Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire

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The Commandments of Coyote.

A friend of mine once started talking to me about God talking to Moses on the mountain, and handing down the commandments, and everything. Which led to the point that my patron deity doesn't really do commandments.

"Well, why not?" was asked.

"Um. Can you see Coyote giving commandments?" I replied.

...but of course, the damage was done, and I had to think about this now. Because that would be the way that my brain works, whether I want it to or not. Stupid brain. And now, after several days of thinking about it, I give you...

The Commandments of Coyote.

I. Thou shalt have as many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus as you like before Me, but you shalt not let them block the exits, for this is considered a fire hazard. More importantly, thou shalt not permit them to take the last beer, for that beer is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, but thou art totally welcome to admire her ass when she walks by, and if it happens to come out that they are in an open relationship, dude, tap that ass as much as all parties involved are willing to allow. Same goes for thy neighbor's husband. Coveting is sort of stupid, but sex is just plain fun, unless thou art doing it entirely wrong.

III. If thy neighbor says "Hands off my wife, dude," thou shalt listen and back off. If thou dost not listen and back off, thy neighbor will be totally justified in hitting you about the head and shoulders with gardening tools, and don't think that I'm going to step in there and stop him.

IV. Adultery is actually pretty fun. Commit it all you like. Just make sure everyone is cool with it, or I will not help you out once the hitting gets started.

V. Thou shalt not eat poisoned bait. If you do, don't come whining to Me about it, because I am very unlikely to care. Once it is in your mouth, it is your problem, not mine.

VI. Of course thou shalt kill. Carnivores do that. Also, swatting mosquitoes, sort of instinctive. But all creatures are alive before you kill them, and so thou shalt respect them in their lives and in their deaths. Thou shalt not kill without reason. Thy neighbor tapping thy wife's ass? Is not a reason. Don't make Me set a plague upon thee. Thou wouldst not enjoy it, I promise.

VII. Thou shalt not hoard. Seriously, here. If you have enough, share. Only asshats bogart life.

VIII. Thou shalt not be a martyr. If you have one beer, drink it. Do not give it to Me and then expect adoration. Dude, that was your beer, I did not break your arm to get it. Give what you can give, and expect neither praise nor worship. You are not being morally superior, you are being a decent human being. There is a difference.

VIV. Assume this is it. Maybe there is an afterlife; maybe not. Maybe there is reincarnation; maybe not. Not only am I not saying one way or the other, please consider the fact that I probably get a say in whether you come back, and if you are the sort of person who doesn't do anything with one life, why should I waste My time giving you another one? Live like you get no second chances. You'll have more fun.

X. Are you going to eat that?
Tags: dino dance party, good things, silliness, so the marilyn

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