I cannot brain today. I have the tired, and the office cold has decided to hang out in my head, making me slow and lurgy and reluctant to commit to anything more strenuous than sitting around my bedroom, not putting on pants.

So here is a picture of Thomas cuddling with Amberlee the velociraptor, intended to signal that this post is an open thread. Tell me things! Any sort of things you want. Also, I am declaring amnesty from my normal "answer all comments" policy. So I may answer comments on this thread, and I may not. Either way, my psychotically cute kitten will be snuggling with a dinosaur, and that proves that life is AWESOME.

Enjoy!

Well, here we are. Late Eclipses [Amazon]|[Mysterious Galaxy] is officially five days from release, and most of those days are part of the weekend, which means they'll pass in like, eight minutes, flat. The point of no return is sending nice postcards, and wishes we were still there. Sadly, we've passed it. In honor of passing things, here are five things I wish I'd known when I started publishing (but am probably glad I didn't).

5. By the time you've survived peer critique, the agent search, submissions, and editorial, you're pretty much accustomed to bad reviews. You'll never be used to them, but they're no longer the shocking "but...but...but I'M THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS" catastrophes they were in the beginning. This will do absolutely nothing to prepare you for the bad reviews which have nothing whatsoever to do with your book. Bad reviews I have received: "This costs too much, so it sucks." "This book had no sex in it and I wanted sex, so it sucks." "No one told me this book would have fairies in it." There is no avoiding these reviews. No matter how much you want to.

4. Everyone in the world is going to assume that you, as author, have a great deal more knowledge and control than you do. You will constantly be asked questions to which you will not have the answer, and some people will not believe you when you tell them that really, you don't know. Also, if you're wired anything like me, you'll start having trouble not snapping at people after the seventy-fifth time you're asked something. This is a problem, unless it was the same person asking the question seventy-five times. In that case, snap away.

3. Again, if you're wired anything like me, you'll probably have become a writer because you enjoy writing. It's what you do for fun. Yay, writing! This becomes a little complicated when suddenly, writing is also your job. Sadly, the odds are good that after about six to eight months of existential angst, you'll find yourself unwinding from a long session of writing by...writing something else. On the plus side, your agent will love you.

2. An awful lot of traditional publishing is "hurry up and wait." Patience is a virtue. So is the ability to distract yourself with bad television.

1. It never stops being terrifying, exciting, and basically the most interesting thing going on in your world. It may, however, stop being terrifying, exciting, and the most interesting thing in the world for your friends. Be prepared to buy interest with chocolate.

A year has passed, and that means that once again, my big list o' holidays* has landed on a holiday that is very important to me on a deep, meaningful level. Maybe not as deep as Virus Appreciation Day (October 3rd), which I celebrate every year by not unleashing the pandemic, or Cuckoo Warning Day (June 21st), which is best celebrated by evolving parasitic wasps into telepathic humanoids, but still, it's important to me.

Today is Australia Day.

Today we celebrate the existence of Australia, the continent which proves that evolution did a lot of drugs when it was young. Today we celebrate the fact that Australia is full of things that want to make us all die, the fact that Australia is frequently on fire, and the fact that Australia essentially hates humanity. Specific things to celebrate about Australia include venomous snakes, spiders the size of dinner plates, marsupials, really interesting money, the koala (which will totally rip your face off if you poke it), and the cone snail, which is the size of a man's thumb and can kill you extremely dead. This is why you do not fuck around with the native wildlife of Australia.

On a more serious note...Australia is having some serious issues right now, with the flooding in Queensland verging on Biblical proportions. The government of Queensland is organizing flood relief. It's rare that I post this sort of thing, but today is Australia Day, and I'm their Princess, so I felt that it was appropriate. That is one hell of a lot of water, and they're going to need one hell of a lot of buckets to clean it all up.

So thank you for existing, Australia. Today is your day. Your venomous, deadly, kicking-your-ass, being eaten by koalas day.

Hooray Australia!

(*I have a list containing a holiday for every single day of the year. Some days have more than one holiday listed. The world needs more excuses for a party.)

Point the first: the winner of our random drawing "picture of your pet with one of my books" contest is...the_liz666! Please contact me via my website contact link within the next twenty-four hours to claim your prize. If you don't, I will choose another winner. Also, can I just say, I am SO VERY GLAD this was an explicitly random number-based contest? If I had to choose from the awesome, awesome entries, my head would have exploded. There was Perry the Platypus! And cats! And videos! And fish! AND A FRIKKIN' TIGER! I have the best fans in the whole world.

Point the second: I recently received some old ARCs from my publisher, found during one of the rare but vital "let's clean all the things" sessions. Is anyone out there doing cool art projects with books right now? I have two copies of A Local Habitation and three of An Artificial Night, and I'd love to see them turned into something awesome. Let me know if you have any ideas about where these books could go. (Donating them to a women's shelter doesn't work very well, because they're ARCs; they don't stand up well to repeat reading. Turning them into art, on the other hand, is both awesome and forever. Everybody wins!)

Point the third: I need to do a few more contests, naturally, before finished copies of Late Eclipses start showing up. Does anybody have any cool suggestions? And no, "Just give it to me" doesn't could, and may get you swatted at.

It's time for another ARC giveaway, this one requiring slightly more effort than the usual "random draw." I've noticed that there's always a spike in book orders right after I post pictures of one or more of my cats being adorable with a book (expect pictures of Thomas with An Artificial Night in the near future). So we're doing pet photography again! The rules:

1. Take a copy of my book.
2. Take a pet (your own, or someone else's, although you should ask before borrowing the neighbor's cat).
3. Take a picture.
4. Post the picture.

Entries will be taken until the morning of Monday the 24th, at which point I will use the random number generator to choose from amongst the eligible submissions. I reserve the right to award a second prize if there's a picture that just slays me, like if someone gives a copy of Feed to a tiger or gives a copy of Rosemary and Rue to a dolphin. Be creative, have fun, and show me your pets!

(Yes, small children in cat costumes count as pets for purposes of this contest, but they have to be yours.)

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my brain
Were bunny girls bitching, and men not quite sane,
And fairy tale murders and pandemic flu—
My friends hope my holiday dreams won't come true—

And Tara is working on graphics so fine
To help and promote that new novel of mine
(The fourth in a series that you may have read,
With Toby and Tybalt and new things to dread).

My tickets are purchased, my plans are all set,
I'm wracking my brain to guess what I'll forget,
And Vixy and Tony are waiting with glee
For the holiday gift that I'm giving them—me.

Two thousand and ten is a year nearly spent!
Oh, the things that we did, and the places we went!
I'm still with the agent—now more than two years!
She still knows I'm crazy, and yet she's still here.

Toby's first three adventures are there on the shelves,
Full of wise-cracking Cait Sidhe and put-upon elves,
And two more adventures are coming this year,
Which ought to be good for your holiday cheer.

In March, Late Eclipses, and Deadline in May
(My evil twin, Mira, says you should obey),
And then in September, there's just One Salt Sea,
To close out the year and tell us what's to be.

InCryptid and Velveteen, Babylon Archer,
And so many more are prepared for departure
At seanan_mcguire the updates are steady—
I'm keeping you posted. You'd better get ready.

The year yet to come will bring wonders galore,
And I can't start to guess at the great things in store,
So whatever you celebrate when the world's cold,
Be it secular, modern, or something quite old,

I hope that you're happy, I hope that you're warm,
I hope that you're ready to weather the storm,
And I wish you the joys that a winter provides,
All you Kings of the Summer and sweet Snow Queen brides,

And I can't wait to see what the next year will bring,
The stories we'll tell, and the songs that we'll sing.
The dead and the living will stand and rejoice!
(I beg you to rise while you still have a choice.)

The journey's been fun, and there's much more to see,
So grab your machete and come now with me,
And they'll hear us exclaim as we dash out of sight,
"Scary Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!"

It's the holiday season, and nice things are vital to our continued equilibrium. Equilibrium is nice! And so I present you with some nice things, to maintain this blessed state.

First of all, The Toby Wallpapers and Icons page has been updated over on my website. You can now download some basic wallpapers and icons for Late Eclipses, as well as wallpapers and icons for Nebelbann (the German edition of A Local Habitation). Plus there's a fantastic new wallpaper/icon set for An Artificial Night, showing dear Katie, all toned in beautiful blues and whites.

Second of all, the cover for Late Eclipses has been nominated as one of the Beautiful Book Covers of 2011. While I'd love it if you'd go and vote for me, this counts as a nice thing because some of these covers are truly gorgeous, and I hadn't seen the majority of them before. I'm really excited about the books coming out in 2011! It's going to be a banner year for reading.

Third of all, because I am me and I truly do regard this as "a nice thing," here is a list of really cute animals that will seriously fuck you up if given the opportunity to do so. Hooray! Some of these animals are really cute. And all of them are really included to make you wish that you'd never been born. I tend to regard this as awesome.

Happy Wednesday!

A little while ago, Lauren (who designed the fantastic covers for Feed and Deadline) emailed to ask if I might have a parody of "The Night Before Christmas" that related to dead things just, you know. Lying around. I did not. But I did have a history in filk, and access to the original poem. So fifteen or so minutes later, "I do not" became "sure!" and I was able to send Lauren a nice, zombie-filled bit of Christmas fear.

Because Lauren is insanely awesome, she promptly turned it into a poster. And because Orbit is insanely awesome, you can now download this gruesome collaboration in a variety of exciting formats. It's suitable for use as an e-card, a computer wallpaper, or even a printed holiday letter.

So from all of us to all of you, have yourself a scary little Christmas now.

Dear shiyiya,

You entered a contest wherein the winner would be chosen by random number. Your number was 112, and guess what the random number generator decided to pick? Wow, you're a good guesser! Anyway, if you go to my website and use the "contact" link to send me an email with your mailing information, I'll mail you a copy of the "Wicked Girls" poster. Spiffy!

The usual administrative foo: If I have not received your mailing information in twenty-four hours, I will choose another winner. This offer void where prohibited. Do not expose Happy Fun Author to direct sunlight. Pregnant women should not go to the abandoned concrete factory with Happy Fun Author. When in doubt, run.

More giveaways to come, and hope you're all having a great December!

Love,
Seanan.

It's that time again! The time when I, and my good friend Random, generate the winners for the latest Toby Daye giveaway. Everybody dance! Anyway, after feeding the range into the random number generator, our winners are...

sasquatch1313, who wins a copy of An Artificial Night!
lyssabard, who also wins a copy of An Artificial Night!
janetmiles, who wins a copy of Rosemary and Rue!

Please use my website contact form to provide your mailing information, and, if you're planning to give the book as a gift rather than treasuring it forever, the name of the person you want me to inscribe it to. Remember, if you try to contact me through any other* mechanism, I may not see it in time, and if I don't hear from you by Monday, I'll pick again.

(*This is not entirely true. If you dispatch a talking pink pegasus to carry me back to Ponyland, I will totally hand-deliver your book before we fly over the rainbow into the glorious embrace of Paradise Valley.)

Winners!

I like mai tais. I find them pleasant, entertaining, and charmingly garnished with obscene amounts of fruit. I also like the process of making cocktails. It's like a fabulous combination of chemistry, alchemy, and, y'know, booze. Plus, it's fun. I like things that are fun. So I decided, what the hell, why not learn how to make mai tais?

This is how my brain works. Be glad you don't have to live with me.

First up, I had to find a recipe for mai tais. I like them with pineapple. Thankfully, Wikipedia is always willing to save the day, and provided me with a page that contained more recipes for the mai tai than one woman will ever need. I settled on recipe #5, the pineapple variation, as my "Mai Tai Scripture," the one true recipe against which all other recipes would be measured. At least until I got bored.

According to the recipe, I needed light rum, dark rum, grenadine, orange, pineapple, and lime juices, and triple sec. (The recipe didn't say that I needed a pineapple, maraschino cherries, a lime, or little paper umbrellas. I figured that part out on my own.) So step two was clearly a trip to BevMo. Yay BevMo!

Now, to work at BevMo, one needs a) a decent understanding of alcohol, and b) a sense of humor. Both these things were possessed by the clerk who came over to assist me in my quest. She found me in the rum section, squinting bemusedly at the assortment of bottles. "What are you trying to make?" she asked.

"Mai tais."

"The mai tai mix is over here."

"From scratch."

Beat. "Are you from the university?"

When in doubt, claim college hazing. "Yes."

"Well, then, you'll want this, and this—"

She was awesome, and quickly helped me assemble everything I'd need to make a truly epic mai tai. She also reminded me to buy the little paper umbrellas, without which, the mai tai could bring only shame upon my household. ALCOHOLIC SHAME. So, y'know, thank you, helpful BevMo clerk! You were truly awesome.

After a stop at Safeway to acquire fruit (and fruit juices), I went home, and discovered that putting all my liquor on the counter meant that I couldn't put my laptop there. My laptop, you know, with the recipe. So I did the next best thing, and called Vixy at home, making her read me the recipe. I started off by telling her the wrong recipe, leading to hilarity when she started asking me to put things I didn't have into the cocktail shaker. Oops. We recovered quickly, and I managed to combine all the correct ingredients. Only...I needed ice, and my ice was frozen solid. Cue me smacking the ice with everything I could find in an effort to chip off enough to fill my shaker. More hilarity.

Somehow, I escaped the ice without injury, and was finally able to properly mix my drink. I put it into a glass. I added lots of fruit. And I called it good.

Mai tai! (And My Little Pony, specifically, Wave Runner from the Sunshine Pony assortment. Not that I, uh, knew that or anything.)

Therein endeth the lesson.

I feel like giving things away (I know you all love it when I do that). Specifically, I feel like giving away copies of the Toby Daye books. Want to win a book? Then come play my game. What game are we playing today?

Six word biography.

It's simple: leave a comment on this entry with a six word biography of yourself. They can be serious, silly, or anything in-between. Here are some examples for me:

"I've always been a cornfield girl."
"Halloweentown princess seeks candy corn, companionship."
"I did it all for dreaming."

Indicate which of the three books you're interested in. On Saturday, I'll use the random number generator to select three winners, one for each book. You can only win once, but you can ask for all three books, if that's what rings your chimes.

Game on!

Congratulations! You woke up this morning in a beautiful full-color wonderland, with cartoon birds designed by Disney and backgrounds designed by Rackham. Which...may be a little worrisome, really, since the chances are good that you went to sleep in a house, not on the bonny green hillside, and that you usually live in a place where gingerbread is not considered a construction material. Don't worry. I'm here to help. Simply answer the following questions to determine whether you've fallen into a world where your only options are "happily ever after"...or death.

1. What is your name?

a) Jack, John, Margaret, or Janet.
b) Peter or Molly.
c) Anything else.

2. How many brothers do you have?

a) I have six older brothers.
b) I have seven brothers.
c) I have one brother/no brothers.

3. How many sisters do you have?

a) I have two stepsisters.
b) I have twelve sisters.
c) I have one sister/no sisters.

4. Where are your parents?

a) Parents?
b) Therein lies the tragic tale...
c) Home. Probably wondering where I am.

5. What time of year does it appear to be?

a) It's a fine morning in May.
b) The dead of winter.
c) I don't know. Summer-ish? Maybe?

6. Say something. What happens?

a) AHHHH WHY ARE SNAKES AND/OR DIAMONDS FALLING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?
b) There's no sound. Maybe I need some hot tea or something.
c) "Something."

7. Your clothing is made of:

a) Thorns and brambles.
b) Cloth of gold and enchanted spider silk
c) A cotton-polyester blend.

8. The creatures of the forest are...

a) Offering me sage advic—HOLY CRAP I CAN TALK TO BIRDS.
b) Trying to lead me somewhere. Should I follow the squirrels?
c) Dinner.

9. An elderly woman warns you not to leave the path through the deep, dark woods. Do you...

a) Leave the path immediately. Can't fool me, old woman!
b) Stay on the path.
c) Deep, dark woods? Screw this, I'm going to the wolf-free, well-lit meadow.

Give yourself five points for every "a," three points for every "b," and one point for every "c."

Now for the yes/no questions:

10. Do you find yourself faced with the urge to rove out?
11. Look to the distance, beyond the misty mountains. Is there a castle?
12. Is it made of glass?
13. Yeah, don't go there. Are you going to go there?
14. When someone warns you not to wear gold in your hair and go to Cauterha, will you listen?
15. Are your shoes made of iron, glass, or something else that shoes shouldn't be made of?

Give yourself five points for every "yes," and one point for every "no."

THE RESULTS.

75-51 points: You are in a fairy tale. You are in a fairy tale RIGHT NOW. How the hell are you even getting to the Internet? Did Rapunzel forget to lock her wifi or something? Anyway, you'll never be seen again. Sorry about that. Watch out for glass coffins.
50-31 points: You are in danger of falling into a fairy tale. Be careful. Carry rope. Really, just wear a hiking pack everywhere you go. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Trust me. Oh, and avoid spindles, towers, rampion, talking cats, candles, and anyone named "Jack."
30-15 points: You are not in a fairy tale. You probably work in a nice office. You will live a long and wolf-free life.

And they all lived* happily ever after.

(*Unless they were eaten by wolves. Or impaled on fast-growing thorn briars. Or poisoned. Or drowned and turned into a musical instrument. Or killed by a jealous spouse. Or turned into stew by robbers. Or...)

So my "take four days to recover from jet lag" plan appears to have been a good one, except for the part where it wasn't actually long enough, and I am still passing out at inopportune moments. In the kitchen while making lunch. In my desk chair while writing. In the theater while watching Resident Evil: Afterlife (because the T-virus is apparently soothing unto me).

I need to take a shower. I'm afraid I'm going to drown.

So here: have an open thread. Talk about whatever, post whatever, do whatever (although it would be nice if you could keep the Campbell congrats on the "I won the Campbell" post, just to make them easier to answer). Do not expect prompt replies, as I may be asleep. If you do not see activity from me for twenty-four hours, I have drowned in the shower, and the cats have eaten me. I expect it will take them a week or so to figure out the LJ interface and begin posting.

Game on!

catvalente and I will be appearing "in conversation" at the upcoming WorldCon. While we have a few topics of our own to cover, we thought it might be nice to see what other people want us to talk about. We're going to try to get this videotaped, thus giving y'all a much greater stake in the discussion than you might otherwise have. So...

Have a topic you'd like to see discussed by me and Cat, probably while under the influence of a lot of sugar? Drop it here! We'll copy out our favorites and put them into a hat (or hat-shaped object), to be drawn during our conversation whenever we need a subject change.

It'll be fun!

In the Toby books, people tend to swear by (and on) a variety of things, including trees (oak, ash, elm, yarrow, pine), representative symbols for fae ideals (root, branch, rose, thorn), and the three major monarchs of their world. Brooke, being seized by an imp of the perverse one day, went through and actually made a list of all the times people swear by one of the monarchs...and what body parts they swore by.

My proofreaders are special, yo.

So here, for your enlightenment, is the cussin', as listed by Brooke, who is insane.

A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ROYAL FAE SWEARING

Swearing by Oberon:

In Oberon's name (Rosemary and Rue)
Oberon's bones (R&R)
Oberon's blessed balls (A Local Habitation)
Oberon's blood (R&R, An Artificial Night)
Oberon's teeth (ALH, AAN)
Sweet Oberon (Late Eclipses)
Oberon's hairy balls (LE)
Oberon's honor (LE)
Oberon's ass (LE, The Brightest Fell)
Oberon's balls (R&R, ALH, AAN, LE)

Swearing by Titania:

Titania wept (AAN)
Titania's teeth (AAN)
Sweet Titania (AAN, LE, TBF)
Titania's bones (LE)
Titania's rose (LE)

Swearing by Maeve:

Sweet Lady Maeve (RR)
Maeve's tits (ALH,TBF)
In the name of Maeve (AAN)
By the boon of Maeve (AAN)
Maeve's bones (RR, AAN, TBF)
Maeve wept (AAN)
Maeve's tree (LE)
Sweet Maeve (LE)
I swear to Maeve I'll shoot you (LE)
Maeve's teeth (RR, AAN, LE, TBF)

Swearing is fun!

Item the first: I have updated my website appearances. Go, view, and learn where I'm going to be. I have confirmed appearances in Australia, New York, California, and Oregon. Which brings me to...

Item the second: I am delighted and honored to announce that I have been selected as the Friends of Filk Guest for OryCon 32. This year's theme is "the Darker Side of Fantasy," which is something I feel I can work with quite well. I'll be appearing with Vixy and Tony, which always makes me happy, and maybe I'll even have a brand new album by then! The convention will be held in Portland, Oregon, from November 12th through the 14th. I hope you can make it, if it's even remotely local to you.

Item the third: If you ever feel the need to quit your job, this is pretty much the way to do it. Style, a sense of humor, and a great way of making your point. (I do wonder what kind of reference she's going to get, but...) Just don't read the comments. The sexism can get a little scary at certain points. But the facial expressions are twenty miles beyond awesome.

Item the fourth: This is what you've all been waiting for, which is a large part of why I've been keeping you in suspense. I'd say that I was sorry, but you'd all know that I was lying through my teeth. So instead, I shall say LOOK! SHINY! Much more effective.

Icons and Wallpapers for An Artificial Night have been posted on my site.

Tara has really outdone herself with this latest batch, and I am absolutely enthralled by her graphic awesome. Some will make more sense after you've read the book, but they're all fantastic now. Go, look, take, have, and join the flailing excitement as you realize...book three is ALMOST HERE.

Gleh.

I snagged this from the lovely la_marquise_de_, who is taking the much more sensible "one question a day" approach to things. Being as I am so rarely sensible, I'm just doing it all in one great whack. But I'm doing it behind a cut-tag, which helps at least a little.

( Click here for a lengthy meme about writing, because I can, and because it seemed like a good thing to do at the time. I may need more hobbies.Collapse )

I am home from the San Diego International Comic Convention, where a fantastic, if exhausting, time was had by all. I'm still doing my post-con administrative cleanup (rendered more exciting by the fact that I have another convention this weekend, which makes the cycles for certain things much tighter than is the norm). This batch of cleanup is about awards and suchlike.

First up, as a quick reminder, voting for the Hugo and Campbell Awards closes at midnight, Pacific Time, on July 31st. So that means you have, effectively, until midnight on Saturday to vote. Details are here:

http://www.aussiecon4.org.au/index.php?page=66

This includes a full list of the nominees in their various categories. Remember that you must be either a supporting or attending member of AussieCon 4 to vote; supporting memberships are still available. Details on how to purchase a supporting membership are at the convention's website; they cost $50 a person.

It really is an honor to be nominated, and I'm still a little stunned over here. I also really want to receive a tiara in the Kingdom of Poison and Flame, for then I will truly be a Halloweentown Princess.

In a related, if not identical, vein, I will now quote NPR:

"Last month when we asked the NPR audience to submit nominations for a list of the 100 most pulse-quickening, suspenseful novels ever written, you came through with some 600 titles. It was a fascinating, if unwieldy, collection.

"Now, with your input, a panel of thriller writers and critics has whittled that list down to a manageable 182 novels. That roster, which we now offer for final voting, draws from every known thriller sub-genre—techno, espionage, crime, medical, psychological, horror, legal, supernatural and more."

Here is a link to the full story, including the list of 182 novels being considered for the top 100.

Winners will be announced August 2nd. Please spread the word? In conclusion, I leave you with this delightful message from autographedcat...which, if I make the list, I will arrange to have recorded in MP3 form for your enjoyment:

"Hello, readers. Look at your book. Now back to me. Now back at your book. Now back to me. Sadly, you aren't me, but if you stopped reading trashy airport novels and switched to Feed by Mira Grant, you could be well-read like me.

"Look down, back up, where are you? You're on the beach with the person you could be as well read as. What's in your hand? Back to me. I have it; it's an epidemiology textbook with an explanation of the science behind the Kellis-Amberlee virus. Look again, the textbook is now a DVD of the future Rosemary and Rue movie. Anything is possible when you read Feed by Mira Grant.

"I'm on a velociraptor."

The first person to answer all questions correctly will win a signed ARC of An Artificial Night! I will notify you via LJ, but you must send me your address via my website by noon PST tomorrow to receive your prize.

You can use both my websites in researching your answers.

( Let the games begin!Collapse )

1. admnaismith to the white courtesy phone, admnaismith to the white courtesy phone; you have won an ARC of An Artificial Night. Please email me with your contact information, using the contact form on my website, before Sunday, or a new winner has been selected. Also, I totally need you to come make me a drink, because damn.

2. Evolution is awesome, and more bizarre than you can possibly imagine. The best thing about real life is the way that it doesn't even need to pretend to make sense. Also, it allows for factual statements like "those little hornless males have giant testicles" and "they change their color pattern and rearrange their tentacles in a more typical female arrangement." How can you not love this world?

3. Actually, you know what's better than evolution? Drunken paleontologists being allowed to name the dinosaurs that they have discovered. Yes. Thanks to the glorious power of beer, the chasmosaurine ceratopsid family has a new member: the Mojoceratops. How can you not love this dinosaur?! It has a heart-shaped frill, people. A heart-shaped frill. This is like, Barbie's Dream Dino. Great Pumpkin, thank you for the drunken paleontologists and their glories. Thank you.

4. Remember that I'll be at Borderlands Books in San Francisco, California this Saturday, appearing with the lovely jennifer_brozek as part of the second stop on the Murder and Mayhem Tour. Also, we'll have delicious cupcakes from Cups and Cakes Bakery, because we all know that's really why you attend my book events with such alacrity. Be there if you can!

5. We're less than a week out from the San Diego International Comic Convention, which, this year, I will be attending with Amy McFiddler and the fantastic Tara in tow. So, y'know, that should be a good time, apart from all the flailing and hysteria. I'll be posting my panel schedule early next week, and if you're going to be at the convention, you should totally let me know. I'd love to see you.

6. X-Men: Second Coming is over. Several characters are dead. I'm sad about some of them, not so much about others (and barely remembered a few). I really want them to get Elixir on the business of growing back the various severed limbs, as, well, this is all a bit grim for an X-book. But hey, Jean Grey is still dead, Emma Frost is still pretty, and we still have three Stepford Cuckoos wandering around. So it's hard not to be happy.

7. Other things that make me happy: Warehouse 13, Eureka, Unnatural History, Leverage, and So You Think You Can Dance. Why yes, I am a media whore. Why do you ask?

8. Zombies are love.

9. In addition to the San Diego International Comic Convention being in less than a week, I'm about two weeks out from SpoCon, where a) I'm the Music Guest of Honor, and b) Tanya Huff is the Writer Guest of Honor. DAW GIRLS IN THE HOUSE! We shall wear our Urban Fantasy Mafia colors with pride, yo.

10. The turtle can't help you, but Alice will be happy to shed on you. Just ask her.

What's news with you?

The other day, I was in Safeway—buying Diet Dr Pepper, naturally—when I heard the guy up ahead of me say something to his friends that I was positive I must have misheard. Specifically, what I heard him say was "and there's this really awesome parasitic wasp that drives its victims like cars." Now, I like parasitic wasps. I am, one might say, unduly fascinated by parasitic wasps. So I tend to assume that when I hear other people bring them up in conversation, I'm hearing them wrong.

I began shamelessly eavesdropping...and wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, he was talking about insect parasitism! Yay! As the conversation swung toward blood flukes, I interjected to note that blood flukes were probably largely responsible for the evolution of gendered reproduction. He looked, in a word, delighted.

What followed was the largest, rowdiest, happiest discussion of parasite behavior I have ever been involved with outside of a group of my friends. All five of the people involved had read Parasite Rex, and parthenogentic reproduction came up, gleefully.

I think I may have met my male equivalent from a nearby parallel dimension.

I'm just saying.

You may remember that I took a trip to Cups and Cakes Bakery recently, to document the process of making delicious BRAIN CUPCAKES. Because, well. BRAIN CUPCAKES. And now the lovely folks at Orbit have posted that documentation for you to devour and enjoy. I give you...

How to make BRAIN CUPCAKES.

We share because we care. About delicious brains, anyway.

Suggested by the lovely valdary:

All Toby books (and in-universe short stories) have titles taken from the works of Shakespeare. There's a lot of Shakespeare out there! So...

To enter for an ARC of An Artificial Night, suggest a quote or quotes that would make a good title for a Toby story. Extra credit if they're quotes not everyone would know (for example, going with An Artificial Night from Romeo and Juliet, rather than something more familiar). Please include the surrounding text in your entry, as well as identifying the scene/sonnet/poem the quote comes from. Entries must be between three and five words.

Example:

Late Eclipses.

"These late eclipses in the sun and moon portend
No good to us: though the wisdom of nature can
Reason it thus and thus, yet nature finds itself
Scourged by the sequent effects: love cools,
Friendship falls off, brothers divide: in
Cities, mutinies; in countries, discord; in
Palaces, treason; and the bond cracked 'twixt son
And father..." —King Lear.

I'll select the winner through random drawing on Tuesday, June 29th. By entering, you grant permission for me to use your title if I think it's awesome, since Shakespeare is public domain and also, well, I might have issues round about book eleven, when everything has been suggested already.

Game on!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the speculative fiction world, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, research would be it. The long-term benefits of research have been proved by scholars and scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the freedom and insanity of your youth. Scratch that: you won't understand the freedom and insanity of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in twenty years you'll look back at your fanfic and your first drafts and recall in a way you can't grasp right now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really were.

You're not bad at this as you imagine. You're not as good at it, either.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to correct your spelling through interpretive dance. The real troubles in your career are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you on the Monday after a five-day convention.

Write one thing every month that scares you.

Doodle.

Don't be nasty when critiquing others, don't put up with people who are nasty when critiquing you. Revise. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind, but the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old fan mail, throw away your old reviews.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to spend your life writing. The most interesting writers I know didn't know at twenty-two what they wanted to write. Some of the most interesting forty-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of sleep. Be kind to your wrists, you'll miss them they're gone.

Maybe you'll publish, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll write novels, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll wind up remaindered, maybe you'll make the New York Times Best-Seller List six books in a row. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. Don't berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, and so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your mind. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, because it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dream, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read directions on how to write, even if you don't follow them. Do not read Amazon reviews, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your readers, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your fellow writers; they are the best link to your sanity and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but there are a precious few you should hold onto. You'll know them when you see them. Apologize, even when you think you might be right. Take apologies gracefully. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Go to the San Diego International Comic Convention once, but leave before it makes you insecure. Go to a small, intimate literary convention once, but leave before it makes you egotistical. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, reviewers will pan you, you too will get old, and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young royalties were plentiful, editors were accessible, and writers respected their readers. Respect your readers. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a movie deal, maybe you have a successful series, but you never know for sure when either one will run out.

Don't mess too much with your early drafts, or by the time you're finished, they will look artificial.

Be careful whose advice you take, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past out of the wastepaper bin, wiping it off, rewriting the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's actually worth.

But trust me on the research.

—with apologies to Mary Schmich, of "Wear Sunscreen" fame.

Yesterday afternoon, at the request of my/Mira Grant's publisher, I took my little FlipVideo camera and my little clicky-flashy digital camera down to Cups and Cakes Bakery to document the process of making the famous BRAIN CUPCAKES. Because, well, it seemed like a good way to kill an hour or two. The bakery is closed on Tuesdays, so Tuesday was the best time to have a slightly off-kilter author come in and point cameras at things. It was fun!

I am aware that this thread is useless without pics. Pics will be coming soon, although the odds are reasonably high that they will be posted, not here, but on the Orbit website. Why? Because dude, brain cupcakes. Also, that way Orbit has to do the video hosting, not me. I like things that lead to other people doing the video hosting. Things that lead to other people doing the video hosting are keen.

It turns out, by the way, that people are a lot less willing to accept random cupcakes from a random stranger when those random cupcakes look like tiny frosting brains. This is more of a sign of a survival instinct than I usually see from the human race these days, so I'm going to take it as a good thing. It probably didn't help that I looked bone-tired while offering the tiny brains to people, which created an overall air of "zombie pastry chef" that can't possibly have appealed to the public at large. Many of my friends, sure, but the public at large, not so amazingly much.

I love the simplicity of these tiny sugary treats, their iconic awesomeness, the way that they just say, very straightforwardly, "this is what I am, I am a brain, you can cope." I find myself pondering other ways to make cupcakes relevant to my various projects (although with some projects, this requires no effort at all—Velveteen gets red velvet cupcakes with vanilla frosting and rainbow sprinkles, for superficial childishness atop adult complexity; Clady just gets whatever you're not eating...), because dude, cupcakes.

Everybody loves baked goods.

Hey, folks—the summer convention season is kicking off, and that means it's time to return to our fannish roots and celebrate with geeky bling. I mean, of course, BADGE RIBBONS. Because nothing says "love" like pieces of fabric that you can stick to yourself. (Some people say that badge ribbons are totally over. I say that these are people who never played Halloweentown fairy princess when they were kids. We shall love our accessories until we die.)

So what do you think I should put on ribbons for this year? Suggest anything you like, from the silly to the sublime, and we'll see where things wind up going. Suggest a ribbon that I actually make, and I'll send you one, even if you're not attending the convention (first person to suggest the ribbon only, please). Keep in mind that we're trying to drum up interest and attract attention, but should still make a vague amount of sense while we're doing it.

Game on!

Hooray, hooray, it's Limerick Day! The day of limerick-y goodness! You may recall last year's Limerick Day celebration, which included limerick versions of many classic poems. Then again, you may not. Regardless, this year, I've decided to do something slightly more...interactive...for Limerick Day. Suggest a book, story, or poem that you'd like to see rendered in horrible tawdry limerick form, and watch the magic unfold! The horrifying magic.

I can't promise to limerick every suggestion, and I will eventually lose interest, but it's a party! Let's celebrate!

Pop quiz time! Aliens (or mad scientists, or whatever) appear before you with a time machine, and tell you that you get to make two trips backward: one for your own personal gain, and one for the good of all mankind. Each trip can consist of several "hops" (so you can start by traveling back ten years, and then move forward two years, etc.), but can only include one backward hop, and can last for no more than twenty-four hours.

The rules:

1) You can bring anything you want to the past, but you can't leave anything behind. So you can't bring back the polio vaccine and start treating people. It wouldn't work.

2) You can't take anything forward with you, either, except for information. So you could, say, travel back with a copy of a book and a pen, and have the book signed with that pen. Or you could bring a camera and take pictures. But all things must be somehow made from materials you carried with you.

3) You can't get sick in the past, but you could be eaten by a T-Rex. No one native to the time periods you're visiting will notice anything odd about you.

For my personal use, I would pack a bunch of digital cameras, Flip video recorders, and a gene sequencer, and hop back to Messina in 1347. I would then document the Black Death in ten year jumps, with lots of photographs and recordings of people trying to breathe as they fully expressed the virus. And then, when I got back to the present, I would drive the CDC insane...but I would finally know for sure.

For the good of all mankind, I would hop back to the pre-tape losses BBC archives with a tape-to-DVD portable recording rig (and a technician), and get copies of all the missing Doctor Who serials. Upon returning to the present day, I would probably also get knighted.

So what's your personal use? And what's your use for the good of all mankind?

After consulting with a wide array of judges who didn't have a horse in this race, the winners have been chosen. They are...

* antigoneschase for "If I went any further..." and "I keep breaking my dates." antigoneschase wins a set of my CDs!
* ravenclawed for drunken changelings. ravenclawed wins a signed copy of Rosemary and Rue!
* snowishness for "Angels come to fall." snowishness wins a signed ARC of Feed!
* talkstowolves for her many wicked girls icons. talkstowolves wins a signed copy of A Local Habitation!

Would all winners please email me via my website contact link to provide a mailing address? If I do not receive your address by Friday, April 9th, you will forfeit your prize.

Thanks to everyone who participated; we'll definitely do this again at some point in the future.

The GIRL FIGHT TONIGHT is down to the final two! In this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, half-human, half-fae, all pretty much pissed off by this entire situation, it's October "Toby" Daye! In the other corner, weighing in at none of your damn business, the best witch in the Ramtops and possibly the world, Granny Esme Weatherwax!

...well, then.

I consider Toby getting the stuffing kicked out of her by Granny Weatherwax to actually be a win, since dude, "wasn't expected to place" girl coming in second, not too shabby. Still, pros and cons:

Toby will win because she's tenacious, surprisingly difficult to kill, and tends to approach all situations as life-or-death, even when they're not. Maybe she's a little over-enthusiastic that way, but still, it's sometimes an asset. Toby will lose because she's fighting Granny fucking Weatherwax.

Granny will win because she's Granny fucking Weatherwax, a witch so good that she rarely needs to use any witchcraft at all. Granny will lose because she mostly goes up against people who want to get into her head, and Toby doesn't want to get into her head; Toby just wants to go the fuck home. Also, Granny doesn't care as much, and might well throw the fight, hence winning by controlling the outcome.

Right now, Granny's in the lead. But we shall see.

Meanwhile, over in the Fourth Annual BSC Review Tournament, Rosemary and Rue has managed to defeat Juliet Marillier's Heart's Blood, with Toby holding on by the skin of her teeth...and is now up against catvalente's Palimpsest in what may well be the girl fight of the century (or at least, the girl fight of the week). I admit, I was hoping we'd be the last two, duking it out atop a mountaintop, hair flying in the wind, being all creepily photogenic. But as this is not to be, I merely urge you to swing by and place your vote. Whichever way it goes, one of us is making that mountain. Dammit.

Girl fight goes on! Soon, only one will leave the tourney grounds alive!

It is fairly common for authors, on April Fool's Day, to announce utterly ridiculous projects and pretend that they're seriously writing them, no really and for honestly true. So I thought I'd do that this year.

And then I actually looked at the things I do write, and realized that there was just. No. Point. (Also that there was a good chance any "totally crazy ha ha funny right" idea I put out there would magically turn into the next thing I was actually working on, and I just don't need the extra work.) I mean, these are all real projects:

* Teenage horror movie geek discovers that she is, in fact, a werecoyote, horror movie monsters are real, and a serial-killing grizzly bear with a thing for hunting lycanthrope teens is on her trail.

* Hannah Montana follows Harry Potter into a dark alley, beats him up, and takes all his product endorsements before walking into a wall and developing traumatic amnesia.

* It's a romantic comedy. About jet lag.

* Perky blonde cocktail waitress fights to protect the cryptid and human races from one another using the combined powers of bullets and ballroom dance. Also, talking mice.

* Snarky brunette research geek fights to protect the cryptid and human races from one another using the combined powers of pit traps and punk music. Also, talking mice and traveling carnivals.

* The bastard daughter of Veronica Mars and Jareth the Goblin King decides to use Dante from Clerks as her role model, and wasn't even supposed to be here today.

* Bunny-themed superheroine fights the forces of evil (and corporate marketing) with her army of teddy bears.

* Hitchhiking ghost from the 1940s roams modern America in search of revenge and the perfect cheeseburger.

* It's about politics. And zombies. But mostly politics. Except for the zombies. And everyone's named after George Romero.

* Alien pod-plant with a conscience decides to assist the human rebellion in standing up to the forces of her own invading vegetable race.

I mean, this isn't everything—not by a long shot—but the things that aren't on this list aren't any less silly-sounding. I'm not sure I'm allowed to make an effort to be silly. Near as I can tell, silly just happens.

Okay, yes, I admit it: I have a lot of deadlines right now, I have a lot of editing that's nibbling at me like a flock of wild ducks, and playing literary cage match is currently my guilty "sometimes it's okay to be crazy-silly" pleasure. Thanks to everyone who's been tolerating my crazy; double thanks to everyone who's been helping me with it. And now, today's cage match updates:

Over in the Fourth Annual BSC Review Tournament, Toby has managed to make it to round three. So far, she's defeated both Butcher's Turn Coat and Brett's The Warded Man...but now she's going up against Juliet Marillier's Heart's Blood, and the race remains too close to call. Rally! Help Toby progress! Especially since catvalente's Palimpsest is still swinging (currently against The Red Wolf Conspiracy by Robert V. S. Redick), and there's a wacky bonus comic strip in it for you if we wind up facing off in the final round. Pretty please?

Meanwhile, over in the GIRL FIGHT TONIGHT, Toby has made it to the Elite Eight, and needs only to smack down Hunter from Neverwhere to make a clean sweep of her bracket! Woo! From here, the winner goes up against the winners of other brackets, which means she'd have the opportunity to get beat down by a Discworld girl. You know you want to see that.

Go forth, vote, and keep Toby kicking ass!

Actually, it's currently "Sunday morning, sort of off-gray sky filled with occasional clouds and colder than it ought to be this time of yeah, ha ha, little California girl, ha ha." But I like the original phrase just a little bit better.

Yesterday was my "goof off" day for March, and today, I buckle back down to work, with several short stories and a bunch of novel revisions on the docket (Deadline and The Brightest Fell, for the curious). I won't be turning off my Internet, because I keep too much information there, but I won't be my normal rapid-response self, either. Tomorrow, I'll finally select the winners of the icon contest (assisted by a panel of impartial judges without entries of their own) and figure out how we're handling judging for the SURPRISINGLY POPULAR "Mira Grant is..." contest. Other than by staring in awe.

If you haven't voted in the Fourth Annual BSC Review Tournament, please consider stopping by. This brutal tourney pits a year's-worth of book releases against one another in bloody single combat, and only one can emerge victorious. Toby rallied for a little bit, but the tide has turned. Her latest match is against Juliet Marillier's Heart's Blood, and she's getting the smackdown. Rally! Help Toby progress! Especially since catvalente's Palimpsest is still swinging (currently against The Red Wolf Conspiracy by Robert V. S. Redick), and there's a wacky bonus comic strip in it for you if we wind up facing off in the final round.

Pretty please?

The world is full of things, and the things are full of stuff, and the stuff is all time-sensitive for me, so I'm going to get back to work now. I'll check in later. Please don't set anything on fire.

It's apparently wild cage match season here in literary-land, because the cage matches are everywhere, and Toby is making a decent showing for herself. Over in the Fourth Annual BSC Review Tournament, she's managed to make it to round three, defeating both Butcher's Turn Coat and Brett's The Warded Man.

This brutal tourey pits a year's-worth of book releases against one another in bloody single combat, and only one can emerge victorious. And Toby's in trouble. Her latest match is against Juliet Marillier's Heart's Blood, and she's getting the smackdown. Rally! Help Toby progress! Especially since catvalente's Palimpsest is still swinging (currently against The Red Wolf Conspiracy by Robert V. S. Redick), and there's a wacky bonus comic strip in it for you if we wind up facing off in the final round.

In somewhat less serious cage fight news, there's a GIRL FIGHT TONIGHT, and Toby is currently facing off against Neil Gaiman's Door. Now, Door is a badass, it's true, but she needs a Hunter to rescue her (be it Hunter or Richard). Toby'll just shoot her kneecaps out.

Go forth, vote, and keep Toby kicking ass!

I was talking to a friend of mine—who shall remain nameless, unless she chooses to name herself, because I don't throw anyone out of the closet unwillingly—who said "I am glad I know you, for I can admit to a person on Earth that I still secretly love My Little Ponies." This, coming less than a week after someone reacted in horrified confusion when I admitted to sharing my bedroom with more than two hundred of the plastic darlings, made me decide that it was time to stand up in bold defense of Ponyland. Because sometimes, a girl's gotta do what the talking horses tell her to do, goddammit.

(Please note that I am not defending Ponyville, home of the current My Little Pony line. The denizens of Ponyland would have beat down these little pink pretenders all the way to the glue factory, where they would doubtless be rendered into cheap, glittery paste that didn't actually hold anything together for very long. No. I'm talking about the originals, the Ponies that started with Megan and Firefly and expanded to encompass Spike and Wind Whistler, and oh, it was one hell of a time...)

Girl's toys tend to be pink, and pastel, and visible from space. Girl's toys tend to be anthropomorphic, and look more like cartoons than human beings. Girl's toys tend to be short on projectile weapons and high on castles and the trappings of a romantic fairy tale past that never really existed. These aren't things that most girls get a say in; that's just the way the toys come. And yes, that's what some little girls want, while other little girls would be a lot happier if they were allowed to play with the He-Man guys once in a while. I was fairly equal-opportunity as a kid—I'd play with anything—but my true passion was reserved for the infinitely expanding stable that contained the My Little Pony world.

My first Ponies were Cotton Candy, a pink horse with white speckles on her rear and pink hair, and Minty, a green horse with clover markings and white hair. Minty wound up getting her tail braided by my grandmother (something I allowed almost no one to do, ever), and became the My Little Pony housekeeping service, because she could use her tail to sweep the floors. The herd sort of exploded from there, growing to overflow shelves, fill a large trunk, and generally make me the darling girl of Hasbro's Marketing Department. If they made it, I wanted it. My room was a sea of pink. And yet...

See, during the 1980s, people were so worried about violence in cartoons aimed at boys that they kept all the censors busy watching GI Joe and Masters of the Universe. No one was paying attention to what was happening over on My Little Pony and Friends. Let's start with the special, wherein a pink pegasus named Firefly crossed the rainbow to kidnap a farmgirl named Megan in order to save the rest of the Ponies. Save them from what?

THE DEVIL.

Because, you see, THE DEVIL was harassing the Ponies, largely by kidnapping them and turning them into GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS. Once they were GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS, they would go kidnap more Ponies, so that THE DEVIL could turn them into GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS. His plan, once he had enough GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS, was to unleash his sack o' dark shit that, y'know, was bad-ass enough to turn magical teleporting unicorns into GFEDs, and bring about eternal midnight. Also, evil. Also, did we mention that the sparkly pink horses were fighting THE DEVIL?

After the My Little Ponies made their entrance by kicking the ass of THE DEVIL, they went on to fight against the evil witches who lived in the Mountain of Gloom. They, like many people, only saw the fact that the Ponies were pink, and never bothered to ask themselves how insanely badass something would have to be to have that little natural camouflage and yet still survive to procreate. My Little Ponies, like poison arrow tree frogs, are brightly colored for a reason, and that reason is to provide an immediate and easily visible warning of the fact that if you mess with them, they will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

The witches unleash the Smooze. The Smooze is like "Yo, I am coming to FUCK EVERYONE UP." The Smooze makes its case by eating the Rainbow of Light, which was previously used to defeat, as you may recall, THE DEVIL. So the Smooze is also pretty badass, and messes solidly with the normal "frolic, nap, frolic" schedule in Ponyland. The surviving Ponies travel to Flutter Valley, where they meet up with the Flutter Ponies, who look like they should be easy to kill with a fly-swatter (and are thus, naturally, the baddest badasses in the world). The following occurs:

MEGAN: Rosedust, Queen of the Flutter Ponies, the Smooze fucked everyone up.
ROSEDUST: Sucks to be you.
MEGAN: Please come fuck the Smooze up.
ROSEDUST: No.
MEGAN: Guess we'll just live here, then.
ROSEDUST: Let's fuck up some Smooze!

Then here's a musical number, and then? Smooze-fucking. Big fun.

The cartoon went on from there, and taught an entire generation of girls that it was okay to be pink and pretty and also FUCK SHIT UP. My Little Pony was like Gormenghast with frills. The boys got bloodless battles and exploding helicopters and moral lessons, and bad guys who never went away. My Little Pony got THE FUCKING DEVIL. And anybody they beat down? Stayed beat down.

My Little Pony is FUCKING METAL, yo.

(Also, for a laugh, check out My Little Demon. I have way too many of these hanging in my house.)

This one comes in two parts. Part the first: The Toby Daye FAQ is looking a little thin on the ground, with very few questions directly relating to the books themselves. Please give the FAQ a glance, if you get the chance, and propose new questions? I want to get things cleaned up and updated. In, y'know, my copious spare time.

Part the second: The Horror Movie Survival FAQ is going to be moving to MiraGrant.com with the launch of the new site. I know, I know, it's a sad day. But it'll fit in better there, and I'll have a lot of really awesome opportunities to update and expand.

This means I need a new "silly" FAQ for my main site...and that's where today comes in. I'm going to do a Fairy Tale and Ballad Survival FAQ. Please propose questions, offer survival tips, whatever comes to mind, and I'll get started from there! Help protect a new generation of children from evil stepmothers, wicked witches, inexplicable beanstalks, and the dangers of gingerbread houses.

Sometimes my life is awesome.

It's time for today's TOTALLY SILLY CONTEST!

So I'm doing the web content for MiraGrant.com. Those of you familiar with my main website may have noticed that I have multiple bios, some of them deeply, deeply silly in nature, posted on the site. Since Mira doesn't have quite the history I do, and I haven't had the chance to solicit bios for her from my friends, I need something to guarantee the depth of content to which my readers have become accustomed (OCD cat is OCD). So!

You know Chuck Norris?

That.

I'm looking for UTTERLY INSANE statements about Mira Grant. Things like "Mira Grant isn't afraid of the thing under your bed. Mira Grant is the thing under your bed." Or "Mira Grant goes down to the quarry any time she damn well wants to."

Leave your suggestions as comments on this post. I will collect the best (and weirdest) for posting on Mira's website, because I have no hobbies that don't involve utter insanity. There will be prizes! I don't know what those prizes will be, but they, too, will probably be a little odd. (Sadly, I can't promise a copy of Feed until I've done some local accounting, but there will be something.)

Come on. You know you want to.

The Fourth Annual BSC Review Tournament is off and running! This brutal tourney pits a year's-worth of book releases against one another in bloody single combat, and only one can emerge victorious.

Rosemary and Rue has already defeated Jim Butcher's Turn Coat in round one, and has entered round two, against Peter V. Brett's The Warded Man. I didn't think Toby could face down Harry Dresden, so let's see how far she can go!

(catvalente's Palimpsest is also in the running. I'm not saying that if the tourney comes to the two of us facing off, we'll put on swimsuits and wrestle in a swimming pool filled with whipped cream and pumpkin pie filling. Honestly. I don't know where you'd get that idea...)

Now go vote!

My beloved Amy, savior of tired blondes, fiddler to the very gods themselves, arrived last night on a plane from Alabama, where she'd been visiting her sister and staying with my Halloween Family (the Crowells). Amy is key to my survival during Release Week Madness, being a very focused and centered individual whose primary purpose in life sometimes seems to be keeping the various members of her extended campana from self-destructing in a variety of exciting ways. I love Amy very much.

In preparation for her visit, I placed an order with my favorite cupcakery, Cups and Cakes, which is located conveniently close to my office. Specifically, I ordered an assorted dozen cupcakes, to please please please include the Mudslide (slightly bitter dark chocolate cake with Bailey's and Kahlua buttercream icing). After a long day spent dreaming of cupcakes and fiddlers, I left the office and went to make the pickup, only to learn to my delight that my personal favorite flavor, the Peanut Butter and Jelly, had also been included in the assortment. (Sweet grape cake with peanut butter buttercream. Basically, these cupcakes are felony-level delicious.) Victory!

As Amy's flight was not for several hours, I also grabbed a couple of spare Mudslide cupcakes with which to bribe Jude, who was on-duty at Borderlands Books, where I intended to kill some time. Borderlands is an excellent place to sit and work, at least if you're me, and find the smells and sounds of a well-maintained bookstore endlessly soothing.

The cupcakes and I reached the bookstore without incident, and I promptly plied Jude with her delicious cupcake-y treats, thus convincing her to allow me to sit and work. (It didn't take much convincing, or really, any convincing; Borderlands is very pro-authors actually finishing books, providing we're not breaking anything while we do it.) Alas, it turned out that Ripley and Ash, the store's hairless cats, were less well-inclined toward my literary aspirations. The afternoon went something like this...

"Mow."
"No, Ripley, you can't have my lap. I'm working."
"Wow."
"Okay, you can have half my lap. But I'm still working."
"Yow."
"Just let me shut down my laptop, and I'll pet you."
"Now."
"...stop speaking English, it's creepy."

Ash, meanwhile, rode the Kitty Crazytrain around the store until it became time to groom herself, at which point she perched on my arm and licked her naked arms with blithe abandon. I think, perhaps, that I spend too much time at Borderlands, as the cats have now started to regard me as furniture.

In the "spending too much time at Borderlands" category, local folks please remember that I'll be at the store on March 9th for the A Local Habitation release party. We'll have live music from SJ Tucker, Betsy Tinney, Amy McNally, and potentially more; a raffle with some awesome, awesome prizes; a reading from A Local Habitation; and the Great Pumpkin only knows what else. It's gonna be an awesome time, and I'd love to see lots and lots of you there.

Borderlands Books. Because sometimes, we like our cats with a side-order of Nair.

Okay, so here's the thing: I qualify for the Campbell Award this year (and next year). You can view the rules by clicking this link, and they basically come down to a) when you made your first professional sale, and b) how long ago that was. The John W. Campbell Award uses the same nomination and voting mechanism as the Hugo, even though the Campbell Award is not a Hugo. To be able to nominate a writer for the 2010 award, you must have either been an attending member of Anticipation (the 67th World Science Fiction Convention in Montreal) or be a supporting or attending member of Aussiecon Four (the 68th World Science Fiction Convention in Melbourne) before Jan. 31, 2010. (So it's too late to become a member of the convention this year, but again, I still qualify next year, as do many other awesome people.)

I would, I think naturally, like to win this award. I mean, who doesn't want to win an award? Especially an award that will be presented in Australia, THE LAND OF POISON AND FLAME? That's like, the delicious whipped cream on top of the sundae of venomous awesome that is an entire continent full of cuddly things forged in the very flames of hell. But Australia isn't my main inspiration here.

No.

Did you know that the Campbell Award comes with a tiara?!

I mean...



...just sayin'.

Drumroll please...

And the winners are:

sheistheweather for "The Winterrose..."!
keristor for "Still Not King"!

Please email me your mailing information through my website contact link, and I'll get things in the mail for you.

And now, chosen by random number draw, our entries for voting:



Voting will close Wednesday, when I will announce who has won an ARC of A Local Habitation. Please pick your favorite, and thank you all so much for playing.

Tonight's winner, for amusing our panel of extremely giggly judges, is kittikins! She's won an ARC of A Local Habitation for awesomeness in fake casting.

The LOLtest is still open through Sunday. Thanks, all!

I'm bored, and this is dangerous. So...

Cast your movie version of Rosemary and Rue! Tell me who you'd pick to play the major roles, and why. The cast list I find the most utterly delightful will win a signed ARC of A Local Habitation.

To get you started, here are some main characters to consider:

* October "Toby" Daye
* Sylvester and Simon Torquill
* Devin
* Dare
* Tybalt
* Connor O'Dell
* Danny
* Luna Torquill
* Rayseline Torquill

Game on!

ETA: ...and a winner has been chosen. Feel free to keep on casting, though, this is hysterical!

Yesterday, I was demonstrating to a friend of mine (who finds my fascination with ASL charming, if odd) that I can now sign "Behold! For now I wear the human pants!" My grammar is a little wonky, but I'll be seeing Judi in a few weeks, so right now I'm just working on getting the signs committed to muscle memory.

A Deaf gentleman about my age saw me signing, and got very excited. He came over, and signed, "You know ASL?" (In the case of signs that I don't know myself, but whose meaning was evident from context, I'm including them to form actual sentences.)

I signed back "A little." Emphasis on "little."

He asked what I knew...so I showed him. Around the time I hit "working in a mine for our robot overlords" and "did I say overlords? I meant protectors," he started to look, well, dubious. Like there was a chance I thought I knew some ASL, when really, someone was messing with me.

Then I signed "The Turtle can't help you."

His eyes widened, and he proceeded to finger-spell "IT?" I nodded. He made an "S" sign, followed by a gesture like putting on a crown. I nodded again. He got even more excited, especially since now he knew I actually understood my messed-up assortment of signs. He had me teach him "robot overlords," and he taught me the sign for "weird."

ASL and Stephen King: bringing the world closer together. The best part is that, for once in my life, I can legitimately say that the Turtle did help us.

It's time for another ARC giveaway! Because you were starting to think I didn't love you anymore. I really enjoyed this contest the first time it came around, and so I give you...

The LOLtest. Yes, if you hate LOLcats, you probably want to shoot me right about now, but that's okay, because I love the freaky little guys, and I'm not asking people to invade your blog with countless graphics of the things. So what do you have to do to enter? Simple. You have to make a LOL___ and post it here. What do I mean by LOL___?

LOLcats. LOLold fairy tale illustrations. LOLmy cover art. LOLhome photography—if you want to take a tip from A Softer World and take your own pictures, be my guest. (Toby is brunette, fairly pale, and tends to wear sensible clothing. You want to slap a leather jacket on your girlfriend/best friend/self and take pictures solely for captioning purposes, I'm down with that.) For examples of the inimitable LOLcat in its natural habitat, see I Can Has Cheezburger, along with countless other sites in the same vein...and then knock yourself out.

Post your contest submissions on this entry. I'll take entries until Sunday, February 21, and then opening the floor for voting. I'll definitely be giving away one ARC through this contest; depending on the number and variety of entries received, I may well increase that to two, as well as putting together a few runner-up prizes (who wants a CD?). This contest is open to everyone, including my mother, my agent, God, and people who have already won ARCs. Bring out your LOLcats, and rock the world.

Game on!

(To be clear, all LOL___ must be Toby-related to be considered actual entries. Although all LOL___ are cute and make me smile.)

A friend of mine once started talking to me about God talking to Moses on the mountain, and handing down the commandments, and everything. Which led to the point that my patron deity doesn't really do commandments.

"Well, why not?" was asked.

"Um. Can you see Coyote giving commandments?" I replied.

...but of course, the damage was done, and I had to think about this now. Because that would be the way that my brain works, whether I want it to or not. Stupid brain. And now, after several days of thinking about it, I give you...

The Commandments of Coyote.

I. Thou shalt have as many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus as you like before Me, but you shalt not let them block the exits, for this is considered a fire hazard. More importantly, thou shalt not permit them to take the last beer, for that beer is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, but thou art totally welcome to admire her ass when she walks by, and if it happens to come out that they are in an open relationship, dude, tap that ass as much as all parties involved are willing to allow. Same goes for thy neighbor's husband. Coveting is sort of stupid, but sex is just plain fun, unless thou art doing it entirely wrong.

III. If thy neighbor says "Hands off my wife, dude," thou shalt listen and back off. If thou dost not listen and back off, thy neighbor will be totally justified in hitting you about the head and shoulders with gardening tools, and don't think that I'm going to step in there and stop him.

IV. Adultery is actually pretty fun. Commit it all you like. Just make sure everyone is cool with it, or I will not help you out once the hitting gets started.

V. Thou shalt not eat poisoned bait. If you do, don't come whining to Me about it, because I am very unlikely to care. Once it is in your mouth, it is your problem, not mine.

VI. Of course thou shalt kill. Carnivores do that. Also, swatting mosquitoes, sort of instinctive. But all creatures are alive before you kill them, and so thou shalt respect them in their lives and in their deaths. Thou shalt not kill without reason. Thy neighbor tapping thy wife's ass? Is not a reason. Don't make Me set a plague upon thee. Thou wouldst not enjoy it, I promise.

VII. Thou shalt not hoard. Seriously, here. If you have enough, share. Only asshats bogart life.

VIII. Thou shalt not be a martyr. If you have one beer, drink it. Do not give it to Me and then expect adoration. Dude, that was your beer, I did not break your arm to get it. Give what you can give, and expect neither praise nor worship. You are not being morally superior, you are being a decent human being. There is a difference.

VIV. Assume this is it. Maybe there is an afterlife; maybe not. Maybe there is reincarnation; maybe not. Not only am I not saying one way or the other, please consider the fact that I probably get a say in whether you come back, and if you are the sort of person who doesn't do anything with one life, why should I waste My time giving you another one? Live like you get no second chances. You'll have more fun.

X. Are you going to eat that?