Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: surprised
  • Music: The theme from JAWS.

Attack of the unstoppable TOILET SHARK.

Over the past week, my house has developed two new bathroom-based rules. First off, even if you just dropped a tissue into the water, you need to flush. I don't care if it wastes water. If you're that worried about wasting water, throw your tissues in the trash, not the toilet. Second off, close the lid. Not the seat; the lid. Why?

Because Alice, like so many Maine Coons, likes to play with water. And the toilet? Is full of water. Once your nasty tissue has been in my toilet, I don't particularly want the cat to fish it out and bring it to me, thanks.

Last night, when I got home from work, I performed the standard checks—are both cats present? Are both cats breathing? Have they managed to break anything large and/or visible? After confirming yes, yes, and no, I went about my business. At some point during the "business" part of the program, Alice wandered off to do kitten things. This didn't concern me much; kittens are mysterious creatures, and spend a lot of time off doing kitten things, which usually end with a loud crash and a startled-looking puffball racing back into the bedroom. No big deal.

After I'd finished unpacking my bags, scanning some art cards, and eating dinner, I proceeded to the bathroom. The toilet lid was down. Repeat: the toilet lid was down, indicating safety. I began to sit.

The toilet said, inquisitively, "Mrph?"

Having seen approximately eight hundred hours-worth of horror cinema in my lifetime, I was once more fully dressed in less than five seconds. Furthermore, I was standing in the bathtub, that being the furthest I could reasonably get from the toilet without having the presence of mind to flee the bathroom entirely. I looked into the toilet bowl. Alice, balled calmly in the bottom of it, looked back. Meet my kitten, the TOILET SHARK.

I got her to leave the toilet by putting a few inches of water in the tub and encouraging her to play with that instead. She happily submerged several of her feather toys and went off to coax Lilly into the bath. Lilly, being, I don't know, an actual cat, was having none of it. (Alice got her comeuppance later, when her aquatic adventures required her to have a good brushing. Somehow, I doubt this is going to make her learn.) At least I know why she's damp all the damn time...

You know, the horror movies of the 1980s taught me to check toilets before I sat down, because they might contain monsters. It took me years to break this habit, thinking it was a foolish fear. Shows what I know. In conclusion, when you come over to my place...

...look down before you pee. You might be sorry if you don't.
Tags: alice, cats, horror movies, oh the humanity
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aeriedraconia

April 14 2009, 18:12:10 UTC 8 years ago

Yep, I always look before I sit (there may be bugs/snakes/monsters in there) and it's lids down at my house.
Years ago our torite kitty had three kittens and one day all three of them ended up IN the toilet, one after the other. After I had to run upstairs for the third time to fish a kitten out of the toilet we learned to put the lid down. I always wonder if mum kitty was trying to drown her kittens, teach them to swim or teach us to put the lid down. 0.0
Kitties also like to play in the water and leave the toilet seat wet. Eurgh!

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:21:07 UTC 8 years ago

...I'm going to choose to believe swimming lessons. o.O And I'm so very with you on the wet seats. Eurgh indeed.

kyrielle

April 14 2009, 18:27:10 UTC 8 years ago

*dying of laughter* I am suddenly much less upset by Ray's antics....

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:21:22 UTC 8 years ago

Glad to've put it in perspective. I think.

bardling

April 14 2009, 18:27:48 UTC 8 years ago

LOL, chortle, snorfle and all that, literally - you can ask fleetfootmike! :)

...and thank you, a good solid laugh is always a good thing! *hug* :)

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:21:37 UTC 8 years ago

You're very welcome, darling. Now answer your email. ;)

bardling

8 years ago

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miintikwa

April 14 2009, 19:21:01 UTC 8 years ago

*giggles, lots* OMG Ichigo is not alone in his obsession with toilets! I feel so much better.

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:21:54 UTC 8 years ago

To judge by this thread, he's living in a crowded subdivision!

miintikwa

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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miintikwa

8 years ago

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mariadkins

April 14 2009, 19:21:48 UTC 8 years ago

ROFLMAO

I know it scared you to death, but that's just damned funny!

((i probably would have peed all over myself - and the cat - and had stephen king nightmares))

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:22:16 UTC 8 years ago

Mmmmm, Stephen King...

...I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

mariadkins

8 years ago

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naamah_darling

April 14 2009, 19:28:10 UTC 8 years ago

That is really cute. I am glad that it's not MY cat.

My cats used to sit side by side in front of the toilet, staring. Just staring. It was unnerving. Were they worshipping it? Watching it for tentacles? What?!

flawed_karma

April 14 2009, 21:14:06 UTC 8 years ago

It's called Poopervising.

My lab will come in and spit her tennis ball out at me. Obviously I only pee so we can play fetch.

My life is absurd.

celyste

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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jacylrin

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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wyld_dandelyon

April 14 2009, 19:37:12 UTC 8 years ago

Given this story, in what way do you think closing the lid will make any difference?

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:23:31 UTC 8 years ago

No little wet kitten prints on the toilet seat.

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:23:52 UTC 8 years ago

Thankfully, not an authorized spin-off...

Metaquoted! (wrong rabbithole, Alice!)

snowcoma

April 14 2009, 20:18:29 UTC 8 years ago

Hope you don't mind, I figured it was okay since you have an open policy and this wasn't locked.

http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/7103650.html

Re: Metaquoted! (wrong rabbithole, Alice!)

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:24:04 UTC 8 years ago

Not a problem at all!

the_dark_fyre

April 14 2009, 20:22:50 UTC 8 years ago

I'm a fan of your music who just found out you have an LJ via metaquotes... so I friended you. I hope you don't mind!

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:24:17 UTC 8 years ago

I don't mind at all! Welcome!

starletfallen

April 14 2009, 20:33:05 UTC 8 years ago

*cracks up* Oh wow. Just... oh wow. I'm so glad that Simba is a defective Maine Coon who can't STAND water (since that incident with falling into Aubrey's bath after missing his perch when he tried to jump onto the edge of the bath while she was in there).

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:24:29 UTC 8 years ago

Oooooooops!

ginalin

April 14 2009, 21:00:19 UTC 8 years ago

Once in a while, you run into a weird water loving cat.

http://www.toiletmonsters.com/

At least you don't need one of these.

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:24:46 UTC 8 years ago

...and yet now I sort of want one...

ginalin

8 years ago

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argonel

April 14 2009, 21:00:54 UTC 8 years ago

BTW does it make me a hoorible person that I keep flashing back to Tiny toons and thinking "*Flush* Kitty go down the hole"

I'm not sure if I would recommned trying it. Either it will get her to stay out, or it will entertain her and she may learn to flush the toilet for her entertainment.

flawed_karma

April 14 2009, 21:15:11 UTC 8 years ago

My ferrets LOVED the toilet. We had to get toddler locks finally after fishing out wet weasels.

Good times.

argonel

8 years ago

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archangelbeth

8 years ago

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flawed_karma

8 years ago

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archangelbeth

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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melissajm

April 14 2009, 21:27:09 UTC 8 years ago

It's so true! Alias once fell in, and the lid slammed shut. She exploded out of the toilet, dripping and yowling... And she'll STILL play in there if we leave the lid up.

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:26:04 UTC 8 years ago

Leela once made bubble bath in the toilet, but it was an accident, and she was sorry.

sophie_lawson

April 14 2009, 21:36:40 UTC 8 years ago

This is clearly one fo the best cat stories I have ever heard!

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:26:15 UTC 8 years ago

Hooray!

tanyad

April 14 2009, 21:49:01 UTC 8 years ago

came over from meta_quotes. I'm laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes.

My cats don't try to climb in the toilet but they raise an unholy racket when I take a bath. I don't know what they think I'm doing but they don't like it.

I may have to repost this to my LJ if you don't mind.

Thanks for a good laugh today!

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:26:37 UTC 8 years ago

Go for it! And most cats think playing in the water is insane. They may be right.

kyra_neko_rei

April 14 2009, 22:32:37 UTC 8 years ago

. . . WOW.

That is all.

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:26:44 UTC 8 years ago

Hee.

judifilksign

April 14 2009, 23:19:17 UTC 8 years ago

Beware in the bath and shower. Maine Coons like to join in the fun there, too. Just sayin'.

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:27:06 UTC 8 years ago

Alice has joined me in the bath, but not yet the shower. Brushing a wet cat, not fun.

judifilksign

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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jenk

8 years ago

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galeni

April 14 2009, 23:57:56 UTC 8 years ago

(hysterical)

Thank you!

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:27:17 UTC 8 years ago

You're welcome!

the_sheryl

April 15 2009, 01:27:27 UTC 8 years ago

Y'know, I don't think I'm going to complain about Nova licking the water off my legs when I get out of the shower. In comparison, that's pretty tame.

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:27:37 UTC 8 years ago

See, there you go. We provide perspective.

lysystratae

April 15 2009, 03:19:28 UTC 8 years ago

Hmmm... Alice and my kitten Ebay (ok, so he hasn't been an actual kitten for a couple years now; he's the youngest cat in the house {and the biggest} so he's the kitten) may be related. Took me a while to figure out why his tail and feet were always wet...

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:27:46 UTC 8 years ago

Hee!

heatherwpetty

April 15 2009, 05:04:19 UTC 8 years ago

Hands down, my favorite cat story of ALL TIME EVER.

ahahahahahahaa love!

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:29:19 UTC 8 years ago

Your icon makes me happy. :)

heatherwpetty

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:29:57 UTC 8 years ago

YES. Alice has like a million "words," but her word for "MOM MOM MOM MOM" is all one note, and that note burns.

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:30:04 UTC 8 years ago

*giggles*

amanda_nye

April 15 2009, 06:54:09 UTC 8 years ago

that is hilarious... and so WEIRD

seanan_mcguire

April 15 2009, 14:30:16 UTC 8 years ago

She has weird down.
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