i want my cat backNyssa was still clearly in pain, and collapsed back on the pillow wheezing and panting. So I called my mother, and got Nyssa into the carrier while I waited for Mom to come and pick me up. We left for the vet at five o'clock. I got home around seven-thirty.
Nyssa was old. She was tired. The vet said her kidneys had completely stopped functioning; she weighed less than five pounds, and she didn't fight at all. Not once. She just let us hold her, and she purred, and she was limp and calm. Batya said recently that Nyssa had no bones left, that she was just paper mache and mice, and that was her last night.
I told her she was good. I stayed with her the whole time, and I told her she was good, and I told her it was okay, that she could go, that I wouldn't be mad. But I think I was lying. I'm not okay at all. She was supposed to live forever. That was the whole deal. I would love her, and take care of her, and put up with her, and she would live forever. I made that deal with Nyssa, and with Leela, and with Sarah Jane, and Ben, and Pepper, and Pirate, and Princess, and Mindy, and every cat I've ever lived with. And they never keep their side of the bargain, and I love them anyway, and I am not okay.
I want my kitty back. But more, I just want to know that she isn't hurting anymore. I guess that's how this can be okay. Because she isn't hurting anymore. And somewhere in my heart, she's still half a pound of fur, and I'm still arguing that they have to let me keep her, and today is a million years away. I always fall in love again.
Oh, Nyssa. Oh, I love you.
February 25 2009, 02:41:29 UTC 8 years ago
*many hugs*
I wish I knew what words of comfort to offer. I've lost a number of my own furbabies over the years, and I'm sure you know as well as I do that missing them never stops, it just slowly, oh so slowly, gets easier to breathe around the pain. Just remember that she had a long, long life with you, and knew the love and comfort of a safe and happy home, and that she'll always be with you in spirit. Somewhere in the afterlife of her choosing, she's got a safe perch in a sunbeam and is watching over her little sister Lilly and watching you. She's free of the pain, of her body falling apart around her, and she's strong and whole again, and she loves you and wants you to be okay. She knows you love her, and that you'll never forget her, and I'm sure she's also somehow aware that you've shared her pictures and poured out your love for her into the interwebs, and more people than have ever met her in person have called her beautiful and wonderful and lovely.
I wish I knew how to make it better for you, but all I can offer is a virtual shoulder to cry on, warm thoughts, and the knowledge that you're not alone in your pain. We're here for you, we understand, and we love you.
February 25 2009, 18:21:54 UTC 8 years ago