Nyssa, 1991-2009.: seanan

Nyssa, 1991-2009.

Last night, when I got home, my eighteen-year-old cat was wheezing, having difficulty breathing, and obviously in pain. I got her calmed down, offered her food, which she declined, and put her on my pillow to sleep. She napped a little, woke up, cried a little, and seemed to settle. Then Lilly -- my five-year-old -- got onto the bed, and Nyssa attacked her viciously, going for her eyes. Lilly is the mellowest cat alive. She freaked out, and ran, crying, to hide under the desk.

Nyssa was still clearly in pain, and collapsed back on the pillow wheezing and panting. So I called my mother, and got Nyssa into the carrier while I waited for Mom to come and pick me up. We left for the vet at five o'clock. I got home around seven-thirty.

Nyssa was old. She was tired. The vet said her kidneys had completely stopped functioning; she weighed less than five pounds, and she didn't fight at all. Not once. She just let us hold her, and she purred, and she was limp and calm. Batya said recently that Nyssa had no bones left, that she was just paper mache and mice, and that was her last night.

I told her she was good. I stayed with her the whole time, and I told her she was good, and I told her it was okay, that she could go, that I wouldn't be mad. But I think I was lying. I'm not okay at all. She was supposed to live forever. That was the whole deal. I would love her, and take care of her, and put up with her, and she would live forever. I made that deal with Nyssa, and with Leela, and with Sarah Jane, and Ben, and Pepper, and Pirate, and Princess, and Mindy, and every cat I've ever lived with. And they never keep their side of the bargain, and I love them anyway, and I am not okay.

I want my kitty back. But more, I just want to know that she isn't hurting anymore. I guess that's how this can be okay. Because she isn't hurting anymore. And somewhere in my heart, she's still half a pound of fur, and I'm still arguing that they have to let me keep her, and today is a million years away. I always fall in love again.

Oh, Nyssa. Oh, I love you.

jmward14

February 25 2009, 05:41:57 UTC 8 years ago

New comment

{{{{{Seanan}}}}}
There are no words. Sending all the good thoughts and comfort I've got.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:24:38 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

annemariewrites

February 25 2009, 06:44:27 UTC 8 years ago

My condolences. Oh, but she was loved!

February 25 2009, 18:24:48 UTC 8 years ago

She never doubted that.

Deleted comment

February 25 2009, 18:24:57 UTC 8 years ago

black13

February 25 2009, 09:05:23 UTC 8 years ago

I've said too many goodbyes myself, so I know how you feel. I'm sorry for you.

February 25 2009, 18:25:05 UTC 8 years ago

kenakeri

February 25 2009, 12:28:46 UTC 8 years ago

I'm so sorry about your loss.

February 25 2009, 18:25:12 UTC 8 years ago

evilstmars

February 25 2009, 23:21:45 UTC 8 years ago

I'm sorry to hear about Nyssa - I know how much you'll miss her and how loved she was.

February 26 2009, 00:00:59 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you. Lilly is coping quite well, largely, I think, because she now gets the entire bed to herself. I'm speaking to a few catteries about what comes next.

rms_butterfly

February 26 2009, 03:14:53 UTC 8 years ago

*hugs* hon, lots and lots of them. It's so hard when they leave. You loved her and she loved you, even though it was time for her to go. And you loved her enough to let her go. *hugs tight*

February 26 2009, 18:00:45 UTC 8 years ago

It's just so damn hard.

quaryn_dk

February 26 2009, 07:54:16 UTC 8 years ago

Oh hon. *hugs* 28 years is a damn long kitty life, so clearly she was doing all she could to keep her end of the bargain. But that won't make the kitty-shaped hole in your heart hurt less, so all I can do is offer hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

February 26 2009, 07:58:05 UTC 8 years ago

Clearly grief is affecting my math skills. Even so, 18 years is still a long life for a kitty, but altogether too short for a kitty-lover.

February 26 2009, 18:02:32 UTC 8 years ago

Grief does that. And yes, on both counts.

Post a new comment
135 comments

Log in

Nyssa, 1991-2009.

Error