i want my cat backNyssa was still clearly in pain, and collapsed back on the pillow wheezing and panting. So I called my mother, and got Nyssa into the carrier while I waited for Mom to come and pick me up. We left for the vet at five o'clock. I got home around seven-thirty.
Nyssa was old. She was tired. The vet said her kidneys had completely stopped functioning; she weighed less than five pounds, and she didn't fight at all. Not once. She just let us hold her, and she purred, and she was limp and calm. Batya said recently that Nyssa had no bones left, that she was just paper mache and mice, and that was her last night.
I told her she was good. I stayed with her the whole time, and I told her she was good, and I told her it was okay, that she could go, that I wouldn't be mad. But I think I was lying. I'm not okay at all. She was supposed to live forever. That was the whole deal. I would love her, and take care of her, and put up with her, and she would live forever. I made that deal with Nyssa, and with Leela, and with Sarah Jane, and Ben, and Pepper, and Pirate, and Princess, and Mindy, and every cat I've ever lived with. And they never keep their side of the bargain, and I love them anyway, and I am not okay.
I want my kitty back. But more, I just want to know that she isn't hurting anymore. I guess that's how this can be okay. Because she isn't hurting anymore. And somewhere in my heart, she's still half a pound of fur, and I'm still arguing that they have to let me keep her, and today is a million years away. I always fall in love again.
Oh, Nyssa. Oh, I love you.
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February 25 2009, 00:18:37 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:18:57 UTC 8 years ago
She was so good.
February 25 2009, 00:24:50 UTC 8 years ago
It would be nice if kitties kept their side of the bargain.
February 25 2009, 18:19:06 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 00:41:34 UTC 8 years ago
That's normal. No, you're not okay. You're not meant to be. You loved her, and the loss hurts. It is grief, it is natural, and you are not alone. ♥
February 25 2009, 18:19:18 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 01:14:07 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:19:26 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 01:16:07 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:19:35 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 01:22:10 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:19:47 UTC 8 years ago
8 years ago
February 25 2009, 01:37:15 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:19:55 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 01:40:27 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:20:07 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 01:53:59 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:20:16 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 02:01:59 UTC 8 years ago
I'm so sorry. So sorry.
My heart breaks for you. I am glad you were with her, and you did the right thing, but that must have been dreadful, and I'm so sorry.
*hugs*
February 25 2009, 18:21:10 UTC 8 years ago
I didn't want to do it. I want her back. And the world won't work that way, no matter how nicely I ask.
February 25 2009, 02:10:57 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:21:20 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 02:12:24 UTC 8 years ago
I will lend to you for just a while a kitten, God said.
For you to love while she lives, and mourn for when she's dead.
Maybe for twelve or fourteen years, or maybe two or three.
But will you, 'till I call her back, take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you and, should her stay be brief
You'll always have her memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught below I want this kitten to learn.
I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true.
And from the folk that crowds life's land I have chosen you.
Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take my kitten home again?
I fancied that I heard them say 'Dear Lord, Thy Will Be Done'
For all the joys this kitten brings the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may.
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should you call her back to you, much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.
If, by our love we've managed your wishes to achieve,
Then in memory of the one we loved, please help us while we grieve.
When our cherished kitty-girl departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needing soul for us to love all her life.
Author Unknown
Adapted from “Thy Will Be Done” by Edgar Guest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weep not for me though I am gone
into that gentle night.
Grieve if you will, but not for long
upon my soul's sweet flight.
I am at peace, my soul's at rest
There is no need for tears.
For with your love I was so blessed.
For all those many years.
There is no pain, I suffer not,
The fear now all is gone.
Put now these things out of your thoughts,
In your memory I live on.
Remember not my fight for breath
Remember not the strife.
Please do not dwell upon my death,
But celebrate my life.
Copyright 1992 Constance Jenkins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They will not go quietly,
the cats who've shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know
their spirit still survive.
Old habits still make us think
we hear a meow at the door.
Or step back when we drop
a tasty morsel on the floor.
Our feet still go around the place
the food dish used to be,
And, sometimes, coming home at night,
we miss them terribly.
And although time may bring new friends
and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts
belongs to them....
and always will.
~ Linda Barnes ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nyssa will never be forgotten - even by those who never met her. Her pawprints will remain in your heart forever.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know nothing I can say can take away your pain, I'm sorry for that, too. I wish I could be there for you right now...
February 25 2009, 18:21:36 UTC 8 years ago
Thank you.
February 25 2009, 02:26:26 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:21:45 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 02:41:29 UTC 8 years ago
*many hugs*
I wish I knew what words of comfort to offer. I've lost a number of my own furbabies over the years, and I'm sure you know as well as I do that missing them never stops, it just slowly, oh so slowly, gets easier to breathe around the pain. Just remember that she had a long, long life with you, and knew the love and comfort of a safe and happy home, and that she'll always be with you in spirit. Somewhere in the afterlife of her choosing, she's got a safe perch in a sunbeam and is watching over her little sister Lilly and watching you. She's free of the pain, of her body falling apart around her, and she's strong and whole again, and she loves you and wants you to be okay. She knows you love her, and that you'll never forget her, and I'm sure she's also somehow aware that you've shared her pictures and poured out your love for her into the interwebs, and more people than have ever met her in person have called her beautiful and wonderful and lovely.
I wish I knew how to make it better for you, but all I can offer is a virtual shoulder to cry on, warm thoughts, and the knowledge that you're not alone in your pain. We're here for you, we understand, and we love you.
February 25 2009, 18:21:54 UTC 8 years ago
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February 25 2009, 18:22:02 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 02:54:52 UTC 8 years ago
I'm crying for you now, love. And for Nyssa. And for Sweet Betsy, who was my forever cat from when I was too young to know any better to when I was too old to be so surprised. It broke something in me when she died, but they give us all the forever they've got. It's not their fault no one has built us an 80 year cat yet.
February 25 2009, 18:22:39 UTC 8 years ago
8 years ago
February 25 2009, 03:39:08 UTC 8 years ago
*hugs*
February 25 2009, 18:22:47 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 03:39:41 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:22:58 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 03:46:59 UTC 8 years ago
*goes to find Heidi & Vir & hugs them hard*
February 25 2009, 18:23:09 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 03:51:25 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:23:16 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 03:58:27 UTC 8 years ago
*cries softly with you*
February 25 2009, 18:23:24 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 04:33:35 UTC 8 years ago
*hugs* I know it is hard, but they unfortunately can't stay forever. Give the living kitties extra love and scritches and neck nuzzles. And love them all the harder while you can.
They'll probably give you a "Mom, You're Squishing Me!" squeal, but it will be worth the giggle.
*more hugs*
February 25 2009, 18:23:43 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 04:46:37 UTC 8 years ago
That's what our cats have done when it's time. As hard as it is to say good bye, you did the right thing. Telling yourself that doesn't really take the pain away but hopefully it'll make it easier to bear. Nyssa cheated Death a long time but unfortunately Death wins in the end. Which really sucks.
February 25 2009, 18:24:09 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 05:07:18 UTC 8 years ago
I have been there, and will be there again. Deepest sympathies.
February 25 2009, 18:24:18 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 05:08:52 UTC 8 years ago
February 25 2009, 18:24:28 UTC 8 years ago
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