Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: i want my cat back
  • Music: Evil Dead, 'Evil Trees.'

Nyssa, 1991-2009.

Last night, when I got home, my eighteen-year-old cat was wheezing, having difficulty breathing, and obviously in pain. I got her calmed down, offered her food, which she declined, and put her on my pillow to sleep. She napped a little, woke up, cried a little, and seemed to settle. Then Lilly -- my five-year-old -- got onto the bed, and Nyssa attacked her viciously, going for her eyes. Lilly is the mellowest cat alive. She freaked out, and ran, crying, to hide under the desk.

Nyssa was still clearly in pain, and collapsed back on the pillow wheezing and panting. So I called my mother, and got Nyssa into the carrier while I waited for Mom to come and pick me up. We left for the vet at five o'clock. I got home around seven-thirty.

Nyssa was old. She was tired. The vet said her kidneys had completely stopped functioning; she weighed less than five pounds, and she didn't fight at all. Not once. She just let us hold her, and she purred, and she was limp and calm. Batya said recently that Nyssa had no bones left, that she was just paper mache and mice, and that was her last night.

I told her she was good. I stayed with her the whole time, and I told her she was good, and I told her it was okay, that she could go, that I wouldn't be mad. But I think I was lying. I'm not okay at all. She was supposed to live forever. That was the whole deal. I would love her, and take care of her, and put up with her, and she would live forever. I made that deal with Nyssa, and with Leela, and with Sarah Jane, and Ben, and Pepper, and Pirate, and Princess, and Mindy, and every cat I've ever lived with. And they never keep their side of the bargain, and I love them anyway, and I am not okay.

I want my kitty back. But more, I just want to know that she isn't hurting anymore. I guess that's how this can be okay. Because she isn't hurting anymore. And somewhere in my heart, she's still half a pound of fur, and I'm still arguing that they have to let me keep her, and today is a million years away. I always fall in love again.

Oh, Nyssa. Oh, I love you.

Tags: cats, grief, nyssa
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carmiel

February 24 2009, 22:34:13 UTC 8 years ago

I'm so sorry. I've lost a beloved kitty too, and even after all these years it still makes me sad to think I'll never hear Leopold calling for his "mama" ever again. :'(
(hug)

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:11:08 UTC 8 years ago

I keep thinking I hear her in the next room. It's very hard.

vulpine137

February 24 2009, 22:34:33 UTC 8 years ago

I'm so sorry :(

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:11:16 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

Deleted comment

spiritdance

February 25 2009, 02:08:21 UTC 8 years ago

Yes, I've seen the same as Anne.

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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bardling

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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bardling

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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ravenclawed

February 24 2009, 22:36:34 UTC 8 years ago

*hugs* I've been told that animals don't go to Heaven (or whatever equivalent is beyond this world), but I don't believe that. I think Nyssa (who was such a pretty cat) is there, along with all the other beloved pets we all have lost. They're all playing and eating and sleeping and having a grand time.

dornbeast

February 24 2009, 22:58:13 UTC 8 years ago

If pets don't go to Heaven, I'll have to reconsider whether it's actually Heaven or not.

kyrielle

8 years ago

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netpositive

8 years ago

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lovefromgirl

8 years ago

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lwood

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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cathschaffstump

February 24 2009, 22:38:35 UTC 8 years ago

I am so sorry for your loss.

Catherine

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:13:54 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

apocalypticbob

February 24 2009, 22:43:31 UTC 8 years ago

*weeps for your loss*

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:14:03 UTC 8 years ago

She was very good.

mariadkins

February 24 2009, 22:44:30 UTC 8 years ago

...and she purred...

Grey Lady did that. It only made me cry harder. And she went to sleep with her eyes open, and I went a bit hysterical - laughing my ass off through my tears; the vet tech thought I'd lost it. But Grey Lady always went to sleep with her eyes open; it's what she did. It's been two years, and I still miss her like hell. :(

{{{HUGS}}}

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:14:39 UTC 8 years ago

Both my old girls have gone with their eyes open. It's like they thought they could stare death down. Pratchett says Death likes cats, so who knows? Maybe they did.

mariadkins

8 years ago

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gwynnega

February 24 2009, 22:48:13 UTC 8 years ago

I'm so very sorry.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:14:53 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

lavenderfae9

February 24 2009, 22:52:34 UTC 8 years ago

You are the second person on my flist who had to say goodbye to a beloved kitty recently. My heart goes out to you.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:15:00 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

lostwind

February 24 2009, 22:53:54 UTC 8 years ago

I wish I could say the words that would finally bring you comfort, but I know I can't.
I hope time diminishes your pain and strenghtens the memory of your love for your darling kitties.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:15:21 UTC 8 years ago

Time will help; time helps. I still miss Leela, so time doesn't do everything. But it helps. And thank you.

jennifer_brozek

February 24 2009, 22:57:31 UTC 8 years ago

Again, I'm so sorry.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:15:33 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

queenoftheskies

February 24 2009, 22:58:50 UTC 8 years ago

::HUGS::

I'm so sorry for your loss.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:15:41 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

kyrielle

February 24 2009, 23:03:22 UTC 8 years ago

*hugs* I'm sorry.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:15:50 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

meko00

February 24 2009, 23:04:55 UTC 8 years ago

I'm so sorry, Seanan.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:15:58 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

filkerdave

February 24 2009, 23:08:25 UTC 8 years ago

Quiet hugs

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:16:07 UTC 8 years ago

Very appreciated.

kyburg

February 24 2009, 23:09:26 UTC 8 years ago

I've learned that when the world tries, it can be kind - but not gentle.

I've also learned that you don't get to keep anything; only admire it, cherish it and enjoy it. When it's time to go, it leaves. I've gotten good at waving goodbye...and welcoming what comes after. Because something always comes. Always. (Watch for it.)

Life is a series of meetings and partings, and nothing changes that a whit. I'll also tell you what I was told by people who had endured this longer than me - all is well. And all will be well. Promise.

I am so sorry - I've got a kitty just beginning to show her age and I was just thinking about Nyssa the other day, giving her the once over.

Nyssa was a verra good kitty. The world was kind. It was not gentle.

I am so sorry.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:16:25 UTC 8 years ago

So very true. The world was kind. It wasn't gentle.

I miss her.

ladymondegreen

February 24 2009, 23:13:34 UTC 8 years ago

I miss Nyssa too.

My favorite memory of her is watching her walk on Rika at your house. Rika was curled up in the big brown bearclaw blanket in your back room and Nyssa walked over her, and then stuck her nose in Rika's face. Rika was still sleeping, and started to rouse and pet Nyssa. Nyssa curled in and they nestled, beautiful and sleeping.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:16:40 UTC 8 years ago

She liked Rika. She liked everybody.

tikiera

February 24 2009, 23:28:28 UTC 8 years ago

I am sorry.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:16:49 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

kendaer

February 24 2009, 23:37:08 UTC 8 years ago

*offers hugs*
Like you, I've lost many a kitty over the years, to kidney disease, sudden renal failure, and most recently (2 years ago now) cancer.

It's never easy, but knowing that they aren't in pain and distress any longer is at least (sometimes) a small comfort. Remembering the cycle of life is also (sometimes) a small comfort. I'm sorry that I never got the chance to meet your beautiful Nyssa, but I'm sorrier still for your loss.

I still miss and remember Tiger, Thunder, Shadow, Lightning, Prissy, and Belle.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:17:15 UTC 8 years ago

I'm just glad to have Lilly right now. I don't think I'd be upright without her.

kendaer

8 years ago

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filkertom

February 24 2009, 23:38:37 UTC 8 years ago

So, so sorry, m'dear. Hugs and gentle songs.

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:17:24 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you, thank you.

geojlc

February 24 2009, 23:50:13 UTC 8 years ago

we're never as ready as we think we are. hugs and tissues... :-)

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:17:34 UTC 8 years ago

I definitely need the tissues.

redbird57

February 24 2009, 23:54:23 UTC 8 years ago

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm glad you got to be with her, though. I couldn't be with Yum-yum when she died back in November, but I got to see her one last time the night before and tell her good-bye.
Cats are supposed to live forever.

sylvidoptera

February 25 2009, 00:01:50 UTC 8 years ago

Cats are supposed to live forever.

Amen to that. But yet, something that beautiful and wonderful I guess has to be fleeting for us to appreciate it that much more. Like a sunset or a rainbow.

I still miss every single one of my babies that's passed on, and I will until the day I join them.

redbird57

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:18:22 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you.

*offers icon*

dimloep_suum

February 25 2009, 00:07:40 UTC 8 years ago

My Felix went in a similar manner. Liver failure. I couldn't bear to be with him, though, and as I walked out of the Banfield clinic, his collar in my hands, I felt like I was abandoning my baby. But it was my only option, really; I just didn't want him to suffer any more than he already had. It was so much harder than losing all out other cats, 'cause a) they were all outdoor cats and either got hit by cars on our busy road or just ran away, and b) he was *my* cat, whereas all the others were family pets.

You're a great catmommy. She's in good company now, with Felix and Tiger and my dad's Maine Coon, Forrest, and Smokey and Spud and oh gods we've had so damn many cats...

Re: *offers icon*

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:18:36 UTC 8 years ago

I'm not okay either.

But thank you.

Re: *offers icon*

dimloep_suum

8 years ago

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Re: *offers icon*

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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Re: *offers icon*

dimloep_suum

8 years ago

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batyatoon

February 25 2009, 00:09:19 UTC 8 years ago

*holds you*

seanan_mcguire

February 25 2009, 18:18:43 UTC 8 years ago

*cries*

batyatoon

8 years ago

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