Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire

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Holidays that really mean something.

According to my big list* of holidays, today is a holiday that's very near and dear to my heart. Not quite as near and dear as Virus Appreciation Day (October 3rd), Waiting For The Barbarians Day (November 4th), or Cuckoo Warning Day (June 21st), but still both near and dear.

Today is Australia Day.

Today we celebrate the fact that Australia exists, the fact that Australia is full of things that want to make us all die, and the fact that Australia pretty much hates the human race. Specific things to celebrate about Australia include venomous snakes, spiders the size of dinner plates, marsupials, really interesting money, the koala (which will totally rip your face off if you poke at it), and the cone snail, which is the size of a man's thumb and can kill you extremely dead. This is why you do not fuck around with the native wildlife of Australia.

Tonight I will continue my celebration by watching several episodes of H2O: Just Add Water, an Australian teen sitcom about three girls who wind up in the wrong place at the wrong time and wind up getting turned into mermaids. It sounds incredibly twee, but even Chloe -- the wuss of the group -- would kick Hannah Montana's ass without so much as breaking a nail. In Australia, even the kiddie TV can kill you. And next year, I'll celebrate Australia Day by actually going to Melbourne, Australia, for the glory of WorldCon.

Thank you for existing, Australia! Today is your day. Your venomous, deadly, kicking-your-ass, being eaten by koalas day.

Hooray Australia!

(*I seriously have a holiday for every single day of the year, and sometimes more than one. Because the world needs more to celebrate.)
Tags: australia makes you die, good things, silliness, too much tv, wild adventures
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  • 54 comments
Don't forget kangaroos (whose powerful hind legs with three inch claws can disembowl a human quicker than, well, pretty much anything), red-back spiders (who *do* like to hide on the underside of the rim of the toilet seat in many areas), trapdoor spiders (who literally sit in the ground, under their little trapdoors, and wait for unsuspecting prey - including human feet/hands etc to disturb the door), white-tailed spiders (whose venom, while not especially toxic, can trigger an allergic reaction in susceptible people that literally eats the skin off the body), bluebottles (Portuguese Man O' War), box jellyfish and irukandji (another stinging jellyfish) - all of which have cause fatalities, stingrays (think Steve Irwin) scorpion fish, crocodiles and last, but not least, Sharks (including the Great White and tiger sharks). We had a fatal shark attack on my most local beach (Port Kennedy, Western Australia) just a few weeks ago (even if it was the first in my memory along our stretch of coastline, and probably the first in the recorded history of the area).

However, becoming a victim of any of our most dangerous creatures is extremely difficult - unless you go looking for them. Snakes are mostly extremely shy, sharks rarely attack, and many beaches are either netted or patrolled, and the probability of spiderbite, kangaroo attack and crocodile attack are so low as to be almost nil. The statistics speak for themselves: Shark Attack, Spider bites, and just about everything else

Seriously, folks, Australia has some fantastic animals. But they are not hopping down Main Street, or dropping from trees onto unsuspecting tourists (there's no such thing as a 'drop bear'), or roaming our oceans searching for their next meal (well, ok, some are, but that meal is not generally human). Most of them are on display in either Zoos or Wildlife Sanctuaries, or visible on tourist trips to the Outback or areas outside suburbia. The cities and suburbs are a lot like the rest of the Western world - where dogs and wild birds (such as magpies) are the greatest natural threat to any person, and human beings and vehicles are more likely to harm you than anything you can find in the wild.

Australia is beautiful. Unique. There is no other place on earth quite like Australia. For such a young country, we have an incredibly rich and diverse history and culture, and we will welcome you with open arms and open hearts.

We can't wait to meet you :)


When did I become a blogging advertisement for the Tourism Commission?!? *boggles*
I intend to go looking. But that's because I'm crazy.