Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: quixotic
  • Music: Michael Jackson, 'Thriller.'

A Traveller's Phrasebook to Writerland.

Hello! Would you like to take a trip to Writerland, where all the writers are? You can see them frolic in the Fields of Verb, boldly venture into the Adjective Woods, and sink like stones in the infamous Editorial Swamp (home of the deadly White-Out Anaconda, capable of swallowing both man and manuscript in a single gulp). In an effort to help you survive your visit, we here at the Writerland Tourist Bureau have prepared this handy phrasebook, designed to help you understand our natives a little better.

You Say: "How much do you get paid?"
We Hear: "Did you know that being a writer means it's not rude to ask you about money?"

You Say: "How big was your advance?"
We Hear: "My use of industry jargon means you'll tell me."

You Say: "So when are you going to quit your day job?"
We Hear: "Since you're obviously making pots of money JUST TELL ME ALREADY."

You Say: "Where do you get your ideas?"
We Hear: "I would like it if you would punch me in the face."

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

You Say: "Why do you waste your talent on that trash?"
We Hear: "It's been too long since the last time you punched me in the face."

You Say: "Why do you need an editor? Aren't you good at this yet?"
We Hear: "Punching isn't good enough. Get the cobras."

You Say: "How long are you going to just sit there?"
We Hear: "I've come to distract you! Thank me later."

You Say: "Is it really that hard to be published?"
We Hear: "I would like a double order of cobras, and maybe some scorpions."

You Say: "Did you publish this yourself?"
We Hear: "Make those scorpions radioactive, if you would be so kind."

You Say: "How much writing do you have to do?"
We Hear: "I know you're just screwing around and being anti-social."

You Say: "Will you read my story?"
We Hear: "Litigation is fun!"

Please submit any further suggestions for our phrasebook to the Bureau, and have a nice day!
Tags: oh the humanity, silliness, writing
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  • 73 comments

emberleo

December 13 2008, 06:31:31 UTC 8 years ago Edited:  December 13 2008, 06:32:50 UTC

Okay, the others I get, but this one doesn't parse to me at all:

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

Why? Why not hear "It sounds great but I'm just not as good as you"? Or am I giving fans too much benefit of the doubt for actually admiring their favorite writers...

--Ember--

lysystratae

December 13 2008, 14:04:48 UTC 8 years ago

Because if they mean "I always wanted to be a writer but I wasn't any good at it", they'll say that :)

aedifica

December 13 2008, 17:34:59 UTC 8 years ago

I suspect it'd be OK if it's said wistfully. Dunno.

emberleo

December 13 2008, 21:54:45 UTC 8 years ago

Point. I definitely was thinking in terms of a wistful tone.

Geesh, what kind of person goes up to a professional writer and says something like that um... I don't know what tone would be the wrong way (sarcastic wouldn't make sense), but dude, that's just...

Duh.

I mean, I put my foot in my mouth all the time, but not because I completely lack respect.

--Ember--

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 22:28:42 UTC 8 years ago

Well, this whole list sort of assumes a certain approach. Almost anything can be meant sincerely, but these things are usually (in my experience) said by people who aren't trying to go 'wow, your job is hard,' but instead, 'I could totally do your job, I just can't be bothered.'

emberleo

December 13 2008, 23:46:10 UTC 8 years ago

It's true. And really, that was the only one that I went "buh? I don't get it?" The others are all remarks I've heard so many times from so many writers (well, okay, not with scorpions, but you know what I mean) that I understood.

--Ember--