Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: quixotic
  • Music: Michael Jackson, 'Thriller.'

A Traveller's Phrasebook to Writerland.

Hello! Would you like to take a trip to Writerland, where all the writers are? You can see them frolic in the Fields of Verb, boldly venture into the Adjective Woods, and sink like stones in the infamous Editorial Swamp (home of the deadly White-Out Anaconda, capable of swallowing both man and manuscript in a single gulp). In an effort to help you survive your visit, we here at the Writerland Tourist Bureau have prepared this handy phrasebook, designed to help you understand our natives a little better.

You Say: "How much do you get paid?"
We Hear: "Did you know that being a writer means it's not rude to ask you about money?"

You Say: "How big was your advance?"
We Hear: "My use of industry jargon means you'll tell me."

You Say: "So when are you going to quit your day job?"
We Hear: "Since you're obviously making pots of money JUST TELL ME ALREADY."

You Say: "Where do you get your ideas?"
We Hear: "I would like it if you would punch me in the face."

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

You Say: "Why do you waste your talent on that trash?"
We Hear: "It's been too long since the last time you punched me in the face."

You Say: "Why do you need an editor? Aren't you good at this yet?"
We Hear: "Punching isn't good enough. Get the cobras."

You Say: "How long are you going to just sit there?"
We Hear: "I've come to distract you! Thank me later."

You Say: "Is it really that hard to be published?"
We Hear: "I would like a double order of cobras, and maybe some scorpions."

You Say: "Did you publish this yourself?"
We Hear: "Make those scorpions radioactive, if you would be so kind."

You Say: "How much writing do you have to do?"
We Hear: "I know you're just screwing around and being anti-social."

You Say: "Will you read my story?"
We Hear: "Litigation is fun!"

Please submit any further suggestions for our phrasebook to the Bureau, and have a nice day!
Tags: oh the humanity, silliness, writing
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  • 73 comments

nyxalinth

December 12 2008, 22:02:57 UTC 8 years ago

"You have so much talent. You should be published!"

means...

"When are you going to stop writing fanfic and write a real story?"

enchantedskies

December 13 2008, 02:14:50 UTC 8 years ago

or a general "stop writing this crap and write something worthwhile." :-P

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:38:12 UTC 8 years ago

"Why are you wasting your talent on zombies and those horrible things? You could be writing sweet books!"

Stephen King apparently once had a woman come up to him in a grocery store and say he should write 'nice books, like that Shawshank Redemption.' Nothing he said could convince her.

droewyn

December 13 2008, 16:19:47 UTC 8 years ago

Oh, that sounds so much like my grandmother! She would insist on buying me Danielle Steele novels in the hope that they'd cause me to lose interest in dragons and aliens and other awfulness.

I read the books she bought me -- they were made of paper and had words printed in them, after all -- but change my tastes? Not so much.