Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: quixotic
  • Music: Michael Jackson, 'Thriller.'

A Traveller's Phrasebook to Writerland.

Hello! Would you like to take a trip to Writerland, where all the writers are? You can see them frolic in the Fields of Verb, boldly venture into the Adjective Woods, and sink like stones in the infamous Editorial Swamp (home of the deadly White-Out Anaconda, capable of swallowing both man and manuscript in a single gulp). In an effort to help you survive your visit, we here at the Writerland Tourist Bureau have prepared this handy phrasebook, designed to help you understand our natives a little better.

You Say: "How much do you get paid?"
We Hear: "Did you know that being a writer means it's not rude to ask you about money?"

You Say: "How big was your advance?"
We Hear: "My use of industry jargon means you'll tell me."

You Say: "So when are you going to quit your day job?"
We Hear: "Since you're obviously making pots of money JUST TELL ME ALREADY."

You Say: "Where do you get your ideas?"
We Hear: "I would like it if you would punch me in the face."

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

You Say: "Why do you waste your talent on that trash?"
We Hear: "It's been too long since the last time you punched me in the face."

You Say: "Why do you need an editor? Aren't you good at this yet?"
We Hear: "Punching isn't good enough. Get the cobras."

You Say: "How long are you going to just sit there?"
We Hear: "I've come to distract you! Thank me later."

You Say: "Is it really that hard to be published?"
We Hear: "I would like a double order of cobras, and maybe some scorpions."

You Say: "Did you publish this yourself?"
We Hear: "Make those scorpions radioactive, if you would be so kind."

You Say: "How much writing do you have to do?"
We Hear: "I know you're just screwing around and being anti-social."

You Say: "Will you read my story?"
We Hear: "Litigation is fun!"

Please submit any further suggestions for our phrasebook to the Bureau, and have a nice day!
Tags: oh the humanity, silliness, writing
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  • 73 comments

coppervale

December 12 2008, 20:50:50 UTC 8 years ago

LOL! Those are great.

Did you see my post today? I think you know that guy... ;)

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 02:46:09 UTC 8 years ago

I know that guy in several incarnations. Yet no one allows me to kill them.

black13

8 years ago

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mtgat

December 12 2008, 20:54:45 UTC 8 years ago

ILU!!! :D :D :D

enchantedskies

December 13 2008, 02:12:17 UTC 8 years ago

OMG, i love your icon. *is a biochemistry major who leans more towards chemistry*

AND lols! i think some of them... *how much writing* might be ok on its own... maybe.. depending on tone.. but added in with the rest make it hilarious. <3s

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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enchantedskies

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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hsifyppah

December 12 2008, 21:01:45 UTC 8 years ago

I would like a double-order of cobras, please.

sar_anon

December 12 2008, 21:48:52 UTC 8 years ago

With Scorpions. Make sure to not forget the Scorpions.
Why go with only one form of toxin when you can have two?

kyburg

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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markbernstein

December 12 2008, 21:01:48 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "I have this great idea. All you'd have to do is write it up, and we could split 50-50."

We Hear: "Make that two batches of scorpions, please, one for me and one for my lawyer."

scifantasy

December 12 2008, 21:04:55 UTC 8 years ago

That one also translates into "I have a great piece of irritant. All you have to do is make that into a pearl, and we could split 50-50."

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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scifantasy

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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*giggle*

netpositive

December 12 2008, 21:05:59 UTC 8 years ago

"Make those scorpions radioactive, if you would be so kind."

This isn't just you testing out your next idea for a series on us, is it? ;)

Re: *giggle*

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:35:30 UTC 8 years ago

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo. *looks innocent*

gaaneden

December 12 2008, 21:26:17 UTC 8 years ago

Hah! I didn't know that's what you wanted these for but... yes. I agree.

Here's another one I believe Jim Hines had to field, "How much did you pay to have that published?"

scifantasy

December 12 2008, 21:34:29 UTC 8 years ago

There's another dimension to that question, though. Depending on the tone of voice (snotty versus nervous and inquisitive), it can be a writing scam issue.

As Ann Crispin wrote: "Money is supposed to come from the publisher to the author. Not the other way around."

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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gwynnega

December 12 2008, 21:30:35 UTC 8 years ago

Heeeee.

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:36:18 UTC 8 years ago

*beam*

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dormouse_in_tea

December 12 2008, 22:01:23 UTC 8 years ago

*giggles* I approve of this sentiment, but I think I'll have this conversation with you from waaaaaay over here.

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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dornbeast

8 years ago

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solarbird

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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nyxalinth

December 12 2008, 22:02:57 UTC 8 years ago

"You have so much talent. You should be published!"

means...

"When are you going to stop writing fanfic and write a real story?"

enchantedskies

December 13 2008, 02:14:50 UTC 8 years ago

or a general "stop writing this crap and write something worthwhile." :-P

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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droewyn

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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hoppytoad79

8 years ago

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nyxalinth

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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mariadkins

December 12 2008, 22:21:29 UTC 8 years ago

Amen.

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:38:23 UTC 8 years ago

Hallelujah!

danceswthcobras

December 12 2008, 22:42:43 UTC 8 years ago

Yes please, I will have a double order of cobras. The scorpions are optional, but if they are added in, I would prefer Leiurus quinquestriatus.

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:38:36 UTC 8 years ago

So noted. *gives you cobras*

dornbeast

December 12 2008, 23:05:19 UTC 8 years ago

"When is the next book coming out?"
("Would you hit me with a fire axe, please?")

"Why did you [insert plot point here]? You ruined the series!"
("Would you kindly amputate my arms and legs with that fire axe? I would appreciate it.")

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:38:47 UTC 8 years ago

Oh, VERY accurate.

rrie_selavy

December 12 2008, 23:13:47 UTC 8 years ago

I know "Where do you get your ideas?" is verboten, but is asking "What inspires you?" as bad?

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:39:26 UTC 8 years ago

Actually, not at all. What inspires an author is widely diverse, and wildly interesting. 'What inspires you' shows interest, whereas 'where do you get your ideas' has basically become a platitude.

solarbird

December 12 2008, 23:40:12 UTC 8 years ago

We Hear: "I would like it if you would punch me in the face."
I hear that all the time. Doesn't everybody?

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:39:39 UTC 8 years ago

Only us special folks.

karjack

December 13 2008, 00:26:37 UTC 8 years ago

Haha, yes!

Here's another favorite: "I have a great idea for a story. I'll tell you, and you write it, and we'll split the profits!"

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:39:53 UTC 8 years ago

I adore that one. It gives me an excuse to scream.

black13

8 years ago

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talithakalago

December 13 2008, 00:45:11 UTC 8 years ago

Ugh.

I'm almost at the point where I /lie/ about what I do. However I feel this desire to be honest to doctors, in case, you know, it's relivant. (Too much House)

Anyway, my doctor is running half an hour late yesterday and he STILL wanted to learn everything about contracts, agents and advances. I suspect he's planning a book. -.-

Then we played on google for a while. Doctors should not have intenet access.

seanan_mcguire

December 13 2008, 04:40:03 UTC 8 years ago

Wooooooooooooooow. Okay, you win.

howland

December 13 2008, 01:35:18 UTC 8 years ago

The only one missing from my own encounters is:

You Say: "Which one of these characters is you?"
You Say: "Which one of these characters is me?"
You Say: "When did this happen to you?"
We Hear: "No matter how much of it I read, deep down, I still believe 'fiction' is just fancy gossip."

miintikwa

December 13 2008, 02:06:45 UTC 8 years ago

Ha! Oh my. Narcissism is not dead.

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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emberleo

December 13 2008, 06:31:31 UTC 8 years ago Edited:  December 13 2008, 06:32:50 UTC

Okay, the others I get, but this one doesn't parse to me at all:

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

Why? Why not hear "It sounds great but I'm just not as good as you"? Or am I giving fans too much benefit of the doubt for actually admiring their favorite writers...

--Ember--

lysystratae

December 13 2008, 14:04:48 UTC 8 years ago

Because if they mean "I always wanted to be a writer but I wasn't any good at it", they'll say that :)

aedifica

8 years ago

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emberleo

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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emberleo

8 years ago

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black13

June 8 2009, 15:39:33 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

I've had it happen once, when I was just getting started (as in, really really getting started, these days I call that period the time I learned how to use a typewriter), that someone figured it would be exactly that: easy. So they tried it themselves.

And gave up after five pages.

That one also thought it would take only about an hour and a half to write a screenplay, because movies run for an hour and a half, so it can't take longer to write than it takes to play.

A (let's say, former) friend of mine has been talking about writing a book for about 10 years now. Just talked about it. The last time we met, my wife almost scratched that friend's eyes out when she (the friend) said, "I'm a good writer, you know."

I didn't say anything, I just thought, "Maybe one day, once you get a working knowledge of grammar and spelling and punctuation -- and then, maybe, actually *write* something.

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 16:00:20 UTC 8 years ago

Wow. Your wife's restraint is awesome.

black13

8 years ago

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bodlon

December 2 2011, 12:54:34 UTC 5 years ago

I'm just seeing this and the second installment via your NaNo post, and want to thank you for improving my morning, sudden tea-infused sinus irrigation and all.

(My keyboard, however, is skeptical and wants a towel.)

seanan_mcguire

February 17 2012, 16:13:56 UTC 5 years ago

Hee, yay.