Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire

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I'll see you tomorrow.

(Note: The following post discusses depression and suicide, quite frankly. If you want to skip it, I will understand. Also, I am calling a preemptive comment amnesty, because I don't know that I can get through whatever comments may be left. Thank you.)

***

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day. Today is the day where we turn to ourselves and to others, and say "I'll see you tomorrow," because we're trying to promise to stay, and we're trying to ask them to do the same. Because we're still here. Because some people aren't. Because depression lies. Because the path gets narrow.

I'm still here. I'm still here because Disneyland exists, and I can go there, even if it's not as often as I'd like. I'm still here because my cats don't understand why I ever leave the house at all, even when it's to buy them food and treats, and they would never stop waiting for me to come home. I'm still here because there are so many dogs I have yet to meet.

I'm still here because I still ache for some of the people who have gone, and I don't want to do that to anyone who loves me. I'm still here because some days I'm too much of a coward to pick up the razor, and other days I'm brave enough not to pick up the razor, and as long as it stays out of my hand, I'm okay. I'm still here because I know that depression lies, and when it gets too loud, I can ask other people to talk me through the silence.

I'm still here because the Counting Crows are on tour again, because there are movies I still need to see and books I still need to read and favorite songs I still need to hear for the very first time. I'm still here because the thought of strangers going through my things distresses me (and is the reason that sometimes very bad depressive patches will come with a lot of acquisitions). I'm still here because I haven't had the chance to write the X-Men yet, and when I do, I am going to change the world. I'm still here because I want to be, because I need to be, and because the fight is still worth fighting.

I'm still here because the world contains tomatoes. Because Lush has started making a blackcurrant frosting-scented shower gel. Because I really like television. Because the stories I tell matter to people, sometimes more than I could ever have dreamed. Because I want to see a lot of Broadway shows. Because I've never been to Japan, or New Zealand, or Wyoming. Because there are so many corn fields for me to run through, laughing, in the autumn sun. Because the Great Pumpkin loves me.

I'm still here.

Your reasons for still being here may not be the same as mine. They probably aren't. Everyone's reasons are different. But I hope you'll stay. I hope you'll find your reasons.

I'll see you tomorrow.
Tags: depression
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