What I am dealing with.: seanan

What I am dealing with.

First, and somewhat amusingly, given my last post, reply amnesty is on for this entry. I will not respond to comments. I may not even read them. I don't know yet. Please do not email me or message me privately about the contents of this entry. I really need some space.

Second, I said yesterday that I was dealing with some shit. Here is the shit.

On the morning of Wednesday, July 23rd, I was with Carrie and Doc in Southern California, having spent the night at Doc's place preparatory to heading for San Diego Comic Con around noon. I was reading comics in the front room when my phone rang. I said something foul about the phone ringing, because I did not want to get up. I got up. It was my mother, who was also my designated cat sitter.

Something was very, very wrong with Lilly.

She was having seizures, foaming at the mouth, hissing, and biting. There was blood. Mom, knowing that none of this could mean anything good, asked for my permission to take her to the vet. "She may not come home" was not said; it didn't need to be. I gave my permission. There was nothing else I could do. I was very far away, and I couldn't possibly get home in time, and Lilly deserved better than to suffer for the amount of time it would have taken for me to catch a plane. I gave my permission. And then I hung up, and sat down on the bathroom floor, and sobbed until I wanted to be sick, because I wasn't there.

My mother contacted me again roughly three hours later to tell me that Lilly had lost all kidney function; that the vet had recommended euthanasia, as the collapse had been so abrupt and so complete; and that she had given permission. A lot of people gave permission that day. I thanked her. How could I do anything else? She was there for my girl when I couldn't be. She made sure that Lilly didn't suffer more than she needed to. So I thanked her, and I sat in the back of Doc's car and cried all the way to San Diego.

I think I got through the convention mostly because it didn't seem real. Lilly couldn't be dead; she had been there when I left, and she would be there when I got home. But when I got home, Lilly wasn't there. Lilly is never going to be here again. She's never going to lick my elbows or share my ice cream or burrow under my blankets. She's not hiding, or sleeping in a sunbeam somewhere. She's gone, and I wasn't home when it happened, and the thought of her dying without me with her makes me want to crawl into bed and never get out again.

Lilly was a great cat. All she wanted was to hang out with me, and be held, and be loved. I loved her so much. I hate me in the past for all the times I didn't hold her when she asked, all the times I was too busy to cuddle with her until she was done. I miss her so bad. I am still reeling.

Alice and Thomas are well, if confused. They help to blunt the pain a little. Not enough, but a little.

I miss my girl.

joecoustic

August 2 2014, 11:53:54 UTC 2 years ago

New comment

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Deleted comment

_dante_sparda_

August 2 2014, 12:48:47 UTC 2 years ago

The survivor's guilt is a real bitch, I know. Oh, do I ever know. :(

All my love and tears, dearest Seanan.

gwyd

August 2 2014, 13:29:11 UTC 2 years ago

Fuck! I'm so sorry. It's been a rough year for cats. I miss my girl too and I can only imagine how much worse it would be to have no warning and be away from home.

phoenix_singing

August 2 2014, 13:45:21 UTC 2 years ago

I am so sorry for your loss. RIP, Lilly.

*hugs*

patoadam

August 2 2014, 15:08:09 UTC 2 years ago Edited: August 2 2014, 15:11:10 UTC

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

pensnest

August 2 2014, 15:09:37 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry. I had to have my cat put to sleep this year, and the house still has little cat-ghosts. You and your mother did the right thing for Lilly.

sillylilly_bird

August 2 2014, 15:14:12 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry. Sleep soft, sweet Lilly.

tanac

August 2 2014, 16:13:58 UTC 2 years ago

I lost my 13 year old cat Malia this year. She'd been on the downward slope for a while, and we had gone ahead and had dental surgery in the hope it would help, but it didn't and only made things worse.

I was able to be with her at the end- the vet came to our house, and I was right next to her, petting her, when she died. </p>

And later, beating myself up because it didn't occur to me to hold her in my lap once the pain meds had kicked in (she hadn't liked being picked up for years at that point due to arthritis pain, so we were well trained , but at the end I could have and it just didn't occur to me). And that I hadn't been able to find her favorite toy for her to play with, the one we hide because she gets so obsessive about it and we need a break now and then. ( I still haven't found it and I want to put it in her urn so badly). And I miss her every day, still, six months later.

Which is to say, that even had you been there , you'd still feel like you failed because of something, because the real failure is that she's just not there any more and nothing you did stopped that.

You have my good wishes and deepest sympathy and tears. I'm sorry she's gone, and that you no longer have her, and that you couldn't be there right at the end. But you were there the rest of the time, and you watched out for her and made sure she didn't have to suffer alone. Eventually that will be a comfort.

vesta_aurelia

August 2 2014, 16:20:08 UTC 2 years ago

I am sorry for your loss.

omnia_mutantur

August 2 2014, 16:38:55 UTC 2 years ago

All my sympathies for your loss.
.
This poem helped me, ymmv

http://lvk104.wordpress.com/2012/07/09/franz-wright-on-the-death-of-a-cat/

Bonnie Schoening

August 2 2014, 17:19:22 UTC 2 years ago

OMG I am so so sorry - not that it helps in any way , but I've dealt with this way too many times and it eases after a while, but it still pops up again later

alumiere

August 2 2014, 17:51:18 UTC 2 years ago

I'm sorry.

Tara Allred

August 2 2014, 18:13:41 UTC 2 years ago

I am so very very sorry for your loss.

August 2 2014, 18:18:56 UTC 2 years ago

To tfcocs, such a wonderful idea to write a eulogy/life story of your loved pets. I'm so glad it was so healing for you and I hope I remember to write one when my time comes to suffer through losses of loved ones (people and our beloved cat).

http://seanan-mcguire.livejournal.com/582456.html?thread=29013816#t29013816

kittycat22

August 2 2014, 18:27:34 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what more to say than that, but it's the truth.

$Stef: girl\\cat hair$

morningapproach

August 2 2014, 19:09:00 UTC 2 years ago

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you're going through. I love my two cats so much, and I take solace in knowing that past cats I've had are still alive and in happy homes. you have all of the hugs in the world.