What I am dealing with.: seanan

What I am dealing with.

First, and somewhat amusingly, given my last post, reply amnesty is on for this entry. I will not respond to comments. I may not even read them. I don't know yet. Please do not email me or message me privately about the contents of this entry. I really need some space.

Second, I said yesterday that I was dealing with some shit. Here is the shit.

On the morning of Wednesday, July 23rd, I was with Carrie and Doc in Southern California, having spent the night at Doc's place preparatory to heading for San Diego Comic Con around noon. I was reading comics in the front room when my phone rang. I said something foul about the phone ringing, because I did not want to get up. I got up. It was my mother, who was also my designated cat sitter.

Something was very, very wrong with Lilly.

She was having seizures, foaming at the mouth, hissing, and biting. There was blood. Mom, knowing that none of this could mean anything good, asked for my permission to take her to the vet. "She may not come home" was not said; it didn't need to be. I gave my permission. There was nothing else I could do. I was very far away, and I couldn't possibly get home in time, and Lilly deserved better than to suffer for the amount of time it would have taken for me to catch a plane. I gave my permission. And then I hung up, and sat down on the bathroom floor, and sobbed until I wanted to be sick, because I wasn't there.

My mother contacted me again roughly three hours later to tell me that Lilly had lost all kidney function; that the vet had recommended euthanasia, as the collapse had been so abrupt and so complete; and that she had given permission. A lot of people gave permission that day. I thanked her. How could I do anything else? She was there for my girl when I couldn't be. She made sure that Lilly didn't suffer more than she needed to. So I thanked her, and I sat in the back of Doc's car and cried all the way to San Diego.

I think I got through the convention mostly because it didn't seem real. Lilly couldn't be dead; she had been there when I left, and she would be there when I got home. But when I got home, Lilly wasn't there. Lilly is never going to be here again. She's never going to lick my elbows or share my ice cream or burrow under my blankets. She's not hiding, or sleeping in a sunbeam somewhere. She's gone, and I wasn't home when it happened, and the thought of her dying without me with her makes me want to crawl into bed and never get out again.

Lilly was a great cat. All she wanted was to hang out with me, and be held, and be loved. I loved her so much. I hate me in the past for all the times I didn't hold her when she asked, all the times I was too busy to cuddle with her until she was done. I miss her so bad. I am still reeling.

Alice and Thomas are well, if confused. They help to blunt the pain a little. Not enough, but a little.

I miss my girl.

merciful_soul

August 2 2014, 01:33:25 UTC 2 years ago Edited: August 2 2014, 01:46:04 UTC

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Love and thoughts and safe travels over the rainbow bridge to Lilly. Until you meet again someday she is safe and without pain. Breathe and remember her. She remembers you.

anne_d

August 2 2014, 01:37:59 UTC 2 years ago

Seanan, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Lilly knew you loved her, and you gave her a good life. If I was there, I'd offer you a hug if you wanted one.

nutmeg_44

August 2 2014, 01:55:54 UTC 2 years ago

I'm sorry for your loss.

wfw_sj

August 2 2014, 02:25:48 UTC 2 years ago

Hugs and love.

lazzchan

August 2 2014, 02:56:07 UTC 2 years ago

*hugs you* I am joining the crowd of hugging people for you for your loss. It's a terrible thing and I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling right now, because your kitty was yours and special. I can say that I have lost pets before and my heart breaks with each and every one. I am so, so sorry Seanan and I can't express myself enough to want to give you all the hugs in the world for this.

jmward14

August 2 2014, 03:10:59 UTC 2 years ago

Regardless of whether you read the comments or not, I wanted to say how sorry I am you lost Lilly so suddenly, at a time when you could not be with her. I also wanted to send comforting thoughts and much love your way. Hey, I'm a writer. I may think something, but it's not out in the universe until I write it. Now the thoughts are out there. May they join with all the others to help, if only a little bit.

pirate_nami

August 2 2014, 03:31:28 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss.

dewline

August 2 2014, 03:35:06 UTC 2 years ago

Aw no...

ravenclawed

August 2 2014, 03:57:57 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry.

We adopted KiDee Katt when he was around seven and he was often moody but when he was in a good mood, he was the best of all cats. He went downhill fast over one weekend when he was around thirteen. His kidneys just shut down. When we brought him to the vet, she told us he also had cancer. Right after he was euthanized, I was smiling through my tears as I pet him one last time and realized he was still shedding (his favorite hobby). I regretted all the times I didn't let him sleep in my bed, etc, but I loved him and he knew it, just as I'm sure Lilly knew that you loved her.

thebluerose

August 2 2014, 04:08:11 UTC 2 years ago

Crying as I write this, so very sad for your loss and that you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Lilly.

brightlotusmoon

August 2 2014, 04:32:10 UTC 2 years ago

Oh, sweet sweet kitty.
Anything and everything you feel is okay to feel.
I sorrow for you.

anna_en_route

August 2 2014, 04:32:56 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss, there's nothing that makes it OK but I'm sorry anyway.

beccastareyes

August 2 2014, 04:35:20 UTC 2 years ago

My deepest condolences. I don't really have words to express this, and I understand why you took so long to write something out. Because words are hard.

I'm glad you have Alice and Thomas there with you.

pameladean

August 2 2014, 04:39:20 UTC 2 years ago

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. It's very hard not to second-guess oneself. But she knew you loved her.

P.

Bill Silvia

August 2 2014, 05:04:59 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry. A terrible thing coupled with not be able to be there for the terrible thing to happen. Somehow, our brains decide that missing terrible things is more terrible than actually witnessing them.

I am glad that the others are okay.

dharawal

August 2 2014, 05:05:25 UTC 2 years ago

sending all love to you and Alice and Thomas, when my darling Nyxie died it took the other three ages to really come to terms with it, her sister Callista still misses her I think, she's gotten very clingy since.

seticat

August 2 2014, 05:55:38 UTC 2 years ago

{Hugs with sorrow}

Deleted comment

martianmooncrab

August 2 2014, 06:25:08 UTC 2 years ago

sorry for your loss, no words can describe it, but, your girl had a good life with you.

ladymondegreen

August 2 2014, 06:37:18 UTC 2 years ago

I have been of two minds about whether to share my memories of Lillers, or whether it would be too painful for all of us. I do have some beautiful pictures of her when you are ready (in a few years).

I love you, always.

universal_gm

August 2 2014, 06:59:06 UTC 2 years ago Edited: August 2 2014, 07:01:23 UTC

~hugs~

It's always so much worse when they die suddenly, whether you're there or not. I lost a cat in May that's health had declined enough that my spouse and I, it turned out, were both starting to consider asking the other one if it was time to have her put down; I'm pretty much over it already. I lost a cat two years ago due to a stroke, and I almost cried today when I saw a picture of a cat that looked a bit like him.

starmalachite

August 2 2014, 07:24:16 UTC 2 years ago

I’m so very sorry. I've been where you are now before, & will be again.

And oh, do I know about the guilt. I had to leave my sweet Kami behind when he had pneumonia, knowing he probably wasn't going to make it, to keep an obligation to a friend. When S called to let me know he was gone, I startled the woman next to me on the train by bursting into tears (and then used the whole pack of tissues she handed me, bless her).

Hard as losing them always is, they bring so much joy and richness to our lives. May those memories of Lilly be the ones you keep.

azurelunatic

August 2 2014, 07:41:48 UTC 2 years ago

She sounded like such an amazing cat.

dragonsally

August 2 2014, 08:15:08 UTC 2 years ago

Even if you don't read this comment, I wanted send you so much love and support because I know well the pain of losing a cat you love so much. xx

pujaemuss

August 2 2014, 08:44:09 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry. I lost a dog a few years back when she went with my mum to the vet for a routine appointment when I was at work and she had to be put down as her situation was so much worse than she'd let on. I came home to find out that she hadn't and I didn't even get to say goodbye.

You have all my sympathies and I hope it starts to get better soon.

PJW

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