Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: crushed
  • Music: The Flash Girls, "Me and Dorothy Parker."

What I am dealing with.

First, and somewhat amusingly, given my last post, reply amnesty is on for this entry. I will not respond to comments. I may not even read them. I don't know yet. Please do not email me or message me privately about the contents of this entry. I really need some space.

Second, I said yesterday that I was dealing with some shit. Here is the shit.

On the morning of Wednesday, July 23rd, I was with Carrie and Doc in Southern California, having spent the night at Doc's place preparatory to heading for San Diego Comic Con around noon. I was reading comics in the front room when my phone rang. I said something foul about the phone ringing, because I did not want to get up. I got up. It was my mother, who was also my designated cat sitter.

Something was very, very wrong with Lilly.

She was having seizures, foaming at the mouth, hissing, and biting. There was blood. Mom, knowing that none of this could mean anything good, asked for my permission to take her to the vet. "She may not come home" was not said; it didn't need to be. I gave my permission. There was nothing else I could do. I was very far away, and I couldn't possibly get home in time, and Lilly deserved better than to suffer for the amount of time it would have taken for me to catch a plane. I gave my permission. And then I hung up, and sat down on the bathroom floor, and sobbed until I wanted to be sick, because I wasn't there.

My mother contacted me again roughly three hours later to tell me that Lilly had lost all kidney function; that the vet had recommended euthanasia, as the collapse had been so abrupt and so complete; and that she had given permission. A lot of people gave permission that day. I thanked her. How could I do anything else? She was there for my girl when I couldn't be. She made sure that Lilly didn't suffer more than she needed to. So I thanked her, and I sat in the back of Doc's car and cried all the way to San Diego.

I think I got through the convention mostly because it didn't seem real. Lilly couldn't be dead; she had been there when I left, and she would be there when I got home. But when I got home, Lilly wasn't there. Lilly is never going to be here again. She's never going to lick my elbows or share my ice cream or burrow under my blankets. She's not hiding, or sleeping in a sunbeam somewhere. She's gone, and I wasn't home when it happened, and the thought of her dying without me with her makes me want to crawl into bed and never get out again.

Lilly was a great cat. All she wanted was to hang out with me, and be held, and be loved. I loved her so much. I hate me in the past for all the times I didn't hold her when she asked, all the times I was too busy to cuddle with her until she was done. I miss her so bad. I am still reeling.

Alice and Thomas are well, if confused. They help to blunt the pain a little. Not enough, but a little.

I miss my girl.
Tags: cats, depression, lilly
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droewyn

August 1 2014, 23:09:15 UTC 2 years ago

I am so, so sorry. :(

sheistheweather

August 1 2014, 23:21:51 UTC 2 years ago

It's okay not to be okay and to need space.

I sorrow for your loss

catnip13

August 1 2014, 23:29:57 UTC 2 years ago

When we lost Chey last fall, Kaia was both unwilling to be present when he was euthanized and unwilling to stay with anyone but me, so David and Mom took him in. It broke my heart, but the kid had to trump. She loved that cat, and was inconsolable for weeks. He bit me, hard enough to leave a scar, when I put him in the carrier. We, at least, had known the end was near for months.
I'm so very, very, very sorry.

ladybird97

August 1 2014, 23:30:56 UTC 2 years ago

*hug* I'm so sorry :( It's a terrible terrible loss.

tuftears

August 1 2014, 23:32:13 UTC 2 years ago

*hug* :(

khemlab

August 1 2014, 23:32:29 UTC 2 years ago

Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

gwynnega

August 1 2014, 23:33:39 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry.

sihaya09

August 1 2014, 23:33:43 UTC 2 years ago

Much comfort your way in this difficult time.

Pamela Adams

August 1 2014, 23:42:07 UTC 2 years ago

Double hugs- I am sorry for your loss.

queenoftheskies

August 1 2014, 23:44:24 UTC 2 years ago

I'm so sorry. ::HUGS::

alicetheowl

August 1 2014, 23:52:57 UTC 2 years ago

I am so sorry.

When I had to make the decision about Hercules a couple of months ago, I remember wishing I didn't have to make it alone. He still had some kidney functioning left, but he'd been hiding in the bed, and he'd lost bowel control and stopped eating. I pictured coming home to find he was gone, and I realized I wouldn't be able to handle that. I felt like the most selfish human, ever.

Since then, I've comforted myself with the notion of how badly he must've been suffering, how the short time he had left wouldn't have been worth it, how upsetting his decline would've been for Tybalt. I still can't shake that feeling I should've done things differently. I should've noticed when his health first started to decline. I should've been there when he slipped away. I should've brought him home for one last night at home, so I could've properly said goodbye.

Most of those possibilities make my heart hurt and my head ache with tears I won't cry because I'm afraid I'll never stop.

I can't imagine how much worse I'd be if I hadn't even been the one to take him to the vet.

handspinner

August 1 2014, 23:53:01 UTC 2 years ago

Condolences. Loosing a pet is like loosing a bit of your heart.

katyakoshka

August 1 2014, 23:56:11 UTC 2 years ago

I am so sorry for your loss.

vulpine137

August 1 2014, 23:59:34 UTC 2 years ago

She was a wonderful kitty and will be missed.

acelightning

August 2 2014, 00:06:50 UTC 2 years ago

I grieve with thee...

(And as long as she is remembered with love, she is not really gone...)

kyrielle

August 2 2014, 00:07:22 UTC 2 years ago

I am so very sorry.

tfcocs

August 2 2014, 00:19:36 UTC 2 years ago Edited:  August 2 2014, 00:20:40 UTC

Please accept my condolences. FWIW, when I lost my furbaby Felix in February 2007, I wrote a eulogy here. His furbrother Oscar (see icon) passed less than a week later, and I wrote his story, too. Writing about their wonderful lives saved my heart, and allowed me to love again.

stagemanager

August 2 2014, 00:21:25 UTC 2 years ago

You may not see this, but know that I am so very sorry for your loss.

teddyradiator

August 2 2014, 00:25:57 UTC 2 years ago

I am so sorry for your loss. But you gave her a wonderful life, and she knew she was loved.

Deleted comment

the_gneech

August 2 2014, 00:32:38 UTC 2 years ago

I know this must be very hard for you. As a fellow cat person, my deepest sympathies.

-TG

itew

August 2 2014, 00:34:51 UTC 2 years ago

I am so sorry.

coyotegoth

August 2 2014, 00:40:19 UTC 2 years ago

*hug*

sbisson

August 2 2014, 00:53:19 UTC 2 years ago

Much sympathy. Losing a beloved cat while away from home is such a terrible feeling. We lost Pebble in January while in the US, and while there was nothing we could have done, it still hurts, even now. Take care of yourself and Alice and Thomas.

melchar

August 2 2014, 00:57:16 UTC 2 years ago

You have my sympathies and hugs. You are right to be devastated. There will be grief, but please don't feel guilt. You couldn't be there, but Lilly was not alone. Also know that we love you.
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