Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: depressed
  • Music: Hannah reading Sailor Moon fairy tales.

Dealing with some shit: a plea.

I am dealing with some shit right now. Some of you probably already know about the shit; others may be hearing that shit has happened for the first time. I will talk about the shit more, here, soon. It's just that LJ is an innately long-form medium, which means I've been putting off bringing the shit here until I can think about it reasonably. Know that I am coping, I am not alone, and I will explain myself better before much longer. But that is not what this post is about.

Because I have been very busy recently, and because I am known to be dealing with shit, I'm getting more and more "do not reply to this" messages, and "no answer needed" emails. And this is...this is not good. This is incredibly stressful and upsetting and has started sending me into panic spirals when I go to answer my email.

Look: no one can say "reply amnesty" except for me. If I say it, I am telling my brain "okay, you can rest." If you say it, to me, what you're telling my brain is a lovely combination of "I do not want you" and "I do not think you can handle your own responsibilities." This is because my brain is a jerk sometimes, and does not want me to be happy. This is an outgrowth of my OCD. I generally handle it pretty well, but right now, I'm getting a lot of "please do not reply" messages from people expressing sympathy or solidarity, and it's doing horrible things to my mental health.

I am not a fast correspondent. I do not answer everything instantly. I am not capable of keeping up with everything, all the time. But I do my best. I try to endure. Please don't tell me to stop talking to you.

My heart can't take it.
Tags: depression, from mars, shameless plea
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  • 96 comments

archangelwells

July 31 2014, 23:08:18 UTC 2 years ago

Brains are weird. I am sorry things are not well for you, how they are better soon. I express curiosity that "no reply needed" says "do not talk to me", but I accept that is how your brain works.

~offers hugs, if hugs from near stranger are wanted/helpful/ok~

seanan_mcguire

November 13 2014, 16:55:50 UTC 2 years ago

If you say "you do not have the judgment to decide whether or not you need to answer this," what I hear is "I do not want you to answer this, because I do not actually want to have a dialog with you."

archangelwells

November 13 2014, 17:14:43 UTC 2 years ago

~nods~ That is a reasonable way of interpreting it. How I have personally in the past used "no reply needed" is not to say "you do not have the judgment to decide whether or not you need to answer this", but rather to say "I am respecting that you are busy, and know that sometimes you feel the need to reply to everything because sometimes you just do, and thus am letting you know that you do not need to feel that way about this comment. You are welcome to reply if you want to,and I welcome conversation if you choose to, but I do not want you to feel obligated to do so." It's not about your judgment, so much as feeling of obligation, and that stems from my own "I must reply to everything, even if I really think I shouldn't" issues.

It is useful to know how you interpret that statement, and to know that it is different than how I use it. Thank you for explaining.