Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: sad
  • Music: Halestorm, "Freak Like Me."

So very tired of the uphill battle.

I spent much of the weekend looking in horror at the news, and at Twitter, and at everything else. A man murdered seven people and injured thirteen others before killing himself, explicitly because he couldn't get women to have sex with him. That's horrifying. That's upsetting and disgusting and wrong.

And then the people started saying "we'll never know why he did it," and I sort of lost my shit and had to go away for a few days.

He actually SAYS, IN SO MANY WORDS, that this is because he hates women. Because women will not give him the sex he so clearly deserves. Because "inferior men" are getting the women he should have. Because women have too much control (IE, the ability to say "no, I do not want to have sex with you"), and so the appropriate response is killing them to death.

But we'll never know why he did it.

A lot of people have said very good, sensible, logical things. Things that point out the power imbalance and the assumptions based on his apparent whiteness (he was half-Malaysian and half-Caucasian) and the fact that if someone shoots basically any other group of people on the planet, we're damn fast to accept that they did it because of hatred, but that when a man shoots a bunch of women, we'll look for any excuse but misogyny. I have not been able to say anything good, or sensible, or logical. Maybe I'll be able to in a week or two. But right now...

Right now, I look at the mounting number of incidents where "she wouldn't have the sex with me" has been used as an excuse for murder, and I'm just tired. That's all. I'm tired of the entitlement, and I'm tired of the assumptions, and I'm tired of the "not ALL men" response whenever someone says "misogyny kills."

I'm tired. No cookies today.
Tags: cranky blonde is cranky, depression, state of the blonde
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archangelwells

May 29 2014, 15:53:25 UTC 3 years ago

~offers a drink~ So many of us are. Please continue to take care of yourself, and to step back when you need to?

seanan_mcguire

May 29 2014, 15:53:58 UTC 3 years ago

Yay, booze.

anne_d

May 29 2014, 15:57:51 UTC 3 years ago

All I can say is, yes exactly, and offer hugs and cat purrs and headbumps.

seanan_mcguire

May 29 2014, 16:23:52 UTC 3 years ago

Cats make everything better.

pixel39

3 years ago

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etcet

May 29 2014, 15:59:54 UTC 3 years ago Edited:  May 29 2014, 16:01:33 UTC

I'm sorry so many men suck. I'm trying to suck less, and make those I come into contact with suck less. We need all the support and allies we can get, and I think that, unfortunately, a high-profile tragedy like this is what has finally torn the blinders off of too many people who'd been assiduously holding them in place, because it was easier that way.

It's slow. It's not without missteps. But I'm starting to see signs of progress - people (of both genders) I would have to shake my head and walk away with a disgusted, "Really?" a year ago when we'd butt heads over feminist ideas/assertions of toxic masculine cultural conditions/etc were incensed over what happened last week.

I have to remain hopeful for the future (and that others do, too). The trajectory from the past is, I hope, going in the right direction, but I agree, that we're not yet out of these woods. *sigh*

seanan_mcguire

May 29 2014, 16:24:40 UTC 3 years ago

That's sort of where I am too: this is a tragedy and a terror, but he SAID IT IN SO MANY WORDS, and that's making it difficult for all but the most entrenched to pretend this isn't happening.

It's just that there are still so many of them, and I'm so tired.

I don't think you suck.

etcet

3 years ago

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Lost_Violet

May 29 2014, 16:05:57 UTC 3 years ago

Here is ruby port and all the seasons and the movie of Veronica Mars. I'm doing the same with Whaler's Vanille and Pepsi Throwback and 6 & change seasons of Gilmore Girls, because reasons.

I hoped for so much better by now.

seanan_mcguire

May 29 2014, 16:24:54 UTC 3 years ago

YES PORT GOOD.

<3 <3 <3

droewyn

3 years ago

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acelightning

May 29 2014, 16:20:16 UTC 3 years ago

I wanted to say something comforting, but I can't think of anything; I've been female for 66 years, and I still don't know why too many men think that way, or how to change it. Come over to my place; I'll make some popcorn, and heavy-handed drinks, and we can watch Thelma and Louise on DVD.

seanan_mcguire

May 29 2014, 16:25:09 UTC 3 years ago

I like all the booze that's happening here, I really do.

acelightning

3 years ago

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archangelwells

3 years ago

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pixel39

3 years ago

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slothman

3 years ago

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rhoda_rants

May 29 2014, 16:31:15 UTC 3 years ago

Zombie Cake? Multiple options, looks like.

We are all tired. The "not ALL men" thing reeks of "Meeee, Meeeee, look at MEEEEEE" and more insidiously "I'm a nice guy, you should have the sex with MEEEE."

To which the response has been a completely reasonable, "Fuck OFF this isn't about YOU." Because seriously. We KNOW that. Good men exist. This is not news. We are talking about the ones who perpetuate this sort of shit. There's no need to remind us that not all men kill women. WE KNOW. The issue is that men still need a reminder that ALL women experience some form of misogyny. All of them.

ankewehner

May 29 2014, 16:35:26 UTC 3 years ago

I really liked one rebuttal for the "Not all men" kind of reasoning. I wish I knew who posted it first.

"Imagine a bowl of M&Ms. 10% of them are poisoned. Go ahead, eat a handful. Not all of them are poisoned."

pbrim

3 years ago

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ankewehner

3 years ago

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rhoda_rants

3 years ago

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ldyerzsie

3 years ago

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Deleted comment

More Expand

seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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gothrockrulz

3 years ago

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rhoda_rants

3 years ago

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catsittingstill

May 29 2014, 17:07:01 UTC 3 years ago

*hugs*

I'm pissed off too.

I've got some chocolate, if you want, and I found a couple of really great stories--The Litany of Earth and Paper Menagerie that don't seem to me to have anything to do with this but were cracking good stories to distract myself with last night.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 16:37:32 UTC 3 years ago

Oh, those are lovely.

gothrockrulz

May 29 2014, 17:32:38 UTC 3 years ago

*offers digital cookies*

It's very, very depressing. The man was a monster, plain and simple. It pains me that people would rather focus on anything but empathizing with the victims who didn't deserve that hatred, violence., or death.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 16:37:43 UTC 3 years ago

Yes.

fullcontactmuse

May 29 2014, 17:50:37 UTC 3 years ago

Self care is important. *hugs*

In the mean time, I'm experimenting with making Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie infused vodkas. Cookies and booze. What could be be better? I expect this first batch to suck but I'm happy to share on the later batches.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 16:37:57 UTC 3 years ago

...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

fullcontactmuse

3 years ago

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caoilfhionn

May 29 2014, 17:53:12 UTC 3 years ago

So very with you. I was trying to explain it to my (generally clueful) guy, and he just doesn't grok. Doesn't understand what it's like when every media outlet and social media site is full of this one horrible thing that the world is trying to write off as just one disturbed person, and I follow a link to watch some happy people dancing and the links in the sidebars are 2/3 horrible incidents of violence against women that US media hasn't even mentioned. And I am editing a story that treats violence and control as sexy and desirable without really thinking it through, and it's squicking me out, especially now. So tired.

Rest is good. Defending space is good. I don't have cats of my own, but I think I'll borrow a couple this weekend. And there is chocolate beer and scotch that tastes like bog bodies. And I will make something lovely and put it into the world as some small counter to the exhaustion, I think.

Hang in there.

gehayi

May 29 2014, 21:05:23 UTC 3 years ago

And I am editing a story that treats violence and control as sexy and desirable without really thinking it through, and it's squicking me out, especially now.

So am I. I feel your pain. Mine was written by a woman; what about yours? (I'm begging her to correct this, as it sends a dangerous message, not to mention asking her to cut the unneeded gender roles stereotyping. Whether she will agree to change things is anyone's guess.)

caoilfhionn

3 years ago

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gehayi

3 years ago

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caoilfhionn

3 years ago

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universal_gm

3 years ago

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rhoda_rants

3 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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the_gneech

May 29 2014, 17:55:42 UTC 3 years ago

I wish I had something helpful; the best I've got is "Women deserve better than this." :(

-TG

dornbeast

May 29 2014, 18:44:18 UTC 3 years ago

Humans should be better than this.

I have many irrational beliefs - things I believe in in spite of a lack of evidence. The biggest one is, "Humans can be better than they are."

When things like this come along, it's like having my hope punched in the throat.

seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 16:39:22 UTC 3 years ago

Those are good coping mechanisms.

I have hugged my cats so much.

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 16:39:37 UTC 3 years ago

But that is helpful, honestly.

pixel39

May 29 2014, 18:55:35 UTC 3 years ago

It makes me tired, too. I recommend good Scotch. Or whatever else is your poison of choice. Because right now, acelightning has it dead to rights. As it were.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 16:39:51 UTC 3 years ago

Port!

elizalavelle

May 29 2014, 19:02:31 UTC 3 years ago

People get a mental block with a white male who kills and somehow want there to be a reason that they can rationalize into something that fits in their reality. If their reality is "white men are good but people who are different races can be bad" we get to hear their attempts to remove the evil from a very evil and very clearly thought out act. Even though he wasn't necessarily white he identified as such. Many people want the excuse to be mental health. The issue clearly was this man through being raised and through his own choices determined that women had no value other than as sex toys. And there's a far too large part of society who are willing to overlook it because they want it to be something more complex than that so that it fits into how they view the world.

I'm very sick of the "not all men" reply because even though it's not all that doesn't make any okay. If one man feels they can kill because they couldn't get a woman to do what they wanted that's too many.

In this case there's no argument to the contrary that can be made. He wrote 140 pages about how much he hated women because they would not have sex with him. It was stated over and over and over. He wasn't unclear he was hateful.



ckd

May 29 2014, 21:01:39 UTC 3 years ago

A guy gets a gun and shoots a bunch of people, after participating in online discussions about how people like him are oppressed by a particular category of person. People he'd known had expressed concerns ahead of the attack about him and his views, and afterwards people who share his views about the perceived oppression praise him for his actions.

The 2009 Fort Hood shooter, or the 2014 Isla Vista shooter? Or both? Some people call the first a terrorist and the second a "lone nut"; is it, perhaps, because they disagree with one and agree with the other?

dornbeast

3 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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sparrowpunk

May 29 2014, 19:27:12 UTC 3 years ago

Virtual sensible but tasty meal with cookies after, to mop up the theoretical alcohol :P

Seriously, hope you feel better soon, I haven't been paying that much attention to reactions because if I did I'd hide under my duvet and never ever come out...

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 18:20:37 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

catalana

May 29 2014, 19:48:51 UTC 3 years ago

I hear you. *offers hugs*

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 18:20:51 UTC 3 years ago

*hugs*

groblek

May 29 2014, 20:05:28 UTC 3 years ago

*offers virtual hugs and booze* Yeah. I think part of why I've been glued to the Reading Rainbow kickstarter page since yesterday is that right now, I really need a reminder that there are good humans out here too, since the other news is so very Aargh.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 18:21:07 UTC 3 years ago

Reading Rainbow makes all things better.

sylviamcivers

May 29 2014, 20:26:29 UTC 3 years ago

There's never enough booze, but here's some chocolate to go with it.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 18:21:16 UTC 3 years ago

Yay!

jenfullmoon

May 29 2014, 21:07:53 UTC 3 years ago

I hear ya. I'm restraining myself from super ranting across the Internet because I'd probably get killed for it.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 18:21:26 UTC 3 years ago

I get that.

The Screwfly Solution

admnaismith

May 29 2014, 21:09:06 UTC 3 years ago

It's worse than that.

They're online validating each other and admiring the shooter for having done what they just think about doing. There's going to be more of this. The government and the corporations and their lickspittles in big media are actively understating the problem. Just like with Kellis-Amberlee. Just like the Screwfly Solution. People who should know better are sticking their heads in the sand.

I fully expect an even more vicious outbreak of public misogyny during the next Clinton Administration, at the loud and obnoxious fringe-right media seizes upon Clinton's gender as a convenient excuse to get their low-functioning base to hate her.

http://jezebel.com/lessons-from-a-day-spent-with-the-ucsb-shooters-awful-f-1582884301?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

I don't know what we're going to do about it, but I know whose side I'm on. I know wicked girls don't need saving, but I'll be defending them against Teh Haters anyhow, just in case you could use a little backup.

droewyn

May 29 2014, 22:22:05 UTC 3 years ago

There's going to be more of this.

Yeah; the point where I completely lost it was curled up in bed in the middle of the night and suddenly wondering when the copycats would start.

seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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droewyn

May 29 2014, 22:14:09 UTC 3 years ago

I've spent most of the last week in a perpetual state of incandescent rage, alternating between obsessively reading all the articles, all the analysis (but not watching the killer's videos because I just literally can't even) and mainlining kitten pictures.

I'd scream until I didn't have a voice left, except it looks like that wouldn't accomplish anything other than to make a bunch of dudes relieved when I finally shut up.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 23:53:33 UTC 3 years ago

Breathe. It's good for you.

melchar

May 29 2014, 22:35:54 UTC 3 years ago

*offers cookies, chocolate and hot cocoa*

I am a news-junkie, but these last few days has me turning off the news [*gasp*] and listening to lots of CDs, instead. Your voice sings some of those songs and makes me happy.

If I could make you happy in any way, I would. *Hugs*

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 23:53:45 UTC 3 years ago

I am glad to have made you happy.

tylik

May 29 2014, 23:53:40 UTC 3 years ago

I caught some kind of virus and slept away much of Monday. I'm not sure if this was protective, or if it just meant I spent more total time, when I was awake, tired and woozy on the internet.

On the bright side, some of the discussions have been good. @miniver's FB tends to collect them, I notice. I am so glad that I know a lot of men who get it. And I am also glad that the men directly in my life (as opposed to random people on the internet) who don't get it didn't decide that they needed to tell me about How It Really Is.

I remind myself that overall incidents of shootings are down. I remind myself that as uncomfortable as a lot of these conversations are* that the overall cultural conversation about these things is happening - and there's a backlash, but damn it, I have to believe it's a fighting retreat.

Spending five hours at the coofeehouse with my newest research student helped.** Partly because OMG I needed out of the house, and partly because he's a great kid, and I get to be the crusty old geek who's been on the net since 1978, and a big part of his introduction to programming and computational biology.

* And, um, I ended up burning a lot of mod points on slashdot which is a pretty major hot spot of whiny male geek entitlement.
** Y'know that study about professors preferentially responding to inquiries from white males? So I'm not a professor (yet, maybe) but so far my research students have been about 80% female and 20% Caucasian. (And that's counting one of my anatomy students, who I'm really trying to set up as the minion of one of my lab mates, as his work is a better fit. I'll be teaching him Python, though.)

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 23:54:27 UTC 3 years ago

Things are getting better. It's just that when they're bad, they're so bad.

cereta

May 30 2014, 04:19:03 UTC 3 years ago

I actually made it through the whole day without yelling, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" at my screen. Sadly, I suspect it has more to do with laryngitis than restraint. I am just worn out.

That said, if it helps your day, my 7-year-old (who is sometimes the only reason I don't just give up) identified "Counting Crows" as one of her favorite songs in the car this morning.

seanan_mcguire

June 24 2014, 23:54:42 UTC 3 years ago

I am very proud of you.

And yay, seven-year-old!
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