Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: distressed
  • Music: The Barr Brothers, "Beggar in the Morning."

There are lines. Please stop crossing them.

When I posted about depression, I said that I was giving myself comment amnesty; I said that I might not (probably would not) read the comments.

Since then, people have contacted me via email (when they had it), via my old email (which I rarely check), via my contact form, via Facebook, and via my Tumblr, to give me their phone numbers, to tell me not to hurt myself (which I did not threaten to do), to provide crisis hotlines, to make suggestions about medication (which I did not solicit), and in one case, to threaten to report me to the police as a suicide risk if I did not update my blog immediately to show that I was still alive.

Please. Stop. "Comment amnesty" did not mean "work harder to make sure that your words, your well wishes, your specific need to engage with my depression will be heard." I try to keep open dialogs on this blog, and I usually appreciate communication, but right now, this contact is intrusive, and upsetting, and seems to prioritize the needs of the contacting person above mine. Please. Stop.

This is why I do not talk when I am sad.
Tags: depression, shameless plea
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  • 222 comments

effervescent

January 12 2014, 21:07:07 UTC 3 years ago

Holy shit. I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with people being so intrusive and obnoxious like that.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:10:00 UTC 3 years ago

I completely understand that this is coming from a place of "I want to help." I've experienced the same reaction from friends and family members at other points in my life. And that is when I, and other sad people, sometimes stop opening up. Because it feels less like support, and more like "STOP INCONVENIENCING ME WITH YOUR DEPRESSION."

effervescent

January 12 2014, 21:30:37 UTC 3 years ago

Yeah, and it was way over the line :/ Personal boundaries are still important even when someone opens up like this.

Here, have some gorgeous Frozen fanart you might enjoy. :)

kaberett

January 12 2014, 21:33:22 UTC 3 years ago

Hah. Yes. And dear sweet Ike, I am so sorry, and I hope (slightly forlornly) that this post does what you need it to (and I'm sorry you needed it to at all).

nyxalinth

January 12 2014, 22:47:57 UTC 3 years ago

I know the feeling. The whole "Oh, god, stop being sad and be fun again already!" thing.

geekhyena

January 12 2014, 23:55:18 UTC 3 years ago

It's actually got a lot of similar roots as ableism, really. "Can't you stop being autistic?"/ "OMG STOP INCONVENIENCING US WITH YOUR PTSD"/"Why can't you just get over it?" It's depressing. (and if you have stuff that ties into each other, like how my depression/anxiety/PTSD get in vicious cycles a lot, it makes it even worse...and people wonder wtf is wrong with you because well, they've had bad stuff happen and got over it, why can't you? Because as if just by existing you're bursting their little 'everything is perfect' bubble)

marycatelli

January 12 2014, 22:55:54 UTC 3 years ago

Well, sometimes it feels like "WE WANT TO EXPLOIT YOU TO MAKE OURSELVES FEEL GOOD ABOUT WHAT WONDERFUL PEOPLE WE ARE."

silvertwi

January 13 2014, 02:50:43 UTC 3 years ago

I think I know how you feel, as much as one person can understand another. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to convince most people that "I posted about it because it's going on and I want to tell someone" does not mean "give me all the unsolicited advice!" or "I broke a limb this one time..." Yes, because constant, chronic pain going on years is the exact same fucking thing as a broken bone that heals after a while. False equivalence. People do the same thing when I bring up depression or anxiety or PTSD. It's like, "Stop being broken because it makes me feel bad and I don't like feeling bad so I'm going to try to help, only to make things worse..."

I'm sorry you're dealing with that on a massive scale, Seanan. I hear you.

peneli

January 30 2014, 23:37:44 UTC 3 years ago

Ugh, that thing.

"Have you tried x?" is not actually helpful when I tell you about the chronic illness that I have had for the past 28 years. I probably know more about x than you, and my disease than you, and just ... shut up already.

I never realized the equivalence between that and people being intrusively helpful in situations like Seanan's. I mean, it seems obvious now, but my brain never connected them before. Thanks for helping me understand.

peneli

January 30 2014, 23:50:45 UTC 3 years ago

Ugh, that thing.

"Have you tried x?" is not actually helpful when I tell you about the chronic illness that I have had for the past 28 years. I probably know more about x than you, and my disease than you, and just ... shut up already.

I never realized the equivalence between that and people being intrusively helpful in situations like Seanan's. I mean, it seems obvious now, but my brain never connected them before. Thanks for helping me understand.

elialshadowpine

January 13 2014, 06:25:05 UTC 3 years ago Edited:  January 13 2014, 06:29:26 UTC

That last line, yes. It is why I don't talk about feeling suicidal on Facebook, and one of many reasons my LJ is locked down and filtered to people I trust won't do that BS... I have dealt with, not as extreme as "I will call the police if you don't check in" but similar ableist bullshit. (I can go into why I consider it ableist, if you want, but I don't want to derail.) Edit: Upon further consideration, I actually think I want to write a public post about this (mental illness & well-meaning ableism) ... do you mind if I reference your posts here?

I would also suggest there is some amount of sexism involved, because I have male friends who have talked about their depression, who have large reader bases, who may have also received unsolicited medical advice -- but -- nowhere was ever threats. Telling you they will report you to the police if you don't update your blog regularly is a threat, and one that I have never seen directed at a man -- but I have known other women who have received similar threats.

alicephilippa

January 14 2014, 14:55:27 UTC 3 years ago

Too many don't get that the right response when they feel 'I have to help' is actually to STFU and listen. Or yanno ask if help is wanted and take no or a non-response as an answer.

No one, not you, not me, not any one, needs interference and threats of the authorities.