Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: distressed
  • Music: The Barr Brothers, "Beggar in the Morning."

There are lines. Please stop crossing them.

When I posted about depression, I said that I was giving myself comment amnesty; I said that I might not (probably would not) read the comments.

Since then, people have contacted me via email (when they had it), via my old email (which I rarely check), via my contact form, via Facebook, and via my Tumblr, to give me their phone numbers, to tell me not to hurt myself (which I did not threaten to do), to provide crisis hotlines, to make suggestions about medication (which I did not solicit), and in one case, to threaten to report me to the police as a suicide risk if I did not update my blog immediately to show that I was still alive.

Please. Stop. "Comment amnesty" did not mean "work harder to make sure that your words, your well wishes, your specific need to engage with my depression will be heard." I try to keep open dialogs on this blog, and I usually appreciate communication, but right now, this contact is intrusive, and upsetting, and seems to prioritize the needs of the contacting person above mine. Please. Stop.

This is why I do not talk when I am sad.
Tags: depression, shameless plea
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effervescent

January 12 2014, 21:07:07 UTC 3 years ago

Holy shit. I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with people being so intrusive and obnoxious like that.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:10:00 UTC 3 years ago

I completely understand that this is coming from a place of "I want to help." I've experienced the same reaction from friends and family members at other points in my life. And that is when I, and other sad people, sometimes stop opening up. Because it feels less like support, and more like "STOP INCONVENIENCING ME WITH YOUR DEPRESSION."

effervescent

3 years ago

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kaberett

3 years ago

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apocalypticbob

January 12 2014, 21:07:57 UTC 3 years ago

Wow. Not cool. Had you given any indication that you were currently entertaining thoughts of self harm or suicide, yeah, I could understand, but you didn't.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:10:12 UTC 3 years ago

No, I didn't.

apocalypticbob

3 years ago

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naamah_darling

3 years ago

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gammelor

January 12 2014, 21:08:50 UTC 3 years ago

I am so sorry people have been ignoring your expressed wishes. I shall send my colony of Aeslin mice after them. Especially since without you, I wouldn't have been acquired by said colony.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:10:24 UTC 3 years ago

Excellent plan. A+

martianmooncrab

January 12 2014, 21:16:11 UTC 3 years ago

everyone gets depressed .. you have the honesty about yours that you have shared. A lot of folks wouldnt do that, mostly because of the responses you are talking about. Not everyone goes through life on an even keel, there are extreme highs and lows throughout a life. You cant have one without the other. We all have bad days, its a fact. We have days where its difficult to get out of bed, to function "normally", to be polite to people who should have their heads ripped off their bodies and used to play basketball with. But, its up to us to deal with it. Yes, we can be good friends to someone going through depression, but, there are boundaries. Not everything should be an intervention.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:19:02 UTC 3 years ago

If I need an intervention, I have absolute faith that Vixy, and Amy, and Kate, and others will make sure it happens.

lash_larue

3 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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lash_larue

3 years ago

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spectralbovine

3 years ago

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katyakoshka

January 12 2014, 21:19:10 UTC 3 years ago

Wow, harassment much? The threat to report you might warrant reporting itself--or at least keeping in a file with a watch out for any future contact from that narcissistic White Knight wannabe (those people are the worst, from what I can tell, hell-bent on "saving" people so they can glory in their own endless generosity of spirit, trampling anyone who isn't a grateful enough "rescue" victim).

No good deed goes unpunished. :(

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:21:32 UTC 3 years ago

I get that almost all of these were probably well-meaning (the threat to report did not feel that way), but yeah. This is why people don't talk honestly about these situations.

katyakoshka

3 years ago

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hsb

January 12 2014, 21:31:39 UTC 3 years ago

In case you ever see this. I'm sorry people did that.

H

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:40:03 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

azurelunatic

January 12 2014, 21:34:31 UTC 3 years ago

aslkjfdalksjdfklasjdf

I remain happy to loan you mom my maglite, watch her purse, and swear she was with me the whole time.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 21:40:13 UTC 3 years ago

...I love you.

kittycat22

January 12 2014, 21:43:20 UTC 3 years ago

Just because you're a semi-public figure who has chosen to share openly with her audience does not give anyone any right to be so invasive and intrusive and disrespect your express wishes. I'm hate that you had that experience, and hope people respect your boundaries now.

You do so much with your words. I'd hate for the incredible boundary violations to create fear for you to continue to use your words so incredibly well and strongly.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:09:30 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

evieeros

3 years ago

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sarahfish

January 12 2014, 21:48:23 UTC 3 years ago

Wow, sounds like a lot of people totally misinterpreted your post. Way to alienate people, guys. :/ I'm sorry about the threat in particular... what a horrible invasion of privacy! And manipulative, to boot!

I hope this doesn't cause you to remain silent when you want to speak, especially on your own personal blog. To have that voice abused just really sucks.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:09:50 UTC 3 years ago

It does, but I am stubborn, and do not shut up easy.

beckyh2112

January 12 2014, 21:48:34 UTC 3 years ago

*hugs, if permitted* I am so sorry people have behaved that way.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:10:11 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

wombatoverlord

January 12 2014, 21:49:22 UTC 3 years ago

I'm firmly of the opinion that the various people who ignored your clearly expressed wishes (and on that note, HULK SCIENTIST SMASH; the researcher in me calls that a violation of declared intent, and I collect heads for lesser shit) need a certain amount of loving thrashing with the stick that says "It's Not About What You Want, It's What Seanan Wants That Matters Here", usually condensed to "It's Not About You". Your desires on this matter are what matters, and various people don't get that your desires are superordinate to theirs. Fuckers.

sarahfish

January 12 2014, 21:55:40 UTC 3 years ago

Well said, sir.

seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:10:50 UTC 3 years ago

<3

kyrielle

January 12 2014, 22:01:20 UTC 3 years ago

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Also, wtf. I mean, you were very clear that you had active coping strategies in place. And that you wanted to be able to read or not-read replies as you chose. Holy not honoring boundaries. :(

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:11:02 UTC 3 years ago

Seriously.

priscellie

January 12 2014, 22:04:57 UTC 3 years ago

Ugh, I'm so sorry people were so misguided and invasive. This is definitely one of those situations were good intentions are nowhere near good enough.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:11:11 UTC 3 years ago

Agree.

danaoshee

January 12 2014, 22:13:42 UTC 3 years ago

Yes, exactly, this is why I'm only now admitting how bad I was, now that I'm a year into meds that work and can finally honestly say that suicidal thoughts are gone for the first time in 16 years. I never wanted to even tell therapists how bad it was before because I was terrified someone would try to commit me.
"OH GOD LET'S TREAT THIS LIKE A CRISIS" is so very much not what people living with chronic conditions, of any sort, need.
especially, for fucks sake, when the post made is "I'm so much better now." WTF is wrong with people.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:11:26 UTC 3 years ago

I don't even know.

geekhyena

3 years ago

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juliansinger

January 12 2014, 22:15:59 UTC 3 years ago

Huh. I thought you were pretty clear about what your provisions in terms of deciding against permanent self-harm were. I've read "I'm going to go commit suicide now, bye!" posts, and that wasn't one of them.

I'm usually glad people at least mean well, but not in all circumstances.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:11:40 UTC 3 years ago

Yeah.

pernwebgoddess

January 12 2014, 22:35:37 UTC 3 years ago

As a fellow depression sufferer, I read your post for what it was; a "this is what's going in my head" sort of thing. Not a plea for help. I'll never understand those who demand their voice be heard in spite of requests to the contrary.

People are asshats. On the bright side... the vast majority of us didn't get weird on you, so that's something, right?

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:11:52 UTC 3 years ago

That is absolutely something.

lazzchan

January 12 2014, 22:45:14 UTC 3 years ago

I am so sorry that people did that to you. *hugs* I'll send my private army of evil animals after them, shall I?

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:12:01 UTC 3 years ago

Yes!

tylik

January 12 2014, 22:46:13 UTC 3 years ago

Yeesh. Typically, the stupid bugs me most (I'm not saying there aren't better reasons to be bugged, it's rather like when I'm less annoyed at students for cheating than for doing it so very incompetently). I suppose there is a macro-cultural bit biasing people towards freaking out about any reference to suicide, but... buh? (And even that assumes that there are micro-cultures where people make it through their teens without most of the people they know having thought about suicide at some time or another. Really, I don't know.)

I do not know why the image of throwing caramel popcorn balls (by implication, at people one likes) seems like an antidotal activity.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:12:22 UTC 3 years ago

It would help a lot. Come over, we'll make some.

tylik

3 years ago

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capplor

January 12 2014, 22:54:29 UTC 3 years ago

Just a stupid question: Is this blog meant to be read by friends or fans? I consider myself your friend (also fan, but mainly friend), but I know I"m not your "inner circle". I'm aware of them and trust that if you really needed help on that front, they would be better aware and more capable than I am of helping you. (But if you needed MY help, I'd give it).

I'm not surprised people who don't know you as well as I do are over-reacting. They may not know what good friends you have and fear that they COULD stop a suicide attempt and would feel responsible if they didn't. (Long distance, e-mail? I know MY writing chops aren't up to that.)

I didn't comment on the last post because "suicide" in my mind makes less sense than "emotion" to a Vulcan. Call me lucky; I'm not being smug; it just isn't there. I hope you keep the good friends and keep remembering what you mean to them/us.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:14:17 UTC 3 years ago

This is a fan blog, run for my fans. That is why I made the post. It is too often easy to say "I am the only one who feels this way," and for better or for worse, right now, my voice has reach. People who needed to see those words written down may grant them credence because they came from me.

That does not justify ignoring my clearly stated wishes. That does not justify ascribing motivations which I did not ascribe to myself. That does not justify willfully invading my privacy out of "worry." This is why it's important that people who will be heard speak up: because people react like this, which makes saying anything at all virtually impossible.

museclio

3 years ago

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gement

3 years ago

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anna_en_route

January 12 2014, 22:56:15 UTC 3 years ago

It sucks that people are doing this, I'm really sorry.

I really appreciate the way you talk about mental health, it's helped me put some of the ways my partner behaves and thinks into a new context and reframe some of the ways I behave in return, so thank you for that.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:14:28 UTC 3 years ago

You are so welcome.

libwitch

January 12 2014, 23:06:22 UTC 3 years ago

oh my gosh. I understand that folks might be coming from good intentions, but I read your blog post and thought what you were writing about and what you your intentions were very clear. Writing such a thoughtful and well-articulated post should not be the cause for stress of this sort for you.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:14:40 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

tfcocs

January 12 2014, 23:21:38 UTC 3 years ago

I had meant to comment on the original post about depression the other day. As a mental health professional, and as someone who has dealt with depression most of my life, I applaud you for telling the truth about this ailment.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:32:48 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you. That means a lot to me right now.

ironed_orchid

January 12 2014, 23:29:08 UTC 3 years ago

Wishing I could stand between you and some of these well meaning people while wielding a clue bat.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:33:02 UTC 3 years ago

I wish I could hide under your bed with all the cats.

clodia_risa

January 12 2014, 23:34:28 UTC 3 years ago

I am so sorry. I was so grateful that you posted that. It makes me feel better that I have periodic suicide ideations. And it made me feel better that someone I admire so much still deals with depression. I'm sorry that people are idiots, but I am truly grateful that you posted that.

seanan_mcguire

January 12 2014, 23:46:18 UTC 3 years ago

You are so very welcome.
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