Now we can cross the shifting sands.: seanan

Now we can cross the shifting sands.

(Note: The following post discusses depression and suicide, quite frankly. If you want to skip it, I will understand. Also, I am calling a preemptive comment amnesty, because I don't know that I can get through whatever comments may be left. Thank you.)

***

I have a pretty good life.

That's not bragging, really. I mean, my life has its problems—it's stressful, I'm tired a lot, I'm a woman in the age of the Internet (which is unfortunately code for "I get some really disturbing hate sent my way for the crime of being outspoken and visible while existing as a non-male"), my foot hurts almost all the time, I worry about my friends—but there's no measuring stick that doesn't put me at "pretty good." I am financially secure enough to do things like take off for Disneyland at a moment's notice, to hug a woman standing as avatar for my favorite cartoon character. I have amazing friends who love me despite myself, and I struggle every day to be worthy of them. I have incredible cats. I sleep in an orange bedroom packed with dolls and books and Disney memorabilia.

I get to write books. I get to tell stories, for a living, and have people read and enjoy them. It's everything I ever wanted my life to be...

...and I spent more than half of 2013 wanting my life to stop.

I have been suicidal, off and on, since I was nine years old. I made multiple suicide attempts when I was a pre-teen and teenager; some came closer to success than others. I have my scars. My last active attempt was made when I was in my mid-twenties, and the friend who drove me to the train station has never forgiven me for making him complicit, in any way, in the attempt to take my life. I do not blame him for this, even as I know that I didn't mean to involve him; I just needed to get to the beach, and thought "hey, I can get a ride," and never stopped to consider what that might mean when he'd found out what I'd done, or worse, if he'd found out that I had succeeded. I couldn't see that far ahead. All I could see was the need to stop, to be over, to not need to do this anymore. Any of it.

A very dear friend of mine described suicidal urges and ideations as a narrowing, and she's exactly right, at least for me. It's not selfishness, not at its heart, because when things get that bad, it's virtually impossible to see continuing as an option. It's like climbing a very high mountain, and then running out of trail. You can't fly. It's not selfish to refuse to sprout wings and try. It would be selfish to stay where you are, to block the trail, to prevent others from climbing on without you.

It seems so much easier to just jump, and get out of everybody's way. It seems like the only logical choice. Selfishness doesn't really enter into it. I sort of wish it did. It would be easier to argue with the little voices, or at least it seems like it would be easier; we're all trained from childhood not to be selfish, and that makes selfishness easier to refute than narrowness. "I won't be selfish" is an easier statement than "I will continue to exist, even though there are no options, even though it will never get better, even though I am a burden to all those around me, even though I am unworthy of love, even though I do not deserve this skin, this sky, this space that I inhabit." And easy is...easy is easy. We want easy. When everything is hard, easy becomes incredibly tempting.

Writing this down is hard.

I didn't tell most people how depressed I was, because I didn't think I deserved my own depression. I have a pretty good life! I have all the things I listed, and more, and saying "I want to die" when I have a pretty good life felt like bragging; it felt like trying to claim a sorrow I had no right to. But depression doesn't give a fuck how good your life is. Depression is a function of fucked-up brain chemistry, and brain chemistry doesn't say "Oh, hey, you made the New York Times, that's cool, I better straighten out and fly right from now on." You can be depressed no matter what is happening around you, rags or riches, perfection or putridity. That does not make you wrong. Depression is a sickness. You can catch the flu at Disney World, and you can be depressed on your wedding day. No matter how good your life is, no matter how much people say they wish they had your problems, you are allowed to be unhappy. You are allowed to seek help. You are allowed to express your needs.

I did not actively attempt suicide in 2013, but that was only because I have had a lifetime of learning how to trick myself. I begged my agent to get me new book contracts. See? Can't die! I have deadlines! I cajoled my best friend into going to Disneyland with me. See? Can't die! I have to make faces with pixies! I accepted anthology invitations and convention invitations and let a lot of television build up on my DVR. Anything to create obligations that I would feel compelled to meet, but which weren't the kind that can overwhelm me. I made a lot of lists. I check-marked and itemized myself through the worst of it, and it worked, but it...it wasn't easy. I don't think it's ever going to be easy.

I am telling you this because I want you all to understand, at least on some level, that depression is not a thing you have to earn: it is not justified by tragedy, it is not created by grief. It can happen to anyone, and everyone has a right to seek help. Everyone has a right to be cared for, and to find a way to widen their options back into something that they can live with. Everyone. Even me; even you.

I would be very sad if I were not here to share 2014 with all of you. I hope—I really, truly do—that all of you will be here to share this beautiful year with me. Even if I don't know you, even if I've never met you or never will, I hope. Selfishness is easier to refute than narrowness, and we need to be here for each other, or those walls will crush the life from us.

I hope none of you have to deal with what I dealt with this past year. If you do, please, remember that you can seek help. You deserve help.

We all do.

rms_butterfly

January 12 2014, 18:53:53 UTC 3 years ago

New comment

*hugs*

fiarwalk

January 12 2014, 19:47:12 UTC 3 years ago

I think for many people depression exists only in the abstract. I suppose its a bit like being in love. If you've never experienced it, it's nearly impossible to truly imagine. Yet we still try... and we should. I have gone through the wide range of emotions regarding suicide throughout my life. Not because I have ever wanted to die or ever thought seriously about suicide but because my father did. I guess I have to admit to myself that for a great deal of my life I really only looked at it from the perspective of the living, those left behind and the fallout. It's difficult to crawl inside the mind of your parents under the best of circumstance, but the last moments of their life... maybe I never thought about it, maybe I never tried.

And then I read something in your post that shocked and resonated with me. "It seems so much easier to just jump, and get out of everybody's way." I can't help but wonder, and believe, that must be how he was feeling at those final moments. Nothing malevolent or bitter, just wanting to finally step aside. I went through moments of self righteous anger when ever people talked of suicide when I was a teenager, feigned indifference when I was in my twenties and its only in my thirties that I might be able to come close to understanding... as much as that is possible. Not that is was a good choice but just understanding why he made the choice or at least what he was thinking when he made it. I am now older than my father was, which is mind-boggleing.

I went onto your site because I enjoy your books and have read all the October Daye novels. I never anticipated you would give me so much to contemplate and so much insight in just a single post. And you are right, Disneyland is worth living for. You are allowed to be sad and you are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to ask, to demand, what you need in life. I am glad you choose to trick yourself into choosing life. Because the world would miss you. I would miss you.

soundingsea

January 13 2014, 04:46:54 UTC 3 years ago

Many hugs to you.

vettecat

January 13 2014, 18:19:02 UTC 3 years ago

Hugs.

dragondances

January 13 2014, 19:38:09 UTC 3 years ago

Stupid depression. I'm sorry that it's affecting you, too. Just a few days ago my boyfriend was trying to convince me just to look and find out *whether* my new health insurance covers psychiatric care. It's hard to feel like my happiness, or anything about me, is worth it.

From yet another one who's gotten so much comfort and love from your stories, I'm glad that you're still here in 2014, too.

seanan_mcguire

January 20 2014, 17:33:06 UTC 3 years ago

You are absolutely worth it.

Everyone is worth it.

Hold fast; stand.

You are worth it.

druidspell

January 14 2014, 01:43:32 UTC 3 years ago

I wish that my younger self had had an adult mentor who would have explained that depression is not earned by tragedy and that suicidal impulses weren't something that only she felt and it was her fault for being broken. As an adult now, I'm grateful that you've chosen to share this information so that maybe others won't feel the isolation. I hope one day that I can be for someone else was what you've been for me: a role model and an inspiration and a spark of light in the deep dark. ♥

sleary

January 14 2014, 20:27:46 UTC 3 years ago

I had a bout of depression last fall. I wasn't suicidal, but I barely got out of bed for about two months. One of the few things I enjoyed during that period was rereading all the Toby books. Thank you for that, and I'm sorry you've been feeling this way.

exapno

January 15 2014, 01:10:12 UTC 3 years ago

*huggs&love*
I have never quite gotten as far as down that path as you, for which i should be thankful, but I've been further than I'd like :( I'm sorry we understand this as well as we do, you and I.

I am very selfishly glad you managed to get through 2013 and are still with us. I am very very sorry it was so difficult for you :(
Fighting my own narrowing now; as you said, it can be hard to get past the internal "look at what you have, you don't deserve to feel bad".....

Anyway, just wanted to say love you Seanan. Because reminders can help.
*huggs*

libris_leonis

January 15 2014, 04:12:24 UTC 3 years ago

And that's reduced me to tears, since it's such an accurate description of so much of the last 2 years of my life... thank you for saying it.

Also, "no matter how much people say they wish they had your problems" - but they never think about depression as a problem. And it is, and as you know, no one really wants that. No one. (Except perhaps depressives; I know I find my depression in some ways almost comfortable...? I'll have to think through and articulate this thought a bit more)

anonymous_sibyl

January 15 2014, 22:18:10 UTC 3 years ago

I've been there.
You aren't alone there.

maeritrae

January 16 2014, 19:08:30 UTC 3 years ago

Thanks for writing this. I'm not going to talk about my own experience here, although I might, now. But it has really helped, a lot, to see this. Thank you. ♥

Rose-Owls and Pumpkin Girls - Now we can cross the shifting sands.

livejournal

January 18 2014, 06:01:24 UTC 3 years ago

User

natf referenced to your post from Rose-Owls and Pumpkin Girls - Now we can cross the shifting sands. saying: [...] ssion and suicidal ideation. Rose-Owls and Pumpkin Girls - Now we can cross the shifting sands. [...]

B.e. Sanderson

January 21 2014, 21:53:48 UTC 3 years ago

I read this back when you posted it, and didn't have anything to say. I mean, what can I say? I can't pretend like I understand because I haven't gone through what you're going through. But today, another writer posted about her battle with depression and I thought maybe seeing her battle and her seeing yours will help you both. http://alyssaday.blogspot.com/2014/01/on-one-writer-and-depression-aka-life.html

:hugs:

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Rose-Owls and Pumpkin Girls - Now we can cross the shifting sands.