Now we can cross the shifting sands.: seanan

Now we can cross the shifting sands.

(Note: The following post discusses depression and suicide, quite frankly. If you want to skip it, I will understand. Also, I am calling a preemptive comment amnesty, because I don't know that I can get through whatever comments may be left. Thank you.)

***

I have a pretty good life.

That's not bragging, really. I mean, my life has its problems—it's stressful, I'm tired a lot, I'm a woman in the age of the Internet (which is unfortunately code for "I get some really disturbing hate sent my way for the crime of being outspoken and visible while existing as a non-male"), my foot hurts almost all the time, I worry about my friends—but there's no measuring stick that doesn't put me at "pretty good." I am financially secure enough to do things like take off for Disneyland at a moment's notice, to hug a woman standing as avatar for my favorite cartoon character. I have amazing friends who love me despite myself, and I struggle every day to be worthy of them. I have incredible cats. I sleep in an orange bedroom packed with dolls and books and Disney memorabilia.

I get to write books. I get to tell stories, for a living, and have people read and enjoy them. It's everything I ever wanted my life to be...

...and I spent more than half of 2013 wanting my life to stop.

I have been suicidal, off and on, since I was nine years old. I made multiple suicide attempts when I was a pre-teen and teenager; some came closer to success than others. I have my scars. My last active attempt was made when I was in my mid-twenties, and the friend who drove me to the train station has never forgiven me for making him complicit, in any way, in the attempt to take my life. I do not blame him for this, even as I know that I didn't mean to involve him; I just needed to get to the beach, and thought "hey, I can get a ride," and never stopped to consider what that might mean when he'd found out what I'd done, or worse, if he'd found out that I had succeeded. I couldn't see that far ahead. All I could see was the need to stop, to be over, to not need to do this anymore. Any of it.

A very dear friend of mine described suicidal urges and ideations as a narrowing, and she's exactly right, at least for me. It's not selfishness, not at its heart, because when things get that bad, it's virtually impossible to see continuing as an option. It's like climbing a very high mountain, and then running out of trail. You can't fly. It's not selfish to refuse to sprout wings and try. It would be selfish to stay where you are, to block the trail, to prevent others from climbing on without you.

It seems so much easier to just jump, and get out of everybody's way. It seems like the only logical choice. Selfishness doesn't really enter into it. I sort of wish it did. It would be easier to argue with the little voices, or at least it seems like it would be easier; we're all trained from childhood not to be selfish, and that makes selfishness easier to refute than narrowness. "I won't be selfish" is an easier statement than "I will continue to exist, even though there are no options, even though it will never get better, even though I am a burden to all those around me, even though I am unworthy of love, even though I do not deserve this skin, this sky, this space that I inhabit." And easy is...easy is easy. We want easy. When everything is hard, easy becomes incredibly tempting.

Writing this down is hard.

I didn't tell most people how depressed I was, because I didn't think I deserved my own depression. I have a pretty good life! I have all the things I listed, and more, and saying "I want to die" when I have a pretty good life felt like bragging; it felt like trying to claim a sorrow I had no right to. But depression doesn't give a fuck how good your life is. Depression is a function of fucked-up brain chemistry, and brain chemistry doesn't say "Oh, hey, you made the New York Times, that's cool, I better straighten out and fly right from now on." You can be depressed no matter what is happening around you, rags or riches, perfection or putridity. That does not make you wrong. Depression is a sickness. You can catch the flu at Disney World, and you can be depressed on your wedding day. No matter how good your life is, no matter how much people say they wish they had your problems, you are allowed to be unhappy. You are allowed to seek help. You are allowed to express your needs.

I did not actively attempt suicide in 2013, but that was only because I have had a lifetime of learning how to trick myself. I begged my agent to get me new book contracts. See? Can't die! I have deadlines! I cajoled my best friend into going to Disneyland with me. See? Can't die! I have to make faces with pixies! I accepted anthology invitations and convention invitations and let a lot of television build up on my DVR. Anything to create obligations that I would feel compelled to meet, but which weren't the kind that can overwhelm me. I made a lot of lists. I check-marked and itemized myself through the worst of it, and it worked, but it...it wasn't easy. I don't think it's ever going to be easy.

I am telling you this because I want you all to understand, at least on some level, that depression is not a thing you have to earn: it is not justified by tragedy, it is not created by grief. It can happen to anyone, and everyone has a right to seek help. Everyone has a right to be cared for, and to find a way to widen their options back into something that they can live with. Everyone. Even me; even you.

I would be very sad if I were not here to share 2014 with all of you. I hope—I really, truly do—that all of you will be here to share this beautiful year with me. Even if I don't know you, even if I've never met you or never will, I hope. Selfishness is easier to refute than narrowness, and we need to be here for each other, or those walls will crush the life from us.

I hope none of you have to deal with what I dealt with this past year. If you do, please, remember that you can seek help. You deserve help.

We all do.

myuki_chan

January 11 2014, 04:10:11 UTC 3 years ago

New comment

I just wanted to say that you have my love (whatever that might mean to you, coming from a stranger) and that I'm glad you're still here.

thedragonweaver

January 11 2014, 04:17:36 UTC 3 years ago

I have a friend who checked herself in to a closed psychiatric ward due to suicidal ideation. She's been very open about it since she got out, because she feels that the stigma can only be erased by openness. She's currently undergoing ECT (electroshock) because her type of depression is one of the types that is responsive to that. It's scary and intense and it's real, and I can only hope that the treatments available to you help.

I wish we understood the causes better. I long for the day when we can actually fix broken brain chemistry. I just know too many people who are held back by things that are not their fault.

kriatyrr

January 11 2014, 04:31:28 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

It's been years - maybe around seven of them - since I've been anywhere close to suicidal. Except yesterday, when I cried all day, with no breaks longer than an hour. At some points I was contemplating just going out and walking until I could walk no more.. in this winter (I'm currently in Wisconsin), that probably wouldn't take all that long. The devastation the few people who actually care about me barely even crossed my mind. Things are hard now, but they are not beyond repair. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know that the difficulties I face are not insurmountable. I "shouldn't" be feeling this way, but I do. It's just brain chemistry.

Half a lifetime ago, I was certain I wouldn't make it out of my twenties alive.
I turn 34 on Monday.

Thank you for posting this and letting me know how not alone I really am.

January 13 2014, 05:09:06 UTC 3 years ago

"Bad brain weather" is one term I've heard for that. It's unfortunate that it occurred at a point when the physical weather is also bad, but let me just say, as a random person on the internet, that I'm glad you've made it to 34, and I'm sending you good wishes for many more years.

seanan_mcguire

3 years ago

juglore

January 11 2014, 04:51:10 UTC 3 years ago

I spent a large chunk of 2013 wishing I was dead. I know that feel sister. I know that feel.

Many times over the years I have pulled myself through saying. I can't die, favorite author, has a book coming out in two months and I haven't read it yet. Many times you were favorite author. Thanks for the hand. I appreciate it.

sammason

January 11 2014, 04:53:55 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you for this. I'd be glad if you posted the link on

friendly_crips.

January 13 2014, 16:07:30 UTC 3 years ago

I do not repost my own blog entries, because that would never end, but I do have an open re-posting policy, so please feel free to do so if you think it would be helpful.

arcaneblades

January 11 2014, 05:13:39 UTC 3 years ago

*hugs offered* Thank you for this honesty. Thank you for being you, and being here. We do not know each other, and I don't think is all that likely we will ever meet. Still, your journal, your books, the things you write, have been a help to me, in that space, in the last year. Do not hesitate to know that you are valued, no matter what, and that even as I stranger on the internet, I would be happy to help, should you need someone to reach out to, now, or ever. Depression is not a race, or a matter of what's fair to whom. Love, from just another voice in the ether.

priscellie

January 11 2014, 05:17:55 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you for finding the strength both to continue on and to share your experiences with others, so they might take some comfort in the knowledge they are not alone in their pain. You are extraordinary.

$Stef: girl\\cat hair$

morningapproach

January 11 2014, 05:18:02 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you for writing this. It means a lot that you've opened up to us.

I know this entry wasn't written to me, but it sounds like it is. I've been struggling with severe self worth issues since a teenager, and with a mild/moderate depression since my Oma passed at the end of May. It's been a great struggle for me to deal with, and I'm hopeful that I'm coming out of it.

Your words, all of them, not just those written in this entry, but all you've written and that I've read, have meant so much to me. Thank you for them all. I hope that one day I can say thank you in person.

January 13 2014, 16:07:49 UTC 3 years ago

I am so glad to have helped.

_dante_sparda_

January 11 2014, 06:02:52 UTC 3 years ago

I love you, Seanan. With all my heart, I love you.

go_gentle

January 11 2014, 06:48:28 UTC 3 years ago

I'm glad you're still here.

amanda_nye

January 11 2014, 07:26:28 UTC 3 years ago

Love you, and I think I love your lists more than I ever have before. Keep making them and using them as long as it takes you looking at the next item that hasn't been checked off yet.

lilrongal

January 11 2014, 07:43:01 UTC 3 years ago

Crying over here. Been fighting depression since I was 23. Haven't been suicidal in about ten years, but I know that feeling of wanting everything to stop. I used to wake up in the morning and cry because I was still here.

I did and still do the same thing with tricking myself. People have laughed at me and scoffed when I told them about that technique. Cause the little things keeping me here were so tiny and inconsequential... but hell, I'm still here, aren't I? So it must be good for something.

I love you, Seanan. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing and being so open. I'm glad you're still here. Also, stop *trying* to be worthy of your friends. Your true friends love you because you ARE. And you're worthy because you are.

pujaemuss

January 11 2014, 10:01:42 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you for posting this. I'm sorry that you go through that, but it's helped me a lot to read and get a reminder that I'm not alone and it's not my fault.

Thank you. Would you have an objection to me sharing this with some non-LJ people?

PJW

January 13 2014, 16:08:19 UTC 3 years ago

I would not. I have a free share policy. :)

lyssabard

January 11 2014, 10:01:51 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you for writing this. Thank you for your voice.
This helps. You are brave and I am so, so glad you are still here.

I am also familiar with that dark place, though not as deeply as so many of my friends. Your books have helped keep me warm in those times, if that helps any. I am glad there will be more.

I am glad there will be more *you*.

I hope to meet you someday, and just say thank you. And maybe also squee over horror movies and badass princesses and weapons and pandemics.

kaberett

January 11 2014, 10:51:03 UTC 3 years ago

Yes, we do; I'm endlessly baffled and wondered that 2013 was so kind to me, that I didn't want to Just Stop. I am hopeful for all of us for 2014.

etcet

January 11 2014, 11:13:14 UTC 3 years ago

I'm glad you're still here, too. Getting to know you was one of the better parts of 2013 for me.

britmandelo

January 11 2014, 11:38:33 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

silknightshade

January 11 2014, 12:27:58 UTC 3 years ago

Suicide is the permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's trying to fix a broken arm with a band-aid and in all empathy for the person contemplating or attempting suicide the first words stopped me a couple of times in my life and made me see I needed PROFESSIONAL help. Some of us sadly are not good on our own, which does not mean to get an obsessive attachment to another person thinking that they will save us. No that's digging a grave for two. It means, do your damndest to try to see through that heavy veil of tears, hopelessness and fear that it CAN somehow get better no matter WHAT the situation. If I am a retired male nurse that had to overcome the"shame" of living with an abusive girlfriend that would get drunk and leave me bruised and bleeding, then ANYONE else can find the desire and will to get help too. Truest me we're ALL worth it!

azurelunatic

January 12 2014, 21:53:44 UTC 3 years ago

My father used to say that to me, the "temporary problem" bit, and the problem that I was never able to articulate at the time was that I knew that my problem was not situational, it was a problem with my brain that (minus a lot of professional help, which I have since had) I would never be able to get rid of (or, which is actually my case) ever be able to beat into a long-term retreat that I could cope with on a daily basis.

I suspect that the phrase helped him in a similar way to how it helped you, but for teenage me, it turned out to be one of the things that would delay getting me the help I needed because I knew that my father specifically and viciously judged people who were not able to bootstrap their way out and needed professional help. So I didn't want him to hold that stigma against me.

Twenty years later, I am alive, in possession of better coping skills and appropriately medicated, and so is my father. Finally, and not too late.

mysterysquid

January 11 2014, 12:50:09 UTC 3 years ago

Well said.

Hugs and good thoughts your way.

serge_lj

January 11 2014, 12:57:34 UTC 3 years ago Edited: January 11 2014, 13:02:20 UTC

We met only twice, outside of doing so thru your stories, and it was too brief, but I'm glad we did at least that.

acelightning

January 11 2014, 13:39:38 UTC 3 years ago

I think most of the people I know have stood with their toes over the edge at least once or twice - I certainly did. Alas, some of them got pushed by whatever personal demons they were wrestling with. I miss them a lot. I don't want to have to miss you a lot.

My son is a clinical psychologist, and I was going to mention all the things he's told me about depression and suicide and what to say to someone who's depressed and suicidal... but all the other people who love you have said them already. So instead I'll just quote Dorothy Parker (a seriously fucked-up woman with more talent than anyone noticed during her lifetime):

Resumé
By Dorothy Parker

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

And if there's anything a purple-haired old lady from New Jersey can do to help you keep living... you can find several ways to reach me via my LJ user profile.

elialshadowpine

January 11 2014, 13:57:13 UTC 3 years ago

This struck me really hard, especially the part about not deserving your depression. I have struggled with that, too. I have bipolar disorder, and I've had symptoms since I was a kid. I remember being suicidal as a teenager. There are a few things that kept me from actually doing anything, but a major one was authors like you, writing stories that showed me that there was more to life than what I was living with. Sometimes, when in the midst of a bipolar depressive downswing, reading books to keep my mind off my own sorry existence was the only thing that kept me here. Sometimes, the stories touched me so deeply they even gave me hope, and gave me a respite from the depression. They certainly helped make me feel less depressed for being queer with a Dad who was going through a fundie "gay people are going to hell" phase.

I love your books, and they have helped me when I've been feeling down. Sometimes because distraction, sometimes because something touched me, sometimes because I could bury myself so deep in a world and story that my own miserable existence, in that moment, does not exist. All that exists is the story, and the emotions I feel from it. And those moments, pulled away from the haze of depression, able to feel something that's not pain... that's more precious than words can say.

Thank you for doing what you do, and for being here.

kyrielle

January 11 2014, 14:55:39 UTC 3 years ago

I am glad you shared this. It's hard to talk about, and I think if we talked about it more, it would help the world be better ready to deal/help.

And I'm really, REALLY glad that you are good at setting yourself goals and distractions, and are still here. I like the world having a you in it, and I am glad that it does.

Deleted comment

otherdeb

January 11 2014, 18:29:09 UTC 3 years ago

*hugs* Thank you so much for posting this, even though I am sure it was impossibly hard to decide to do so. It sometimes scares me that so many of us in fandom have had to fight this fight. I don't know you as well as many here do, but I adore what I do know, and that mostly from Merav. But the few times I have met you in person, you were very kind, and those were some very rough times for me.

I am glad you are still here, and I am glad for all the beautiful in your life. And no, having all the beautiful and good doesn't exempt you from the problems. If there is one thing I've learned in 61 years, it's that we all have problems and burdens, and there is really no degree of difference in them, because when you are in the middle of it, it's not petty.

If I can ever lend an ear or a shoulder, please feel free to use it.

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