How Pamela Dean changed (and also saved) my life.: seanan

How Pamela Dean changed (and also saved) my life.

(I thought a lot about whether this needed a trigger warning, and decided that it was better to err on the side of caution. So...TW: very oblique and carefully worded mention of a suicide attempt.)

I don't think it's any secret that I am a voracious reader. I read constantly. My friend Michelle has commented on more than one occasion that she, as a lifelong reader, is still amazed by the way she'll turn her back for thirty seconds, look back, and find me with my nose in a book. Since I grew up very poor, I also grew up a voracious re-reader; my favorite books were likely to be read five, ten, twenty times before I moved on, and I still go back to them. There aren't many new books added to that shelf these days—I finally have more than I can read—but when I need a friend, those favorites are always there.

When I was fourteen, I read Pamela Dean's Tam Lin for the first through fifth times.

Tam Lin is based on the ballad (which I was already enamored of, and would become obsessed with somewhere between readings three and five), but only very loosely so; it shares a structure, and not the details. It's about a girl named Janet, who loves to read, and goes to college, where she can read as much as she wants. It's about growing up and growing older and how those aren't always the same things, and it's about the things she does while she's at school, about falling in and out of love, and Shakespeare, and "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," and festive elephants, and pink curtains, and growing apart, and oh, right, the Queen of Faerie and the Tithe to Hell.

The main character, Janet, was everything I wanted to grow up to be. She was strong and smart and living in a world where the magic was subtle enough that I could see myself in her. She loved all the books I loved, and she wrote poetry constantly. It was because of this book that I wrote a sonnet a day every day for my entire high school career. Some of them were terrible, and some of them were just technically clean without being anything more than homework I had set for myself...but all of them taught me about word choice and meaning what you said, and they sparked a lifelong love of structured poetry.

Books were my salvation when I was a teenager (they still are, although I've gotten better about knowing how to save myself), but very few of them had real people doing things I could relate to and understand. Not like Janet. She was flawed and fallible and exactly what I needed, and better still, she gave my friends and I access to concepts like saying something when you needed help, and knowing that phrase would get you what you needed instantly, no questions asked. Because we thought we were being terribly clever, we used the phrase "pink curtains," which had been adopted for that purpose by Janet and her friends.

When I was sixteen, I decided I was done. I was out of cope. I was finished. I took myself and my favorite book (not Tam Lin, IT, by Stephen King) and went to a place and did a thing, and it was supposed to make me not have to exist anymore. And somewhere in the middle of the thing, I changed my mind. I literally started thinking about the characters in the books I loved, and how disappointed in me they would be, and how they wouldn't do this to themselves. They had more important things to do than die, and maybe so did I.

I went to a pay phone. I called a friend. I told her it was pink curtains, and she came and got me, and she did not judge, and she did not yell, and she helped me, because we had a framework for friends who would do that. That, like so much else that was good in our lives, we had learned from a book. From this book.

I still love T.S. Eliot and I still write sonnets and I went to college as a folklore major partially because I wanted to read, and study "Tam Lin," and be Janet Carter for a little while. Tam Lin influenced so much of who I grew up to be...and it helped me know that I could ask for help. So it's part of why I was able to grow up at all.

I love this book so much. I always will.

You should read it.

danaoshee

October 5 2013, 21:20:47 UTC 3 years ago

New comment

Books save me, too.
For a while there, wanting to know what happens next in series I'm reading was what kept me going. A few years ago, someone I knew, well, didn't make it through the depression. And we'd been talking a month before hand about what had just happened in Shadow Unit, and now every time it updates I'm sad she doesn't get to find out the rest of the story.
And so when I've been really bad, waiting for the next book in a series was what I was surviving for. (Although now I've got meds that work, which means I'm not living in that place anymore, thankfully - but for so many years, I was.)

seanan_mcguire

October 5 2013, 23:05:21 UTC 3 years ago

The power of books is inestimable.

elialshadowpine

October 6 2013, 00:18:56 UTC 3 years ago

Books definitely saved my life along the way. I haven't read that particular one -- I'll have to put it on my TBR! -- but, well, I had a really difficult adolescence. Dad was abusive, but at the time, he had managed to sweet-charm everything into seeing as though it was my Mom's fault. I was suicidal, and Mom realized it but she knew I wouldn't open up to her. She gave me Piers Anthony's Virtual Mode, which, as problematic as it is for many reasons and I'm not sure I would want to re-read it as an adult, it is about a teen girl who is suicidal who ends up having all kinds of adventures. It helped me a lot, and so did the other books that I kept coming back to -- Mercedes Lackey's Valdemar books, Marion Zimmer Bradley's Darkover, Anne Bishop's Black Jewels...

And my own writing, which I'm not sure if counts as books, but I mention anyway. Sometimes, the thought that I had stories to tell and if I were gone, nobody would be there to tell them, was one of the things that kept me holding on.

October 6 2013, 16:21:45 UTC 3 years ago

The books that save us can be problematic. As long as they save us, they did their job.

I am glad you're here.

inaurolillium

October 6 2013, 01:32:40 UTC 3 years ago

Yes. Amazing book. One of those books I always pick up another copy of when I see it at the used book store so I can give one to a friend and not want it back. No idea how many copies are now in the house, since my wife does much the same. She also once bought me a 50s edition Liddel and Scott Greek dictionary, because of the reference (and because I want to learn ancient Greek).

October 6 2013, 16:21:56 UTC 3 years ago

Awesome.

batyatoon

October 6 2013, 02:05:23 UTC 3 years ago

*hugs*

That's two reasons for me to be very glad you read this book, then.

October 6 2013, 16:22:03 UTC 3 years ago

Bridget Hunter

October 6 2013, 02:52:05 UTC 3 years ago

When I was a little kid with an undiagnosed mental illness, I used to hide in my closet and read my way through bad manic eps. Now I'm on meds so my episodes aren't quite as bad, and I don't really dig closets, but books are usually the first things I turn to when I have bad days. Not to mention, a big part of how I got through several years there was by telling myself over and over 'If Ed Elric and Harry Potter can get through all they did and keep on trucking, so can I.' And actually, I wanted to thank you - because during one of my 'bad days' last year I picked up Discount Armageddon, and I got a whole new set of characters to add to my kickass inspiration list. Seriously, some of your books have helped me through some pretty rough times. So thanks so much for creating all these worlds and these awesome characters, and I'm really happy you had some books to help you through your own rough spots. :)

October 6 2013, 16:28:45 UTC 3 years ago

I am so glad to have helped.

We have to pass it along.

admnaismith

October 6 2013, 04:17:52 UTC 3 years ago

And to think that now you're a role model to people who are maybe now in a place like you were in back then.

I've had similar brushes with ultimate despair. The most recent was in 2000 after suffering a breakup with a 4-year live-in girlfriend. This year, as I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary with The Redhead, I gave thanks that I decided back then to place a bet that something better than an eternity of nothing might happen if I stuck around.

And a lot of amazing stuff happened. Experiencing your stories being part of that.

There's power in knowing that even badasses like you have had such thoughts and that it's not just the feeble who have been overwhelmed by the terrible, seductive force of despair.

Open roads.

October 6 2013, 16:28:57 UTC 3 years ago

Kind fires.

aedifica

October 6 2013, 04:34:19 UTC 3 years ago

Tam Lin may be why I finished college--I first read it during the gap between my freshman year and getting enough money together to go back for another year of school, and it made me so homesick for being in college. Pamela has a lot of good to answer for!

October 6 2013, 16:29:06 UTC 3 years ago

Awesome!

briargrey

October 6 2013, 05:29:28 UTC 3 years ago

I have considered this my favourite book for years and years. So much of Janet is how I wished I'd handled my English degree and early college life instead of getting married (to an idiot) and forgetting who I was for 7 years (hrm...7 years...damned fae things). I can't begin to express how much this book means to me every time I reread it - I see parts of me and parts of who I could have been, etc. It's beautifully written, and I just adore it. I wish it were available for my kindle but it's not :( I reread it every year or so anyway but if I had it electronically on my road trips, it would be even more frequent .

Pink curtains. Love it. Yay for saving by literature!

October 6 2013, 16:29:23 UTC 3 years ago

Literature is best.

everstar3

October 6 2013, 05:36:29 UTC 3 years ago

Yep, Tam Lin is one of my favorite books of all time. I have my original copy, off of which the cover is falling, and the reprint. And when--not if, dammit--I finally go to graduate school, it'll be because I'm admitting who I am and who I want to be and I want to be Janet. I'm so thrilled you love this book too, even if we'll have to agree to disagree about IT. ;)

October 6 2013, 16:29:42 UTC 3 years ago

Disagreement is healthy. :)

mjudithrussell

October 6 2013, 12:51:48 UTC 3 years ago

Definitely have to check Tam Lin out. (Once amazon restocks of course). Unless...I can worship at the altar of the Indie Bookstore! Away!

October 6 2013, 16:29:50 UTC 3 years ago

Away!

docpockets

October 6 2013, 15:55:08 UTC 3 years ago

I am not familiar with Tam Lin, but K and Teddy are, so I plan to borrow their copy soon. My teen years were... challenging, and books were my refuge. When I was out of cope, my one friend was there for me and I'll always be grateful. I am even more grateful that Teddy doesn't have the same environments and difficulties that you and I had, and that she has you as a friend to let her know how great it is to just be herself.

October 6 2013, 16:30:15 UTC 3 years ago

I am so glad Teddy has you for parents. I hope you enjoy the book.

Deleted comment

October 6 2013, 19:26:33 UTC 3 years ago

Yay!

October 6 2013, 21:35:18 UTC 3 years ago

Love you lady.

lollardfish

October 7 2013, 00:19:05 UTC 3 years ago

I'm sorry, there are a lot of comments, and so if I missed it just ignore me:

Does Pamela know this story?

---------------------

Among the many things I love about Tam Lin is Pamela's patience. I love writers who just churn every page, but I also love writers who just refuse to give you anything. Tam Lin - you already know the story (if you are a pudgy nerd boy like me, when I was a teenager, then later a Latin scholar and historian), or you can find out the story if you like. It's all scripted. So she has the liberty to just wait, and wait, and wait, and then OH MY IT ALL HAPPENS at the end.

October 7 2013, 00:53:17 UTC 3 years ago

She does. She actually replied above. :)

3 years ago

deire

October 7 2013, 00:43:21 UTC 3 years ago

Words and stories have saved my life more than once. It's why I write and someday want to publish what I write, in part. Because I'd like to do that for someone else too.

If it helps, Wicked Girls does that for me, and My Story Is Not Done. Because my story isn't done, and damned if I'll give up for anyone's opinion or for despair. It reminds me that despair is a liar.

October 7 2013, 00:53:30 UTC 3 years ago

I am so humbled to hear that.

erinwrites

October 7 2013, 00:49:18 UTC 3 years ago

That was beautiful. You are beautiful.

(And this book is absolutely going on my massive "to-read" list...)

October 7 2013, 00:53:40 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

I love you.

falnfenix

October 7 2013, 01:50:53 UTC 3 years ago

not gonna lie, here: on the occasions i have thought about making self not exist, at least one situation was averted by reminding myself that i had books i hadn't finished reading, dammit, and i needed to find out the ending.

books = life.

October 8 2013, 16:53:06 UTC 3 years ago

Yes.

Yes, they do.

vettecat

October 7 2013, 18:48:27 UTC 3 years ago

I'm very glad you changed your mind.

October 8 2013, 16:53:25 UTC 3 years ago

Thanks.

Eileen Forster Keck

October 7 2013, 21:31:36 UTC 3 years ago

Tam Lin is my "teddy bear". It's one of those tales that takes the best from life and fantasy and reality and horror and makes it real.

My library has also been enriched, though I will never find a way to like Milton. Sorry, Janet!

October 8 2013, 16:53:36 UTC 3 years ago

Awwwww.

grenacia

October 8 2013, 03:11:53 UTC 3 years ago

I love Tam Lin too. It isn't individually of great significance to my life, but it is definitely one of those books that collectively make life worth living when all else fails. I have had times in my life when the only major reason life felt worth living was "there are good books to read". Now I have other things that make life worth living, but books are always a fallback. And there are times when the only thing I can bear to do is to immerse myself in good fiction, where I find comfort.

October 8 2013, 16:53:51 UTC 3 years ago

This is good.

msss

October 8 2013, 07:13:59 UTC 3 years ago

I love the book too. :-)

And I'm so glad that you're here.

October 8 2013, 16:54:00 UTC 3 years ago

Thank you.

October 9 2013, 20:27:48 UTC 3 years ago

I feel weird saying "you're welcome" to this, but...you're welcome.

jammiesest

October 9 2013, 00:39:39 UTC 3 years ago

I'm glad you changed your mind and that you had a pink-curtains friend. It's a little eerie that I just two days ago finished my annual re-reading of Tam Lin, which I love for all the reasons you love and more that you didn't have space to list.

October 9 2013, 20:27:58 UTC 3 years ago

arcaneblades

October 9 2013, 13:00:19 UTC 3 years ago

As someone all too familiar with those moments, I'm glad that this book, and that friend, were there for you. I didn't read Tam Lin as a teen, I was in my late twenties before I managed to find a copy, but it was significant, even then. I have re-read it a couple of times, and may yet do so again, given that I know *exactly* where my copy is. This is not the case for all of the books in the house. The book drew me, because by then, I was familiar with several versions of the ballad, and fond of reading fairy tale retellings, and folklore, and other such tidbits. Thank you, again, for being you, and being here. I know I've been reading your journal archive lately, as something to focus on, when life is hard.

October 9 2013, 20:28:12 UTC 3 years ago

You are so welcome.

n_ysabet

October 9 2013, 21:45:19 UTC 3 years ago

Oh! Oh, I love that you loved this book, because I also love this book. I went to university hoping to be Janet Carter and got halfway through an English degree before I quit in disgust because aside from my science fiction professor, it was nothing like I had been promised. Also, I can't believe (well, okay, yes I can) that you wrote a sonnet every day, "to keep your hand in," was it?

So. Much. Wonderful.

Also also, I am very glad that this book helped keep you in the world, because otherwise I would never have gotten to know your work, and so many of us would be so much poorer for it. Thanks for sticking it out.

October 10 2013, 17:30:41 UTC 3 years ago

One of the best books ever. :)

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How Pamela Dean changed (and also saved) my life.

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