Costumes are not consent. What does that mean for you?

I feel like I need to make a conscious effort not to be an asshole to cosplayers at Comic-Con. That is, I am already pretty good at not being an asshole, but I want to go just that extra bit farther and be actively good to counteract all the other assholes they have to deal with.

Not a cosplayer. Haven't gone to a con in years. But everything you say goes for the street. Leering at sometimes skimpily dressed girls with good bods/boys with good bods is impolite. Yes, they are dressed to attract attention. An admiring look is NOT a leer. Inappropriate comments, TOUCHING???, photos, etc. are just that - INAPPROPRIATE. You said it well.

Not that there's anything wrong with welcoming attention, but not all cosplayers want any attention. I cosplay as an homage to the character, and because it's fun, and because I like the way I feel when I'm in a long red spy coat coat holding a representation of the world in my hand and traipsing around in stompy boots. The costume can be a talisman that gives me strength in a "What Would Carmen Sandiego Do?" sort of way. ;)

We can't assume why someone is cosplaying. It's not a performance for the impersonal 'you' is what I think (sadly) people need to be constantly reminded.

If it had been two Emma Frosts trying to make a Jean Grey cry, would that at least have been thematically appropriate?
I kid.
Seanan's right: it's unacceptable to harass anyone for their clothing choices at a con, and people should behave themselves.

Now if only someone dressed as Emperor Palpatine had walked up to them...

"Yes, good. Feel the hatred. Let it flow through you! Let its power envelop you. Jean Grey, I tell you the Phoenix is nothing compared to the Dark Side of the Force..."

As someone who loves to make costumes who has a teenage daughter who loves to wear costumes, I worry even more about this than I would were I the one wearing the costume. On the up side, she's pretty good at expressing herself should she need to, and knows a lot of people at the events we attend so could easily find someone to serve as backup if needed. Thank you for expressing yourself so well (and colorfully). It helps our mother-daughter/geek gals in collusion discussions :-)

Just was at a small anime convention this weekend, vending shirts. Had a long conversation with the security guy (who looked just like Matt Damon...sigh). He had thrown out/banned 4 guys for inappropriate touching, mostly of cosplayers. He said it made his day when he got to boot a dirtbag like that, but lamented that he knew there were more problems, because they weren't reported to him. So let your security people know! They love taking out the trash.

Heck, if you're at a show where I am, come get me. I'll be glad to take care of your little problem.

It amazes me when people try to be respectful, then just totally combust. The following happened a few SDCCs ago. I don't remember if I was dressed as Maeve or Wendy Watson, but it was something playfully midriff-revealing.

Him: Your costume is awesome. Do you mind if I get a picture with you?
Me: Thanks! Sure.
Him: Could I put an arm on your shoulder?
Me: [thinking: wow, most people don't ask. Good for him.] Sure.
[His friend snaps a couple photos]
Him: [to his FRIEND, not to me] Hey, can you get a photo of her kissing me?

Dude. At what point in this conversation did I stop being a human being and cede control over my body?

That's another thing that makes cosplayers uncomfortable. Even around people who seem respectful, you never know when that respect will run out and be replaced with pure WTF.

Cosplayer here. One who stopped cosplaying anyone with a skirt shorter than ankle-length when I found someone had taken a drive-by while I was walking up some stairs at a con, looking as far up my skirt as was photographically possible without my cooperation. Taken it and showed it off. Online.

That being said...

Quizzing them on whether or not they even know who they're dressed up as.

This, about a million times over. If I'm, say, dressed up in my super awesome genderswapped Fifth Doctor costume and someone wants to come over and strike up a conversation about Doctor Who? Do so! I'm happy to talk about it! But if they want to come over and make me prove my geek cred in order to earn some sort of them-appointed seal of approval... don't. And I especially hate it when someone decides not to play their stupid 20-questions game and get called mean or b***h or told that they don't want dudes to even look at or talk to ladies at cons.

It's like for some people the ability to engage with others at cons is some sort of weird binary. Either they get to do whatever they want at or to whoever they want, or they believe they're prevented from even raising their eyes or speaking a word lest the evil PC police get them. And it's like, no! There's about a million shades in between those two and I'm reasonably sure we could find a common place where we could have a mutually enjoyable interaction.

"Either they get to do whatever they want at or to whoever they want, or they believe they're prevented from even raising their eyes or speaking a word lest the evil PC police get them. And it's like, no! There's about a million shades in between those two and I'm reasonably sure we could find a common place where we could have a mutually enjoyable interaction. "

This. They also act like it is difficult to be decent and a rarity and too much to ask of humanity. I go to a con that has 50,000+ people and it's probably fewer than .08 of 1 percent that are a problem (it's still too many, but it is a small, small minority). It would be very difficult to get actual data on this as so much is unreported, but even if we multiplied any formal dealings by ten it is theoretically a small number. So if you are in that small number or harassers, are really trying to be an asshole, or should probably not be allowed out in public without a helper or assistant.

Being a public figure != physically available. For example, I doubt the Secret Service would react well if someone attempted to grope the President.

One of my partners and I go to kink events where people are often wearing ... well, much skimpier costumes, if anything at all. Oddly enough, I can recall less (read "no") harassments problems from these events than I can from conventions which I've attended. This is not to say that it doesn't happen, of course, but I do know that all of these events have written policies about harassment and very clearly outlined consequences for their violations. (And with that, the staff is very willing to enforce those policies.) Perhaps that makes a difference?

But but but - if she didn't want to be Xed, why is she wearing a costume that Y?

Because the female character was drawn by a male artist for a male audience, and there aren't too many costumes for women that aren't revealing, full of spandex, and designed to emphasize T&A.

Don't even ask about women wearing male character's costumes.
"Drrr, you're wearing the wrong costume, dincha notice?"
"Why no, I must have ACCIDENTALLY put on a shirt, pants, belt, boots, etc, from the wrong side of the closet! Silly me!"

Or maybe she designed the costume herself and loves clothing that is styled that way. It doesn't matter what the headspace of the creator was in when they made a revealing costume, nobody should feel justified harassing someone for what they wear (or don't wear), period.

Came across a T-shirt (?) with the legend : Not Here For Your Viewing Pleasure. Even if someone is wearing a costume, it's the character and the costume on display, not the person of the cosplayer.

This may be a stupid question, but is it generally okay to ask if you can touch a part of the costume?

I hang around a bunch of people who sew, and so this is a common thing to try to figure out fabric properties, but I'm not sure if it would go over well.

Of course I'd ask politely, and explain why, and gracefully accept a no, but I don't want to do something that's going to make someone uncomfortable in the first place if I can avoid it.

From my experiences at conventions and in the SCA, if you ask something neutral like "did you use silly string for that splatter effect on your costume?' then you can usually ask 'is it okay if I touch the fabric?" If they say yes, I tend to go for the outermost part of the garment or the drapiest part, as far from the torso as possible, good choices are the sleeve or the cuff.

Keep in mind also, if someone's out in a costume they may be on edge from harassment by others, and may be wary of anyone coming up to them. Don't be insulted if they're feeling skittish, keep things verbal and let them go away on their schedule. Also, try not to stand between them and the bathroom or the door, because being in a skin-tight leotard or heavy armor all day means they may want to go somewhere right now, and take it off. They may also be in a situation where heavy contact with people might break some element of the costume, so don't take it personally if they won't let you touch their mandibles or their antennae. There could be a really good reason.

One major caveat: don't ask if you can touch something that's covering a sensitive part of the body, even if it's a non-sexual part of the body, like say, the underarm, where the cosplayer might be ticklish. If you want to touch something like a breastplate, you can ask if some other part of the costume, like a wristband, is made of the same stuff, so that you aren't acting in an offensive manner. In most cases the cosplayer can't take that part off and hand it to you so you can touch it, but they may say tell you where you can find that material, or let you touch a part of it that's not covering 'No really, don't touch this!' bits of their body.

So long as you respect 'no' or 'I don't think so.' or anything else hesitant from the cosplayer, they are usually happy to share seam details, welding, or secrets of how they built their wings. As with everything else in these interactions, go slowly, and watch body language, listen for verbal consent. You could make someone's day with your compliments and your attention, particularly if you're being sane.

"Again, if this is something you can't trust yourself to grasp, maybe you need to stay home."

Seriously. GO HOME. Because you're not welcome.

Sometimes the avatars even get to be heroes, like the time a kid got separated from his dad and asked the Flash and Wonder Woman for help.

Well that's the most adorable thing I've seen this week. Thanks! :)

I think this sums up why when I cosplay, I crossplay--I rarely dress as a girl. The level of ick increases when I wear a girl costume.

I am curious how much (if any) grief you get for being a girl in boy's clothing?

Fantastic post. Thanks for this.

You're the best. Thank you for this.

What really gets to me is when people make comments about "it's good to see someone who could pass the Starfleet fitness exam in uniform" or other body-shaming things. That doesn't come across as a compliment and it doesn't get me on their side; it comes across as the speaker being a jackass. Anyone who wants to can wear that blue body paint, even if they don't match the Na'vi physique. In fact, no human is built like a Na'vi.
Costumers can be whomever they want to.

On the plus side, only one person called me "Miss America" this weekend, and his friends corrected him (to "Captain") as fast as I did.

It's unlikely *Scotty* from original Trek could have passed the "fitness test."

Maybe one way to approach a conversation with *anyone* at a con is start slow and think about what you say. There's a big difference between, "What a great costume!" and "You look great in that costume!" and a bigger difference than both of these is "You look hot [or sexy] in that costume!" The third one automatically gives the exchange sexual overtones that are inappropriate with a stranger at a con.

Both this and your post yesterday are great pieces, Seanan.

Thank you.

Brilliant and important, as always.

My 13 year old does anime cosplay. And because she is average female height and small-framed and THIRTEEN, I worry about her. Granted, she's often doing a play with her boyfriend, Vocaloids or the like, so there is some backup. (I've taken to cosplaying right along side her, because nothing says "protected" like an Amazonian Mama riding herd.)


And this: "They are people, and they have a right to the ball" is why I read your LJ.

If you want to say "hello" go up and say, "Hello."

As a costumer, and now as the mom of a 12-year old girl who's recently begun to show an interest in cosplaying (as opposed to toddling around cons in the [if I do say so myself] SUPERCUTE little fairy, princess, dragon, fairy princess, dragon princess, etc. costumes we made for her as a toddler), here's what I have to say:

This subject inspires me towards violence. Whatever reason the fanboys or fangirls have for not being able to keep their hands, words, and camera phones civil is never enough. My God. Public beheadings don't strike me as a bad option, if needed. (Really, just one or two publicized events should get the message across. And they're great opportunities to get to know your neighbors over a picnic beforehand, or shop the stalls for trinkets and souvenirs - support your local vendors, rah!)

That said, here's another thought. I can generally handle myself if harassed. (I'm faster and sharper-tongued than some assume, in my twinsets and pearls, comparing recipes and talking playdates at the park, and sometimes I like to wear revealing costumes at cons too.) If Katie chooses to wear a revealing or sexy costume (someday ... when she's around 40, right after she starts dating), she'll also be well-versed and educated in how to handle herself in the face of inappropriate attention.

Let me take a moment to be extra clear here. NO BEHAVIOR OR CLOTHING QUALIFIES AS ASKING FOR VERBAL OR PHYSICAL HARASSMENT. I don't care if the girl or boy is walking around in the itsy-bitsiest, teensy-weensiest, yellow polka dot Leia costume, this does not qualify as an invitation to touch, leer or make nasty. (Honest to God, where DO those people come from? Do they form clubs, have classes on how to be gross?? Did famous writer name deleted publish a book of tips on how to be a dick in public just for them???)

But going out of the house/hotel room/banquet hall in your beautiful costume, 47 hours of hand beading work, three friends with sponges and green body paint, and a truly spectacular wig, unprepared for unwanted attention is unwise. Sad as it is, the simple fact of the matter is that some looks do tend to draw more attention from those-who-shouldn't-be-allowed-out-unsupervised. I would be remiss in my parenting duties in letting Katie out of the house without teaching her to fend off the creeps (and if necessary to remove any inclination those creeps might have to ever touch anyone like her again, anywhere). Nor would I leave the house, as fast and mean as I can be with a cocktail pick and a well-placed high heel, alone and unready to a (relatively) public event.

Although I can teach Katie to handle herself or find help, costumers in general who tend towards revealing outfits (cosplay, historical, whatever your flavor of costuming, btw), I would be remiss in my friend duties to y'all as well to not tell you to do the same: find it in yourselves to use a sharp word, call flare, or have a big mean friend handy as an escort. (A one-day self-defense course can be a great confidence builder that way.) And then your children to do the same. (As well as teach them what constitutes appropriate public behavior, natch.)

'Cause here's the thing on the leering, panting, commenting behavior: It's not sexual. It's sadism, and a power grab. Awful as it is, the terrified stammering, blushing, and flight to safety can reinforce the creepy behavior as much as a smile and phone number would (as icky a thought as that is, I know ... take a moment and say it with me - eeeeeuuuwww!).

First reactions matter when reinforcing - or extinguishing - behavior. (Trust me. Ask my dogs. Treats = good. A sharply-worded "no" = bad.) A long cold stare can work wonders.

Even though the world should be a better place, as yet, it isn't. Creeps abound, despite our efforts to teach them to play nicely or be sent home. So as the Scouts say, it always pays to be prepared, and in doing so, help make the world a better place.

Love -

Denisen

+1

Recently, a friend of mine and I were talking about something closely related, brought on by the reddit discussion of the baptized Sikh woman who responded to someone who posted her picture and mocked it. He summed it up beautifully when he said "I can't say that I haven't seen some things I wish I hadn't seen, like an enormously fat woman in town wearing short shorts and spilling out of them all over the place, but then I say to myself, 'hey, it's freaking hot out here, and she may not have air-conditioning. She isn't dressing for me, she's dressing for her own comfort.'"

He gets it. People dress the way they do for their own reasons. These reasons probably don't include worrying about the reaction of a random stranger.

This is easily applied to cosplayers. A cosplayer dresses in costume for his or her own purposes, and what you imagine is the purpose of their choice of costume doesn't mean jack sh*t and you have no right to act like your assumption justifies your behavior.

I've had a few times in my life where people weren't talking to me, they were talking to an object shaped like me. This hasn't happened very often because I'm tall and can exude an aura of "I will kill you, eventually," but I remember, quite clearly, those times when it happened. It's freaky and disturbing. And it's easy to not be the person that talks to person-shaped objects. You 1) Acknowledge that the world does not revolve around you, and that the person in front of you has his or her own life, and 2) Actually carry on the conversation that is happening in front of you, instead of the one that's going on inside your head.

Everyone has the right to personal space, physical and conversational both. Respect that and we'll all get along just fine.