Velveteen vs. Jolly Roger.

Thank you for Princess.

Also, I've love Jolly Roger.

Before I even finish reading:

The Princess said Bless your heart. Oooooh. Them's fightin' words!

Lots of fun stuff in this chapter! Revelations about the Princess (excellent backstory!) and hints about the corporation. As often is the case, it appears the sins of the parents are being paid for by the children.

One minor point - Vel tells Jolly Roger that there aren't any psychics on the teams, and then a few moments later he demands to know about psychics (compare "Well that's changed" with "Are any of them psychic, in any way?")

Yeah, that felt weird to me as well. Either he has short term memory problems or something more weird is going on.

Universe reboot synching error? Time loop hiccup? Only the Author knows....

*pats*

Still, good work.

I should have been working, and instead I couldn't resist reading Velveteen. Bad freelance! Naughty freelance! But it has put me in a much better mood to deal with the rest of the day, so thank you!

I'd like to draw attention to two very fine pieces of craft:

First, where you wrote:

“Princess, untie him,” said Velveteen. Eyes still on Jolly Roger, she continued, “You were the first one to get out; you were the first broken heart they couldn’t bury. They’ve killed my boyfriend. They’ve killed a lot more than just him, and no one’s willing to stand against them. Please. Help us.”

That's a terribly cheesy line. And you made it work. Not just work - work well. Perfectly. It's a beautiful, eloquent image. I think most writers are told to shy away from lines like that, because if they're not perfectly executed they turn your protagonist into a big ham. But in this story, in this context, it rings true.


Second, you've said that you mostly outgrew italics. Which is probably for the best. But in the second conversation with Jolly Roger, italics gave use a much deeper understanding of the conversation. Unsubtle, maybe, but I know I would not have understood it all without that; it added depth while leaving the scene unchanged.