What gay marriage looks like.: seanan

What gay marriage looks like.

The election is almost here.

For the most part, I try not to get political, both because I don't have the bandwidth for the arguments, and because I'm just so tired from being angry all the time. But I'm hearing the usual "oh, the bad storm that has done so much damage is because of ALL THE GAY," and according to the Mitt Romney campaign...

"As president, Mitt will not only appoint an Attorney General who will defend the Defense of Marriage Act—a bipartisan law passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton—but he will also champion a Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman."

Gay marriage is now so terrifying and troublesome that it needs to be banned constitutionally? What?

So let me tell you what gay marriage looks like to me.

Same sex marriage was legalized in California in 2008. It was rendered illegal that same year, by Proposition 8, but before that happened, thousands of gay and lesbian couples were able to sign their marriage licenses and take their wedding vows. My middle sister, the one I call Young James Dean, was one of the happy women who took the hand of the woman she loved and promised, legally, to stay with her forever.

It was not a fancy marriage. YJD and her girlfriend (now wife) were both worried that same sex marriage would be made illegal before they could formalize their union. So I, my mother, and my youngest sister joined YJD, her girlfriend, and her girlfriend's family at the city courthouse.

They were both nervous and terrified and ecstatic. They signed their papers and affirmed that they knew what they were doing, and we were all escorted up to see the Justice of the Peace.

It was a hot day. No one was dressed particularly fancily. YJD had a silver sixpence in her shoe that I'd bought from a local rare coin dealer; there were no other wedding accoutrements in place. We didn't need them.

The Justice of the Peace asked if they would do all the things a spouse is meant to do: they said that they would. And they were pronounced married in the eyes of the State of California. Both of them kissed the bride. We had the wedding dinner at Denny's. Bride of YJD's father paid for it. For their wedding gift, I had their marriage certificate nicely framed, and it hangs in their front hall. They are raising Bride of YJD's three children together. They have bought a house together. They're happy, and they're healthy, and if any God really and truly disapproved of same sex marriage, He (or She) wouldn't have shown it with a hurricane: that's inefficient. We live in earthquake country, after all.

But the ground didn't shake. Every day my sister wakes up, loving her wife, and the ground doesn't open up and swallow them whole. They've had their problems—all marriages do—but none of those problems have been scored for Locusts in C Minor, accompanied by Plague of Frogs.

Look: I can appreciate the religious angle. I can appreciate saying "my church says this isn't cool." But my church does think it's cool. My church thinks it's awesome. And the separation of church and state means that giving my sister a marriage license and a big box of legal protection to be used on the day when, Great Pumpkin forbid, something happens to Bride of YJD...that didn't do a thing to change the churches. Individual churches can perform same sex marriage, or not, as their scripture demands.

Young James Dean's marriage has not damaged my relationships, or the relationships of our youngest sister. They have not undermined the lives and loves of those around them. The only thing gay marriage has done to my family is bring us more love, every day.

The world needs more love.

And I am so glad my sister found her wife.

tesserae_

November 2 2012, 23:53:35 UTC 4 years ago

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My congratulations to both of them.

I went to more weddings in that 3-4 months than I had in the previous 10 years - happy couples all, who'd been together for many years and were ecstatic at the chance to call each other "husband." How that much joy be bad for *anyone* is the question I'd like a concrete answer to...

seanan_mcguire

February 18 2013, 17:41:59 UTC 4 years ago

I don't think there's a way.

amdsmrnitesdrm

November 3 2012, 00:16:48 UTC 4 years ago

Love this.

February 18 2013, 17:42:08 UTC 4 years ago

Thank you.

knittingwoman

November 3 2012, 00:20:05 UTC 4 years ago

You are so right IMO. More love is definitely what the world needs.

February 18 2013, 17:42:17 UTC 4 years ago

Always.

mysterysquid

November 3 2012, 00:39:05 UTC 4 years ago

Squid bless ya - and your sister, and her wife. May they be happy together for a long long time.

I'm so sad this is such a Thing for people. And as you say, it seems like such a simple church/state issue.

February 18 2013, 17:42:28 UTC 4 years ago

It really does.

hoppytoad79

November 3 2012, 00:55:10 UTC 4 years ago

This kind of shit is why I've wanted to move to another country for years (if only I were fabulously wealthy instead of stunningly gorgeous...). I'm technically a conservative Christian (long story) and I'm 100% against any kind of federal law or amendment to the Constitution. I also think that all states should have something in their constitutions about how marriage is a union between two consenting adults, or something along those lines. That rules out beastiality, pedophilia, marriage to inanimate objects, polygamy, and all the other things the screaming heads say will happen if gay marriage is legalized. I forget the name of the guy who came up with it, but marriage to a box turtle remains my favorite prediction of what will happen if gay marriage is legalized.

This article about rape and 'God's Will' has a great quote from Rabbi Harold Kushner that's applicable for the current situation of Fundies making their beliefs law:

“If you believe she has no right to terminate that pregnancy, you're free to believe that,” Kushner said. “But for you to write your preferences into law and compel another person to mess her life up because of what you believe, I think you're going too far.”

“I continue to be bemused by the ultraconservative lawmakers who say they want smaller government and less government intrusion into people’s lives, except when it comes to who you can marry and how many children you should have.”

February 18 2013, 17:51:49 UTC 4 years ago

I agree with all of this.

vincentursus

November 3 2012, 01:07:12 UTC 4 years ago

That was lovely.

I would enjoy an audio version, I think it could become an Internet Meme as a youtube video.

February 18 2013, 17:51:54 UTC 4 years ago

Aw.

wfw_sj

November 3 2012, 01:10:51 UTC 4 years ago

As a member of no church, I hereby bless all who have found the love of their lives, and wish the same for all others!

February 18 2013, 17:52:02 UTC 4 years ago

Yay!

tygerversionx

November 3 2012, 01:43:04 UTC 4 years ago

Sorry if this has been answered, I don't have time to climb through all the comments yet, but .... this has made me think. Are a certain couple in the Toby books based off your sister?

'Cause that would be a really cool literary present. :D

February 18 2013, 17:52:31 UTC 4 years ago

No, they're not; they actually pre-date my sister and her wife (and me having a decent relationship with my sister, which I didn't for years).

darkangel_wings

November 3 2012, 02:51:54 UTC 4 years ago

I'm very happy for your sister, her wife, and for your whole family. :)

And I completely agree with you that it's horrible that anyone feels it's their duty to forbid people like your sister and her wife to be married.

February 18 2013, 17:52:54 UTC 4 years ago

I'm happy for them too.

dharawal

November 3 2012, 03:23:37 UTC 4 years ago Edited: November 3 2012, 03:26:22 UTC

Here in Australia we are woefully behind, at the best some states, including my own offer a registration of a Civil Partnership, this covers the legal bits, like superannuation, visiting rights in hospitals and stuff, but it's not a marriage, to me it's on par with registering your dog and it's wrong.

But it's all we have, and some states even want to roll that back, we have some vocal minority religious nutjob factions over here who get more air time than their numbers deserve, in spite of the fact that every poll for the last 4 years has shown that Australians support legalising same sex marriages with a whopping 70% saying its ok, the Government still won't pass the law.

My youngest daughter and her partner registered their partnership the instant it became legal to do so in the state they are living in, sadly it looks like that state is going to repeal that act and thus render all those ceremonies and gains useless.

The happiness of my daughter and her partner/wife does NOT take away from your happiness, if the marriage of my daughter and her wife diminishes your marriage then your marriage wasn't that strong to start with.

It makes me so so mad.

February 18 2013, 17:53:08 UTC 4 years ago

Me, too. :(

biomekanic

November 3 2012, 03:45:51 UTC 4 years ago

..and the ground doesn't open up and swallow them whole.

Well I think eventually it will, but that's what you get for living in an earthquake prone region.

Crazy Californians (says the man living in a city where they are expecting an 9.0 earthquake sometime between now and a century from now).

February 18 2013, 17:57:39 UTC 4 years ago

At least it'll be quick!

ducktape74

November 3 2012, 04:10:53 UTC 4 years ago

\o/

Mazel tov to your sister and her wife.

We have a vote coming up on Referendum 74 here in Washington. Even though Governor Chris Gregoire signed a bill that had been passed by both houses of the State Legislature, the blankety-blanks opposing it submitted the issue to public referendum, and now we vote.

I wonder if we'll get past this same-sex marriage legality BS in my life time and move on to some actual important issues, like education, or making sure we have an inhabitable planet in 20+years. You know, the little things. (To clarify, I don't think gay marriage should *have to be important* because no one else's marriage is a political topic - unless they're running for office. Just like it's not, for some reason, a huge deal when conservative mouthpieces get their 2nd, 3rd, and 4th divorces while ranting about other people's morality.)

paksenarrion2

November 3 2012, 22:50:53 UTC 4 years ago

Washintonian here as well and the only thing giving me hope is the number of ads with groups of diverse people supporting a yes vote on Referendum 74. The few no vote ads I've seen are really geared towards the very people that were already planning on voting that way anyway so I doubt it will sway any of the undecided people.

I think the last poll I saw said it was about 60% yes so I am keeping my fingers crossed. (Ballot sent in a week ago and that was the very FIRST thing I made sure to vote for.)

Love is love and the world needs more of it.

And those bigots that are against gay marriage? Need to walk eternally over a hallway strew with cat vomit covered Legos. I love my cat but cat vomit? Is truly disgusting.

4 years ago

dragonsally

November 3 2012, 04:40:37 UTC 4 years ago

*cheers wildly*

February 18 2013, 17:58:03 UTC 4 years ago

*hugs*

groblek

November 3 2012, 05:00:20 UTC 4 years ago

Very well said. There were several weddings in our church during that brief period of legality. Ours is one of the Methodist churches that is defying the national church's stance on the issue, so our minister at the time risked his career to perform the ceremonies, with the full support of the congregation. For me the face of gay marriage is our current minister and her wife, as well as our campus minister and her partner.

Our campus minister is also one of the people whose situation drives me to push for gay marriage to become legal and accepted. She's been with her partner for more than 14 years, and they are raising two beautiful children, but chose not to get married while it was legal here because doing so could jeopardize her career. I know that we'd keep her on as Director for the campus ministry even if she were defrocked (I'm the Treasurer of the Board of Directors these days), but it would seriously hurt her ability to do anything else should she want to move on. I hate that the woman who officiated at my wedding cannot have her own. The love is there whether or not the state recognizes it, but I think that we should support all varieties of loving relationships between adults.

February 18 2013, 17:58:39 UTC 4 years ago

Is her name Kristy by any chance?

thoughtsdriftby

November 3 2012, 05:14:31 UTC 4 years ago

"They're happy, and they're healthy.."

That says it all; good for them.

February 18 2013, 17:58:51 UTC 4 years ago

Yes.

saruby

November 3 2012, 07:13:12 UTC 4 years ago

My partner and I missed the window (we live out of state and the logistics just couldn't be managed). Still, we hope to manage it someday. Maybe before our son turns 18. Interestingly enough none of my married friends claim to have suffered a weakening in their marriage as a result of those states and countries that now afford marriage equality to all. For what it's worth, I prefer the term "marriage equality", because really that is all we are asking for. Equality under the law. Blessings upon your sister and sister-in-law. Keeping my fingers crossed for Maine, Maryland, and Washington.

February 18 2013, 17:59:10 UTC 4 years ago

I hope you get that opportunity.

joecoustic

November 3 2012, 10:47:01 UTC 4 years ago

What a wonderful story! I'm so glad they were able to marry. As someone who has not found love, I have found interestingly enough, that it doesn't make me resentful of ones who do, but see it as something to nurture and cherish if/when you do. I can't fathom those who see it as something to decry or outlaw. Whether they are speaking of the love itself or the commemorating it whether religiously or legally it still throws me that folks are threatened or object.

February 18 2013, 17:59:25 UTC 4 years ago

It's weird, that's for sure.

weasel_of_d00m

November 3 2012, 18:31:14 UTC 4 years ago

Wonderful post, and I am so happy that your sister and her spouse found happiness together.

February 18 2013, 17:59:36 UTC 4 years ago

Me, too.

November 3 2012, 22:52:21 UTC 4 years ago

Beautiful post and congratulations to your sister, her wife and their children.

February 18 2013, 17:59:46 UTC 4 years ago

bunsen_h

November 3 2012, 23:46:45 UTC 4 years ago Edited: November 3 2012, 23:53:45 UTC

I'm glad your sister and her wife found each other. Considering the number of jurisdictions which allow same-sex marriage without any disasters happening to them, I don't see why people keep on coming up with these "oh noooo!" scenarios. (If someone asserts that God is demonstrating His wrath about X's behaviour by smiting Y, I have to say that that person doesn't seem to have a high opinion of His aim.)

aylaelphaba

November 5 2012, 05:16:58 UTC 4 years ago

If someone asserts that God is demonstrating His wrath about X's behaviour by smiting Y, I have to say that that person doesn't seem to have a high opinion of His aim.

That, and your avatar, are awesome XD