What gay marriage looks like.: seanan

What gay marriage looks like.

The election is almost here.

For the most part, I try not to get political, both because I don't have the bandwidth for the arguments, and because I'm just so tired from being angry all the time. But I'm hearing the usual "oh, the bad storm that has done so much damage is because of ALL THE GAY," and according to the Mitt Romney campaign...

"As president, Mitt will not only appoint an Attorney General who will defend the Defense of Marriage Act—a bipartisan law passed by Congress and signed by President Clinton—but he will also champion a Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman."

Gay marriage is now so terrifying and troublesome that it needs to be banned constitutionally? What?

So let me tell you what gay marriage looks like to me.

Same sex marriage was legalized in California in 2008. It was rendered illegal that same year, by Proposition 8, but before that happened, thousands of gay and lesbian couples were able to sign their marriage licenses and take their wedding vows. My middle sister, the one I call Young James Dean, was one of the happy women who took the hand of the woman she loved and promised, legally, to stay with her forever.

It was not a fancy marriage. YJD and her girlfriend (now wife) were both worried that same sex marriage would be made illegal before they could formalize their union. So I, my mother, and my youngest sister joined YJD, her girlfriend, and her girlfriend's family at the city courthouse.

They were both nervous and terrified and ecstatic. They signed their papers and affirmed that they knew what they were doing, and we were all escorted up to see the Justice of the Peace.

It was a hot day. No one was dressed particularly fancily. YJD had a silver sixpence in her shoe that I'd bought from a local rare coin dealer; there were no other wedding accoutrements in place. We didn't need them.

The Justice of the Peace asked if they would do all the things a spouse is meant to do: they said that they would. And they were pronounced married in the eyes of the State of California. Both of them kissed the bride. We had the wedding dinner at Denny's. Bride of YJD's father paid for it. For their wedding gift, I had their marriage certificate nicely framed, and it hangs in their front hall. They are raising Bride of YJD's three children together. They have bought a house together. They're happy, and they're healthy, and if any God really and truly disapproved of same sex marriage, He (or She) wouldn't have shown it with a hurricane: that's inefficient. We live in earthquake country, after all.

But the ground didn't shake. Every day my sister wakes up, loving her wife, and the ground doesn't open up and swallow them whole. They've had their problems—all marriages do—but none of those problems have been scored for Locusts in C Minor, accompanied by Plague of Frogs.

Look: I can appreciate the religious angle. I can appreciate saying "my church says this isn't cool." But my church does think it's cool. My church thinks it's awesome. And the separation of church and state means that giving my sister a marriage license and a big box of legal protection to be used on the day when, Great Pumpkin forbid, something happens to Bride of YJD...that didn't do a thing to change the churches. Individual churches can perform same sex marriage, or not, as their scripture demands.

Young James Dean's marriage has not damaged my relationships, or the relationships of our youngest sister. They have not undermined the lives and loves of those around them. The only thing gay marriage has done to my family is bring us more love, every day.

The world needs more love.

And I am so glad my sister found her wife.

anne_d

November 2 2012, 18:14:56 UTC 4 years ago

New comment

That is a beautiful, sweet story.

Husband and I just celebrated our 29th anniversary this week. Other adults marrying the ones they love certainly hasn't done anything to destroy our marriage. I say pfui to the bigots, and if you don't want to gay-marry someone, don't. Love is love, and the more love, the better.

seanan_mcguire

December 18 2012, 04:41:23 UTC 4 years ago

Happy anniversary!

_ocelott_

November 2 2012, 18:19:00 UTC 4 years ago

Sometimes I wish lj had a "like" button so when I read a post like this one, which is so beautiful I couldn't possibly add anything to it, I could just hit the button to let the author know I appreciated their words without rambling on and on in a horrible and overly long sentence.

February 18 2013, 17:35:58 UTC 4 years ago

Aww. :)

qnofhrt

November 2 2012, 18:34:07 UTC 4 years ago

A friend of mine said it best - "Love is good"

February 18 2013, 17:36:07 UTC 4 years ago

Yes.

bzarcher

November 2 2012, 18:40:07 UTC 4 years ago

'Nuff said.

February 18 2013, 17:36:14 UTC 4 years ago

martianmooncrab

November 2 2012, 19:01:25 UTC 4 years ago

The Heart knows what it wants, and you cant legislate love..

February 18 2013, 17:36:23 UTC 4 years ago

Exactly.

kassrachel

November 2 2012, 19:04:58 UTC 4 years ago

The world needs more love: damn right.

I wish your sister and her wife every joy.

February 18 2013, 17:36:32 UTC 4 years ago

They're doing okay. :)

linenoise

November 2 2012, 19:05:35 UTC 4 years ago

The world needs more love. Three cheers for YJD for finding hers.

And I'm just going to leave this here:

Vienna Teng - City Hall

ladymondegreen

November 2 2012, 20:12:24 UTC 4 years ago

Thank you. That was just what I was going to say, song and all.

4 years ago

dornbeast

November 2 2012, 19:12:03 UTC 4 years ago

I'm not so eloquent. But I voted. And I'd like to believe that I voted to move the world forward - that my vote said, "This is unfair, and I want it fixed."

And even at this distance, just as People I've Heard About On The Internet, it makes me happy to know that YJD is married.

February 18 2013, 17:37:01 UTC 4 years ago

Married, with three kids. Living the dream.

kshandra

November 2 2012, 19:18:18 UTC 4 years ago

bovil and

kproche are fond of noting that they are "constitutionally inconvenient," having taken advantage, like YJD and her wife, of the brief window when the laws were in their favor. May they all continue to have many, many happy years together...and may the nation finally come to understand that none of them are an inconvenience.

February 18 2013, 17:37:13 UTC 4 years ago

Yes, please.

sparrowpunk

November 2 2012, 19:39:20 UTC 4 years ago

Lovely :)

February 18 2013, 17:37:23 UTC 4 years ago

Thank you.

umadoshi

November 2 2012, 19:47:53 UTC 4 years ago

This is beautiful. I'm glad your sister and her wife were able to take advantage of that window of opportunity (and am still horrified that the window has since been closed).

Love=Good. This is not complicated theology.

February 18 2013, 17:37:37 UTC 4 years ago

You'd think not, but...

juglore

November 2 2012, 19:51:01 UTC 4 years ago

That is a pretty story about your sister. I hope they are happy.

February 18 2013, 17:37:45 UTC 4 years ago

They are.

pickledginger

November 2 2012, 19:52:06 UTC 4 years ago

Thank you -- beautifully said.

February 18 2013, 17:37:55 UTC 4 years ago

Very welcome.

starmalachite

November 2 2012, 20:01:24 UTC 4 years ago

Props to your sis & her family. Any deity worth worshiping can only approve of them.

And as for the profoundly silly notion that Sandy was DI on Teh Ghey, -- with a gender-indeterminate name like Sandy, no less -- any deity worth worshiping would have better aim.

February 18 2013, 17:38:18 UTC 4 years ago

Exactly! Any real deity wants to smite you, they'll SMITE you.

taylweaver

November 2 2012, 20:26:47 UTC 4 years ago

Not that I'm at all surprised by your opinion on this one, but thank you for posting it anyway.

For a while, Manhattan Mini Storage had a huge billboard that shared a very useful message:
"If you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married."

Even if not everyone can agree that gay marriage is okay (I wish they could, but they won't), I wish everyone could be respectful of other people's views. Live and let live.

There are many Republican views I disagree with, but very few of them make me scared to have a Republican president. This is one of those few.

February 18 2013, 17:38:50 UTC 4 years ago

Yes. Exactly.

Democrats can ruin my finances. Republicans can ruin my life. I wish this weren't the case.

alitalf

November 2 2012, 20:57:00 UTC 4 years ago

In the UK it still isn't *called* marriage, it is called civil partnership, but at least it has the same legal standing.

My youngest sister-in-law and her girlfriend took their vows almost a couple of years ago, and appear the happier for it. What reasonable person could wish otherwise?

Now I am wondering if a nephew and his boyfriend will do the same. I may be an incurable romantic, but I think that marriage, whatever you call it, is a positive thing for many people.

amber_fool

November 2 2012, 21:08:27 UTC 4 years ago

Can you get a civil partnership if you're *not* same sex? That's always something that's bugged me about the US system - it's so deeply mired in the religious aspect that there's no separation between the civil and religious. And even people who don't have any interest in the religious side are still "married", when it doesn't have any of the religious connotations for them.

Additionally, I like to point out to people that there are any number of churches that I (as a heterosexual) could walk into that wouldn't marry me, either (for being the wrong religion, living in sin, any number of things). Why is it a big deal to add something else to the list of legal marriages that they don't perform?

agrumer

sursum_ursa

Deleted comment

erinwrites

November 2 2012, 21:15:39 UTC 4 years ago

This is beautiful.

*cries*

xo

February 18 2013, 17:39:54 UTC 4 years ago

*loves you*

tiferet

November 2 2012, 21:17:05 UTC 4 years ago

Your sister and her wife are adorbs, too. As is your other sister.

February 18 2013, 17:40:06 UTC 4 years ago

I'm fond of them.

ohari

November 2 2012, 21:27:47 UTC 4 years ago

*huggle* for You and *Huggles* for Your sisters and sisters-in-law.

There is never enough Love. Anything we can do to encourage More Love is a thing we should do.

I do not understand People.

February 18 2013, 17:40:18 UTC 4 years ago

Nor do I.

melissajm

November 2 2012, 21:56:21 UTC 4 years ago

Hear hear.

February 18 2013, 17:40:24 UTC 4 years ago

liddle_oldman

November 2 2012, 22:15:31 UTC 4 years ago

My church (UU) performed same-gender marriages back when they were, even here in Massachusetts, just a deceleration of intent and devotion. Of course, since MA (first!) embraced full marriage rights, we've performed plenty more, including two guys in the congregation.

They'd been together something like 30 years. That ceremony was purely symbolic, too, really -- you couldn't make them any more married.

Personally, I feel that if there is a Person in charge of the entire universe, It has better things to do than watch us clever chimpanzees carefully to see whose peepees we touch. Doesn't it have things like Time and Gravity to make run, too?

I'm happy your sister found her a loved and loving wife, too.

February 18 2013, 17:40:40 UTC 4 years ago

Wow.

lysystratae

November 2 2012, 22:15:32 UTC 4 years ago

Exactly! The whole religion aspect of the argument makes me crazy; I get tired of telling those people that their religion is not the only one around, it is not the only one allowed, and my religion as well as many others disagree. If their church doesn't want to perform ceremonies for gay couples, fine, don't do it, but the ceremony at the church has nothing, NO-THING, to do with the government certification of the marriage.

I would be fine with the government changing what they call their certification, as long as that change is for ALL couples; call it a civil union (after the civil ceremony), call it a marriage, call it ladeda for all I care, as long as that's the name for everyone's union... but ya know what? If they go out and have a ceremony at my church afterwards? it's still gets to be called a marriage, if that term is being reserved for church ceremonies.

Let the Christian fundie nutcases sit on that and spin.

November 3 2012, 18:53:02 UTC 4 years ago

Yeah! As a Christian fundie let me say again Yeah!

mac_arthur_park

November 2 2012, 22:28:18 UTC 4 years ago

That was really beautiful. *sniff*

February 18 2013, 17:41:14 UTC 4 years ago

kay_gmd

November 2 2012, 22:48:00 UTC 4 years ago

Thank You for pointing out that your church is totally cool with gay marriage!!!

My church does, although we're still working on the greater organizational structures.

One of my favorite examples of gay marriage is my pastor and her wife.

February 18 2013, 17:41:30 UTC 4 years ago

Aw, neat.

sirfox

November 2 2012, 23:12:01 UTC 4 years ago

Congrats to them both! I'm happy to say I just (like half an hour ago) voted in favor of Maryland's Marriage Equality referendum.

Really, really, really hoping it passes. It'll be the first state to approve it by popular vote, if it does.

One more domino.

February 18 2013, 17:41:41 UTC 4 years ago

Until they all fall down.

Post a new comment
208 comments

Log in

What gay marriage looks like.

Error