Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: silly
  • Music: Halestorm, "Daughters of Darkness."

Ten things I have learned from horror movies.

I watch a great many horror and monster movies, and have since I was a very small child. This explains a lot. This has also taught me a great many things about what not to have characters do, 'cause it's dumb. I will share some of those things now.

***

10. Do not clone predatory dinosaurs and expect things to go well right out of the gate. Seriously, here. In the movie Raptor, they're trying to clone "dinosaurs with a brain*" to do heavy labor and generally become grunt workers for mankind. Okay, if you're a moron, I guess that's a plan. So they start with...velociraptors. And Tyrannosaurus Rex. Because, y'know, that ten-ton killing machine is totally going to use sentience to go "sure, tiny meat-snack man, I'll work my tail off for you!" If you're going to clone dinosaurs, start with a plant-eater.

(*Meaning "a human level of intelligence and reasoning." Because that's a good idea.)

( 9. While we're on the subject, do not make anything that already likes the taste of people super-intelligent...Collapse )
Tags: geekiness, horror movies, so the marilyn, ten things
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    switch
    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    Help
  • 232 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →

Joseph Hoopman

August 2 2012, 18:05:01 UTC 4 years ago Edited:  August 2 2012, 18:06:55 UTC

Two or three animals that, individually, are dangerous or annoying are not good candidates for gene splicing experiments. Seriously: nobody thinks your sharksquitopus or bearantula is a good idea.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 01:55:05 UTC 4 years ago

Nobody except for whoever runs the programming division at Syfy.

Joseph Hoopman

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

anne_d

August 2 2012, 18:20:46 UTC 4 years ago

*snortles* Yeah, that about sums it up.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 02:04:40 UTC 4 years ago

*curtsey*

angela_n_hunt

August 2 2012, 18:36:59 UTC 4 years ago

This. Is. Awesome. I love this list. I sat here at work and giggled. I'm assuming you've seen Wes Craven's Scream? The horror film geek does an *awesome* monologue mid movie on all the things that are Horror Movie rules. It's fantastic.

melchar

August 3 2012, 00:16:09 UTC 4 years ago

Good reference. I also very much endorse 'Zombieland's' survival rules [especially 'double tap']

lots42

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

hoppytoad79

August 2 2012, 18:37:03 UTC 4 years ago Edited:  August 2 2012, 18:38:05 UTC

*laughs her ass off* Fabulous! Advice we'd all do well to heed. #9 brought to mind Tom Hiddleston talking about Jurassic Park and his impression of a velociraptor, and I'd be a horrible person indeed if I didn't share, so enjoy the silliness.

denisen1

August 2 2012, 21:24:49 UTC 4 years ago

Hysterical, I am DYING of funny! Of course, am also now stuck with image of velociraptor smiling toothily and talking in a British accent about chasing the children through the kitchen ... hahaha!

hoppytoad79

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

hoppytoad79

4 years ago

  • New comment

kyra_neko_rei

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

admnaismith

August 2 2012, 18:42:40 UTC 4 years ago


Always listen to the grubby, pungent street lunatic with few teeth and a bottle in a paper bag, who tells you you're in danger, or that the eeevil thing is here, or that you have a destiny to be the one who conquers the eeevil, or even what place to stay away from.

That lunatic is today's equivalent of the little grey gnome with whom your now deceased older siblings once refused to share their lunch.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 02:05:31 UTC 4 years ago

Seriously good advice.

lots42

4 years ago

  • New comment

cattraine

August 2 2012, 18:52:37 UTC 4 years ago

Regarding the anacondas vs researchers, can you link me? Also, you may like this article...

http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/Dec11/SnakesGreene.html

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 02:13:56 UTC 4 years ago

I'll have to find the article; it was years ago. And neat!

saoba

August 2 2012, 19:00:15 UTC 4 years ago

We have a household rule: If you are in a situation where the question is 'shall we take the flashlight or the fire ax?' and BOTH is not on the answer menu then take the freakin' ax already.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 02:14:07 UTC 4 years ago

I love your household.

cherry_faery

August 2 2012, 19:31:25 UTC 4 years ago

I didn't see any comments about this previously so I will suggest that if you are interested in increasing your survival abilities when it comes to horror movie antics, I humbly suggest Seth Graham-Smith's How to Survive a Horror Movie. (Yes, he's the same guy that did Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.) It's an excellent read!

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 02:14:17 UTC 4 years ago

I love that book!

lauowolf

August 2 2012, 19:47:49 UTC 4 years ago

Also, do not seek to make your computers conscious.
At the very least, fundamentally you want them to be doing the kind of stuff that humans don't want to bother with.
But, why would a conscious computer want to do it?
("I can't be arsed to keep track of the inventory/calculate the orbit/etc, but super-smart conscious computer-thingy has nothing better to do." Not good.)
And it goes down from there.
Why should an AI care what happens to the sloppy meatbags that created it.
Just don't.

Oh, and the Maine Coons don't (overtly) run the world only because it is too much like work.
And proper gooshy food is probably tastier than you are.

archangelbeth

August 2 2012, 22:53:01 UTC 4 years ago

Or, for the AI-lovers among us, don't create the AI and hook it up to anything until you can create the proper emotion circuits that instill a general fond tolerance for those silly human things.

jadis17

4 years ago

  • New comment

lots42

4 years ago

  • New comment

archangelbeth

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

azurelunatic

4 years ago

  • New comment

ohari

August 2 2012, 20:00:52 UTC 4 years ago

Always remember -

1 If you can still walk without clanking, you can carry more weapons.
2 If you have a knife, and you throw it at your enemy, now HE has a knife that you don't have.
3 A pistol is only for fighting your way back to the rifle you never should have walked away from.

cupcakery

August 3 2012, 02:55:41 UTC 4 years ago

Note to self: make some sort of explosive knife, like Hawkeye's arrow that exploded in Loki's face.

batwrangler

4 years ago

  • New comment

ohari

4 years ago

  • New comment

batwrangler

4 years ago

  • New comment
More Expand

denisen1

August 2 2012, 20:32:48 UTC 4 years ago

Thanks Seanan - feeling moody, blue-ish today, this was just what I needed to get back on track.</p>

Just a quick note from an avid high heels wearer. Sure I can't run fast in 'em. But I've got 4 (or so - platforms are in fashion right now) inches additional height if I need to jump up to safety. And - best part - I can take them off super-fast and then have two spiky weapons to work with - yay! ;-)

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 03:40:44 UTC 4 years ago

If you have that kind of practice, go for it! But casual high heel wearers will all be eaten.

denisen1

4 years ago

  • New comment

coyotegoth

August 2 2012, 20:52:49 UTC 4 years ago

Please CC this guy on #10.

hoppytoad79

August 2 2012, 23:26:54 UTC 4 years ago

*shuddertwitch* I truly hope it's just a rumor, and if it's not, I hope the opposition totally buries his plans. Even if he were to 'only' try to clone herbivores, the DNA they have isn't complete, so they'd have to fill in the gaps (I heard they'd use chicken DNA). I'm all for being bold and cutting-edge and thinking outside the box, but ignoring the very real risks and huge gaps of knowledge is reckless stupidity.

azurelunatic

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

azurelunatic

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

phantom_wolfboy

4 years ago

  • New comment

coyotegoth

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

gorgeousgary

August 2 2012, 22:31:05 UTC 4 years ago

Don't mutate the local ecosystem

Now those are words to live by...

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 03:41:23 UTC 4 years ago

That's what Kate says.

drcpunk

4 years ago

  • New comment

dornbeast

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

brightlotusmoon

August 3 2012, 00:31:06 UTC 4 years ago

Re: 6. Paging Homer Simpson from the Halloween episode a few years ago!
http://www.clipupload.com/clip/videos.php/photo/7430//Simpsons-Married_To_The_Blob//si/Simpsons

Re: 5. When my husband was in his early 20s, he accompanied a friend to a carnival which featured a fortune teller in a tent. When my husband entered the tent, the fortune teller looked up at him in sheer horror, pointed, and yelled, "Get out. GET OUT." And he left.
Of course, he has been practicing magic since he was 13, so he does project an interesting aura.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 03:41:37 UTC 4 years ago

Hee hee hee.

alicetheowl

August 3 2012, 00:46:54 UTC 4 years ago

Re: #7

I've just realized I used to walk in a swamp after dark all by myself. I couldn't sleep when it was hot, and my house didn't have air conditioning, so I'd spend my nights walking around the neighborhood and to the swamp out back. No one knew where I was, or that I'd even left the house. Usually I'd get back in time for the coolest part of the morning, and I could fall asleep then.

I am so glad I didn't know that, then. And here I thought I was a fearful kid.

Obviously, nothing terrible happened to me. I saw lots of interesting wildlife, which scampered away at my approach or in my flashlight beam. (When the sky was even partly clear and the moon was bigger than a sliver, it was usually bright enough to go without the flashlight.)

I was wondering why I handled a nighttime walk last weekend so much better than the two women I was with. They had to turn back after a mile and a half, because they were slowly freaking out. I was so proud of myself for being less scared than other people.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 03:41:51 UTC 4 years ago

...I knew I loved you for a reason.

alicetheowl

4 years ago

  • New comment

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

cupcakery

August 3 2012, 02:54:46 UTC 4 years ago

A velociraptor wouldn't even be good for labour; you could punt them across the room with a kick. They're not that big.

I would, however, put the slime from space into a samples bag while wearing gloves. And possibly snurch a Geiger counter from the university.

Also: learn Latin, even if it's just enough to understand that, yes, reading from that book is going to summon something dark and arcane that thinks your spleen and lung tissue are super tasty.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 03:42:35 UTC 4 years ago

Oooh, GOOD points!

kyra_neko_rei

4 years ago

  • New comment

SideshowJon36

August 3 2012, 03:14:25 UTC 4 years ago

Suggested Addendum:

If anyone in your group has gone missing, lay off the weed, the alcohol, and the sex until you find them non-disemboweled. Engaging in any of those activities mentioned WILL get you disemboweled should a serial killer or dream demon be lurking nearby.

Don't try to help the ghosts. You'll only make them more powerful and better able to exact their vengeance (Bag of Bones, The Ring, The Grudge).

Stay out of Maine. There's really no reason to ever go there.

Don't go into some Hillbilly's cabin when your car breaks down. He's not interested in helping you.

drcpunk

August 3 2012, 05:45:55 UTC 4 years ago

Cat Valente's a reason to go to Maine.

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

alicetheowl

4 years ago

  • New comment

dornbeast

4 years ago

  • New comment

alicetheowl

4 years ago

  • New comment

heavenscalyx

4 years ago

  • New comment

alicetheowl

4 years ago

  • New comment

dormouse_in_tea

August 3 2012, 03:31:35 UTC 4 years ago

...honestly, people, if Seanan is telling you not to poke something, put the stick down and back off.

:P

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 14:17:22 UTC 4 years ago

Seriously.

ducktape74

August 3 2012, 03:32:15 UTC 4 years ago

Can I repost this, please (with credit, 'natch)?

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 14:17:33 UTC 4 years ago

Sure!

Charles Ellis

August 3 2012, 04:41:04 UTC 4 years ago

There is another common item of feminine attire that should be avoided, at least if you will be defending yourself with any repeating firearm other than a revolver. That would be low-cut, v-neck, or similarly revealing tops. Cleavage makes an excellent brasscatcher, as my wife can attest. Hot brass landing in your bra can be expected to cause a 1st degree burn, which is likely to throw off your aim on the next shot.

drcpunk

August 3 2012, 05:46:50 UTC 4 years ago

Ouch!

seanan_mcguire

4 years ago

  • New comment

ladymurmur

4 years ago

  • New comment

willibald

August 3 2012, 09:20:12 UTC 4 years ago

"There is actually no damn reason to clone anything from prehistoric times that you can't guarantee is c) not bigger than a house cat"

Remeber the 'Compies in jurassic Park 2 (OK in the book they were venomous as well so would be ruled out by point B).

"If you have giant dragonflies, well, that's very pretty "

And you have giant examples of one of the most perfect aerial killing machines known to man.

seanan_mcguire

August 3 2012, 14:18:02 UTC 4 years ago

Very true.

kyra_neko_rei

4 years ago

  • New comment

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

August 6 2012, 15:30:38 UTC 4 years ago

Me, too.

lots42

August 3 2012, 20:18:15 UTC 4 years ago

"Let's check out that place where all those people died!"

"YAY! Wait, um. No. No."

seanan_mcguire

August 6 2012, 15:30:47 UTC 4 years ago

Yeeeeeeeeeeah.

biteybatgirl

August 4 2012, 16:56:51 UTC 4 years ago

Lmao! This was brilliant. I remember something I read when I was in high school, "10 Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie." This was like that, but better.

seanan_mcguire

August 6 2012, 15:31:02 UTC 4 years ago

I remember that! I think my friend Jess wrote it.

muddlewait

August 5 2012, 05:55:39 UTC 4 years ago

This brings up a genre savviness question for you:

You've mentioned several times that you often have a machete within easy reach. Aren't you worried that this very machete would ironically become the implement of your own doom in a horror movie scenario? I myself have a fantasy-type sword in my bedroom that, while useless for actual battle, would be just perfect for some crazed killer to use to pin my open-eyed cadaver to a wall.

And don't you have a whole roomful of toys constantly staring at you while you sleep? Don't you actively seek out cornfields in which to go walking? Hey... have you struck some kind of *deal* or something? :)

seanan_mcguire

August 6 2012, 15:31:22 UTC 4 years ago

I sold my soul to the Great Pumpkin a long, long time ago.
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →