Dream a little dream of me.: seanan

Dream a little dream of me.

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep—I'm a slow-sleep insomniac, which means that it can sometimes take me upwards of an hour to power all the way down—I found myself wondering, in that half-place that only exists when you're caught between consciousness and Neverland, whether I'm so reluctant to sleep right now because I'm half-convinced that I'm in the middle of the longest, most detailed linear dream I've ever experienced. And that one day, I'm going to open my eyes and it will be December of 2008 all over again, when I was lonely and scared and had no idea what I was going to do about my future.

Anxiety and mild "my series is over, what do I do now" depression aside, I sometimes look at my life and I'm just staggered by the unlikeliness of it all. I had a book come out on Tuesday. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Disneyland with my mother, my sister, and my best friend. I have cats that can be charitably called large, and uncharitably called props from a horror movie. I have a movie option. I'm reprinting my fourth album, because it's almost sold out. I have some of the most amazing, interesting, articulate friends and fans and readers in the world. I have an agent who, frankly, could not be more perfect for me if I had been allowed to design my own agent in a lab.

Even the little details are too good to be true. There's an immensely popular line of fashion dolls modeled on famous monsters; Fringe got renewed; Doctor Who is back on the air; the X-Men are awesome again; James Gunn has a video game about a chainsaw-wielding blonde cheerleader who fights zombies with high kicks and snark. Basically, it's like the universe has been rearranging itself to suit my deepest desires, and if not everything is perfect, that's because too much perfection is unbelievable. The world is trying to add veracity to my dream.

This is why I don't like to sleep very much.

I'm too afraid of waking up.

jenrose1

May 25 2012, 03:10:24 UTC 5 years ago

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<3

I'm with you on being a little scared of the happy. I have a healthy baby who is nursing well and "advanced" according to the developmental pediatrician his sister goes to.

Shiny is reading, oh dear god my baby who can't talk very well and wasn't supposed to have language at all can read. And the internet bought her an iPad and she loves it and talks to us now and doesn't hit as much and maybe, just maybe one day she'll be able to move through the world without us having to protect the world from her or her from the world quite so much.

And my teenager is excited to be living on our property during college with her best buds next year, and we have a good relationship and she often tells me how she's lucky that she has me and not all the crap parents some of her friends have.

And we have enough money that we did not have to go into debt in a year we will spend $20,000 on health insurance and copays.

And I'm even having times now when I'm not in pain.

And the last 7 years have been extraordinarily hard, and I keep sort of blinking, like when a barrier is removed and you stumble because you've been pushing against it for so very long, because suddenly things are getting easier.

And when I heard you'd gotten the movie rights optioned, I actually squee'd. And got goosebumps and all verklempt. Because you totally deserve it.

Is the fog finally lifting? Has the morning finally come? Is it safe to breath and be grateful and enjoy it? I sometimes have that feeling, have had most of my life, when I wonder if I'm going to wake up and find myself back in the the third grade...

seanan_mcguire

May 25 2012, 14:22:57 UTC 5 years ago

All of these things are amazing, and oh, go Shiny, go.

I am so happy for you. I'll stay asleep if you will.

May 25 2012, 16:40:02 UTC 5 years ago

It's a deal!

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