Dream a little dream of me.: seanan

Dream a little dream of me.

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep—I'm a slow-sleep insomniac, which means that it can sometimes take me upwards of an hour to power all the way down—I found myself wondering, in that half-place that only exists when you're caught between consciousness and Neverland, whether I'm so reluctant to sleep right now because I'm half-convinced that I'm in the middle of the longest, most detailed linear dream I've ever experienced. And that one day, I'm going to open my eyes and it will be December of 2008 all over again, when I was lonely and scared and had no idea what I was going to do about my future.

Anxiety and mild "my series is over, what do I do now" depression aside, I sometimes look at my life and I'm just staggered by the unlikeliness of it all. I had a book come out on Tuesday. Tomorrow, I'm leaving for Disneyland with my mother, my sister, and my best friend. I have cats that can be charitably called large, and uncharitably called props from a horror movie. I have a movie option. I'm reprinting my fourth album, because it's almost sold out. I have some of the most amazing, interesting, articulate friends and fans and readers in the world. I have an agent who, frankly, could not be more perfect for me if I had been allowed to design my own agent in a lab.

Even the little details are too good to be true. There's an immensely popular line of fashion dolls modeled on famous monsters; Fringe got renewed; Doctor Who is back on the air; the X-Men are awesome again; James Gunn has a video game about a chainsaw-wielding blonde cheerleader who fights zombies with high kicks and snark. Basically, it's like the universe has been rearranging itself to suit my deepest desires, and if not everything is perfect, that's because too much perfection is unbelievable. The world is trying to add veracity to my dream.

This is why I don't like to sleep very much.

I'm too afraid of waking up.

notalwaysweak

May 26 2012, 13:55:17 UTC 5 years ago

New comment

You're like 'Gillian' by the Waifs:

Oh Gillian, you’re up with the sun
You’ve done a hundred things before half past nine
By the time most folk are up and gone
You’ll be starting on one hundred and one

There’s not enough hours in a day
To do all the things she’s just got to do
When the daylight fades and the night invades
She’s only just begun

(It's a song one of the band members wrote about his mum, and it makes me think of you, because you just tirelessly do all this amazing stuff, and your work has paid off, and this is real, this is true, and you deserve every skerrick of it.

seanan_mcguire

June 3 2012, 19:00:02 UTC 5 years ago

That song is AWESOME.

June 12 2012, 06:08:37 UTC 5 years ago

Isn't it just? I sometimes feel guilty that I'm not that productive but I know I do what I can with my limitations and push as much as I can. And having said that, there's laundry needs doing, so I'm putting 'Wicked Girls' on nice and loud, because housework is so much easier with singing.

Zeenatroohi Kwon

May 26 2012, 18:52:20 UTC 5 years ago

I totally understand. In the past, my anxiety and depression had been so debilitating that I couldn't focus on much outside of my own "nightmares". Now that things are better, I still sometimes have trouble accepting that the good things in my life are mine to have and are not going away. It's worst at night. :-\

June 3 2012, 19:00:20 UTC 5 years ago

It really, really is.

gothicsparrow

May 27 2012, 06:06:28 UTC 5 years ago

If this is a dream, I don't want you to wake up either. I like living in your dream :)

June 3 2012, 19:09:08 UTC 5 years ago

Yay!

thedragonweaver

May 28 2012, 16:45:48 UTC 5 years ago

If it's a dream. could you have dreamed THIS?

June 3 2012, 19:09:18 UTC 5 years ago

...possibly, but not probably.

zombiefruit

May 28 2012, 18:21:46 UTC 5 years ago

I am having such an awesome day... Not only did one of my favourite LJ friends remember how awesome I think you are (or rather, that we share this awesomeness-thinking-you-are - SHUT UP IT IS TOTALLY A WORD) and post to tell me you were HERE... But also Fringe got renewed!

Dancing time!

June 3 2012, 19:09:33 UTC 5 years ago

DANCE PARTY FOR EVERYBODY!!!!!!

June 3 2012, 19:20:23 UTC 5 years ago

5 years ago

June 3 2012, 19:21:50 UTC 5 years ago

PRETEND FOR A MOMENT THAT LIVEJOURNAL DOES NOT THINK DANCING ZOMBIE GIFS ARE SPAM!

It's easier to carry on enjoying life, that way.

lianneb

May 29 2012, 16:33:35 UTC 5 years ago

I know that kind of insomnia well. I had it for years. Now I have apps on my ipod that play soothing waves or rain storms (love the sound of thunder) that lull me to sleep very quickly. Well, faster than the 2 hours it once took me.

Instead, I now have the type of insomnia where you wake up well before the alarm, but close enough that there's no point in getting back to sleep.

PS. Since Blackout hasn't hit the stores in Ottawa yet (don't ask me why, they claim it's coming in on friday), I bought the ebook because I just. Couldn't. Wait.

June 3 2012, 19:10:04 UTC 5 years ago

White noise tends to keep me awake longer, but earplugs (and hence, absolute silence) sometimes help.

digitaleopard

May 30 2012, 07:12:47 UTC 5 years ago

If the universe is taking requests, please submit one for jurassic-park style revival of the dinosaurs. I want my own Tyrannosaur.

June 3 2012, 19:10:13 UTC 5 years ago

Noted.

gwen_ivere

May 30 2012, 07:58:13 UTC 5 years ago

Possible Zombie outbreak?

http://gawker.com/5914059/grab-your-boomstick-the-zombie-apocalypse-may-actually-be-upon-us

June 3 2012, 19:10:22 UTC 5 years ago

kyrielle

June 3 2012, 02:55:08 UTC 5 years ago

You're awake. I remember you posting about those linear dreams, and never once had I dreamed them with you, only enjoyed them after. I'm *in* this one, have *read* these books, squee'ed shrilly enough to disturb bats if any were about the movie rights (AND the NYT bestseller again OMG)....

It's real. It had better be real. I have two small boys who don't get to read your work yet, who are precious beyond words. And in 2008 I didn't have either yet, couldn't even have imagined what they'd be like, so....

It's real. And it's joyous. And, by the way, if the world is providing you your dream while knitting other things around it - I heartily approve. :)