Odd duck, normal platypus.: seanan

Odd duck, normal platypus.

"Can I promise you that I'm going to get better? No. This is what you get, you know. This incomplete person, with toothbrushes, and with rubber gloves, and with so much love for you. But if that's not what you want, then you need to be honest with me, and with yourself. And the sooner the better." —Emma Pillsbury, Glee.

"When I was a kid, I always imagined I'd be normal by now." —Hannelore, Questionable Content.

Before I begin, I want to make it clear that this is not the first time I have talked about my OCD, and the way it impacts my life. I don't talk about it in depth all that often, because it's a daily thing for me. I'm not "normal" five days out of the week, and OCD on Mondays and Thursdays. I'm not cyclical. I am programmed in a way that doesn't quite fit the currently defined human median, and that's how I function all the time.

I started displaying signs of OCD when I was nine, although I didn't get formally diagnosed until I was nineteen. Because I'm not germaphobic (if anything, I'm virophillic) or a "cleaner," it was easy to write my insistence on following patterns and maintaining routines off as just one more aspect of me being a weird kid. And I was a weird kid, with or without the OCD. It's impossible for me to know who I would have been with a differently wired brain, but I like to think that I would have been a version of the self I am now. Just maybe one with a little less stuff, and a little less esoteric knowledge about bad B-grade horror movies.

My diagnosis was almost accidental. I was depressed; I went to see a doctor about my depression; one thing led to another; we arrived at a place that we both agreed matched up with the contents of my brain. (OCD is sometimes connected to depression. Hell, OCD sometimes causes depression, either because you can't keep up with your obsessions, or because your compulsions make you sad. I've had both these experiences. Neither is particularly fun.) I promptly told absolutely no one, because the OCD jokes were already common within my social circle, and I didn't want to deal. But I did start putting some basic coping strategies in place, and things got better. I didn't fly into a towering rage over people being late if we didn't set a start time. I learned to eat food without mashing it into an indistinguishable slurry. The beat went on.

As I've gotten older, my symptoms have matured with the rest of me, as have my coping strategies. I've finally reached the point where I can be less than two hours early for my flight, providing I have a printed boarding pass and priority boarding. I can travel with people who are more laid back than I am (although, to be fair, that's everyone). I can even go for dinner without having a pre-memorized menu (I don't get credit for this one; it turns out you can, with time, memorize a wide enough range of food combinations to be safe within a number of specific cuisines). And I mostly don't take it out on other people when things go wrong.

One in fifty Americans lives with OCD. I won't say "suffers from," because not all of us are suffering; I am not suffering. I am no more or less normal than anyone else. It's just that I start from a different position on the field. Some people with OCD do suffer, because it can be a crippling condition. It's the luck of the draw, the same as anything else.

The dominant idea of OCD is still Adrian Monk or Hannelore, or Emma from Glee. I've been in tears over her twice this season, because it breaks my heart a little when I see her struggling to control something she never asked for, never did anything to earn, and has to deal with all the same. Most people with OCD aren't these stereotypes. They're your friend who always has hand sanitizer, or your cousin who never leaves the house until seven minutes after the hour. They're the guy you went to college with who has a collection of lawn gnomes in his bathroom, and buys a new one every six months. They're your favorite football player. They're that composer you like.

They're me.

I made a comment on Twitter earlier today that I was an "odd duck," because I wanted to dance to a Ludo song at my wedding (no, one isn't planned, I just like to plan ahead). Celticora replied, "You're not an odd duck, you're a normal platypus." I think I'm going to roll with that. So the next time someone wants to be early, or can't leave the house without checking that the toaster is unplugged, or does something else you can't understand but that doesn't actually hurt you, remember, it's a big ecosystem. We have room for ducks and platypi.

Everybody loves a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action, right?

julzerator

January 25 2012, 21:03:24 UTC 5 years ago

New comment

If I didn't already love you I would love you for this post alone. I hide mine pretty well, I think. (mostly)

*sigh*

seanan_mcguire

January 26 2012, 15:48:14 UTC 5 years ago

All will be well, and you are awesome.

gwynnega

January 25 2012, 21:10:28 UTC 5 years ago

I have OCD too (mostly the "purely obsessional" kind), though I had to figure it out by reading about it on a website about OCD coping strategies--no psychiatrist I ever saw diagnosed it! After that, I learned to cope with it. Even more than that, I learned to accept it as a part of myself, which in turn made it a lot easier to cope...

January 26 2012, 16:02:15 UTC 5 years ago

Acceptance is a huge step in the right direction, always.

melchar

January 25 2012, 21:20:55 UTC 5 years ago

Waving to you from an overlapping part of the field! At age 54, I come from the dark ages before modern diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure I'd have been typed as high-function Asperger's as a kid, if such tools had existed. I also have OCD [or 'CDO' ... to put the letters in correct order] ... and I -am- a germiphobe.

When I was 12, my parents were sufficiently concerned that they took me to a psychiatrist. After several months he told my folks, 'she's a little odd, but then we're all a little odd'.

I like to think of myself as warped within very broad definitions of functionality ... but being a platypus would be so very much niftier. ^_^

January 26 2012, 16:02:31 UTC 5 years ago

We get to have beaver tails and bills!

dragondances

January 25 2012, 21:42:23 UTC 5 years ago

You are a wonderful and inspiring platypus, and all of us odd ducks aspire to your mammalian example! :)

It's interesting to read your descriptions of OCD, because when I asked a therapist about it I was just told that I didn't have it. (To be fair, I think she was probably putting aside the lesser issue to focus on the near-suicidal depression, but still- she seemed to mostly focus on life-interfering compulsions and germophobia.) And I definitely don't have it severely, but it makes perfect sense to me that things go in a specific order. If I don't check my websites in the right order, and close all my tabs in the order in which they were opened, then it sort of throws off my morning. And one of the best therapies when I'm upset is to go off and sort/clean things; it always makes me feel better to put my stuff in order. I also thought it was interesting to read all the people's responses about the order of eating candy; I always have to sort them by color and eat the odd ones so that there's the same amount of each, and then go around one by one to keep them even. And my favourite flavours go last, since they're the best! I agree with the commenter on the other post who talked about having the OC without necessarily the D.

January 26 2012, 16:02:59 UTC 5 years ago

Mild OCD can be very hard to diagnose, but it sounds like you're handling things very well. :)

peachtales

January 25 2012, 21:53:21 UTC 5 years ago

In that case, I am also a platypus. Yay! And *hugs*
My platipusness (or would that be platypusity? :D ) expresses itself mostly through needing to make certain before I leave the apartment or go to sleep that the stove is off, the fridge is closed and the water is off, and also that the door is locked. So long as I do those things mindfully, so that I remember, I am fine.

catsittingstill

January 25 2012, 21:59:05 UTC 5 years ago

"Platiposity" is now my new favorite word. Sorry about spelling it differently; it seems to want to go that way, honest.

5 years ago

biomekanic

January 25 2012, 21:58:05 UTC 5 years ago Edited: January 25 2012, 22:01:20 UTC

Speaking on behalf of your fanbase of ADHD, dyslexic, dysgraphic, dyscalculic, depressed, epileptic nerds1, we're glad you're happy in your skin, and like you just the way you are.

1. I figure if they've got that much in common with me, I can be the group representative, since I'm also an extrovert.

January 26 2012, 16:03:24 UTC 5 years ago

Works for me!

stagemanager

January 25 2012, 22:01:33 UTC 5 years ago

Thank you for posting this. (It makes me love you even more!)

I try not to talk about my OCD (or my bipolar, for that matter). People tend to look at me funny. But I also have a very high dose of social anxiety, to the point I am becoming a hermit. Which is fine for me, as I work from home.

I'm rambling again; sorry.

January 26 2012, 16:03:39 UTC 5 years ago

Rambling is totally okay, I promise.

dewline

January 25 2012, 22:22:51 UTC 5 years ago Edited: January 25 2012, 22:23:43 UTC

Presenting for your usage and entertainment... Platypus of Action: The Wordmark!

January 26 2012, 16:03:46 UTC 5 years ago

Yay!

phoenixsansfyr

January 25 2012, 22:56:13 UTC 5 years ago

I'd rather be a fucking odd platypus than a boring old duck, personally.

ALSO, I am inherently a my-room-is-full-of-exploded-things kind of person. I am OCD. I count my steps, and they must be multiples of five. Fives make me inordinately, inexplicably happy and everything must be fives. I have a savings account that auto-withdraws what I need to reach x amount of money for y thing each paycheck, and if that number is not a multiple of 5, I make it one (or when I get the interest added quarterly, it goes UP to the nearest five to maintain my sanity). I have certain pens for certain things - it means I have full-on freakouts if I can't find the pen that I use for that class, or if the pen I use to write my spouse's work schedule in my datebook has gone missing the spouse does not get his schedule put in the datebook until I find it. If we are going to my favorite TexMex restaurant, I have to have a Mexican Martini, have to have queso, and have to have my goddamn chicken soft taco plate with the original mixed cheese (they've changed the standard to white cheese with chicken, yellow with beef, and fuck it it has to have BOTH because that is how it has been for nearly twenty goddamn years). Life is horrible if this does not happen.

It is the way I am wired. My poor spouse is the OTHER OCD, and our house is a constant state of horribly messy or creepy clean. As long as I can find my things and they go where they are supposed to go (and I am learning that 'the giant pile on the extra desk' is not necessarily where everything belongs), he can have his OCD. Gods know he puts up with mine.

Besides. YOU are far more fun as a fucking platypus. Fuck that duck shit.

January 26 2012, 17:12:16 UTC 5 years ago

Agreed. Fuck that duck shit.

wendyzski

January 25 2012, 23:11:38 UTC 5 years ago

I realized today that I'm spiraling into a major depressive episode. I can't stop it, but I've realized it and that means I can do some stuff to head it which should make it less deep than it could be. Perhaps I'm an echidna?

January 26 2012, 17:12:27 UTC 5 years ago

Echidnas are love.

arielstarshadow

January 25 2012, 23:27:24 UTC 5 years ago

I'm glad you put "normal" in quotations. The older I get, the more convinced I am that we are ALL NORMAL - all of us, with our foibles and eccentricities and mental/emotional/psychological illnesses. Which, looked at from the other side of the mirror, equates to THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL. We are each of us unique and amazing.

January 25 2012, 23:59:50 UTC 5 years ago

"Normal" is a setting on the dryer.

bunsen_h

January 26 2012, 00:20:49 UTC 5 years ago

Here's to platypus love.

January 26 2012, 17:12:48 UTC 5 years ago

Yes.

Deleted comment

January 26 2012, 17:13:08 UTC 5 years ago

I would have no problem with that at all. Let me know if there's anything you need.

vincentursus

January 26 2012, 02:02:44 UTC 5 years ago

As someone living with Asperger's I appreciate and wish to reuse that metaphor.

January 26 2012, 17:13:23 UTC 5 years ago

It's all yours.

orcaarrow

January 26 2012, 02:40:38 UTC 5 years ago

I'm glad you are comfortable being who you are!

January 26 2012, 17:13:30 UTC 5 years ago

Me, too.

Yeah...

brightlotusmoon

January 26 2012, 04:32:07 UTC 5 years ago Edited: January 26 2012, 04:32:43 UTC

When I was little, I had dozens of "weird tics" that made people stare. It wasn't until I was in my twenties that my mother revealed I had mild OCD; she didn't want to tell me earlier because she knew I would obsess over it. I already had cerebral palsy, Raynaud's Disease, sciatica, lordosis, anxiety, depression, chronic pain, asthma, and seizures. But she knew I would return again and again to that single diagnosis. It's what I do.

People don't think of me as "typical with OCD." I have thoughts I cannot stop, compulsions I cannot control without strict or forced guidelines, fears and freakouts that seem meaningless superstitions that make me "weird as hell."

I don't suffer from OCD, but I am bothered by it, just like with the ADHD without hyperactivity, and I always wonder what the hell I'd be like without it.

I can barely finish a short story or novel without crumbling in a panic. One of these days, I'd love to have an email exchange with you, Seanan, about how you do it.

January 26 2012, 17:13:57 UTC 5 years ago

Checklists. It's all about the checklists.

January 26 2012, 17:14:19 UTC 5 years ago

I agree with your older daughter. The "CDO ha ha ha" people drive me nuts.

January 26 2012, 17:14:31 UTC 5 years ago

Very welcome.

aineotter

January 26 2012, 05:48:49 UTC 5 years ago

You are an awesome platypus, and one of my very favorite artists in at least two categories, so I am grateful for whatever makes your brain create such delicious stories and music.

January 26 2012, 17:14:41 UTC 5 years ago

Thank you. :)

indilwen

January 26 2012, 06:25:56 UTC 5 years ago

I quite like platypi, and I'm glad you're not suffering ♥

I don't have OCD. I do have bipolar disorder and ED-NOS, and the combination of the two sometimes makes me act like I have OCD, at least according to my friends and family >_> I'm really neurotic about when to eat what, food combinations, food in general, and I share your anxiety over being late. It's nice when things are tidy because they're in control, but I don't go batshit if my environment is a little messy.
I'm not sure if I'm a duck or a platypus or what, but I agree with one of the earlier commenters who said they'd take that over being a "normal" person any day :)

January 26 2012, 17:23:54 UTC 5 years ago

You are welcome in my pond. :)

arison

January 26 2012, 06:37:22 UTC 5 years ago

Have I ever thanked you for the occasions on which you do post about being OCD?
It's a condition that runs in my family and I've been noticing it more and more the older I get. It's really reassuring to hear that people as awesome and successful as you have OCD, know how to live with it and can even use it to their advantage. So, you know, thanks.

January 26 2012, 17:24:04 UTC 5 years ago

kittikins

January 26 2012, 07:00:56 UTC 5 years ago

Lovely response to the world-at-large. I was going to recommend a short story to you and, when googling around for it, found it in a response I wrote to an older OCD post you wrote almost two years ago. What a funny little unexpected pattern. This was a much needed read today- my life has been especially chaotic as of late which means I have spent more time than I normally "allow" reading up on things like radiation and MRSA. I appreciate the reminder that while I have been feeling overwhelmed and "extra crazy" lately that this too is a pattern, and ducks and platypi both swim.

:)

January 26 2012, 17:24:28 UTC 5 years ago

I'm glad I helped!

danjite

January 26 2012, 07:11:02 UTC 5 years ago

As our dear friend Chelfyn is wont to say (of himself):
"The diagnosis is offensive. What I have and is Obsessive Compulsive Order. Besides, it should be "Compulsive Obsessive Order" so it is properly alphabetical."

We love him so...

January 26 2012, 17:24:43 UTC 5 years ago

Hee.

robling_t

January 26 2012, 08:05:19 UTC 5 years ago Edited: January 26 2012, 08:07:00 UTC

or does something else you can't understand but that doesn't actually hurt you

I just wish I could get my mum to understand that and stop complaining when I have to see for myself that the doors are really locked/lights are out/gas is off/etc.. My occasional need to MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE of stuff isn't RE OCD as such (it's hypercompensation for ADHD of a particularly rampaging strain, and I'd like to point out that I've never left the car running overnight...), but it's a very real and heartfelt need, and it does occasionally catch that yes, the whatever was in need of checking, so...

January 26 2012, 17:25:00 UTC 5 years ago

And that one time you caught it should balance out a lot.

princesselwen

January 26 2012, 12:24:51 UTC 5 years ago

Well, my ADD self can appreciate being weird. Anyway, life would be boring if everyone was normal. Points to icon* There's always space for some Lunas in the world!

January 26 2012, 17:25:10 UTC 5 years ago

Agreed!

Post a new comment
132 comments

Log in

Odd duck, normal platypus.

Error

Yeah...