Thoughts on graciousness.: seanan

Thoughts on graciousness.

Recently, I got to meet An Author* who was hugely important to me as a child and young teen. The Author was settling in for a signing, which is, in my admittedly skewed little mind, the only time when it's totally appropriate to go "OH MY GREAT PUMPKIN IT'S YOU OH MY GREAT PUMPKIN I LOVE YOUR WORK OH MY GREAT PUMPKIN YOU MOLDED MY BRAIN AND NOW I AM A GROWNUP ADULT WHO WRITES THE BOOKS AND TELLS THE STORIES AND IT'S PARTIALLY BECAUSE OF YOU OH MY GREAT PUMPKIN." (This is accompanied by vibrating and doleful resistance of the urge to make with the flappy hands.)

I waited until The Author was properly settled, and then went up, introduced myself, flailed a bit, and said, with deep sincerity, "I've read everything."

Without missing a beat, and without laughing or otherwise tempering the statement, The Author replied, "No, you haven't."

It wasn't nicely said. It wasn't kindly said. It was just said, flatly and declaratively, like I would tell you to remove the dead rat from my kitchen table.

I was, to be absolutely honest, floored. The rest of the interaction was awkward and strained, and I walked away feeling utterly dismissed. I had been looking for a moment of connection with someone whose work had been enormously important to my life. I wound up wondering if I should have apologized for my enthusiasm, like I had somehow broken a rule. And that isn't how it's supposed to be.

I've been on both sides of this table. I've done signings where I was tired, where I had a headache, where my feet hurt so badly from pounding pavement all day that I just wanted to crawl back to my hotel room and die (guess which of these was at the San Diego Comic Convention). I know that sometimes, the last thing in the world you want is icepick enthusiasm drilling another hole in your head.

But.

If you have come to see me, unless I am so sick that you're getting hand sanitizer with your signature, I feel that I should answer your enthusiasm with a smile, and say "thank you" until I turn blue in the face. I am my own person when I'm not behind an autographing table. I have likes and dislikes and opinions, and even my best friends in the whole world sometimes make me want to hit them with a shoe. I get grumpy, I get crabby, I threaten to ignite the biosphere. If you accost me on my way to the bathroom, I probably won't be all that charming. I'm a human being, not whatever creator/author construct you may have in your head. When I sit down behind a table and pick up a pen, that changes.

When I am seated behind an autographing table, you get to expect my attention (although how focused it is will be heavily influenced by how hard it is to spell your name). You get to tell me how much you loved (or hated) my most recent book, how much you loved (or hated) that plot twist, whatever it is you want. And yeah, if you tell me you're planning to murder me in an alley, I'll holler for security so fast that you'll believe my teenage scream queen dreams came true, but that's an extreme case.

I'm sure that I, and every author, will eventually cause a fan to walk around feeling the way I felt when I met one of my childhood idols. Sometimes the tired gets through; sometimes the cranky shows. But I am going to hold fast to that feeling, and do my best to remember that graciousness counts, especially when I'm behind that table. Because one harsh word changes everything.

(*Names withheld to protect the innocent, and because "oh oh oh it was THIS PERSON OVER HERE" is sort of counter to the point.)

johno

October 6 2011, 03:50:21 UTC 5 years ago

New comment

At a Wondercon I saw Peter Mayhew making a beeline out of the dealers room. Another fan attempted to stop him. Peter in a rather gruff voice said "Not right now." and kept going.

Fan turn and goes "What an ass hole."

"Dude..." I then turn the guy and pointed to Peter disappearing into the restroom "That's why he *couldn't stop."

re: "If you accost me on my way to the bathroom, I probably won't be all that charming."

seanan_mcguire

October 26 2011, 15:38:45 UTC 5 years ago

Heh.

Yes.

biguglymandoll

October 6 2011, 03:51:47 UTC 5 years ago

"how focused it is will be heavily influenced by how hard it is to spell your name"

You know, even when you're pissed about something, you're just delightful. Thanks for that line - now I need to clean up my drink off my keyboard and screen again.

Hope the next one is better - remember, some of the great authors of all time were complete jerks in person. You really are better than that, which is part of why we love you!

October 26 2011, 15:38:24 UTC 5 years ago

I am glad to be delightful. :) And thank you.

manwe_iluvendil

October 6 2011, 04:32:57 UTC 5 years ago

That must seriously suck big time.

October 26 2011, 15:37:21 UTC 5 years ago

Yeah. :(

kittylady

October 6 2011, 05:13:20 UTC 5 years ago

I am a raging Discworld fan, and I have put in the effort of travelling a few thousand combined miles over the years in an increasingly futile attempt to collect all of the autographs I can get. Every time I've met Terry Pratchett he's been polite and courteous, and you get the impression that when he's talking to you, his complete attention is focused on you.

There is another author, who shall remain nameless, that I have met twice. The first time, I was wondering for a long time if he was just being a dick or if it was just me. The second time, I knew it wasn't me.

It's a horrible thing, to meet someone that you've grown to admire without having met them, and then reality comes in and just spoils everything. I'm very sorry that it happened to you.

thedragonweaver

October 7 2011, 04:54:23 UTC 5 years ago

I went to my first Worldcon for one day at the age of sixteen. We spotted Terry Pratchett in the halls and my mother asked if she could take a picture of him with me. Without missing a beat, he slung his arm around my shoulders and said "Of course you may take a picture of me and my dear friend... what was your name again?" Absolutely classic.

Of course, the second Wroldcon I went to, nine years later, we tried to replicate the picture and told him about the first, and he turned to me and said, "You must have been shorter then." And I had to admit that no, not really... I just kept getting mistaken for a teenager at that con*. Including getting hit on by some kid, a fact I didn't realize until my husband pointed it out to me, snickering all the while.

*You know, I kept getting mistaken for a college student when I was in high school, and mistaken for a teenager when I was in my twenties. So I wonder, when did I actually look my age?

5 years ago

gwyd

October 6 2011, 06:03:17 UTC 5 years ago

On top of his talent and body of work, one of the things that I very much admire about Neil Gaimen, was that he seems to have this attitude towards his fans. I went to a reading where 3 or 4 times the expected number showed up. he was exhausted and jet lagged, yet was not only charming for the reading, but sat up well past midnight doing a six hour signing so no one would be disappointed. I would have completely understood if he'd cut short and gone home or had been grunting crabbily at those of us at the very back of the line, but he stayed on and was still heroically giving everyone a few words and a tired smile by the time we got there. It was so far above and beyond, that it left a lasting impression of sheer awesome.

October 27 2011, 14:21:52 UTC 5 years ago

He is a mighty warrior in the land of not being a dick, is Neil.

alessandriana

October 6 2011, 06:07:04 UTC 5 years ago

Yikes. That's... really not an appropriate response. I felt my own heart drop just reading about it. :\

I've mostly had really good interactions with authors (Jim Butcher and Maggie Stiefvater are delights!), but not always. I had an author once chew me out on her blog because I'd dared to comment that one of her signings (at Comic Con) was right at the same time as panels from a couple TV shows I adore, and I was going to go instead to her second signing on a different day. She then proceeded to inform me, in great detail, about how these shows were terrible television*, with the strong implication that I was an idiot for ever considering them a contender against her incredible genius.

Needless to say, I didn't end up going to her signing.

*Doubly hilarious because I know her to be a huge fan of Stargate Atlantis, which, while a good show, is not exactly high literature.

sheistheweather

October 6 2011, 16:49:26 UTC 5 years ago

I managed to irritate and say some stupidly insensitive and obnoxious things to one of my favorite authors, and the person seems to fairly actively avoid me online at this point. We aren't often in the same physical space, but I imagine things might be similar in that way. I wish I could take it back, because I really admire the author's work, and them as a person. I seem to have done damage I can't undo, and I am saddened about that fact.

sysrae

October 6 2011, 08:15:22 UTC 5 years ago

That is very suckful. My sympathies!

On a quasi-related note sparked by someone else's comment, I think I owe you a (very belated) apology for last year's WorldCon, wherein I awkwardly sort of half-followed you to the bathroom. Sorry!

October 26 2011, 15:24:49 UTC 5 years ago

You didn't follow me INTO THE STALL. Ergo, you need apologize for nothing. :)

vincentursus

October 6 2011, 10:18:56 UTC 5 years ago

Unfortunately being a brilliant author/actor/underwater basket weaver/whatever does not necessarily correlate with being a decent human being.

My sympathies on the unpleasant encounter. *hugs*

October 26 2011, 15:24:15 UTC 5 years ago

Thank you. *hugs*

mel_redcap

October 6 2011, 12:49:20 UTC 5 years ago

...If somebody said to me (about my fanfiction) "I've read everything," I might possibly answer "No, you haven't." But it would be said in tones of glee with steepled fingers and waggling eyebrows, and then I would probably proceed to drop evil hints about the reams and reams of Stuff still developing in my head.

I have had a few people do the online equivalent of walking up to me and fangirling, and it is AWESOME. It is the biggest ego boost ever, it is often a much-needed kick in the tuchus when depression is hitting harder than I realise, and it is always, ALWAYS welcome. But it's often prefaced with "I hope you don't think this is creepy, but--" or "Please don't be offended, but--", and I think it's sad that comments that boil down to "I love your stuff" need to be phrased that way because someone, somewhere, was a dick about it. Sheesh. I have ambitions to be a Real Darn Author, and if I ever reach the glorious heights of con attendance or book signings I WILL DAMN WELL BE NICE TO EVERYONE!

That said: Seanan, I haven't read everything of yours. But I plan to. :)

October 27 2011, 14:20:24 UTC 5 years ago

Well, yay. :) You get on that.

kyrielle

October 6 2011, 14:11:00 UTC 5 years ago

I am so, so sorry you had to deal with that. :( That's just...even on a bad day, that's sort of over the line where it should be recognizable as a bad thing to say without any qualification, IMO.

I don't make it to many signings - signatures aren't that critical to me, and I'm horribly *shy* of meeting authors I don't know. (Readings, now, those are another matter!) This is probably influenced by, like, the second signing I ever went to, where the author was glancing briefly at each person, not saying hi, asking if there was anything special needed, and scribbling in a signature. Exactly the sort of signing with *no* value to me as a reader at all. (It was, on the other hand, an evening bookstore signing and it is quite possible they had been go-go-going all day and were just too exhausted for words. I wasn't offended. But I didn't see the point, either.)

October 27 2011, 14:20:03 UTC 5 years ago

I try to be more interactive than that, or apologize at the start. (IE, "this is my third signing in a day and I have the jetlag, so I can either speak coherent English OR spell your name correctly, pick one.")

smoooom

October 6 2011, 16:08:18 UTC 5 years ago

There are some writers who I no longer read, and some I never will why? because after working with them at cons I just couldn't believe their arrogance and rudeness. The same applies to a few filkers, not many but some. Those like you and many others who are polite and kind I go out of my way to recommend.

I remember the first time some one said to me I love your music. I looked behind me, and then back and kind of squeaked "rally?" I'm better at handling those very few comments these days, but I don't think I'd ever get used to them.

I love the way you and other writers I know take your work so seriously, you value your fans/readers and it shows. I understand why you didn't tell us who you where slammed by, but I wish I knew so I could avoid his.her books. (g)

October 26 2011, 19:31:09 UTC 5 years ago

Thank you.

hasufin

October 6 2011, 16:26:47 UTC 5 years ago

I hear it's not uncommon for authors to be, well, really complete assholes in person. For the record, you are not one of those authors - in my own experience you are a wonderful, witty and pleasant person to be around.

Sometimes you can trigger rude behavior through no fault of your own. You don't know if maybe the Author had an argument ten minutes ago about how many books they had published, and your innocuous statement was an accidental echo of something said in that argument. Not your fault, but it still happens.

I think, if I understand correctly, that an author ought to be friendly and polite while at signing events. I mean, these events are publicity for the author and hopefully promote book sales, right? Sitting there and pissing off fans is kinda counterproductive, I think. We do screw up - I've said some decidedly "ungracious" things after 12 hours of answering the same question over and over, and I was being paid overtime - but I think you're right, graciousness counts.

October 26 2011, 15:36:47 UTC 5 years ago

Oh, I totally realize I may have said something and triggered a bad response. The issue is that I don't know that; she didn't tell me. So I just wound up feeling hurt.

Graciousness is essential.

Deleted comment

October 26 2011, 15:18:54 UTC 5 years ago

Sigh.

Sad but true.

dandelion_diva

October 7 2011, 08:14:14 UTC 5 years ago

I will never understand people who are asses to their fans. These are the people who are telling you they like/love your work. How can that ever be a bad thing?

I'm not saying that people who cross lines and/or become creepy/stalkery should be given a pass. I'm saying the non-creepy, non-line-crossers should be treated with respect.

I'm glad the majority of authors (and other artists) get this.

October 26 2011, 15:19:47 UTC 5 years ago

Me, too.

supersniffles

October 7 2011, 11:08:41 UTC 5 years ago

I met Anne McCaffery at Interaction. I handed her my book, she signed it, and I blurted "You were the first fantasy author I ever read, thank you!!!" Then I burst into tears and ran away.
I like to think she was smiling as I bolted, but I didn't stay long enough for her to do *anything*.
If you have agreed to do an autograph session, you have agreed to interact with your public. If you don't want to smile and nod at them, DO NOT agree to do autograph sessions!!!!
(I thought about adding a facetious, 'OMG you spelled my name wrong' joke here, but this is not the time or the place.)

October 26 2011, 19:30:38 UTC 5 years ago

Exactly!

amanuensis1

October 7 2011, 13:39:20 UTC 5 years ago

Effing YES, baby. I have little respect for those who don't hold with graciousness.

October 14 2011, 15:44:34 UTC 5 years ago

Sadly, neither do I. :(

Great reminder

wolffire

October 7 2011, 17:13:42 UTC 5 years ago

Thanks for this. I, too, have had the experience of meeting someone in a setting like this and being floored at how rude and dismissive the Celebrated Speaker/Signer was. I understand how hard it is to keep a happy shiny face on in these marathon sessions of encountering fans or seekers of knowledge. Being tired and cranky is hard to mask sometimes, but meeting enthusiasm and warm regard with a comment like that is uncalled for. (Meeting rude with rude? That's a little different I think, but still dicey for anyone who needs to maintain a public persona.)

Re: Great reminder

October 14 2011, 15:43:55 UTC 5 years ago

It's hard to smile forever. And sometimes, you do have to go "I am cranky, and it's not you, it's my back, it's my lack of lunch, please, forgive me." But just flat-out cranky, with no qualifiers, is hard to get past, at least for me. :(

indilwen

October 7 2011, 18:46:37 UTC 5 years ago

WOW.

That is just so utterly shitty. I guess in the back of my mind I always figured that there had to be people who would act that way, but it doesn't make it any less disappointing to hear about. And the fact that The Author treated you like that, when you're always so damn sweet to your fans, kind of makes me want to find them and hit them in the head with something.

October 11 2011, 20:09:49 UTC 5 years ago

Head-hitting is mean. Settle for tactic disapproval.

kay_gmd

October 9 2011, 07:03:39 UTC 5 years ago

I think this is a symptom of pat of why your fan base loves you so much.
You respect that your readers are worth interacting with, or at least you seem to.

At Worldcon even at times that you didn't seem to be on you were friendly and nice.

I don't generally expect this of celebrities, although the filk community in general does it really well.

What this author did was worse than what I would expect, but sadly not by a lot. I remember standing in line at a Trek con, and I suspect by the time he got to me I could have said " I'm going to flash my breast with Dax like markings at you," and he would have just signed my thing and moved on.

October 26 2011, 15:23:24 UTC 5 years ago

The only time my readers aren't worth interacting with is when I am trying to pee.

Also, gack.

Post a new comment
206 comments

Log in

Thoughts on graciousness.

Error

Great reminder

Re: Great reminder

Re: Great reminder

Re: Great reminder