If I were a Care Bear, I would be Hacks-A-Lot.
If I were a Strawberry Shortcakelander, I would be Nightshade Muffin.
If I were a sign of the apocalypse, I would be Crippling Cough.
So I apologize, internet, but I am going back to bed. Also, I will not be answering comments on this post, because oh gods too sick to die.