Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: quixotic
  • Music: Glee, "My Life Would Suck Without You."

In which Seanan learns to make mai tais.

I like mai tais. I find them pleasant, entertaining, and charmingly garnished with obscene amounts of fruit. I also like the process of making cocktails. It's like a fabulous combination of chemistry, alchemy, and, y'know, booze. Plus, it's fun. I like things that are fun. So I decided, what the hell, why not learn how to make mai tais?

This is how my brain works. Be glad you don't have to live with me.

First up, I had to find a recipe for mai tais. I like them with pineapple. Thankfully, Wikipedia is always willing to save the day, and provided me with a page that contained more recipes for the mai tai than one woman will ever need. I settled on recipe #5, the pineapple variation, as my "Mai Tai Scripture," the one true recipe against which all other recipes would be measured. At least until I got bored.

According to the recipe, I needed light rum, dark rum, grenadine, orange, pineapple, and lime juices, and triple sec. (The recipe didn't say that I needed a pineapple, maraschino cherries, a lime, or little paper umbrellas. I figured that part out on my own.) So step two was clearly a trip to BevMo. Yay BevMo!

Now, to work at BevMo, one needs a) a decent understanding of alcohol, and b) a sense of humor. Both these things were possessed by the clerk who came over to assist me in my quest. She found me in the rum section, squinting bemusedly at the assortment of bottles. "What are you trying to make?" she asked.

"Mai tais."

"The mai tai mix is over here."

"From scratch."

Beat. "Are you from the university?"

When in doubt, claim college hazing. "Yes."

"Well, then, you'll want this, and this—"

She was awesome, and quickly helped me assemble everything I'd need to make a truly epic mai tai. She also reminded me to buy the little paper umbrellas, without which, the mai tai could bring only shame upon my household. ALCOHOLIC SHAME. So, y'know, thank you, helpful BevMo clerk! You were truly awesome.

After a stop at Safeway to acquire fruit (and fruit juices), I went home, and discovered that putting all my liquor on the counter meant that I couldn't put my laptop there. My laptop, you know, with the recipe. So I did the next best thing, and called Vixy at home, making her read me the recipe. I started off by telling her the wrong recipe, leading to hilarity when she started asking me to put things I didn't have into the cocktail shaker. Oops. We recovered quickly, and I managed to combine all the correct ingredients. Only...I needed ice, and my ice was frozen solid. Cue me smacking the ice with everything I could find in an effort to chip off enough to fill my shaker. More hilarity.

Somehow, I escaped the ice without injury, and was finally able to properly mix my drink. I put it into a glass. I added lots of fruit. And I called it good.

Mai tai! (And My Little Pony, specifically, Wave Runner from the Sunshine Pony assortment. Not that I, uh, knew that or anything.)

Therein endeth the lesson.

Tags: boozimahol, people make things, silliness, vixy
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  • 78 comments
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kshandra

October 1 2010, 19:11:33 UTC 6 years ago

I love that the photo is staged upon the pumpkin-fucker-orange cat tree.

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:27:18 UTC 6 years ago

It seemed appropriate.

vixyish

October 1 2010, 19:13:50 UTC 6 years ago

The rest of my household were deeply amused that I had been cast in the role of teleprompter. :)

Mai Tai Little Pony! (Let's just get that out of the way now.)

Now you have to make me one, next time one of us visits the other! Or, y'know, more than one. Two. Many.

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:27:49 UTC 6 years ago

I would be happy to make you a mai tai. Although if I'm going to do it at your place, I'll need to pack a cocktail shaker and provide a list of necessary supplies.

tereshkova2001

6 years ago

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saffronrose

6 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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Drunken cantering...

devifemme

6 years ago

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Re: Drunken cantering...

seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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tsgeisel

October 1 2010, 19:15:10 UTC 6 years ago

It sounds like a Mai Tai tasting, comparing the various recipes against the Mai Tai mix might be in order.

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:28:10 UTC 6 years ago

That could be fun. But we'd need a lot more booze...

tsgeisel

6 years ago

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Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:28:23 UTC 6 years ago

The mai tais are not, thus far, flame hazards.

Deleted comment

keristor

6 years ago

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martianmooncrab

October 1 2010, 19:17:56 UTC 6 years ago

I just throw everything into the blender, and make grownup Slurpees.. plus they freeze better for future use.

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:28:48 UTC 6 years ago

Yay!

kathleenfoucart

October 1 2010, 19:21:37 UTC 6 years ago

Oooh, two of my favorite things-- fruit juicy rummy-ness & ponies! :)

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:28:56 UTC 6 years ago

I live to please.

glinda_w

October 1 2010, 19:26:26 UTC 6 years ago

I dislike rum. Really really dislike. So I make chi-chis instead, same drink but with vodka.

But grenadine? weird. (My Platonic ideal of the drink has pineapple juice, coconut milk, vodka, garnished with a pineapple spear, maraschino(s), and the paper umbrella. I have what is probably going to be a lifetime supply of those last items - couldn't find them locally, so ordered from Oriental Trading Co. A box of 144 of them. And acquired Foofy Summer Drink glasses at the thrift store.)

(Oh, for frozen-together ice, put in a (clean) kitchen towel and attack with a hammer - or a meat tenderizer thingy if you have that. :) )

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:29:19 UTC 6 years ago

See, I don't drink coconut milk, and my recipe lacks vodka. So I think it's just variation again.

hasufin

October 1 2010, 19:27:04 UTC 6 years ago

The making of cocktails is a sadly waning art.

I'm surprised, though - you have a shaker, but lack an extensive knowledge of alcohol? I thought usually those went in the other direction?

seanan_mcguire

October 1 2010, 22:29:51 UTC 6 years ago

WorldCon: Reno gave them out to all this year's Hugo and Campbell nominees. So I decided to buy some booze.

kshandra

6 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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hasufin

6 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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aliciaaudrey

October 1 2010, 19:30:41 UTC 6 years ago

I love mai tais. I always get one when we go to a hibachi bar, because a dear friend who passed away from a heart condition taught me to drink them back in my tender years while at a hibachi bar.

I go through cocktail obsessions, which I then force feed (hah) to my cooking club. Last year I figured out how to make really, really, really solid margaritas of various forms (though I am apparently forbidden from making peach ones forever and ever, as they lead to drunken, half nude dancing. My neighbors must have felt VERY lucky indeed that night). Then I moved on to mudslides because my husband is a chick and he usually likes his booze to taste as much like a milkshake as possible (we are forever getting served the wrong drink when we go out). Then I made fruitcake, and if you believe that fruitcake is 1. yucky and 2. not an alcoholic, uh, food, then you have never had a proper home made fruitcake that gets lovingly soaked in a mix of Southern Comfort and bourbon for at least three weeks in my refrigerator before I will even CONSIDER serving it, which I will then top with hard sauce, which is hard because it's mostly rum.

Come to think of it, it's getting close to fruitcake season again.

Then it was bloody marys.

Lately it's whiskey sours, which hubby has come to enjoy.

God that makes me sound like such a boozer. I don't drink often. I just take my drinking VERY SERIOUSLY and it's a heck of a lot cheaper to learn to make my own than it is to drink them elsewhere.

azurelunatic

October 1 2010, 22:18:48 UTC 6 years ago

I think I subscribe to your notion of fruitcakes.

aliciaaudrey

6 years ago

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dornbeast

6 years ago

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saffronrose

6 years ago

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keristor

6 years ago

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saffronrose

6 years ago

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aliciaaudrey

6 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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aliciaaudrey

6 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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aliciaaudrey

6 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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tikiera

October 1 2010, 19:32:12 UTC 6 years ago

It is indeed. I am learning, slowly, because I am the only drinker in my house.

And I fell in love with sidecars, and wow, it's a drink that seems to be 1.) hard to find someone who knows to make it, and 2.0 a drink that can be really nasty if they short change the ingredients.

Yeah! Mai Tai learning!

seanan_mcguire

October 11 2010, 20:49:46 UTC 6 years ago

It's fun!

keristor

October 1 2010, 19:36:06 UTC 6 years ago

At least you found a recipe in English. When I wanted to know how to make a Pina Colada the only one I found was in Portuguese, so I asked Google to translate it. The response started "Take 6 stones and one fragmentation hand grenade..." Now there's a drink to really blow your head off! It turned out that the word for 'cherry' also translates as 'stone', and someone had evidently told it that a hand grenade is colloquially known as a 'pineapple'.

(Apparently the French word 'grenade' means a pomegranate, hence 'grenadine'. I only just discovered that...)

Your Mai Tais sound very pleasant...

seanan_mcguire

October 11 2010, 20:50:01 UTC 6 years ago

...now I want a drink with the potential to ACTUALLY EXPLODE.

admnaismith

October 1 2010, 19:38:37 UTC 6 years ago


Well Done! The Cocktail Satyr salutes you.

And bonus points for knowing that a proper cocktail requires several full servings of fruit so that your booze is balanced with actual nutrition.

seanan_mcguire

October 11 2010, 20:50:18 UTC 6 years ago

Well, yeah. That makes it healthy.

Deleted comment

Re: Couldn't resist.

mac_arthur_park

October 1 2010, 20:41:40 UTC 6 years ago

I love it! May I snag ?

Deleted comment

Re: Couldn't resist.

seanan_mcguire

6 years ago

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bigherman

October 1 2010, 19:59:00 UTC 6 years ago

You know that in the event you make too much homemade Mai Tai for you to safely consume, and duly abhor the thought of tossing it down the sink, you can call me, right?

seanan_mcguire

October 11 2010, 20:50:57 UTC 6 years ago

I will keep you on speed dial.

wendyzski

October 1 2010, 20:24:14 UTC 6 years ago

The ice story reminds me of the Masterpiece Theatre production of 'Mrs. Beaton' - the lady who wrote that amazingly comprehensive Victorian household management and cook-book.

Apparently she and her maid personally tested all the recipes, which led to a hilarious moment where both are in the kitchen - one holding a cookbook and the other a cleaver - and are staring worriedly at a large green turtle that is sluggishly flailing around on the kitchen counter.

seanan_mcguire

October 11 2010, 20:51:14 UTC 6 years ago

Awwww, poor turtle...

mephron

October 1 2010, 21:01:13 UTC 6 years ago

Now I am wondering if there's some kind of Dr. Pepper based cocktail out there which one could crossbreed with a mai tai, and that would be the sort of Ultimate Drink for you.

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:46:57 UTC 6 years ago

If you find one, let me know.

brownkitty

October 1 2010, 21:15:18 UTC 6 years ago

I'm going to have a hard time not referring to them as Mai Little Ponies now. Just so you know ;) And I found a couple of recipes for a Wave Runner.

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:47:10 UTC 6 years ago

You're welcome!

azurelunatic

October 1 2010, 22:19:51 UTC 6 years ago

So, about the part with the spider ... or was that later?

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:47:19 UTC 6 years ago

That was later.

calapine

October 2 2010, 01:38:28 UTC 6 years ago

Why are Interwebs pictures not drinkable? I don't think I've ever had a mai tai; sounds nummalicious.

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:47:32 UTC 6 years ago

If you ever make it to my place, I'll mix you one.

tygerversionx

October 2 2010, 04:18:49 UTC 6 years ago

*laugh*

ALCOHOLIC SHAME UPON THY HOUSE!

*falls over under desk*

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:47:43 UTC 6 years ago

Well, it was a concern...

dormouse_in_tea

October 2 2010, 05:40:47 UTC 6 years ago

. . .

oddly personal question, feel free to ignore, but. . . do you have a hands free headset for your phone? Or were you doing all this alcoholic madness while trying to keep a cell phone clamped to your ear? Including the ice?

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:47:58 UTC 6 years ago

I do not have a hands free headset!

dormouse_in_tea

6 years ago

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dornbeast

October 2 2010, 06:57:41 UTC 6 years ago

"When in doubt, claim college hazing."

Somehow, I can see Toby using that as an excuse for something one of these days.

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:48:06 UTC 6 years ago

So can I!

saffronrose

October 2 2010, 07:47:45 UTC 6 years ago

I like mai tais & daquiris--rum drinks for me!
I don't drink/use clear rum any more, and Bacardi's not at all any more. Pusser's Navy Rum, Mt. Gay--those are the mixers I use (Trader Joe's!). My husband has discovered some sipping rums, and those are luscious.

Yup. Rum and fruit--I don't drink much cola anymore, so Cuba Libres are mostly out. I am a fanatic for hot, strong, ginger ale and ginger beer. I think if I add fruities to that I could be very happy, if non-alcoholic...but rum may mix in there well, too.

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:48:19 UTC 6 years ago

Excellent, thanks for the tip!

An ounce by any other name

amberley

October 2 2010, 08:21:49 UTC 6 years ago

When a recipe calls for a pony of rum I don't think that's what they mean... but whatever works!

Re: An ounce by any other name

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:48:26 UTC 6 years ago

Heeeee.

Whoa! Hold the ice!

phoenixrave

October 3 2010, 23:00:06 UTC 6 years ago

Just a helpful hint from a bartender. James Bond had it wrong! Despite what you see them do at "trendy" spots..don't shake your booze with ice. (Unless, like Bond, you'll have to wrestle a man down, ski over a cliff, pilot a plane or boat, and shoot to kill.) Shaking with ice waters the drink down. Shake the ingredients without the ice and pour into the iced glass. You'll appreciate the flavor!

Re: Whoa! Hold the ice!

seanan_mcguire

October 13 2010, 20:48:47 UTC 6 years ago

I actually sort of like the change the ice makes to the taste. I still get all the liquid...
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