Fairy Tale 101: Are You In A Fairy Tale?: seanan

Fairy Tale 101: Are You In A Fairy Tale?

Congratulations! You woke up this morning in a beautiful full-color wonderland, with cartoon birds designed by Disney and backgrounds designed by Rackham. Which...may be a little worrisome, really, since the chances are good that you went to sleep in a house, not on the bonny green hillside, and that you usually live in a place where gingerbread is not considered a construction material. Don't worry. I'm here to help. Simply answer the following questions to determine whether you've fallen into a world where your only options are "happily ever after"...or death.

1. What is your name?

a) Jack, John, Margaret, or Janet.
b) Peter or Molly.
c) Anything else.

2. How many brothers do you have?

a) I have six older brothers.
b) I have seven brothers.
c) I have one brother/no brothers.

3. How many sisters do you have?

a) I have two stepsisters.
b) I have twelve sisters.
c) I have one sister/no sisters.

4. Where are your parents?

a) Parents?
b) Therein lies the tragic tale...
c) Home. Probably wondering where I am.

5. What time of year does it appear to be?

a) It's a fine morning in May.
b) The dead of winter.
c) I don't know. Summer-ish? Maybe?

6. Say something. What happens?

a) AHHHH WHY ARE SNAKES AND/OR DIAMONDS FALLING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?
b) There's no sound. Maybe I need some hot tea or something.
c) "Something."

7. Your clothing is made of:

a) Thorns and brambles.
b) Cloth of gold and enchanted spider silk
c) A cotton-polyester blend.

8. The creatures of the forest are...

a) Offering me sage advic—HOLY CRAP I CAN TALK TO BIRDS.
b) Trying to lead me somewhere. Should I follow the squirrels?
c) Dinner.

9. An elderly woman warns you not to leave the path through the deep, dark woods. Do you...

a) Leave the path immediately. Can't fool me, old woman!
b) Stay on the path.
c) Deep, dark woods? Screw this, I'm going to the wolf-free, well-lit meadow.

Give yourself five points for every "a," three points for every "b," and one point for every "c."

Now for the yes/no questions:

10. Do you find yourself faced with the urge to rove out?
11. Look to the distance, beyond the misty mountains. Is there a castle?
12. Is it made of glass?
13. Yeah, don't go there. Are you going to go there?
14. When someone warns you not to wear gold in your hair and go to Cauterha, will you listen?
15. Are your shoes made of iron, glass, or something else that shoes shouldn't be made of?

Give yourself five points for every "yes," and one point for every "no."

THE RESULTS.

75-51 points: You are in a fairy tale. You are in a fairy tale RIGHT NOW. How the hell are you even getting to the Internet? Did Rapunzel forget to lock her wifi or something? Anyway, you'll never be seen again. Sorry about that. Watch out for glass coffins.
50-31 points: You are in danger of falling into a fairy tale. Be careful. Carry rope. Really, just wear a hiking pack everywhere you go. IT WILL BE WORTH IT. Trust me. Oh, and avoid spindles, towers, rampion, talking cats, candles, and anyone named "Jack."
30-15 points: You are not in a fairy tale. You probably work in a nice office. You will live a long and wolf-free life.

And they all lived* happily ever after.

(*Unless they were eaten by wolves. Or impaled on fast-growing thorn briars. Or poisoned. Or drowned and turned into a musical instrument. Or killed by a jealous spouse. Or turned into stew by robbers. Or...)

artbeco

September 21 2010, 18:28:21 UTC 6 years ago

New comment

:D Love this.
*massive hugs* as well as a big swat upside for the head for the endings in Feed. You know what I'm talkin' about. Gah!!!!! Not that it wasn't right or well done or necessary, but GAH!!

seanan_mcguire

September 22 2010, 01:44:21 UTC 6 years ago

Eee hee hee hee.

Thank you.

6 years ago

September 21 2010, 18:37:20 UTC 6 years ago

57 and love this.

Though I know it will end up being one of the darker sort of fairy tales where elf does not equal nice.

Just like you said, though I'll probably be turned into a musical instrument by my jealous spouse. And then sold to bandits who have the temerity to play me badly and sing out of tune.

September 22 2010, 01:44:35 UTC 6 years ago

Sorry about that.

apocalypticbob

September 21 2010, 18:38:09 UTC 6 years ago

Awesome!!!

September 22 2010, 01:44:45 UTC 6 years ago

Thank you!

but my name is Peter

maverick_weirdo

September 21 2010, 18:59:16 UTC 6 years ago

and of course I follow the squirrels

37

Re: but my name is Peter

September 22 2010, 01:44:55 UTC 6 years ago

Enjoy!

slothman

September 21 2010, 19:03:25 UTC 6 years ago

Kill the evil witch? Don’t be absurd. Where would I find someone to run my secret police? I just need some time to explain to her that we need a handsome prince as a front man to keep the populace in line, and that’s why I’m here bribing her talking cat familiar with fresh fish.

September 22 2010, 01:45:06 UTC 6 years ago

Ooo, you're smart.

ladyfox7oaks

dornbeast

September 21 2010, 19:42:12 UTC 6 years ago

You are in a fairy tale RIGHT NOW. How the hell are you even getting to the Internet?

If the film Enchanted is any indicator, a smartphone or a WiMAX-equipped laptop might work.

September 22 2010, 01:45:17 UTC 6 years ago

Okay, point.

saffronrose

dormouse_in_tea

September 22 2010, 01:20:37 UTC 6 years ago

I <3 your footnote

September 22 2010, 01:45:26 UTC 6 years ago

Yay!

admnaismith

September 22 2010, 04:00:29 UTC 6 years ago

Huh! Back in my day, we didn't HAVE schoolhouses to walk uphill both ways to! And we didn't have to worry about meeting no sissy-ass "crack dealer" when we went out. We had our hands full worrying about meeting The Devil! And we all knew the day would eventually come when he'd catch on to that "Bet you can't seal yourself in this walnut" trick, and then we'd be in for it!

Our stepmothers used to kill us every day, and throw our bodies in the millrace, and then our sisters would find our bones and make harps out of 'em! And we liked it!

September 22 2010, 05:23:39 UTC 6 years ago

Good one!

tygerversionx

September 22 2010, 04:36:49 UTC 6 years ago

I soooooo want to take this, print it out, and find out if I'm the ONLY one in the office in danger of falling into a fairy tale, or if I'm going to have company ...

'cause I can already tell you I'm in danger of it. Speaking of, time to go read more new Toby, now that I has it.

September 22 2010, 14:26:58 UTC 6 years ago

You should totally do that, and report back.

yellowblackhaze

September 22 2010, 05:25:00 UTC 6 years ago

Right on the edge. I'll have to be wary of any talking cats. I do live in the kingdom of Poison and Flame after all.

September 22 2010, 14:27:09 UTC 6 years ago

That's probably for the best.

September 22 2010, 05:25:45 UTC 6 years ago

I hate to be a party-pooper, but without some magic, human bones make rotten harps: no bones thick & hollow enough for a sounding board.

I really do love the footnote!

September 22 2010, 14:27:31 UTC 6 years ago

Well, that's sort of the point. If you're in a fairy tale, the rules change, and human bones make the best musical instruments in the world.

September 22 2010, 08:34:40 UTC 6 years ago

9a is classic concentrated Seanan.

There was a time when I thought of the whole world as an all-text adventure game, and I would randomly pick up and carry around stuff I found just in case it might turn out to be useful. Then I encountered Taoism and the idea that nothing is often the most useful thing to have, so I consciously started carrying that around instead. But later, I realized that just because one has something doesn't mean one can't also have at least some nothing as well. And vice versa. So now my typical struggle to equip myself for each day's adventures involves making sure I have just enough, but not too much, nothing.

I mean, you can't be ready for everything -- people with full inventories can't even carry a soda back from the machine. And I want that soda.

(Plus, it turns out that allies totally let you get around the limited inventory rule. Allies are awesome. *Way* cooler than stuff.)

September 22 2010, 14:27:57 UTC 6 years ago

Absolutely agreement. Viva la allies!

bunsen_h

September 22 2010, 13:34:48 UTC 6 years ago

How the hell are you even getting to the Internet?

Hey, Othar Tryggvassen managed to find a Twitter feed from inside a Heterodyne story.

September 22 2010, 14:28:07 UTC 6 years ago

Point.

clarentine

September 22 2010, 13:42:44 UTC 6 years ago

You will live a long and wolf-free life.

Awww.

September 22 2010, 14:28:15 UTC 6 years ago

Sorry.

ironed_orchid

September 22 2010, 14:36:58 UTC 6 years ago

a) AHHHH WHY ARE SNAKES AND/OR DIAMONDS FALLING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!?

...is where I started gigging and didn't stop.

I am in grave danger of falling into a fairy tale.

September 22 2010, 19:50:34 UTC 6 years ago

I live to serve!

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