Explaining fat shaming to my mother.: seanan

Explaining fat shaming to my mother.

The other day, I needed to go to the mall to acquire a new bra. This happens periodically. It's a normal thing. I go to the mall for my bras because that's where the Lane Bryant is, and they make the best bras for my particular body type. What's more, I already know which of their bras will work for me and which won't, which takes a lot of the sting out of shopping. I've worked very hard to get to a place in my life where I could say "I need a new bra" and follow it up with "Let's go to the mall," rather than "Let's repair the old one with some safety pins and maybe a strip of duct tape, and I can buy the new one next month." This doesn't mean that I want to spend an hour digging through the racks, looking for the one that's Just Right. I want to know my options, I want to know what I'm buying, and I want to just do it already.

"Isn't this the store that made that ad?" Mom asked.

"Which ad?"

"The one they wouldn't show on TV."

"Oh. Yeah."

For those of you who managed to miss this whole thing, Fox and ABC refused to air a Lane Bryant commercial, saying that it was inappropriate, despite the fact that both networks air commercials for Victoria's Secret. Now, I've seen both commercials, and if you want to talk comparative nudity, well. The new line from Victoria's Secret is actually called "Naked." The Lane Bryant lingerie, on the other hand, covers a lot more, while committing the dual sins of a) being made for plus-sized women, and b) being reasonably attractive. That's obscene! We can't show that to our children, especially not during Dancing With the Stars, a show that features women wearing costumes that are closer to rumor than reality! That would be wrong! That would be...that would...

Wait, what?

Of course, the networks insist that this isn't a comment about Lane Bryant's lingerie being worn by plus-size models, even though, well, it's either that, or a comment on the immorality of wearing bras that come in colors. Rainbow Brite should be ashamed of herself. Meanwhile, over in Victoria's Secret-land, all the models are modestly wearing undies the exact color of their skins, making them look totally nude if you're not paying close attention. Much more modest.

"Why?"

"Because the models were fat, Mom."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"But that doesn't make sense."

"Tell me about it."

The current culture of fat shaming isn't just depressing; it's outright scary. It's dehumanizing. Fat women are "whales" and "cows," not just, I don't know, fat women. Women come in all shapes and sizes! Women are healthy at all shapes and sizes! My youngest sister weighs about fifty pounds more than I do, and she is smoking hot, like a plus-sized Betty Page gone tattoo model. She dresses like she's hot, she walks like she's hot, and you know what? She's hot! She's also healthy, active, smart, and all those other things that some people think "fatties" aren't allowed to be. She looks better at her current weight than I ever would, because she's built that way.

This may be a bit of a shock to some of the folks out there deciding what is and isn't "decent," but not all bodies were created from the same template. If Kate and I were to eat identical things and do identical amounts of exercise for a week, we would not lose identical amounts of weight. If Vixy and I were to each gain ten pounds, they would not distribute themselves in identical places on our bodies. I know people who can gain weight on nothing but broccoli and lean meat, and people who can lose weight on a diet of chocolate bonbons. Fat shaming solves nothing. It doesn't make the world's plus-sized population disappear in a puff of Twinkie-scented smoke; it just makes teenage girls develop eating disorders, grown women lie about their weight, and small children tell their mothers they don't want dinner because they're scared of getting fat.

"That's just stupid."

"I know."

"Those people should cut that out."

Also, on the practical side of things...women are more likely to go out in public, and exercise voluntarily, when they're wearing good bras. This goes double for plus-sized women, who are (surprise, surprise) more likely to have large breasts, and thus need the support and stabilization of a good bra. So if the goal is really making all the fat women into thin women, they should be getting government bra service as an incentive to get out and move around more. Not that exercise is the absolute answer for everyone—that's another can of worms, and goes back to my "not all bodies were created from the same template" point—but hell, it would be a start. Saying "ew, that's indecent" doesn't do anybody any good. Except maybe the viewing public that gets spared the sight of all those "fatties," and well. I'm not so concerned about them in this particular situation.

"I wish they would, Mom."

"Tell them that."

"Okay."

metalkatt

May 20 2010, 23:06:42 UTC 7 years ago

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I'm just praying that someday, those of us who are larger-sized but *don't* have glorious curvy breasts are taken into consideration when it comes to lingerie and clothing, as well. V-necks reach halfway to my belly button. 42-A is not a size bras come in. Yet, since I'm fat, I am doing something "wrong" by not having the D and DD that my mother and sister have.

Crewnecks get me called a prude. Boatnecks, scoopnecks and squarenecks all highlight the straps of the sports bras I have to wear because nothing else will fit. And worst of all, the tummy bulge is 100% visible for everyone because I have no breasts to hold my shirt out. It's easy to look gorgeous when you have curves. When they're the ones on your stomach, it's a bit more difficult.

seanan_mcguire

May 21 2010, 15:33:15 UTC 7 years ago

I have a good friend whose build is very much like the way you describe yours, and I've seen her fighting with clothing. Bleah. Our current fashion culture sucks.

May 21 2010, 19:18:37 UTC 7 years ago

Amen. I did a test once, and to look "normal," (please note quotes) proportionwise, I had to wear a waist nipper and a set of longleg slimmers, pad my bust out to a C, and add shoulderpads. I actually had someone say to me "Whoa, what did you do? You look human now!" -_-

June 14 2010, 18:40:25 UTC 7 years ago

...

Holy crap. I hope you hit them.

June 14 2010, 19:26:11 UTC 7 years ago

Well, the glare that left me could have cut through lead, and I spoke some rather choice words that are not repeatable in public.

Pumpkin on stilts...

jazzminarino

May 21 2010, 22:46:56 UTC 7 years ago

I just wanted to comment to this because I feel the same way. For the longest time, I didn't want to go to LB because of my proportions. I have a large tummy, and that's about it. I have small breasts, small legs, small ankles, everything. Just a tummy. Because larger women are supposed to have larger breasts and thighs, it took me FOREVER to find a cut which would flatter me and show what little chest I had.

I just wanted to say I feel you, and hoorah. I often feel like I'm not the right type of "fat girl." The pants are these big, bow-legged things which because of the waist, I need them large, but I don't need a pair of dressy JNCOs, kthnx...

... ugh, "I feel you" is all I wanted to say.

Re: Pumpkin on stilts...

May 21 2010, 23:34:22 UTC 7 years ago

Out of curiosity, what cut is it that you found looks good on you?

May 23 2010, 17:06:01 UTC 7 years ago

I have been searching to see if I could find my AWESOME shirt, but alas, I cannot.

Basically, shirts like this and this. I have found that the vertical lines actually accentuate what small chest I have, making it look bigger, which thus makes me more proportionate. (I hate the whole thing of "I want bigger boobs" and what not. Truth be told, if my chest were larger, I wouldn't look as much as a pumpkin in stilts.) Because of that, it draws the eye in, making my sides look smaller.

Cuts I can't wear are anything that have a horizontal band, ironically. Shirts like this ironically accentuate my stomach and lack of chest, so I look more pudgy and flat-chested than normal.

Srsly, it took me until this year to figure out how to shop at Lane Bryant. It also took me until this year to find a cut that flattered me and have grown-up clothes. I typically wore a lot of T-shirts or otherwise baggy clothes because I couldn't look proportionate because of the lack of a chest...

... good luck!

May 23 2010, 18:22:32 UTC 7 years ago

Thank you so much! I'll definitely be checking into some of these.

May 23 2010, 18:29:22 UTC 7 years ago

I feel like we should be friends and endeavor the pumpkin aspect together. My original plan for this spring/summer was to go through my closet and pull out everything I don't wear, finish laundry, and assemble the damned thing, but instead, I broke my hand and thus cannot do a lot of heavy lifting.

Off of that tangent, wanna be buddies? I'm cool and stuff...

... besides, if I can find a picture of that brown shirt, I'll totally show it to you!

May 23 2010, 18:38:55 UTC 7 years ago

Oh, wow, major suck. Could still clean out your closet if you had a buddy to help you tote it all to goodwill, I suppose. I just cleaned mine out, and I have roughly five tops left that I can wear. -_- My deepest sympathies.

Sure. I'm a bit of a whiner, and kinda boring, but if you can put up with that, we'd be cool.

^_^ Awesome.

lysystratae

May 22 2010, 15:53:05 UTC 7 years ago

While they're at it, if they'd remember we're not all amazons, either; having my pants stop at my bra is not a good plan.

freyaw

October 5 2011, 12:51:15 UTC 5 years ago

Definitely! I'm 5'2", so not all that much below average height, and I've found that the trousers in the Petites section are only four to six inches too long (as compared to normal people trousers which... well, that's why I shop on ebay, where I can ask all kinds of questions like how long the fly is, without leaving my chair :P )

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Explaining fat shaming to my mother.

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