Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire

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Explaining fat shaming to my mother.

The other day, I needed to go to the mall to acquire a new bra. This happens periodically. It's a normal thing. I go to the mall for my bras because that's where the Lane Bryant is, and they make the best bras for my particular body type. What's more, I already know which of their bras will work for me and which won't, which takes a lot of the sting out of shopping. I've worked very hard to get to a place in my life where I could say "I need a new bra" and follow it up with "Let's go to the mall," rather than "Let's repair the old one with some safety pins and maybe a strip of duct tape, and I can buy the new one next month." This doesn't mean that I want to spend an hour digging through the racks, looking for the one that's Just Right. I want to know my options, I want to know what I'm buying, and I want to just do it already.

"Isn't this the store that made that ad?" Mom asked.

"Which ad?"

"The one they wouldn't show on TV."

"Oh. Yeah."

For those of you who managed to miss this whole thing, Fox and ABC refused to air a Lane Bryant commercial, saying that it was inappropriate, despite the fact that both networks air commercials for Victoria's Secret. Now, I've seen both commercials, and if you want to talk comparative nudity, well. The new line from Victoria's Secret is actually called "Naked." The Lane Bryant lingerie, on the other hand, covers a lot more, while committing the dual sins of a) being made for plus-sized women, and b) being reasonably attractive. That's obscene! We can't show that to our children, especially not during Dancing With the Stars, a show that features women wearing costumes that are closer to rumor than reality! That would be wrong! That would be...that would...

Wait, what?

Of course, the networks insist that this isn't a comment about Lane Bryant's lingerie being worn by plus-size models, even though, well, it's either that, or a comment on the immorality of wearing bras that come in colors. Rainbow Brite should be ashamed of herself. Meanwhile, over in Victoria's Secret-land, all the models are modestly wearing undies the exact color of their skins, making them look totally nude if you're not paying close attention. Much more modest.

"Why?"

"Because the models were fat, Mom."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"But that doesn't make sense."

"Tell me about it."

The current culture of fat shaming isn't just depressing; it's outright scary. It's dehumanizing. Fat women are "whales" and "cows," not just, I don't know, fat women. Women come in all shapes and sizes! Women are healthy at all shapes and sizes! My youngest sister weighs about fifty pounds more than I do, and she is smoking hot, like a plus-sized Betty Page gone tattoo model. She dresses like she's hot, she walks like she's hot, and you know what? She's hot! She's also healthy, active, smart, and all those other things that some people think "fatties" aren't allowed to be. She looks better at her current weight than I ever would, because she's built that way.

This may be a bit of a shock to some of the folks out there deciding what is and isn't "decent," but not all bodies were created from the same template. If Kate and I were to eat identical things and do identical amounts of exercise for a week, we would not lose identical amounts of weight. If Vixy and I were to each gain ten pounds, they would not distribute themselves in identical places on our bodies. I know people who can gain weight on nothing but broccoli and lean meat, and people who can lose weight on a diet of chocolate bonbons. Fat shaming solves nothing. It doesn't make the world's plus-sized population disappear in a puff of Twinkie-scented smoke; it just makes teenage girls develop eating disorders, grown women lie about their weight, and small children tell their mothers they don't want dinner because they're scared of getting fat.

"That's just stupid."

"I know."

"Those people should cut that out."

Also, on the practical side of things...women are more likely to go out in public, and exercise voluntarily, when they're wearing good bras. This goes double for plus-sized women, who are (surprise, surprise) more likely to have large breasts, and thus need the support and stabilization of a good bra. So if the goal is really making all the fat women into thin women, they should be getting government bra service as an incentive to get out and move around more. Not that exercise is the absolute answer for everyone—that's another can of worms, and goes back to my "not all bodies were created from the same template" point—but hell, it would be a start. Saying "ew, that's indecent" doesn't do anybody any good. Except maybe the viewing public that gets spared the sight of all those "fatties," and well. I'm not so concerned about them in this particular situation.

"I wish they would, Mom."

"Tell them that."

"Okay."
Tags: cranky blonde is cranky, don't be dumb, my mom is nuts, so the marilyn
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  • 256 comments
gotta have something to hold those boobs up!
This is probably why I still go "Baroo?" when I see very thin women with huge breast implants. It doesn't fully compute in my brain. I mean, if women want breast implants for whatever reason, that's great, but... implants that are far too big for the body shape is puzzling.
Not just puzzling, PAINFUL... real or fake, that much one-sided weight on a wee frame does Bad Things to your back. Been up close and personal with the large steel cables resulting screaming back muscles... whose owner was very grateful for the massages, and for the eventual reduction surgery...

*sigh* People are *people*. Sometimes they do unhealthy things to themselves in the name of trying to be something they aren't. Such things take many forms. But I for one will like you, or love you, or not, for who you are... which has a heck of a lot more to do with what's between your ears, and what your spirit is, than what shape or color or wrapper you come in or how much you spent on any of that.

And I love the Seanan-mom's approach to it. Don't try to over-analyze it, if it feels like a punch in the gut (and it does, to me), cut it out.

Me? I just cut out TV a long time ago. All of it. Haven't owned one for two years now. Haven't watched *television* on a regular basis in ten.

And I strongly support the rights of all women PEOPLE to look and feel as hot as they want to, and to be well-supported - in whatever respect they're comfortable with - while doing so. Male, female, both, neither, confused, or polka-dotted tentacled Martian. Dammit.

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I feel bad for her too! People don't seem to realize how painful it can be for some women who are slender and very buxom. My husband's friend Jin was like that before she got reduction surgery. She had triple-D breasts and she actually looked like a comic book character -- tiny waist, small hips, very long legs. But she was in constant pain and developed a permanent back problem even after she got her breasts reduced to C-cups.
I worked with a girl who was slender & had a huge bust. She couldn't get free surgery because it was "cosmetic", so she joined the army. The army paid for her surgery because the weight of her bust prevented her from being "fighting fit", She was much happier after the reduction.