Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: nostalgic
  • Music: The "My Little Pony" theme.

My Little Pony is FUCKING METAL.

I was talking to a friend of mine—who shall remain nameless, unless she chooses to name herself, because I don't throw anyone out of the closet unwillingly—who said "I am glad I know you, for I can admit to a person on Earth that I still secretly love My Little Ponies." This, coming less than a week after someone reacted in horrified confusion when I admitted to sharing my bedroom with more than two hundred of the plastic darlings, made me decide that it was time to stand up in bold defense of Ponyland. Because sometimes, a girl's gotta do what the talking horses tell her to do, goddammit.

(Please note that I am not defending Ponyville, home of the current My Little Pony line. The denizens of Ponyland would have beat down these little pink pretenders all the way to the glue factory, where they would doubtless be rendered into cheap, glittery paste that didn't actually hold anything together for very long. No. I'm talking about the originals, the Ponies that started with Megan and Firefly and expanded to encompass Spike and Wind Whistler, and oh, it was one hell of a time...)

Girl's toys tend to be pink, and pastel, and visible from space. Girl's toys tend to be anthropomorphic, and look more like cartoons than human beings. Girl's toys tend to be short on projectile weapons and high on castles and the trappings of a romantic fairy tale past that never really existed. These aren't things that most girls get a say in; that's just the way the toys come. And yes, that's what some little girls want, while other little girls would be a lot happier if they were allowed to play with the He-Man guys once in a while. I was fairly equal-opportunity as a kid—I'd play with anything—but my true passion was reserved for the infinitely expanding stable that contained the My Little Pony world.

My first Ponies were Cotton Candy, a pink horse with white speckles on her rear and pink hair, and Minty, a green horse with clover markings and white hair. Minty wound up getting her tail braided by my grandmother (something I allowed almost no one to do, ever), and became the My Little Pony housekeeping service, because she could use her tail to sweep the floors. The herd sort of exploded from there, growing to overflow shelves, fill a large trunk, and generally make me the darling girl of Hasbro's Marketing Department. If they made it, I wanted it. My room was a sea of pink. And yet...

See, during the 1980s, people were so worried about violence in cartoons aimed at boys that they kept all the censors busy watching GI Joe and Masters of the Universe. No one was paying attention to what was happening over on My Little Pony and Friends. Let's start with the special, wherein a pink pegasus named Firefly crossed the rainbow to kidnap a farmgirl named Megan in order to save the rest of the Ponies. Save them from what?

THE DEVIL.

Because, you see, THE DEVIL was harassing the Ponies, largely by kidnapping them and turning them into GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS. Once they were GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS, they would go kidnap more Ponies, so that THE DEVIL could turn them into GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS. His plan, once he had enough GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS, was to unleash his sack o' dark shit that, y'know, was bad-ass enough to turn magical teleporting unicorns into GFEDs, and bring about eternal midnight. Also, evil. Also, did we mention that the sparkly pink horses were fighting THE DEVIL?

After the My Little Ponies made their entrance by kicking the ass of THE DEVIL, they went on to fight against the evil witches who lived in the Mountain of Gloom. They, like many people, only saw the fact that the Ponies were pink, and never bothered to ask themselves how insanely badass something would have to be to have that little natural camouflage and yet still survive to procreate. My Little Ponies, like poison arrow tree frogs, are brightly colored for a reason, and that reason is to provide an immediate and easily visible warning of the fact that if you mess with them, they will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

The witches unleash the Smooze. The Smooze is like "Yo, I am coming to FUCK EVERYONE UP." The Smooze makes its case by eating the Rainbow of Light, which was previously used to defeat, as you may recall, THE DEVIL. So the Smooze is also pretty badass, and messes solidly with the normal "frolic, nap, frolic" schedule in Ponyland. The surviving Ponies travel to Flutter Valley, where they meet up with the Flutter Ponies, who look like they should be easy to kill with a fly-swatter (and are thus, naturally, the baddest badasses in the world). The following occurs:

MEGAN: Rosedust, Queen of the Flutter Ponies, the Smooze fucked everyone up.
ROSEDUST: Sucks to be you.
MEGAN: Please come fuck the Smooze up.
ROSEDUST: No.
MEGAN: Guess we'll just live here, then.
ROSEDUST: Let's fuck up some Smooze!

Then here's a musical number, and then? Smooze-fucking. Big fun.

The cartoon went on from there, and taught an entire generation of girls that it was okay to be pink and pretty and also FUCK SHIT UP. My Little Pony was like Gormenghast with frills. The boys got bloodless battles and exploding helicopters and moral lessons, and bad guys who never went away. My Little Pony got THE FUCKING DEVIL. And anybody they beat down? Stayed beat down.

My Little Pony is FUCKING METAL, yo.

(Also, for a laugh, check out My Little Demon. I have way too many of these hanging in my house.)
Tags: contemplation, oh the humanity, silliness, so the marilyn
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erinwrites

March 25 2010, 20:26:49 UTC 7 years ago

I love you.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:46:54 UTC 7 years ago

I love you, too.

ladyfox7oaks

March 25 2010, 20:44:14 UTC 7 years ago

SO ... this would be a bad time to show you this?
http://www.ponystars.com/
Where you can buy and sell and breed your own herd of virtual MLP's? And accessorize?

ladyfox7oaks

March 25 2010, 20:52:15 UTC 7 years ago

And of course, there was the cool theme song that used the line,
"Where will you wander?
Hither and yonder,-"

Which is what got stuck in MY head for 30 years...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qONwyLxGaM

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

  • New comment

the_s_guy

March 25 2010, 21:02:43 UTC 7 years ago Edited:  March 25 2010, 21:05:34 UTC

See, during the 1980s, people were so worried about violence in cartoons aimed at boys that they kept all the censors busy watching GI Joe and Masters of the Universe.

And so now, in order to get maximum 80s plastic violence and insanity, there must be...

CROSSOVERS. SEVENTY-NINE EPISODES OF CROSSOVERS.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 17:39:16 UTC 7 years ago

Because people are sometimes even crazier than we think.

Also, that's a G3 Pony. Moondancer would kick her ass all the way back to Ponyland.

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 17:40:49 UTC 7 years ago

There was a whole line of the Ponies with the hiding spots. They always worried me a bit. I mean, had their kidneys been stolen or something? Creeeeepy...

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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supersniffles

March 25 2010, 21:14:37 UTC 7 years ago

I have a My Little Penis drawing hanging above my bed. It was a gift.
It's a of a rearing G3 pegasus pony except that from the 'waist' up it's a penis. I love it!

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 17:41:01 UTC 7 years ago

Hee!

evaleastaristev

March 25 2010, 21:28:06 UTC 7 years ago

I am so linking this to my FB. Because you are SO right.

I haven't kept up with Ponyville, so I don't know what's up with them these days, but yes, the old MLP's made it okay for me to be a girl who KICKED ASS.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 17:41:29 UTC 7 years ago

YAY!

ravens_shadow

March 25 2010, 21:33:36 UTC 7 years ago

I know we had some MLPs growing up, at least one with the flutter wings, and for some reason, I keep associating Apple (peachy-colored body, blonde mane, freckles) with my brother. Maybe they bought that one for him? Or my childhood memories are messed up. I think mine was white with a rainbow mane. We had more, but those are the few that really stick out in my memory.

I was also a big fan of Gummi Bears (bouncing here and there and everywhere), and the liveaction, Kids, INC and the early 90s/late 80s liveaction Alice in Wonderland show--each week she'd step through her mirror to escape some boring stuff in her real life, hang out with the Queen of Hearts and whoever, learn a life lesson, and go home. Sometimes I wish a was a few years older, so I could have caught all of the MLPs and Rainbow Brite and Gummi Bears, but I was still so young that I don't remember as many specifics (though I do remember the Smooze). Ah, nostaligia.

angel_vixen

March 25 2010, 22:35:39 UTC 7 years ago

I still wish I had a mirror like Alice's, as hard as ever I did back then. :)

AngelVixen :-)

ravens_shadow

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

  • New comment

ravens_shadow

7 years ago

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mokatiki

March 25 2010, 21:41:51 UTC 7 years ago

'I'll go it alone!'

I really need to re-watch this. I always like Catrina, or at least, her happy ending. The Glass Princess always scared me though...

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 17:42:10 UTC 7 years ago

She was meant to!

redbird57

March 25 2010, 21:49:23 UTC 7 years ago

This post is awesome.

And now I'm going to dig all of my Ponies out of my mom's attic.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 17:42:22 UTC 7 years ago

Rock on!

professor

March 25 2010, 22:15:33 UTC 7 years ago

Please note that I am not defending Ponyville, home of the current My Little Pony line. The denizens of Ponyland would have beat down these little pink pretenders all the way to the glue factory

*cough*

angel_vixen

March 25 2010, 22:42:42 UTC 7 years ago

That...that...how did I not make the connection about Kim earlier? O.O

<picks up the pieces of her brain, grinning>

AngelVixen :-)

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

  • New comment

hoppytoad79

March 25 2010, 22:24:12 UTC 7 years ago

I think my interest in MLP had waned by the time they started kicking ass and going after the Smooze, because I don't remember that, or maybe the memories are just buried deep and refusing to surface. *shrugs* I loved He-Man when I was three. I don't think I ever had any of the action figures, but I did have at least one book that I made my parents read to me over and over and over. Also loved Star Wars, especially the Ewoks. I must thank my parents sometime for being most awesome and not denying me 'boy things'.

My BFF in nursery school was a kid who lived across the street from me and his younger brother was big into MLP, and I was so jealous of how he got all the cool MLP stuff and I didn't. He let me play with it, though, so that was okay. ;) My family moved when I was four and I lost touch with that family. Wonder what happened to the younger brother.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:03:12 UTC 7 years ago

And see, I wonder what happened to his Ponies...

hoppytoad79

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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sysrae

March 26 2010, 01:27:03 UTC 7 years ago

Right on! My Little Pony was one of several pink-girly-but-still-kickass-cartoons that I remember. Watching TV as a girlkid in the 90s, it was all about She-Ra, Lady Lovely Locks, Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, The Flight of Dragons and (down here in the great and poisonous Land of Oz) The Twins of Destiny, all of which taught me that girl heroes could have adventures in fantasyland, fight evil monsters and still wear a pink party frock if they wanted. Especially Lady Lovely Locks - man, I watched that show again recently, and it's still good! I mean, all the magic is based around hair, but the evil chick is called Lady Ravenwaves, the love interest is a prince who spends all his life bar the night of the full moon trapped in the form of a huge white dog - so, basically a REVERSE WEREWOLF, which, come on, is AWESOME - and there are MAGICAL FLYING SQUIRRELS called the Pixietails who fight COMB GNOMES and an angry henchamn called Hairball.

Yay metal ponies!

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:03:38 UTC 7 years ago

80s and 90s girl cartoons were disturbingly dark sometimes. Also awesome.

markbernstein

March 26 2010, 02:24:21 UTC 7 years ago

This has been highly educational. I had no idea MLPs kicked ass like that.

So, at the risk of being inundated with comments, I have a question. My granddaughter's fourth birthday is next month. If I wanted to introduce her to the MLP world, using currently available products, where would you suggest I start?

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:04:29 UTC 7 years ago

The current line sadly doesn't. It's all about sharing and sunshine and party dresses and learning you can sing by hanging out with cartoon birdies. But the original movie is available on DVD, and that's a great place to kick off the idea of making up your own stories.

markbernstein

7 years ago

  • New comment

droewyn

March 26 2010, 02:41:07 UTC 7 years ago

My first ponies were, in this order, Glory, Medley, Firefly, and Twilight. And they were the PERFECT SIZE for She-Ra figures to ride into battle against the EVIL GIANT BLONDE ROBOTS FROM THE PLANET BAR-B.

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

  • New comment

fireriven

March 26 2010, 03:21:00 UTC 7 years ago

Fuck yeah! This basically had me fist-pumping at work and wishing I had Cotton Candy (my only pony not currently in storage) to display proudly in my cubicle.

Then I got to read your essay aloud to Andy and gleefully corroborate everything in further graphic detailed summaries of the show.

MLP are love. And so are you.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:05:01 UTC 7 years ago

Love you, too, darlin'!

baka_kit

March 26 2010, 06:39:47 UTC 7 years ago

I dream about the ponies, sometimes.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:05:12 UTC 7 years ago

Me, too.

not_from_stars

March 26 2010, 11:56:02 UTC 7 years ago

I love you and you just made my day. :D

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:05:22 UTC 7 years ago

That's a win!

naurwen

March 26 2010, 13:16:00 UTC 7 years ago

You've made me want my ponies back.
I had exactly 3. One was stolen by an evil school mate of mine. On my birthday. The cow. I hope the pony fucked up all her other toys.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:05:39 UTC 7 years ago

!!!

I would have killed her. I hope the Pony did, too.

naurwen

7 years ago

  • New comment

ladymondegreen

March 26 2010, 15:34:37 UTC 7 years ago

The first thing I ever saved up money to buy on my own was the My Little Pony Dream Castle. I think that says it, right there.

I <3 the conversation between Megan and Rosedust.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:05:53 UTC 7 years ago

Yes. Yes, that really does.

wren_chan

March 26 2010, 16:46:57 UTC 7 years ago

*cheers wildly* Testify!

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:06:09 UTC 7 years ago

Yes'm!

miintikwa

March 26 2010, 17:30:51 UTC 7 years ago

I had Minty! I loved the MLP line!

And yes, they were totally METAL and awesome.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:06:23 UTC 7 years ago

Absolutely.

tsgeisel

March 26 2010, 17:37:41 UTC 7 years ago

I'm having visions of a My Little Pony LARP.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:06:37 UTC 7 years ago

Difficult, but potentially bad-ass.

mneme

March 26 2010, 17:42:09 UTC 7 years ago

*googles a bit*
*Watches 'the smooze eats ponyland' and 'the flutterpony queen refuses to help, then the flutterponies fuck up the smooze' scenes on youtube*

Ok, that's...kinda awesome.

seanan_mcguire

March 26 2010, 18:06:52 UTC 7 years ago

SEE?!?

sheistheweather

March 26 2010, 23:08:44 UTC 7 years ago

The cartoon went on from there, and taught an entire generation of girls that it was okay to be pink and pretty and also FUCK SHIT UP.

You rock so hard. <3 Thank you for posting this.

I have an especial love for the teeny tiny twin baby pegasus ponies I hope I still have, and the saddle-opening one I do still have that my grandfather gave me when I was 8.

seanan_mcguire

March 29 2010, 01:46:24 UTC 7 years ago

You're totally welcome.

sistawendy

March 27 2010, 00:23:07 UTC 7 years ago Edited:  March 27 2010, 00:23:23 UTC

The wall of radioactive pink that you see in Toys 'R Us is the product of a zillion marketers all aiming for what they believe is the top of the bell curve of little girls' taste. Unimaginative and bad business.

seanan_mcguire

March 29 2010, 01:47:10 UTC 7 years ago

Sadly true. I was very disappointed in the current Pony line when it became all pink and purple, all the time. The pink Ponies in the original line were very much outnumbered by the rest of the colors (the most common color was actually white).
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