Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: nostalgic
  • Music: The "My Little Pony" theme.

My Little Pony is FUCKING METAL.

I was talking to a friend of mine—who shall remain nameless, unless she chooses to name herself, because I don't throw anyone out of the closet unwillingly—who said "I am glad I know you, for I can admit to a person on Earth that I still secretly love My Little Ponies." This, coming less than a week after someone reacted in horrified confusion when I admitted to sharing my bedroom with more than two hundred of the plastic darlings, made me decide that it was time to stand up in bold defense of Ponyland. Because sometimes, a girl's gotta do what the talking horses tell her to do, goddammit.

(Please note that I am not defending Ponyville, home of the current My Little Pony line. The denizens of Ponyland would have beat down these little pink pretenders all the way to the glue factory, where they would doubtless be rendered into cheap, glittery paste that didn't actually hold anything together for very long. No. I'm talking about the originals, the Ponies that started with Megan and Firefly and expanded to encompass Spike and Wind Whistler, and oh, it was one hell of a time...)

Girl's toys tend to be pink, and pastel, and visible from space. Girl's toys tend to be anthropomorphic, and look more like cartoons than human beings. Girl's toys tend to be short on projectile weapons and high on castles and the trappings of a romantic fairy tale past that never really existed. These aren't things that most girls get a say in; that's just the way the toys come. And yes, that's what some little girls want, while other little girls would be a lot happier if they were allowed to play with the He-Man guys once in a while. I was fairly equal-opportunity as a kid—I'd play with anything—but my true passion was reserved for the infinitely expanding stable that contained the My Little Pony world.

My first Ponies were Cotton Candy, a pink horse with white speckles on her rear and pink hair, and Minty, a green horse with clover markings and white hair. Minty wound up getting her tail braided by my grandmother (something I allowed almost no one to do, ever), and became the My Little Pony housekeeping service, because she could use her tail to sweep the floors. The herd sort of exploded from there, growing to overflow shelves, fill a large trunk, and generally make me the darling girl of Hasbro's Marketing Department. If they made it, I wanted it. My room was a sea of pink. And yet...

See, during the 1980s, people were so worried about violence in cartoons aimed at boys that they kept all the censors busy watching GI Joe and Masters of the Universe. No one was paying attention to what was happening over on My Little Pony and Friends. Let's start with the special, wherein a pink pegasus named Firefly crossed the rainbow to kidnap a farmgirl named Megan in order to save the rest of the Ponies. Save them from what?

THE DEVIL.

Because, you see, THE DEVIL was harassing the Ponies, largely by kidnapping them and turning them into GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS. Once they were GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS, they would go kidnap more Ponies, so that THE DEVIL could turn them into GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS. His plan, once he had enough GIANT FUCKING EVIL DRAGONS, was to unleash his sack o' dark shit that, y'know, was bad-ass enough to turn magical teleporting unicorns into GFEDs, and bring about eternal midnight. Also, evil. Also, did we mention that the sparkly pink horses were fighting THE DEVIL?

After the My Little Ponies made their entrance by kicking the ass of THE DEVIL, they went on to fight against the evil witches who lived in the Mountain of Gloom. They, like many people, only saw the fact that the Ponies were pink, and never bothered to ask themselves how insanely badass something would have to be to have that little natural camouflage and yet still survive to procreate. My Little Ponies, like poison arrow tree frogs, are brightly colored for a reason, and that reason is to provide an immediate and easily visible warning of the fact that if you mess with them, they will FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

The witches unleash the Smooze. The Smooze is like "Yo, I am coming to FUCK EVERYONE UP." The Smooze makes its case by eating the Rainbow of Light, which was previously used to defeat, as you may recall, THE DEVIL. So the Smooze is also pretty badass, and messes solidly with the normal "frolic, nap, frolic" schedule in Ponyland. The surviving Ponies travel to Flutter Valley, where they meet up with the Flutter Ponies, who look like they should be easy to kill with a fly-swatter (and are thus, naturally, the baddest badasses in the world). The following occurs:

MEGAN: Rosedust, Queen of the Flutter Ponies, the Smooze fucked everyone up.
ROSEDUST: Sucks to be you.
MEGAN: Please come fuck the Smooze up.
ROSEDUST: No.
MEGAN: Guess we'll just live here, then.
ROSEDUST: Let's fuck up some Smooze!

Then here's a musical number, and then? Smooze-fucking. Big fun.

The cartoon went on from there, and taught an entire generation of girls that it was okay to be pink and pretty and also FUCK SHIT UP. My Little Pony was like Gormenghast with frills. The boys got bloodless battles and exploding helicopters and moral lessons, and bad guys who never went away. My Little Pony got THE FUCKING DEVIL. And anybody they beat down? Stayed beat down.

My Little Pony is FUCKING METAL, yo.

(Also, for a laugh, check out My Little Demon. I have way too many of these hanging in my house.)
Tags: contemplation, oh the humanity, silliness, so the marilyn
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archangelbeth

March 25 2010, 18:51:10 UTC 7 years ago

... You have just made me desperately want the My Little Pony series on DVD. Or YouTube.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 18:55:44 UTC 7 years ago

Sadly, only the first season is available. But you can get the movie.

warlordenfilade

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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martianmooncrab

March 25 2010, 18:52:50 UTC 7 years ago

the Ponies were pink

I always assume that Pink is evil and not to be trusted, its the color of oppression.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 18:56:23 UTC 7 years ago

A relatively low percentage of the Ponies were actually pink. Although most of their buildings were, I think to hide the bloodstains.

martianmooncrab

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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aineotter

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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aineotter

7 years ago

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marsdejahthoris

7 years ago

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martianmooncrab

7 years ago

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inaurolillium

March 25 2010, 18:56:36 UTC 7 years ago

I love you.

My first MLP was Moondancer, the white unicorn with the purple-and-fuschia mane and tail and the moon and star markings. Cuz dude, horse with a spear on the end.

All my old MLP stuff is long gone, but a couple of years back, a friend found me an original Moondancer, and she is safe and sound in my bedroom. I love My Little Ponies, too. (And I hate the color pink.)

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:07:05 UTC 7 years ago

I still have Moondancer. Also Baby Moondancer. I used to have pearlized Baby Moondancer, but she was lost when I was fifteen, and I would kill for a replacement.

inaurolillium

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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aineotter

7 years ago

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naamah_darling

March 25 2010, 18:57:49 UTC 7 years ago

I love you.

I had about 200 of them, too. I still have most of them, somewhere. Loved them SO much.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:10:11 UTC 7 years ago

I have about two hundred of them, and probably about that many on my wish list. People periodically send me boxes of old Ponies. I add them to the groaning shelves.

naamah_darling

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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naamah_darling

7 years ago

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dormouse_in_tea

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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kthanna

March 25 2010, 18:57:50 UTC 7 years ago

Now you've gone and made me miss my 'My Little Ponies'
I wonder if they're in the back of one of my mom's closets...

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:10:35 UTC 7 years ago

One can hope!

pola_bear

March 25 2010, 18:59:26 UTC 7 years ago

Oh, I want to watch it all again now. This post is really, incredibly awesome.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:12:19 UTC 7 years ago

Hee!

catnip13

March 25 2010, 18:59:57 UTC 7 years ago

I cannot tell you how many times (before the advent of Vampire the Masquerade and the subsequent influx of female RPG players, which was awesome), that I was snidely asked "What do you play? The My Little Pony RPG?" I'll play in your MLP campaign any day of the week.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:12:52 UTC 7 years ago

My Little Pony: The Sparkling.

ladyfox7oaks

7 years ago

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pixxelpuss

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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la_marquise_de_

March 25 2010, 19:00:44 UTC 7 years ago

I strongly suspect that if I were 10 years younger, I'd have been all about those early ponies. I still have all my Pippa dolls (UK line): this was in the days before tie-ins, but I had an imagination, and those girls were all about starting revolutions, overthrowing the bad guys, sword-fights, and running an underground railway. And pretty dresses.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:13:24 UTC 7 years ago

Sometimes pretty dresses are positively key!

Have a wonderful time this weekend. Wish I were there.

s00j

March 25 2010, 19:01:45 UTC 7 years ago

All the ponies say RAWR.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:13:56 UTC 7 years ago

Rock on, my Pony brethren.

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seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:39:14 UTC 7 years ago

Some of them looked less metal. I always figured they were the ones who would mess you up worst of all if you weren't careful...

beccastareyes

March 25 2010, 19:02:52 UTC 7 years ago

I don't remember much about MLP, but I remember the Smooze scared the crap out of me when I was wee. (Actually, come to think about it, most cartoons that had 'someone purposely/accidentally unleashes something that affects a wide area and nearly destroys everything until Our Heroes' fix it were what would unnerve me. I wonder if it was because my childhood self suspected she had the big flashing sign of NPC over her head.)

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:39:52 UTC 7 years ago

Awwwww.

Don't worry. No evil purple goo is coming.

beccastareyes

7 years ago

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pixxelpuss

7 years ago

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beccastareyes

March 25 2010, 19:04:29 UTC 7 years ago

Also, this comic seemed germane to the discussion.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:40:23 UTC 7 years ago

Absolutely so.

emurphy42

March 25 2010, 19:05:26 UTC 7 years ago

Not that the boys don't fuck the Devil's shit up too, you just have to know where to look.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:40:59 UTC 7 years ago

True, but they generally don't get to do it on Saturday morning television.

liret

March 25 2010, 19:10:28 UTC 7 years ago

I still can perform the sea ponies musical number, complete with swishy sea-pony dance moves.

I'm rather proud of this skill, but it is somehow not appreciated by the public at large.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:41:49 UTC 7 years ago

Shoo-be-doo! Shoo-shoo-be-doo!

I appreciate it.

tithenai

March 25 2010, 19:14:12 UTC 7 years ago

OMFG!!!!

My first Ponies were Cotton Candy, a pink horse with white speckles on her rear and pink hair, and Minty, a green horse with clover markings and white hair.

THOSE WERE MY FIRST TOO. And a purple one!! I can't remember the purple one now which is HORRIBLE because she was my FAVOURITE.

This post makes me so happy I can't even say. Thank you!

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 19:15:57 UTC 7 years ago

Was she purple with little semi-starburst-things on her rump, in the same pose as Cotton Candy and Minty?

That was Blossom.

tithenai

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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amazon_syren

7 years ago

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wcg

March 25 2010, 19:18:34 UTC 7 years ago

This makes me glad I bought them for my daughters.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 21:25:43 UTC 7 years ago

Yay!

amazon_syren

March 25 2010, 19:20:40 UTC 7 years ago

I confess, I dressed mine in tinfoil and turned them into an 80s Hair-Metal band.
Not very successfully.
But that was the idea.


Also:
[It's] okay to be pink and pretty and also FUCK SHIT UP.

I kind of think you just defined Femme for me, right there.
Nicely done. :-)

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 21:26:54 UTC 7 years ago

Awesome! I am always glad to be a definition. :)

sibylle

March 25 2010, 19:21:30 UTC 7 years ago

MY first pony was Starflower, and I think I still have about 5 of the 60 or so I owned (the most beloved ones, because they sat on my shelves at all times). Our cleaning lady threw the box the others were in away when I was 12 or 13 or so - that was quite heartwrenching at the time, let me tell you.

I also for a time tried to collect all of Starflower's twins (IE unicorn ponies made in the same mold, thus striking the same pose). I think I have about 3 or 4 of those, but while they're pretty, my old ones with the cut hair always will be more close to my heart than the more recent aditions.

Never saw the TV show! Now you make me all curious...

sibylle

March 25 2010, 19:28:25 UTC 7 years ago

PS: have you seen these? my little pop

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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ladyqkat

March 25 2010, 19:23:24 UTC 7 years ago

Alas (I think - I'm not so sure), I am a bit too ancient for MLP. But I wish I still had the URL to a Care Bears B&D story that was AWESOME.

I am of the Davy Crockett - Mickey Mouse Club - Howdy Doody audience. Pathetic I know.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:37:00 UTC 7 years ago

Not pathetic at all! We all have our origins.

And I've seen the story. :)

graycardinal

7 years ago

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ladyqkat

7 years ago

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kightp

March 25 2010, 19:28:42 UTC 7 years ago

My Little Pony was pretty much after my time, but thank you for confirming something I've always suspected. Because pretty much all the MLP fans I know kick ass...

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:37:28 UTC 7 years ago

No problem!

jadedhazeleyes

March 25 2010, 19:29:06 UTC 7 years ago

Butterscotch! Baby Glory and her mother too! Sundancer! Medley! Surprise/Baby Surprise! My sister has Moondancer/Baby Moondancer, Baby Cotton Candy/Cotton Candy, Firefly/Baby Firefly... My Flutter Ponies broke their wings, but Peachy still has her salon.

And no, I'm not 36, still holding on to my MLPs. {LIE!}
This post made me very happy! Thank you. :P

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:37:53 UTC 7 years ago

You are very, very welcome.

And everybody's Flutter Ponies broke their wings.

windbourne

7 years ago

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janetmiles

March 25 2010, 19:29:57 UTC 7 years ago

You know, I have never cared one way or t'other about My Little Pony. But this essay is fucking AWESOME, and is going in my LJ memories and my del.icio.us bookmarks.

AWESOME.

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:38:15 UTC 7 years ago

See, that makes me happy. :)

angel_vixen

March 25 2010, 19:33:05 UTC 7 years ago

I wish I could have played with you; my older cousin's MLP games were far, far less fun.

AngelVixen :-)

seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:39:34 UTC 7 years ago

I do, too. I was always happy to have another participant. I played with my cousin April a lot, but she didn't get into the spirit very often.

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seanan_mcguire

March 25 2010, 22:40:16 UTC 7 years ago

Agreed. All the happy Pony-people on this post are delighting me.

PONIES!

brightlotusmoon

March 25 2010, 19:56:17 UTC 7 years ago

Fuck yeah!

That's all I have to say.

Also, I need to find those movies. I LOVED those movies.

Also, I was drowning in Ponies when I was little. I would give them mohwaks. I still do. The Christmas after we got married, Adam gave me an orange My Little Pony with pink hair, and I went ballistic with squeals. Then he gave me a Michelangelo TMNT action figure, and I was the happiest woman in the universe for a while.

Re: PONIES!

pixxelpuss

March 25 2010, 22:16:13 UTC 7 years ago

I rewatched the MLP movie (with the Smooze) with my husband and an old friend recently and it nearly broke my brain. It was great.

Re: PONIES!

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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