It is fairly common for authors, on April Fool's Day, to announce utterly ridiculous projects and pretend that they're seriously writing them, no really and for honestly true. So I thought I'd do that this year.

And then I actually looked at the things I do write, and realized that there was just. No. Point. (Also that there was a good chance any "totally crazy ha ha funny right" idea I put out there would magically turn into the next thing I was actually working on, and I just don't need the extra work.) I mean, these are all real projects:

* Teenage horror movie geek discovers that she is, in fact, a werecoyote, horror movie monsters are real, and a serial-killing grizzly bear with a thing for hunting lycanthrope teens is on her trail.

* Hannah Montana follows Harry Potter into a dark alley, beats him up, and takes all his product endorsements before walking into a wall and developing traumatic amnesia.

* It's a romantic comedy. About jet lag.

* Perky blonde cocktail waitress fights to protect the cryptid and human races from one another using the combined powers of bullets and ballroom dance. Also, talking mice.

* Snarky brunette research geek fights to protect the cryptid and human races from one another using the combined powers of pit traps and punk music. Also, talking mice and traveling carnivals.

* The bastard daughter of Veronica Mars and Jareth the Goblin King decides to use Dante from Clerks as her role model, and wasn't even supposed to be here today.

* Bunny-themed superheroine fights the forces of evil (and corporate marketing) with her army of teddy bears.

* Hitchhiking ghost from the 1940s roams modern America in search of revenge and the perfect cheeseburger.

* It's about politics. And zombies. But mostly politics. Except for the zombies. And everyone's named after George Romero.

* Alien pod-plant with a conscience decides to assist the human rebellion in standing up to the forces of her own invading vegetable race.

I mean, this isn't everything—not by a long shot—but the things that aren't on this list aren't any less silly-sounding. I'm not sure I'm allowed to make an effort to be silly. Near as I can tell, silly just happens.

The GIRL FIGHT TONIGHT is down to the final two! In this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, half-human, half-fae, all pretty much pissed off by this entire situation, it's October "Toby" Daye! In the other corner, weighing in at none of your damn business, the best witch in the Ramtops and possibly the world, Granny Esme Weatherwax!

...well, then.

I consider Toby getting the stuffing kicked out of her by Granny Weatherwax to actually be a win, since dude, "wasn't expected to place" girl coming in second, not too shabby. Still, pros and cons:

Toby will win because she's tenacious, surprisingly difficult to kill, and tends to approach all situations as life-or-death, even when they're not. Maybe she's a little over-enthusiastic that way, but still, it's sometimes an asset. Toby will lose because she's fighting Granny fucking Weatherwax.

Granny will win because she's Granny fucking Weatherwax, a witch so good that she rarely needs to use any witchcraft at all. Granny will lose because she mostly goes up against people who want to get into her head, and Toby doesn't want to get into her head; Toby just wants to go the fuck home. Also, Granny doesn't care as much, and might well throw the fight, hence winning by controlling the outcome.

Right now, Granny's in the lead. But we shall see.

Meanwhile, over in the Fourth Annual BSC Review Tournament, Rosemary and Rue has managed to defeat Juliet Marillier's Heart's Blood, with Toby holding on by the skin of her teeth...and is now up against catvalente's Palimpsest in what may well be the girl fight of the century (or at least, the girl fight of the week). I admit, I was hoping we'd be the last two, duking it out atop a mountaintop, hair flying in the wind, being all creepily photogenic. But as this is not to be, I merely urge you to swing by and place your vote. Whichever way it goes, one of us is making that mountain. Dammit.

Girl fight goes on! Soon, only one will leave the tourney grounds alive!