Hello! Would you like to take a trip to Writerland, where all the writers are? You can see them frolic in the Fields of Verb, boldly venture into the Adjective Woods, and sink like stones in the infamous Editorial Swamp (home of the deadly White-Out Anaconda, capable of swallowing both man and manuscript in a single gulp). In an effort to help you survive your visit, we here at the Writerland Tourist Bureau have prepared this handy phrasebook, designed to help you understand our natives a little better.

You Say: "How much do you get paid?"
We Hear: "Did you know that being a writer means it's not rude to ask you about money?"

You Say: "How big was your advance?"
We Hear: "My use of industry jargon means you'll tell me."

You Say: "So when are you going to quit your day job?"
We Hear: "Since you're obviously making pots of money JUST TELL ME ALREADY."

You Say: "Where do you get your ideas?"
We Hear: "I would like it if you would punch me in the face."

You Say: "I always wanted to be a writer."
We Hear: "How hard can it be?"

You Say: "Why do you waste your talent on that trash?"
We Hear: "It's been too long since the last time you punched me in the face."

You Say: "Why do you need an editor? Aren't you good at this yet?"
We Hear: "Punching isn't good enough. Get the cobras."

You Say: "How long are you going to just sit there?"
We Hear: "I've come to distract you! Thank me later."

You Say: "Is it really that hard to be published?"
We Hear: "I would like a double order of cobras, and maybe some scorpions."

You Say: "Did you publish this yourself?"
We Hear: "Make those scorpions radioactive, if you would be so kind."

You Say: "How much writing do you have to do?"
We Hear: "I know you're just screwing around and being anti-social."

You Say: "Will you read my story?"
We Hear: "Litigation is fun!"

Please submit any further suggestions for our phrasebook to the Bureau, and have a nice day!

After a great deal of pointing and clicking, I have managed to reduce my LJ inbox to fifteen items, my Gmail inbox to nothing pending, and my shell mail inbox to sixty-three (which is crazy-good for this particular inbox, you have no idea). This is fantastic, as it means that I can spend tomorrow actually getting things done, rather than doing housekeeping preparatory to getting things done.

I've also cleaning up my 'Fifty Thoughts On Writing' and presented it to my webmaster for eventual posting in the site's Extras section. The idea is to get lots of neat things on the site for people to click on and stare at in a fixed manner, thus leading to repeat visits, thus justifying the amount of effort that goes into the thing. I love my website. I just wish I could wave a hand and make it exist.

In other news, I turned in the edits for my Grants Pass story tonight, and let me tell you, if the editors gave this level of care and kindliness to every story in the anthology -- and I believe they did, they're very good -- this is going to be one kick-ass book. For serious, you so want a copy. It may be difficult to acquire one in the Bay Area, as my mother plans to corner the market, but you should try.

(My mother is adorable sometimes. She says that people should get this book because it's coming out before Rosemary and Rue, and this way when they get me to sign it for them, they'll be able to legitimately say they met me before I was famous. My mother also thinks that Stephen King is going to call me to say 'congratulations,' so I don't credit her much.)

I will now go eat ice cream and watch Sanctuary.