Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: quixotic
  • Music: Pink, "Ave Mary A."

Happy Australia Makes You Die Day!

Once again, my big list o' holidays* says that today is a holiday that is very important to me, and makes a big impact on my life. Maybe not as big an impact as Virus Appreciation Day (October 3rd), which I celebrate every year by not unleashing the pandemic, or Cuckoo Warning Day (June 21st), which is best celebrated by evolving parasitic wasps into telepathic humanoids, but still, it's important to me.

Today is Australia Day.

So today we celebrate the existence of Australia, the continent which proves that evolution did a lot of drugs when it was young. Today we celebrate the fact that Australia is full of things that want to make us all die, the fact that Australia is frequently on fire, and the fact that Australia essentially hates humanity. Specific things to celebrate about Australia include venomous snakes, spiders the size of dinner plates, marsupials, really interesting money, the koala (which will totally rip your face off if you poke it), and the cone snail, which is the size of a man's thumb and can kill you extremely dead. This is why you do not fuck around with the native wildlife of Australia.

Tonight I will celebrate by going to Kate's house to eat tasty Indian food and tell her things she never wanted to know about the many ways in which Australia can render you extremely deceased. There will be expository hand-gestures, and possibly even diagrams. Kate puts up with a lot from me, really. And later this year, I'll belatedly celebrate Australia Day by actually going to Melbourne, Australia, for the glory of WorldCon.

Thank you for existing, Australia! Today is your day. Your venomous, deadly, kicking-your-ass, being eaten by koalas day.

Hooray Australia!

(*I have a list containing a holiday for every single day of the year. Some days have more than one holiday listed. The world needs more excuses for a party.)
Tags: animals rock, australia makes you die, good things, in the wild, kate, silliness
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  • 131 comments

dungeonwriter

January 26 2010, 15:46:02 UTC 7 years ago

It's also my birthday and my mother is from Sydney, Australia. She was going to name me Australia to celebrate the gift, but happily, Dad got her to her senses!

You should mention the giant crocs which can hide in 18 inches of water, the poisonous jellyfish, the poisonous coral, the sharks that think you're "what's on the barbie" and the dingos.

Elle

seanan_mcguire

January 26 2010, 19:35:12 UTC 7 years ago

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I am in favor of all these things which you have helpfully added to the Why Australia Is Awesome list.

dungeonwriter

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

January 26 2010, 19:35:24 UTC 7 years ago

True.

Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

lastwordy_mcgee

January 26 2010, 15:46:28 UTC 7 years ago

Last week, a news story came out about the influx of deadly funnel spiders in suburban Sydney (http://ow.ly/10AyT). These delightful little creatures are known to be aggressive, can jump up to 18", and will kill you dead within 2 hours. You can also look forward to hospital stays of up to 14 days if you manage not to get dead. There might also be a lack of antivenom to cope with the recent increase in numbers, so people are being asked to capture the spiders and drop them off at their local reptile park, where they (the spiders, not the people) can be milked to create lovely antidote.

I cannot get the image out of my head of some crazy Paul Hogan or Steve Irwin looking person, running around their backyard with a jam jar in one hand and a small butterfly net in the other, all "HERE SPIDEY SPIDEY!"

Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

keristor

January 26 2010, 15:52:46 UTC 7 years ago

Surely it wouldn't be a /small/ butterfly net? "Call that a butterfly net, mate? THIS is a butterfly net!" (brandishing a 20 foot pole with a 6ft diameter net)...

(Now trying not to sing "Mairsey dotes and antidotes and little lamsey tivey...")

Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

deire

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

lastwordy_mcgee

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

lastwordy_mcgee

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

deire

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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Re: Australia started celebrating last week, it seems.

the_s_guy

7 years ago

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More Expand

mmerriam

January 26 2010, 15:47:21 UTC 7 years ago

seanan_mcguire

January 26 2010, 20:22:25 UTC 7 years ago

I love this clip so hard.

the_s_guy

7 years ago

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princess_kessie

7 years ago

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the_s_guy

7 years ago

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princess_kessie

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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princess_kessie

7 years ago

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hasufin

January 26 2010, 16:02:17 UTC 7 years ago

Let's not forget to celebrate Australia for doing all sorts of stupid things to their environment back in the colonial days, so that we could ignore the results and allow the invasion of alien species into our ecosystem anyway!

grey_lady

January 26 2010, 16:52:07 UTC 7 years ago

Such as the delightful cane toad? Also quite poisonous.

hasufin

7 years ago

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sheistheweather

7 years ago

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hasufin

7 years ago

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sheistheweather

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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sheistheweather

7 years ago

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vixyish

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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silvertwi

7 years ago

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deire

January 26 2010, 16:19:38 UTC 7 years ago

Cone snail shells are so pretty, too. I have seen them after they have been cleaned. I love that koalas will eat your face if you bother them. "Oooh, look, fuzzy! I must hug it!" "OM NOM NOM" "AUGH AUGH NOOOOOO!" I knew someone from Australia who said he once killed a house spider--with a baseball bat. I think he said it was a hunter spider. Funnel webs creep me out though. Anything that WILL HUNT YOUR ASS DOWN and has venomous fangs and can LEAP? Yeah.

deire

January 26 2010, 16:23:43 UTC 7 years ago

Oops, I see that funnel webs have been addressed. I remember a humor mailing list from an Australian grad school. Basically, it came down to: Tell the American students about the funnel webs. They won't believe you. Then they'll find out it's true. Then you can tell them *anything*. Or "How to make foreign teaching assistants your cat toys."

One of the personal stories was about being chased through the yard by a large funnel web, getting into the house, slamming the screen door, and turning to see the spider on the screen trying to bite through it. That's extremely creepy dedication.

lastwordy_mcgee

7 years ago

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deire

7 years ago

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lastwordy_mcgee

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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deire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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deire

7 years ago

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alexwearspants

7 years ago

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deire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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alexwearspants

7 years ago

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gothicsparrow

7 years ago

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alexwearspants

7 years ago

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xanath

7 years ago

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autographedcat

January 26 2010, 16:24:46 UTC 7 years ago

I always thought of Australia as the dustbin of the creation process. All the stuff that didn't quite go right were tossed into that little area to keep them from messing with the larger parts of creation.

The Creator is faintly horrified to learn that we went and started living there. Didn't see that coming.

seanan_mcguire

January 26 2010, 20:40:22 UTC 7 years ago

I approve of this description.

the_s_guy

7 years ago

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tikiera

January 26 2010, 16:29:31 UTC 7 years ago

I love the koala, it's cute and cuddly and has big claws and will indeed totally rip your face off.

seanan_mcguire

January 26 2010, 20:40:34 UTC 7 years ago

It's awesome.

bercilakslady

January 26 2010, 16:39:23 UTC 7 years ago

This is why I like New Zealand wildlife better than Australian wildlife. I like things that are awesome and unique and aren't trying to kill me. Though rental cars in some places make you get Kea insurance. Keas are scary smart parrots who will Eat Your Car.

Sorry, Aunt Karen, your pet Big Red Kangaroo was awesome, but a little scary.

seanan_mcguire

January 26 2010, 20:40:53 UTC 7 years ago

Kangaroos can kick men in half, and are thus awesome.

argonel

January 26 2010, 16:52:03 UTC 7 years ago

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the old joke.

The complete list of things in Australia that won't try to kill you.
1. Some of the sheep.

That is all.

lastwordy_mcgee

January 26 2010, 16:59:28 UTC 7 years ago

Oh, I am stealing that. Thanks.

the_s_guy

7 years ago

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argonel

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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Re: i would love for you to post each holiday

seanan_mcguire

January 27 2010, 15:58:02 UTC 7 years ago

Lots and lots of things. For Australia specializes in deadly.

deire

January 26 2010, 17:08:44 UTC 7 years ago

Australia: Natural Selection Has Its Own Continent. And It's Looking at You.

vixyish

January 26 2010, 19:30:45 UTC 7 years ago

Best tourism slogan EVER.

deire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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Done.

deire

7 years ago

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aineotter

January 26 2010, 17:22:24 UTC 7 years ago Edited:  January 26 2010, 17:22:41 UTC

Oh, virus appreciation day is *so* going on my calender. Though after the absolute mind-numbingness of the last lecture in the molecular virology course I'm taking I may not feel terribly appreciative. I mean, this prof is a great guy, but his lecture style is so *very* dry...and I love viruses, in the right context. That context being not in my own cells.

Anyway.
I would be in trouble if I moved to Australia, I suppose, because I really can not kill spiders at all. I feel bad if I squish one by accident, or see one get killed and an unable to rescue it.

deire

January 26 2010, 17:37:18 UTC 7 years ago

The spiders are willing to eat your pets. Trust me, you'd learn. ;)

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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princess_kessie

7 years ago

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aineotter

7 years ago

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princess_kessie

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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ladyfox7oaks

January 26 2010, 18:52:28 UTC 7 years ago

After reading the comments... I think I'll stay here, where I only have to deal with blizzards, avalanches, earthquakes, mudslides, brown bears, black bears, rattlesnakes, the occasional mountain lion, black widows and brown recluses, and the sometimes irritating humans...
:D Thank you.

Have fun at World-con! :)

vixyish

January 26 2010, 19:30:08 UTC 7 years ago

Yeah, I'm gonna stay right here and snuggle my active volcanoes.

ladyfox7oaks

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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ladyfox7oaks

7 years ago

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xanath

January 26 2010, 19:00:14 UTC 7 years ago

I have a friend who used to live in Micronesia. Another friend of hers stayed there, and encountered the lovely (::shudder::) huntsman spider. He called to tell her he had to kill one after a chase through the house. She asked what with--he answered, a saucepan. "I hit it twice," he said, "and then another two dozen times to make sure."

And the funnelweb . . . ::insert mindless, fearful gibbering here::

princess_kessie

January 27 2010, 06:20:14 UTC 7 years ago

The Huntsman is a much-maligned spider. It is virtually harmless, and is often kept as a pet. The bite, while locally painful, is not fatal, and a Huntsman will rarely bite unless provoked or startled (like if you put on a shoe it has made its home or a jacket it has taken shelter in) - much like most Australian spiders and most of our native fauna. We're pretty laid back, and it actually takes a fair bit to provoke most of our wildlife into attack.

(I am a complete and utter arachnophobe - and here I am, defending them! *snrk*)

xanath

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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xanath

7 years ago

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notalwaysweak

January 26 2010, 19:37:52 UTC 7 years ago

*uses cute lil wombat icon*

Wombats. Cute until you accidentally hit one with your car... and it ruins the underside of your car and then runs off into the bush, giving you the finger on the way. They are tough little buggers.

aineotter

January 27 2010, 16:50:58 UTC 7 years ago Edited:  January 27 2010, 16:51:19 UTC

Yay wombats! Have you seen Digger?
Best comic about wombats ever! And reiterates exactly how tough they are, on a fairly regular basis (at one point Digger gets stabbed in the rear, which only serves to tick her off).

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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notalwaysweak

7 years ago

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igneous_smurf

January 26 2010, 19:45:50 UTC 7 years ago

Yay for the wide brown land!

Seeing as everyone has done the poisonous creatures (though I can't believe the platypus hasn't rated a mention!!), I'll share news of Australian fire. There was a bush fire near my parents' house on New Year's Day which unearthed a human skull. No clues yet as to whose it is or the whereabouts of the remaining bones...

seanan_mcguire

February 1 2010, 22:16:16 UTC 7 years ago

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.

bearhand

January 26 2010, 20:10:11 UTC 7 years ago

What holiday falls on March 4? Just wondering if I needed to invent Happy Bearhand Day.

vixyish

January 26 2010, 20:17:04 UTC 7 years ago

Well, the internet tells me it is National Poundcake Day. Also the day the US Constitution went into effect, and the day Vermont was admitted to the Union.

I say there's room to share with Happy Bearhand Day!

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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bearhand

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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bearhand

7 years ago

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redbird57

January 26 2010, 23:32:07 UTC 7 years ago

the koala (which will totally rip your face off if you poke it)

Oh my god! We rescently had a conversation at work consisting basically of "Koalas: They're cute and cuddly...until they rip your face off."

aineotter

January 27 2010, 15:40:54 UTC 7 years ago

Otters are like this, too. So cute that people forget that they're weasel family, right there with badgers and wolverines. Wild animals are just plain not teddy bears.

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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aineotter

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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eevieivy

January 26 2010, 23:40:37 UTC 7 years ago

I want an Official Seanan Holiday Calendar, since I agree that the world needs more excuses for a party. Just sayin'.

seanan_mcguire

February 1 2010, 22:17:29 UTC 7 years ago

Today is Serpent Day! Ssssssssssss!

alexwearspants

January 27 2010, 00:08:39 UTC 7 years ago

I'm so proud of my country. Even if it does kill two thousand tourists a year. (I hope this number is inflated, I would easily believe that it's not.) General warning for non-coastal types: Australia's beaches = rips that want to offer your bones to the Mer-Queen. Stick to patrolled areas.

But the animals seem covered. :D Although I'm going to put a shout-out for possums. They are vermin, and they are loud, they have no boundaries and they bite. Nasty, infectious bites. Oh, and emus? They can run faster than you, and they are aggressive, beady-eyed buggers with ENORMOUS CLAW FEET. Never piss off an emu. And wombats. I still remember eighth grade camp. We were specifically warned not to go near a certain area where the wombats were. Two hours later, one kid comes running, screaming out, a wombat hot on his trail. They are low to the ground and they are FAST. And also angry. Actually, I think most of the stuff in our country is angry. Including some of the people. *shrugs* Eh, climate.

Anyway, good times. Visitors ahoy!

deire

January 27 2010, 01:30:14 UTC 7 years ago

Tourist natural selection. If yer dumb enough to poke it 'cause it looks exotic...you're dumb enough to get et by it.

One of the local farms has emu. They are a trip when it snows.

notsogreynomad

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

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silvertwi

January 27 2010, 00:12:53 UTC 7 years ago

I wish I could introduce you to my mother. She'd run screaming within a couple of sentences.

seanan_mcguire

February 2 2010, 15:30:14 UTC 7 years ago

I'm a parental advisory against parents?

Sweet.

tezmillertm

January 27 2010, 01:12:19 UTC 7 years ago

When in Australia, don't do what Peter Griffin did to a kangaroo in an American zoo:


P.S. Kangaroos can also fight robots:

seanan_mcguire

February 2 2010, 15:30:31 UTC 7 years ago

I will respect and fear the kangaroo, then.

gothicsparrow

January 29 2010, 00:32:51 UTC 7 years ago

You didn't even mention the drop bears.

People tell stories about them, so they might exist, right?

seanan_mcguire

February 2 2010, 15:30:44 UTC 7 years ago

I'm not putting it past Australia.

This is a bit late but...

lashblade

March 27 2010, 09:55:06 UTC 7 years ago

You're coming to Australia? Soooo many colour of awesome!

Um...not a stalker, just a looong time fan of your poetry at cadhla.livejournal and I finally made it over here.

(P.S. You want some Aussie wildlife stories? I'm country raised, I got *plenty*! I'm in a city now, but only a week ago I spent considerable time removing a massive female wolfspider covered in hundreds of tiny spiderbabies out of my hallway. That...proved interesting. Usually it's the cup + cardboard trick, but wolfspiders are a bit nuts and have been known to scatter their babies if they feel too threatened. Something you really, really want to avoid. Especially indoors.)

(Oh yeah, and the next day spent some time removing tiny spiderbabies anyway. Seems she must have dumped some off anyway. Aggro little buggers.)

Re: This is a bit late but...

seanan_mcguire

March 29 2010, 01:45:21 UTC 7 years ago

I am! In August, for the WorldCon!

It's going to be awesome.

Also, dude. What an AWESOME spider.