Still life with blue cats.: seanan

Still life with blue cats.

"You talk about your cats a lot."
"You talk about your kids a lot."
"It's not the same thing."
"My Maine Coon flushed a seven inch long alligator lizard down the front hall toilet."
"..."
"It's exactly the same thing."

As most people know, I live with cats. One Siamese and one Maine Coon, to be precise. They are blazingly intelligent, easily bored, and utterly spoiled in the way that only blazingly intelligent cats with indulgent owners can ever get (since dumb cats never realize how much they can actually get away with). This means that my life is never boring, although I do occasionally have to tell people I can't go out, the cats are requiring me to stay in. This is not an ironic statement. The cats are fully capable of hiding my keys, my glasses, and—on one impressive occasion—the contents of my underwear drawer. Contrary to popular belief, I am not going to walk to Safeway without a bra, socks, or panties. Just no. Also, the cats like to unplug my alarm clock when they feel that I've been out of the house too much. They dislike the alarm, they like me sleeping in, problem solved!

Smart cats are their own problem. Smart cats with extremely clever paws are occasionally a circle of hell.

Yesterday morning, I was in such a hurry to get out of the house that I forgot to check the level of food in the cat bowls. Now, my girls each have their own bowl, although they're fed side-by-side, to prevent Lilly eating Alice's food to show dominance. (They still occasionally trade food, but it's just that: a trade. It's like watching kids swap pudding cups.) Alice gets Royal Canin Maine Coon blend; Lilly gets Royal Canin Picky Bitch, which is technically named something like "sensitive feline," but let's get real. When you have to feed this stuff to your cat, your cat is picky. Very, very picky. Royal Canin makes Siamese blend, but Lilly doesn't like it. When given Royal Canin Siamese, Lilly eats all of Alice's food, and since Alice prefers Royal Canin Maine Coon, Alice proceeds to harass me until I feed her the right stuff...which Lilly then proceeds to eat. So it's Maine Coon and Picky Bitch blends for my girls.

Anyway, upon arriving home yesterday evening, I was met at the door by two very angry cats who wanted to lecture me on my failure to feed them. They told me I was a bad pet owner. They told me I had Done Them Wrong. They kept telling me as I filled their dishes...and they then did not eat, as they were too busy telling me what a horrible person I was. Seriously. Alice even took some kibble from the dish and dropped it on my foot to illustrate the point that I Had Failed Them, and I Needed To Apologize. I apologized. I stroked them. I made soothing noises. I brushed Alice. I let Lilly have my purse (which she promptly began to chew on). I hung my head in shame. Satisfied, they finally ate.

I woke up this morning with kibble on my pillow. I am not yet forgiven.

"Alice, why don't you let me use the remote?"
"Mrrrrrrr."

Last night, while watching Bones, I got a lapful of Lilly. This is normal. Lilly proceeded to flop onto her back, stretch out, and cross her ankles, looking like a coney prepped for roasting. Also normal. Alice, meanwhile, hopped up onto the empty couch cushion, sat on her rump with her tail sticking out to one side, and started grooming. Still normal. Then she leaned over, took the remote off the couch, and cuddled it like a teddy bear. And refused to give it back to me. No matter how nicely I asked her.

Tragically, this is still normal. The only way to get the remote back was to give her the DVD remote instead...and that's why the DVD tray was sliding in and out and in and out for the next twenty minutes, as the cat happily played with the "eject" button.

There is a reason I talk about my cats as much as I do. Because if I didn't, none of you would have any warning on the day when they finally decided to conquer your puny planet.

Run while you can.

Deleted comment

seanan_mcguire

January 24 2010, 18:39:58 UTC 7 years ago

New comment

Lilly is well aware of how spoiled she is, and exploits it happily.

tsgeisel

January 22 2010, 23:36:11 UTC 7 years ago

I count my blessings every time I think about what cats might do if they had opposable thumbs.

January 24 2010, 18:40:27 UTC 7 years ago

Probably lounge around and demand we feed them, being as they would still be cats.

kathleenfoucart

January 22 2010, 23:41:28 UTC 7 years ago

I think you need to make a facebook page for your cats; I'd totally be a fan. :)

(Trying again, without broken link...)

dornbeast

January 22 2010, 23:59:25 UTC 7 years ago

It's already been done. Fear the internet-conquering felines.

7 years ago

blythe025

January 22 2010, 23:46:00 UTC 7 years ago

Awesome. I want cats like that. Maybe. Kinda. Well...
;)

January 24 2010, 18:41:16 UTC 7 years ago

Yeah, they're sort of their own punishment and their own reward.

princess_kessie

January 23 2010, 00:10:10 UTC 7 years ago

What about a Sphinx/Mexican Hairless, aka Mr Bigglesworth?

(For the record, I take two anti-histamines every day just so I can have my three ~~babies~~ kitties...nowhere near as life-threatening as your issue, but I still feel your pain)

wendyzski

More Expand

hasufin

January 22 2010, 23:57:17 UTC 7 years ago

This post amuses me to no end. fortunately, I've never had a cat which was smarter than "The alarm clock goes off, I get fed. I shall bat around the alarm clock until it goes off and/or it falls off the table, either way resulting in waking him up and feeding me."

I'm amazed at a Maine Coon which is that smart. All of the Maine Coons I've ever met have been Dumb As A Brick. Very sweet, but I've been served salads smarter than most of the Maine Coons I've met.

January 24 2010, 18:46:42 UTC 7 years ago

Betsy breeds for brilliant. It's dangerous.

vulpine137

January 23 2010, 00:03:00 UTC 7 years ago

Your kitties rock muchly :)

January 24 2010, 18:46:50 UTC 7 years ago

I think so.

bkwrrm_tx

January 23 2010, 00:11:27 UTC 7 years ago

I seriously love your cats. My two are smart, but not *that* smart.

Of course, they have both of us trained, completely. ::hangs head::

January 24 2010, 18:47:03 UTC 7 years ago

That's what humans are for.

supersniffles

January 23 2010, 00:15:25 UTC 7 years ago

Luckily mine aren't that smart. (though mine are also blue. Hero's a spotted blue tabby mutt and Monkey is a medium haired blue/cream torbie mutt)
Hero does love the DVD player. Whenever I turn it on he runs over and waits for his chance to push the tray closed. Monkey prefers to get on top of the TV and try to catch the DVD screen saver as it bounces around the screen.

January 24 2010, 18:47:23 UTC 7 years ago

Blue kitties are the best kitties. Absolutely.

angel_vixen

January 23 2010, 00:21:28 UTC 7 years ago

Reading about Alice and Lilly makes me wonder what Shelly and Nox could get up to if they really put their minds to it (which they have, but only enough to keep us nervous).

AngelVixen :-)

January 24 2010, 18:47:36 UTC 7 years ago

Scary things, that's what.

January 23 2010, 00:24:11 UTC 7 years ago

*cackles loudly*

January 24 2010, 18:47:47 UTC 7 years ago

Heeeee.

mariadkins

January 23 2010, 00:35:59 UTC 7 years ago

i have a muted calico. i'll never have another calico cat in my life. miss kitty is the first and the last. she falls exactly between "too smart for her own good" and "dumb as a brick" depending on time of day, day of the week, mood, etc - and since she's calico, let's add "psychotic" to that, shall we? (though her vet says "special" - she's special all right!)

January 24 2010, 18:53:17 UTC 7 years ago

Calicos are definitely special like that. Crazy cats are fun for the whole family.

trialia

January 23 2010, 00:38:30 UTC 7 years ago

I really wish I could meet your cats. They're awesome. :D

January 24 2010, 18:53:42 UTC 7 years ago

I wish they liked crowds more. I would so bring Alice to book signings.

naurwen

January 23 2010, 00:55:43 UTC 7 years ago

Mwahahah.
And cats *will* conquer the world. And humans shall be their slaves.
Or something like that.

Though the most amusing thing is when those kitty queens and kings suddenly do something incredibly silly. Because they then *know that we know and we've seen it and that we'll remember*. And that again slightly upsets them (as in p***** them off).
My not-among-the-living-anymore Tigi did such a thing about 3 times in his life. He ran into a door. Right into it, head-first. You could basically see little stars twinkling around his head afterwards. Twice he ran around like a berserk for whatever reason and made the door swing closed himself, then turned and ran into it not having noticed... once he freaked out because someone laughed (LOL!) and ran into the door. It was always the same door.
And whenever he tried to wreck my nerves I used to say *remember the door-incident?*. ;D

January 24 2010, 18:53:57 UTC 7 years ago

And I bet he backed right down.

bluesmancd

January 23 2010, 00:56:41 UTC 7 years ago

Considering some of the things that have happened in the government just this week, I, for one, will welcome our new cat overlords.

January 24 2010, 18:54:52 UTC 7 years ago

They'll definitely be much more honest in their motives. "I have decided that, in this case...you will pet me, monkey."

lysystratae

January 23 2010, 01:16:54 UTC 7 years ago

I welcome our future furry overlords :)

January 24 2010, 18:55:18 UTC 7 years ago

They demand kibble.

snowcoma

January 23 2010, 01:22:07 UTC 7 years ago

....Alice flushed a 7-inch alligator lizard? HOW?

January 24 2010, 18:56:30 UTC 7 years ago

1. Catch lizard.
2. Drop lizard in toilet.
3. Flush.

hoppytoad79

January 23 2010, 01:25:37 UTC 7 years ago

Who says you talk about your cats too much? I think it's a case of you not talking about them enough. Set up a special f'list for those who want to hear constant talk about your cats and then post entries only those on the list can read. That way, those who don't understand the fabulousness of our feline overlords don't have to 'endure' your talking about them. More pictures would be a good thing, too. ;)

I'm eagerly awaiting 'Habitation'. March, get here soon! :D A book that's definitely worth reading is 'Jane Bites Back', if you ever want a fun, light read that won't take long to finish.

January 24 2010, 22:27:16 UTC 7 years ago

There will be more pictures as soon as I have a new camera. One which Alice hasn't broken.

pyre006

January 23 2010, 01:28:40 UTC 7 years ago

that is amazing

January 24 2010, 22:27:26 UTC 7 years ago

They're nuts.

wldhrsjen3

January 23 2010, 01:32:59 UTC 7 years ago

There is no such thing as too much talk about cats. Or horses. ;)

January 24 2010, 22:27:37 UTC 7 years ago

Fair!

amazon_syren

January 23 2010, 01:53:08 UTC 7 years ago

I love cats.

I am also glad that I don't live anywhere near Lily and Alice.

Ye gods. O.O

Also:

Contrary to popular belief, I am not going to walk to Safeway without a bra, socks, or panties.

Me? I *totally* walk to the grocery store without any of the above.
If it weren't Winter In Ottawa I would have been doing so this weekend. (Given, however, that it's sub-zero celceus.... The socks, at least, are a must. With shoes as well).

So, yeah. When I read that? My reaction was "B-but... you live in San Francisco!"

It was not a reference to hippies.

It was a reference to climate.

(This is, of course, not to suggest that you need to do any such thing).

Anywhoo.

Cats: They're funny that way. :-)

- TTFN,
- Amazon. :-)

January 24 2010, 22:28:14 UTC 7 years ago

See, I like bras, and in January, I like socks. Panties are also generally advisable, since I dislike chafing.

valdary

January 23 2010, 01:58:59 UTC 7 years ago

Don't know how smart Cinders is yet though she balances on top of my right hand while I'm typing and pays serious attention to the moving cursor when she isn't batting my fingers.

Dinah wasn't very smart but Tanith the cat I had before that would turn on the tap to get a drink of water, open all the doors even the ones with round knobs, & if you didn't answer door she would walk round house jumping on windowsills til she found you, rap sharply on window and run to the main door as soon as you looked up.

January 23 2010, 02:04:42 UTC 7 years ago

For anyone else who reads this who hasn't seen her pic I should say that Cinders is still only a few weeks old, if she were full grown I wouldn't be able to lift my hand to type

hamletkitty

January 23 2010, 02:09:43 UTC 7 years ago

See, everyone says "Oh, I want a smart cat/dog/kid/whatever." No, you want a biddable whatever, not a smart one. Unless you like a very interesting on. I have a smart dog, I've had a smart cat and now I have a smart kid. With the kid, I'm just glad that I've learned to train Dachshunds, and that she's a Dachshund in human form. I've had a stupid dog too, and that's a whole nother set of fun.

However, I really do like living with my smarties, our life is rarely dull.

January 24 2010, 22:29:01 UTC 7 years ago

Yeah. I a lot of people think they want smart, and really want biddable. So very true.

archangelbeth

January 23 2010, 02:17:44 UTC 7 years ago

*cackle*

My Friskie just YELLS at me when she's hungry. Not yells, not even yells, but an all-caps YELL that is... Well, she's very Siamese, even though she's probably some Ragdoll cross. (She has the crossed eyes, she has the absolutely beautiful blue-gray points with white, and she has the MOUTH. Her son, a black-and-white, has the mouth as well.)

Friskie is also the most ditzy cat I have ever shared a house with who was not also stupid. (Julicat, a tortie with some siamese ancestry? She was stupid. Sweet, affectionate, and dumb as kibble. If you petted her while she was eating, she would forget she was eating, then look back with "OMG FOOD!" radiating from her. She once forgot that dry food was edible; any other cat, this would be cunning and playing dumb. Julicat... Seriously; anyone who interacted with her soon realized that she really was that oblivious. She had to be fed canned food because otherwise she'd have starved. Eventually we convinced her again that the little rocks the other cats ate were, indeed, edible.

It is a sign of something that I did feed her canned cat food, even though I was pregnant and the mere smell of meat made me horribly ill.)

January 25 2010, 02:17:26 UTC 7 years ago

KITTY!

And it's a sign of knowing that sometimes, the cat just gets what the cat wants.

bigherman

January 23 2010, 05:42:37 UTC 7 years ago

Good lord, the smartest thing my cat ever managed was to learn his name, and from the third through fifth grade to know that "Heeere kitty-kitty-kitty" meant it was my bedtime, he was to climb the ladder to my bunk-bed, stay until I went to sleep, and only then go back to his kitty adventures in the hood. Did it like a charm for three years, and then stopped.

Of course, I think my cat was a partially reincarnated Buddha, because he never brought dead things back, and stead-fastedly refused to attack the bird even as it would land on his head and preen his whiskers. Only partially, though, because I have the scars to prove he was picky about where you petted him.

January 25 2010, 02:17:48 UTC 7 years ago

Awwwwwwww, cat has Buddha nature.

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Still life with blue cats.

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