Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Thoughts on Writing #2: Your Grammar Is Eating The Neighbors.

Welcome to the second of what looks dismayingly like it's going to be a series of fifty essays based on my fifty thoughts on writing. Because, y'know, it's not like I was doing anything else with myself in my copious amounts of spare time. Except for the part where, oh, wait, I DON'T HAVE ANY. Clearly my brain is trying to kill me. Please send help. If you can't send help, please send pumpkin cake, as it is direly needed. If you can't send pumpkin cake, well, enjoy today's topic. Namely:

Thoughts on Writing #2: Your Grammar Is Eating The Neighbors.

...what's sad is that this is actually nicer and less snarky than the first entry in this series. Just in case you'd wondered whether I was actually mellowing. The original thought:

The rules of English grammar were devised by an evil linguist who had a bone to pick with the adherents of the more traditional schools of the written word. They laughed at him in the academy, and we bastards are still paying today. You don't need to have a perfect grasp of the seventeen thousand (occasionally conflicting) rules to be a writer; that's what editors and proofreaders are for. At the same time, you can't just throw a bunch of words at the page and expect to have all your work done for you. Learn the basic rules of punctuation and grammar before you subject other people to your work. They can squabble over the Oxford commas at their leisure.

Ready?

Let's begin.

English Is A Monster.

Those of us who grew up with English may not be consciously aware of what every 'English as second language' person in the world knows full well: English is hard. Our grammar is needlessly complicated, full of pit-traps and sneak attacks. Constructing a sentence in English is sort of like trying to snatch six specific garter snakes out of a nest. The nest has been buttered. Also, the snakes bite. Now, once you've been juggling garter snakes -- or speaking English -- for a few years, you can generally get the six snakes you want with a minimum of trouble. But they'll always be buttered, and they'll always have teeth.

We have a language built on the stolen bones of other languages. The people responsible for 'creating' English were basically playing Frankenstein, using spare parts to make something capable of smashing the local village. I use the term 'creating' loosely, because English wasn't created as much as it just, well, evolved. People looked up one day and realized that they were speaking this weird new language, and by that point, they were used to it, so they didn't stop. I mean, the nice thing about Frankenstein's Monster is that it's big, flexible, and pretty damn difficult to kill. You can always bring it back with a set of jumper cables and a car battery, and that's a useful trait to have in a monster, or in a language. The big thing to remember is that, at the end of the day, it may be friendly, but it's still a monster. There's always the chance that it's going to kidnap your wife, crush your neighbor, and go rampaging off down the street.

It is easier to be unclear in English than it is in almost any other language, partially because of its innate flexibility. There's a running joke on NCIS -- a television procedural -- about a foreign-born character misspeaking and mangling her idioms, because, ha ha, English is hard. Well, guess what? English is hard. Anyone who tells you that English isn't hard is either delusional or trying to lull you into a false sense of security. Possibly because their own personal monster of English is getting hungry...

Right, Get The Torches.

Put down the torch, hotshot: English may be a monster, but it has its uses. As I said before, it's big, flexible, and pretty damn difficult to kill. And it can express almost anything you want. This is a language that has so many wonderful words that we regularly allow old ones to fall out of common use, replacing them with shiny new words, like buying new parts for our monster. This is a language that we can use to knock down other people's villages. We just need to be certain that we know how to control it.

Now, I could pretend to be all-knowing and give you a lot of instructions on how not to split an infinitive and how to avoid overly complex sentences, but let's get real: I am not an English teacher. I'd just be parroting information out of books, and while I'd like to think that my parroting would be amusing, it wouldn't be any better than what's already out there. I do recommend that you pick up On Writing, by Stephen King, and Strunk and White's Elements of Style. One book will teach you basically everything you need to know about the strict rules of making your monster do what you want it to do. The other will teach you some handy tips about making your monster dance the hokey-pokey. Both are good things to know, and both are going to be a lot more useful to you than all the parroting in the world.

If you're really confused about the way that grammar works, take a class! Most community colleges offer basic English courses. Note that I'm not saying 'take a class that teaches you how to write' -- you'll do that, or you won't do that, based on your own needs and what you personally feel will help you grow as a writer. I'm saying 'take a class that teaches you about the language.' English grammar is the way it is because its creator was laughed at in university. Maybe if you go to university, you can learn how to stop laughing and start understanding why it felt the need to smash your barn.

I'm really enjoying this monster metaphor. Can you tell?

But My Grammar Is Good Enough For Teh Intarwebs!

...ow, my brain. Look: everything is good enough for 'teh Intarwebs.' That is, really, the beauty of the Internet. With the click of a button, you can become a published author. When I finish this essay, I'll be able to put it right up online. Bam. Now, being as I'm me, I'm going to proofread it and run it by a few people first, but I could publish it the second it's finished. No one's standing over my shoulder saying 'I think you spelled that wrong.' No one's going to smack me for splitting an infinitive, or for constructing a sentence so convoluted that my point gets lost in a forest of modifiers. Well, Brooke might, but that would be after the fact; the post would still be made, the words would still be out there. No one is grading the Internet.

The thing to remember here is context. Vixy and I regularly have entire conversations in LOLcat, and Shawn and I mostly just make incoherent dinosaur noises at each other via IM. That's totally fine. But I'm not going to read a novel written in either of those styles. 'Good enough for the Internet' doesn't actually mean that your grammar is any good; it just means that your personal equivalent of Brooke has not yet smacked you on the head and dragged you off to the Lagoon for a little remedial education.

I am very loose with language in my blogging, because it's my blog; I can be loose with the language if I want. I abuse punctuation freely and without qualms. I insert random capitals in the middle of my sentences for emphasis. I make up words. I use really big words without necessarily giving the surrounding context to avoid confusing my readers. Periodically, I devolve into LOLcat for no reason beyond 'I wanted to.' Now, the more I learn about grammar and punctuation, the less I do some of these things, just because I'm training myself out of bad habits. At the same time, there are things I used to do carelessly that I now do on purpose. I see the rules. I just choose to let my monster smash them.

When I'm writing fiction, or even serious non-fiction, I get a lot more careful with the way I word and structure things. I don't want to risk confusing and alienating people by mistake; I want to do it on purpose. I have people read and review me, and when I get the same critique from multiple sources, I tend to take little crash-courses in the way to make my monster work for my benefit. Nothing says 'learn how to control your monster' like being told exactly what it's doing wrong.

The Internet is where you can let your monster rampage. Everywhere else, you may need to give it a little training.

So I'm Basically Screwed.

Yes and no. No matter how much you train your monster, it's always going to be a monster. Nothing you or I or anyone else can do is going to change that. You could try writing in a different language, but that's going to raise a whole new set of problems.

At the same time, you can learn to control your monster, at least well enough that the people who do this professionally can recognize its potential and guide you along. Maybe you'll never develop a consistent approach to the Oxford comma, but if that's the only mess your monster's making, your line-editors are really unlikely to care. No one expects perfection. They just expect the house to still be standing when you and your monster leave.

Good luck, and remember, stay away from the castle.
Tags: advice, contemplation, writing
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 56 comments
I use the term 'creating' loosely, because English wasn't created as much as it just, well, evolved.

I've always liked the bit in one of the Fuzzy novels where H. Beam Piper has one of his characters say, "And you know what English is? The result of Norman men-at-arms trying to get dates with Saxon barmaids in the ninth century pre-Atomic."
I like James Nicoll's take on it:

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
--James D. Nicoll

scifantasy

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

archangelbeth

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

This is a lovely, lovely, metaphor. Grrr! Argh!
Hee!
Just because it is possible to string any 10 words together in any order you like doesn't mean that the result will make any sense at all. This is one of the things that maddens me about the internet.

I regularly mangle punctuation and grammar online, but I usually do so deliberately in order to convey emotion in what is essentially a conversational setting.
Just because it is possible to string any 10 words together in any order you like doesn't mean that the result will make any sense at all.

Oh, you're only saying that because helicopter orange fulcrum inoculate turnip gingerly thermodynamic gibbon in plastic.

catnip13

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

batyatoon

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

Igor says, "Metaphor good, Mistress! Have more jumper cables!"

Thoughtful reader says, "You know, this looks like a series of essays that -- with very little tweaking -- would make a highly entertaining column for the just-now-relaunching SFFWA Bulletin. And they pay for stuff, and as long as you're writing them anyway...."
Interesting! Thanks for the tip!
I came here via a friend who linked it... And I thought you might like this icon...

:D
I do! That pleases me.

(Who linked? Curious cat is curious.)

ayoub

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

ayoub

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

ayoub

8 years ago

Hi. I'm Em. I'm the one who gave popfiend the link to this. I got it from dr_zrfq. The latter sends me enough links of amusing things you've said, I have now flisted you :-)
...I wonder what percentage of Seanan's f-list has accreted roughly that way. The people involved were different in my case, but the effect was the same...

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

"I am not an English teacher. I'd just be parroting information out of books, and while I'd like to think that my parroting would be amusing, it wouldn't be any better than what's already out there."

I think I love this. I never learned proper grammar in English class. I learned it in Spanish class, and in Anglo-Saxon class. Being able to read any form of English ever written (at least kinda), doesn't make me any better with Modern English grammar.
I learned the basic properties of English from a Sicilian nun who learned English as a second language. I didn't learn proper grammar on an academic level until my second semester of Italian in college. (This is after being an English major, taking an unholy number of composition and literature courses, and a semester of linguistics.)

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

I like smart and witty.

You are definitely that.

Adding.

And I like to share.

And so I did.

Thank you for the insight.



Most excellent, on all counts. And hey -- only forty-nine essays to go!
I remember reading that Joseph Conrad, who was fluent in numerous languages and learned English as a third language, chose to write in English because it was the most flexible and descriptive language around.

I also remember an anecdote from the first Gulf War. Two Iraqis were in a stressful situation, and one switched to English in order to calm the other. When asked about it later, he said, "Arabic is not a language for telling someone to calm down."
That's seriously awesome.
...I now really want to see a novel written in LOLspeak. It can't be that far off, can it?
They're working on translating the Bible. I'm sure the final implosion of Western civilization can't be far behind.

This is not the image you're looking for.  Move along.

shannachie

July 29 2008, 20:53:33 UTC 8 years ago Edited:  July 29 2008, 20:57:59 UTC

English is sneaky. Believe me. I am German, and English is my second language.
English is sneaky because it it pretends to be easy. You look at it and think: "Oh, that's easy. No gender specific articles. No inflected words. No 4 to 6 grammatical cases. A girl is female and a carrot neutre (not in German). Easy.
You learn the few rules and when you think you know them, they turn around, make a rude gesture at you, and come up with 40 dozen exceptions for every goddarn rule. And you can't ignore them because they change the meaning. Every time.
That's so mean.
And words! Perfectly harmless words lead you on and then kick you into your carelessly exposed semantics. I shall never forget the look of the British audience when Katy and I walked on stage for a half hour set, and Katy opened the concert with the famous words: "I am sorry we are a little late. I just burst my G-string twice." I remember Teddy rolling about on the floor in front of the stage. And I remember Katy gazing from her (new) guitar strings to me, asking: "What - did I say?"
There's just no good way to discuss the breakage or need to replace that particular guitar string, and I swear it is the ONLY one that I ever need to replace by itself.
Hi!

I'm another person who popped over from popfiend. I love this post and your other posts. You have a great sense of humor and I like the way you think.

I see that you have a free linkage zone so I've friended you, too. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.
I am absolutely a free linkage zone. I auto-friend back, partially for tracking purposes; I just can't promise to read everything, or my agent kills me for the sudden stoppage of actual work around here.

Welcome!
I still struggle with grammar All The Time.

I doubt I'll ever get it, but it doesn't stop me putting effort into trying. My poor, poor editors though...
There are two basic principles that explain most of English grammar:

1. The only way to really understand the grammar of English is to understand the history of English.

2. You can actually do pretty much anything, as long as you call it by the right technical name.

(One of my favorite examples of the latter is the sentence "A number of people were in the room." The grammatical subject is "number," which is singular, but because the sentence is really about the people, who are plural, we use a plural verb. The grammatical description of this is that the word "number" is "singular, but plural in construction." In contrast, "The number of people in the room was more than 500" is about the number itself and uses a singular verb. See, there's a technical name for this weird construction, and that makes it all right.)

talithakalago

8 years ago

pbristow

8 years ago

It's also important to distinguish between what is grammar and what is other, associated subjects in writing, such as style and usage.

If a sentence is grammatical, it's subjects and vers agree, its commas are in the right places, and so on.

But a grammatical sentence does not make a correct sentence or a good sentence.

For instance, the sentence, "I implied from Seanan's post that grammar is hard" is grammatical. However, it is not correct and it is not good. The obvious problem is not with grammar, but usage. I inferred from the post; Seanan does the implying in the post.

So foreigners who have trouble with idioms are not having issues with grammar so much as they are having issues with usage. While English gammar is hard, it is easier than English style and usgae. Grammar tends to be a bunch of rules.

Style is, as Jonathan Swift put it, "Putting proper words in proper places." That is a far more difficult task and occupies most of what we fight about in good writing.
Indeed. You meant to use "inferred" instead of "implied". ;-p

seanan_mcguire

7 years ago

There was this guy I listened to once at community college that called English "The mongrel dog of languages." I see what that means now.
The main problem being that there are hundreds of different rules, and hundreds of exceptions to all those rules.
Or you could get stuck in Spanish wrestling with irregular verbs and multiple verb tenses.