Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: quixotic
  • Music: The "America's Next Top Model" theme.

America's Next Top Author.

[Nine nervous aspiring authors stand on a pair of low bleacher-style steps, arranged to make it very obvious that there used to be more of them. It's equally obvious that they would really rather be clustered together like chickens in a hurricane. They're dressed in their Make A Good Impression best, which means that only a few stains and patches are visible, and most of their clothes actually fit. At the front of the room stands a familiar face, sleek and well-groomed, with professionally-styled hair and makeup that wasn't purchased from Target: Gloriana Goodthrob, the best-selling romance author whose books have dominated the national charts for the last ten years. Behind her is a panel of expert judges. No, really, we swear, they're experts. Gloriana says so.]

GLORIANA: Welcome, authors. You're looking very professional today. [Nervous laughter from the authors.] You're all familiar with our prizes. The winner will be signed with one of the best agencies in the world, Elite Author Management, be featured in a six-column interview in Publisher's Weekly, and receive a book contract with a guaranteed print run of fifty thousand copies. You all know our judges. The first is the noted book cover artist, Peter Penciler.

PETER: Hello, authors.

GLORIANA: Critique artist and ghost-writer, Mister Thomas Hack.

HACK: Authors.

GLORIANA: And our guest judge for the evening, the lovely and talented Miss Ivana Cut, agent extraordinaire.

IVANA: Hello, authors.

GLORIANA: Now this week, you were asked to write a science fiction epic, featuring thrilling exploits, original characters, zippy dialog, and most of all, a heavily marketable theme. You've received your critiques, both individually and as a group. There are nine of you in front of me, but I only hold eight manuscripts in my hands. These manuscripts represent the eight who are still in the running to become America's Next Top Author. The author whose name I do not call must immediately return to the house, pack your belongings, and go home. The author whose name I call first will have their manuscript made available for free download on the Kindle (tm) for the next week, thus increasing your visibility and potential readership.

[Pause for dramatic tension.]

GLORIANA: The first name I'm going to call is...Dave.

[DAVE walks forward to take his manuscript with visible relief.]

GLORIANA: Dave, you wowed us this week with your use of adjectives, your fire, and your willingness to completely mimic the last big thing, burying your own standards to succeed. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Author.

DAVE: Thank you. [He moves to his place against the wall.]

[GLORIANA calls the next six authors, leaving only two standing on the bleachers, both looking terrified.]

GLORIANA: Will Suzi and Damon please step forward?

[Two trembling authors approach the front of the room. DAMON needs a better haircut. SUZI needs new shoes.]

GLORIANA: Two authors stand before me, but I only have one manuscript in my hands. This manuscript represents the writer who is still in the running to become America's Next Top Author. Suzi, you've wowed us week after week with your sizzling, inappropriate sex scenes and your creativity with props. But this week, when you were given the whole galaxy as your prop, you became timid, cautious...predictable. Your titillation wasn't so titillating. And Damon, when the judges look at you, they see an author who has the whole package—looks, verve, literacy—but when we read your work, we find ourselves wondering if you'll sell to the public. Your idea of "out of this world" is just a little too "out there." So who stays? The talented seductress who may limit herself when she's nervous, or the intellectual abstract artist who leaves us feeling cold?

[Close up on DAMON and SUZI, looking terrified. GLORIANA holds out a manuscript.]

GLORIANA: Suzi. You're still in the running to become America's Next Top Author. But next week, that manuscript had better be smokin'.

[SUZI bursts into tears, takes her manuscript, and runs for the safety of the others. DAMON looks at GLORIANA, expression stoic and unwavering.]

GLORIANA: Damon, you have so much potential! There's a bestselling author inside you, just aching to break free! Learn to stop taking too many chances. Reel it in a little. Add some hot, steamy sex, and the world could be yours.

[DAMON nods, eyes filled with unshed tears as he turns, waves, and exits the room. Fade to shots of him packing his things in the cramped house shared by the contestants.]

DAMON, voiceover: Well, yeah, I did expect to go a lot further, but I'm not ashamed of myself. I'm not sorry I wrote what I wanted to write. If it doesn't have an audience, who cares? I'll keep writing. I'll always keep on writing...
Tags: silliness, writing
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  • 49 comments

Prescient and too true already

shalanna

October 22 2009, 00:15:57 UTC 7 years ago

This is really depressing. Because this is what's kind of going on in the contest on textnovel.com for unpublished novels. The winners will be the people who could scare up voters who would come to register on the site and vote for the books . . . unfortunately, I couldn't get people to do that for me. A goodly number of my relatives, friends, and associates simply could not figure out the simple voting rules (you had to register on the site, then click on the confirmation email link in order to be eligible to vote, and this defeated many of them because they're old and/or silly. Or they just lied to "make nice" because they didn't want to mess with it.) So the winners of this contest will get contracts with Dorchester Publishing. Good luck to Dorch in selling these books, as the books belonging to the contest leaders do not impress me as potential good sellers. But that's just me.

I fear that pretty soon this model will be the model for choosing everything. The peanut gallery votes (everyone's opinion being worth exactly the same, from an expert to a man off the street to a wandering idiot who has lost his village) and the writer who offended the fewest people OR who offered the best prizes in his/her drawings for those who voted wins. What happens to art, literature, and the quality of the product? Aah, who cares. We made money! That's all that counts!

*sigh*

Your essay was masterful and on-target, BTW. That's what I was gonna say until I got sidetracked. ("Sidetrackled," I first typed. That's the condition of being tackled by a digression.)

Re: Prescient and too true already

azurelunatic

October 22 2009, 00:54:41 UTC 7 years ago

Even if some of the big houses go this way, there are still going to be little publishers whose criteria are "we actually like this". The barriers to entry in publishing are dropping -- not necessarily as a writer, but as a publishing house. Twenty years ago, it would have required so much more for verb_noire to start up, but they have gathered themselves together in under a year.

Re: Prescient and too true already

seanan_mcguire

October 22 2009, 02:51:14 UTC 7 years ago

Oh, dear. It wasn't meant to be depressing, just silly. :(

A lot of books that aren't necessarily the "it thing" make it to print, and a lot of them are truly awesome. Plus, small presses make everything better. I think it'll be okay.

We just need to have some faith.

Re: Prescient and too true already

murgyt

October 22 2009, 16:14:37 UTC 7 years ago

"Faith!"
"And a bigger budget...Those are our key weapons, Faith, and a Bigger Budget"
"Don't forget, Quick Hands"
"Yes, those are our key weapons, Faith, a Bigger Budget and Quick Hands"
/cue anvil falling