Sometimes it's hard to be an old-school horror girl.: seanan

Sometimes it's hard to be an old-school horror girl.

This past Tuesday, a movie called The Thaw was released on DVD. Basically, Val Kilmer and a bunch of photogenic generic horror-movie twenty-somethings fight prehistoric parasites that come out of a really well-preserved mammoth corpse and try to eat everybody. From the trailer, they succeed in eating at least half the cast, which makes this film Highly Relevant To My Interests. Translation: I want it real bad.

Having failed to find the movie at Target—big surprise there, as they're not normally a real hotbed of hard-core direct-to-DVD horror action (unless it's a direct-to-DVD sequel to something that made mega-bucks)—I hied me over to Fry's, where I figured their low standards and massive selection would make me a happy little horror girl.

Issue number one: I couldn't find the damn movie. The horror section contained everything else that's ever been released and titled with something beginning with the letter "T," including The Tingler, which is pointless if you don't have someone standing behind you with a cattle prod (although I suppose you could lick batteries instead). Frustrated by the alphabet, I went looking for an employee.

I should probably have expected a problem when the employee called me "a nice young lady," as in "I'll be with you right after I help this nice young lady." Now, I don't object to any of these words, individually or as a group, and I don't even particularly mind them when applied to me. It's just that when I hear this phrase in a video store, it's almost always coming from someone who's about to try convincing me that I don't want what I want. But I was being hopeful.

"I'm looking for The Thaw. It came out Tuesday."
"Is that the new Sandra Bullock movie?"

Cue staring.

I eventually hammered it into his head that I was looking for a) a horror movie, b) a bad horror movie, and c) yes, I really meant it. He admitted that his computer was showing one copy in stock, and suggested I try the horror section. When I said I'd already looked there, he assigned one of the other clerks to help me find it (I think he didn't want to go himself for fear that they'd never find the body, as I was distinctly into "wishing you to the cornfield" mode). The clerk he sent proceeded to spend the next twenty minutes—as we went through the entire horror section, on the off-chance that it had been shelved wrong—trying to convince me that I wanted something else. Something nicer. From a different part of the store.

(Total aside: they put Ice Spiders out on DVD. ICE SPIDERS. Why the hell would anybody want to do that to an innocent blank disk?)

In the end, we didn't find my movie, I got tired of being looked at funny, and I went grumbling off to do something that didn't make me want to punch people. The utterly unhelpful clerk who'd been trying to shift me to the comedy aisle said I could special-order the movie. I told him that on Amazon, no one knows that I'm a perky-looking blonde.

Sometimes it's hard to be an old-school horror girl. And I still don't get to see Val Kilmer eaten alive by horrible prehistoric parasites.

Hmmph.

the_s_guy

October 9 2009, 15:29:32 UTC 7 years ago

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I got tired of being looked at funny

I have to wonder if I'm going to start getting this at movies. I like cel animation, CGI, and digital effects. Sometimes enough so that things like plot or characters are incidental. Sometimes enough so that I will deliberately head out of the house to go see movies theoretically aimed at the prepubescent market (for example, I recently saw G-Force).

So the ticket clerk and anyone in line sees a thirtysomething male buying a single adult ticket to a kiddie show.

- No, I'm not here with a child of my own. Or multiples thereof.
- Yes, I do want a ticket for Happy Little Unicorns and not Bloodthunder IV: More Blood.
- Yes, an adult ticket.
- No I am not a kiddie-stalking perv, and in fact I would be more than happy to catch a nice quiet kid-free session at nine in the evening after all the usual audience is tucked into bed, except that you and every other movie theater in the city have decided not to show it at any time after 10am, so just gimmee my goddamn ticket.

I know, I should wait for the DVD and rent it. But sometimes I'm just bored enough to want to go do something - anything - to take a break from the house for a couple of hours, and occasionally there's a movie showing which fits the bill.

Maybe I should start taking walks in parks or something instead, now that the weather's clearing up. Cheaper, healthier, less chance of being evil-eyed by a suspicious soccer mom.