Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: amused
  • Music: Glee, "Don't Stop Believing."

A Traveller's Phrasebook to Writerland, Installment #2.

Hello! We're glad to hear that you've been enjoying your time in Writerland, the native country of the written word. You've seen the writers frolic in the Fields of Verb, boldly venture into the Adjective Woods, and sink like stones in the infamous Editorial Swamp (home of the deadly White-Out Anaconda, capable of swallowing both man and manuscript in a single gulp). Because you have already covered the basic phrasebook of our fair land, we here at the Writerland Tourist Bureau have decided to present you with the advanced course. Thanks to all our contributers.

You Say: "How much did you pay to have that published?"
We Hear: "I know you're not as good as you think you are."

You Say: "Will you introduce me to your agent?"
We Hear: "I am worth more than your professional reputation."

You Say: "I have this really great idea. How about you write it up, and we'll split the profits?"
We Hear: "I would like two orders of radioactive scorpions, one for me, and one for my lawyer."

You Say: "Why do you look so tired? It's not like you have a real job."
We Hear: "I have always wondered what it's like to go for a ride in a wood chipper."

You Say: "You have so much talent. You should be published!"
We Hear: "So stop screwing around already, you little slacker."

You Say: "I promise I won't bother you while you work."
We Hear: "I am the human incarnation of Chinese water-torture, come to punish you for your sins."

You Say: "Which one of these characters is you?"
We Hear: "Either you're an egotist or you need therapy. Which is it?"

You Say: "Which one of these characters is me?"
We Hear: "This question has no right answer. Run for your life."

You Say: "When did this happen to you?"
We Hear: "No matter how much of it I read, deep down, I still believe 'fiction' is just fancy gossip."

You Say: "I got your new book yesterday. When is the next one coming out?"
We Hear: "I do not believe that authors eat, sleep, or socialize. Would you like to hit me with a fire axe?"

You Say: "Didn't they do this plot on an episode of The Twilight Zone?"
We Hear: "Nothing you say will convince me that you didn't steal this, so just admit it."

You Say: "Why did you do that thing in chapter eight? You ruined the series!"
We Hear: "I have more right to my opinions than you have to your art."

You Say: "Did you see that review where they said you murder the English language and eat kittens?"
We Hear: "Since you're already evil, would you like to amputate my arms and legs with your fire axe?"

You Say: "Don't worry about your numbers. You can always get a real job."
We Hear: "No matter what you say, everyone knows you've been goofing off for years."

Please submit any further suggestions for our phrasebook to the Bureau, and have a nice day!
Tags: oh the humanity, silliness, writing
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  • 72 comments
...go 1 level up... Expand

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:54:27 UTC 8 years ago

Basically, if I introduce you to my agent, I'm endorsing you. I am saying to my agent, "this person is worth your time." So it's a very nasty spot to put someone in. If I say I won't, am I risking the loss of our friendship? If I say I will, am I risking pissing off the only person who understands my world rights agreements?

A great many (if not most) authors, myself included, will put their representation information on their website. You can find out pretty quickly who their agent is, and most agencies now have websites of their own, with submission information and representation information. It's not rude to ask who someone's agent is, although you should make at least a cursory attempt to find it on their site first.

Basically, "Hi, I know you don't know me, but I'm a newbie author who writes things somewhat similar to your work, and I've got an offer from Such-and-Such press, and I'd like to know who represents you" avoids the issues of civility and endorsement. (Although be careful to never, ever imply an endorsement you don't have. Our agents talk to us, and they, and we, will find out.)

drakemonger

June 10 2009, 02:29:34 UTC 8 years ago

What? People in the writing world TALK to each other? With WORDS? And they expect us n00bs to behave ethically and politely? I bet you won't tell me the secret handshake either!

Thank you for clarifying the distinction between introduction/endorsing and simply pointing to the agent. I would of course avoid any false intimations of endorsement.

seanan_mcguire

June 10 2009, 15:17:32 UTC 8 years ago

Awesome! Thank you for asking. Honestly, I think half the bad missteps in the world come from people not wanting to look silly and thus refusing to ask the questions that really need to be asked.