Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire
  • Mood: amused
  • Music: Glee, "Don't Stop Believing."

A Traveller's Phrasebook to Writerland, Installment #2.

Hello! We're glad to hear that you've been enjoying your time in Writerland, the native country of the written word. You've seen the writers frolic in the Fields of Verb, boldly venture into the Adjective Woods, and sink like stones in the infamous Editorial Swamp (home of the deadly White-Out Anaconda, capable of swallowing both man and manuscript in a single gulp). Because you have already covered the basic phrasebook of our fair land, we here at the Writerland Tourist Bureau have decided to present you with the advanced course. Thanks to all our contributers.

You Say: "How much did you pay to have that published?"
We Hear: "I know you're not as good as you think you are."

You Say: "Will you introduce me to your agent?"
We Hear: "I am worth more than your professional reputation."

You Say: "I have this really great idea. How about you write it up, and we'll split the profits?"
We Hear: "I would like two orders of radioactive scorpions, one for me, and one for my lawyer."

You Say: "Why do you look so tired? It's not like you have a real job."
We Hear: "I have always wondered what it's like to go for a ride in a wood chipper."

You Say: "You have so much talent. You should be published!"
We Hear: "So stop screwing around already, you little slacker."

You Say: "I promise I won't bother you while you work."
We Hear: "I am the human incarnation of Chinese water-torture, come to punish you for your sins."

You Say: "Which one of these characters is you?"
We Hear: "Either you're an egotist or you need therapy. Which is it?"

You Say: "Which one of these characters is me?"
We Hear: "This question has no right answer. Run for your life."

You Say: "When did this happen to you?"
We Hear: "No matter how much of it I read, deep down, I still believe 'fiction' is just fancy gossip."

You Say: "I got your new book yesterday. When is the next one coming out?"
We Hear: "I do not believe that authors eat, sleep, or socialize. Would you like to hit me with a fire axe?"

You Say: "Didn't they do this plot on an episode of The Twilight Zone?"
We Hear: "Nothing you say will convince me that you didn't steal this, so just admit it."

You Say: "Why did you do that thing in chapter eight? You ruined the series!"
We Hear: "I have more right to my opinions than you have to your art."

You Say: "Did you see that review where they said you murder the English language and eat kittens?"
We Hear: "Since you're already evil, would you like to amputate my arms and legs with your fire axe?"

You Say: "Don't worry about your numbers. You can always get a real job."
We Hear: "No matter what you say, everyone knows you've been goofing off for years."

Please submit any further suggestions for our phrasebook to the Bureau, and have a nice day!
Tags: oh the humanity, silliness, writing
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  • 72 comments

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seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:29:50 UTC 8 years ago

Keep in mind that the childbirth comparison is very accurate, in some ways: an author who's just put a book out is the equivalent of the achy, cranky, still-half-stoned from that epidural mother who hasn't even put her street clothes back on, much less been discharged from the hospital. So saying "When is the next one coming out?" is a lot like looking at that mother and saying "Aren't you pregnant again yet?!"

There's not an exact equivalent for "Is there a sequel planned?", but the word "planned" makes it not sound like the author is somehow at fault if they don't answer "oh, it's already turned in."

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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kajivar

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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dormouse_in_tea

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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semy_of_pearls

8 years ago

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trialia

June 8 2009, 15:27:48 UTC 8 years ago

Ugh, yes. I get #5 all the time - I wonder if people ever stopped to think that maybe I like writing fanfiction and original fic as a hobby? I'd hate to write for a living, it would suck all the fun out of it for me. No offence or anything, that's just the way I feel about it. I never could enjoy writing essays at school either, even though if one stopped me writing at all it would drive me insane.

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:30:28 UTC 8 years ago

No offense taken, at all. I could never be an epidemiologist for a living. I love it as a hobby, but I'd go nuts if that was my paying day job.

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seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:37:20 UTC 8 years ago

Gleh.

Sadly, yes.

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seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:37:39 UTC 8 years ago

I only hear that last one when it's a parrot making the initial statement.

satyrblade

8 years ago

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mariadkins

June 8 2009, 15:37:53 UTC 8 years ago

I had to quit having anything to do with my mom's best friend thanks to all of her "get a real job" cracks. I can only take so much.

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:58:33 UTC 8 years ago

Ow. Yes.

grey_lady

June 8 2009, 15:42:53 UTC 8 years ago

Don't forget the Will you read my manuscript? one...

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:58:50 UTC 8 years ago

That was in the first edition. Grrrrr, says I, when asked that question.

drakemonger

June 8 2009, 15:49:50 UTC 8 years ago

Hmmm, so asking for an introduction to an agent is considered impolite? I did not know that. Thank you.

Out of curiousity (for now), would it still be impolite if the request were more specifically along the lines of, "Hi, I know you don't know me, but I'm a newbie author who writes things somewhat similar to your work, and I've got an offer from Such-and-Such press, and I'd like to know if I could contact your agent about representing me for the contract"?

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:54:27 UTC 8 years ago

Basically, if I introduce you to my agent, I'm endorsing you. I am saying to my agent, "this person is worth your time." So it's a very nasty spot to put someone in. If I say I won't, am I risking the loss of our friendship? If I say I will, am I risking pissing off the only person who understands my world rights agreements?

A great many (if not most) authors, myself included, will put their representation information on their website. You can find out pretty quickly who their agent is, and most agencies now have websites of their own, with submission information and representation information. It's not rude to ask who someone's agent is, although you should make at least a cursory attempt to find it on their site first.

Basically, "Hi, I know you don't know me, but I'm a newbie author who writes things somewhat similar to your work, and I've got an offer from Such-and-Such press, and I'd like to know who represents you" avoids the issues of civility and endorsement. (Although be careful to never, ever imply an endorsement you don't have. Our agents talk to us, and they, and we, will find out.)

drakemonger

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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slweippert

June 8 2009, 15:50:13 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "You have so much talent. You should be published!"

I've gotten this one and it makes me want to beat my head against the wall. What the hell do these people think I'm trying to do?

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:59:12 UTC 8 years ago

People don't get it. Take deep breaths, and buy buckets of lye.

jenk

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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jenk

8 years ago

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emberleo

8 years ago

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jenk

8 years ago

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emberleo

8 years ago

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kyburg

8 years ago

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dornbeast

8 years ago

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emberleo

8 years ago

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slweippert

8 years ago

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canadianevil

June 8 2009, 15:51:48 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: Ooh, can you put me in your novel?
We Hear: Clearly, your crocodile monster that you're writing about needs more victims. GOOOORE!

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 15:59:30 UTC 8 years ago

I've fed a lot of my friends to zombies, over the years.

canadianevil

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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canadianevil

8 years ago

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lysystratae

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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dornbeast

8 years ago

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slweippert

8 years ago

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not_from_stars

June 8 2009, 16:27:32 UTC 8 years ago

Okay, first I love you for this. :)

Second:

You Say: "You have so much talent. You should be published!"
We Hear: "So stop screwing around already, you little slacker."

THANK YOU!

I hear that first one a lot and it makes me want to hurt people.

seanan_mcguire

June 8 2009, 19:22:31 UTC 8 years ago

You're very welcome, and just remember, don't get caught.

satyrblade

June 8 2009, 17:11:24 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "Which one of these characters is me?"
We Hear: "This question has no right answer. Run for your life."

*laughter*

One of the very first stories I wrote was inspired by drama with my would-be high-school girlfriend, her mom, and a National Geographic yard sale's worth of issues on all sides. Turning the two of them into same-age roommates and fictionalizing huge portions of stuff that never had and never would happen, I wrote up a tale called "Between Friends," based in the histrionics on all sides.

When I showed them the story, each one of them guessed that the least-sympathetic female character was based on them.

Go figure.

At least they liked the story. Could have been worse!

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:32:34 UTC 8 years ago

True. There could have been fire axes!

la_marquise_de_

June 8 2009, 17:12:29 UTC 8 years ago

This relates to my non-fiction, but I hear it a lot.

You say: But X is wrong. I know it is. I saw that tv documentary/read that pot-boiler and they said Y.
I hear: Your 20 years of detailed research in 5 languages is as nothing to my ability to skim read Readers' Digest

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:32:48 UTC 8 years ago

...ew. Yeah, I hear that one, too. A lot.

satyrblade

June 8 2009, 17:20:24 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "You should totally be writing urban fantasy novels!"

We Hear: "Why aren't you making lots of money and putting out a book a month like [INSERT CURRENTLY FASHIONABLE AUTHOR'S NAME HERE]?"

You Say: "I'm a writer, too. Um, okay, so I haven't published anything yet, but I'm working on a screenplay, I have outlines for two novels, and I posted a whole bunch of fanfic on my website!"

We Hear: "Writing is easy! Anyone can do it!"

You Say: "God, your proofreaders suck! Everything I read these days is filled with mistakes!"

We Hear: "I found one or factual spelling error in a 100,000-word book six years ago and haven't forgotten about it yet."

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:32:58 UTC 8 years ago

*snicker*

hasufin

June 8 2009, 17:20:56 UTC 8 years ago

As a tech writer*, I don't get so many of the "get a real job" ones.

Mine are:

You say: "Do you have any samples?"
We hear: "Well, sure, we make you sign an NDA. But I'm sure not a one of those other companies ask anything of the sort!"

You say: "Just a few minor code changes; we'll have the product delivered tomorrow."
We hear: "We're going to blame the writer when none of his work matches the last-minute changes we made."

You say: "We use Microsoft Word."
We hear: "This company is too cheap to cough up a couple thousand for a real authoring tool."

You say: "We're really looking for someone who has experience with X technology."
We hear: "We're really looking for an X administrator, but we don't want to pay for one of those."




* I don't quite have the chutzpah to try getting any fiction published. Ideas, yes... execution, not so much.

jenk

June 8 2009, 20:43:55 UTC 8 years ago

Most of my tech writing experience was at Microsoft. AKA:

You say: "We use Microsoft Word."
We hear: "It's free to us, and it would look bad if we used something else."

hasufin

8 years ago

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seanan_mcguire

8 years ago

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satyrblade

June 8 2009, 17:26:25 UTC 8 years ago

PS: I have a new story - the first in an adventure serial for the brand-new iphone-based magazine Steampunk Tales - that just came out today:

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:33:29 UTC 8 years ago

Okay...?

kyburg

June 8 2009, 17:29:21 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "Wow, you should meet my friend so-and-so! They write too!"
We Hear: Not writing as therapy instead of having friends, thanks.

Your list is so full of win, Monday can not hold the line against it.

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:33:43 UTC 8 years ago

*conquers Monday*

ladyamber

June 8 2009, 18:44:52 UTC 8 years ago

You Say: "You've been working on that manuscript for years! It must be awesome by now!"
We Hear: "It can't take this long to write a story and get published. Quit slacking, you slacker."

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:33:50 UTC 8 years ago

YES.

ladyamber

8 years ago

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canadianevil

June 8 2009, 19:17:10 UTC 8 years ago

Also, I wanted to let you know that I got my ARC today. :D I'm going to try and save it for tomorrow, when I have a long busride, but I am very happy it came. :3

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:34:06 UTC 8 years ago

Hooray! Remember, nothing says "love" like a review.

semy_of_pearls

June 8 2009, 23:23:41 UTC 8 years ago

**chuckle**

Showed the list to Dorothy, she laughed.

No ideas to add to the list. Sorry.

seanan_mcguire

June 9 2009, 14:34:19 UTC 8 years ago

Not a problem! Yay for bringing laughter to the Dorothy.

talithakalago

June 11 2009, 22:41:55 UTC 8 years ago

Firstly: yes.

Secondly: Thank you for reminding me why I go to great lengths to not tell people I write.

Also, this one is annoying:

"Are you publisher yet?"
"Not since you asked me three days ago, no."

seanan_mcguire

June 15 2009, 23:37:14 UTC 8 years ago

Uuuuuuugh.