Seanan McGuire (seanan_mcguire) wrote,
Seanan McGuire
seanan_mcguire

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The Horror Movie Survival ABCs.

A is for...AMMO. Make sure you've got plenty, or you'll have plenty of problems.
B is for...BLAST RADIUS. Know it, love it, try not to stand inside it.
C is for...CHAINSAW. Screw diamonds. This is a girl's best friend.
D is for...DISTRACTION. Let the chirpy little twirp who keeps screaming provide one, and run.
E is for...ESCAPE. Better hope you can make one.
F is for...FIRE. Most of the things that want you dead dislike it.
G is for...GRENADE. Come to momma, little pineapple of death.
H is for...HOUSE. It wants you dead. Live with it.
I is for...ICHOR. It's gonna get in your hair. That's how this works.
J is for...JUMPER CABLES. Learn how to use them or you're probably toast.
K is for...KNIFE. It won't run out of ammo, and it's fun to stick in things. Size does matter.
L is for...LASER. If you have it, use it; if someone else has it, avoid it at all costs.
M is for...MONSTER. Do I even need to explain?
N is for...NIGHT. That's when they're likely to attack.
O is for...OCTOBER. Just stay in bed for this entire month. Seriously.
P is for...PISTOL. I recommend learning to shoot one as soon as possible.
Q is for...QUICK. People come in two flavors: the quick and the dead. Pick one.
R is for...RABIES. That's probably not what you're dealing with, here.
S is for...SNAKE. They come in 'giant' and 'poisonous,' and neither is very good for you.
T is for...TANK. If you have one, keep it. If you don't, get one. Mmmmmmm, tank.
U is for...UNSPEAKABLE. Half the things you'll deal with will be unspeakable. Therapy is your friend.
V is for...VICTIM. If you can't cope, this is what goes on your name tag.
W is for...WEREWOLF. Once the moon comes up, that's not Johnny anymore.
X is for...XENOMORPH. Because apparently our Earth monsters just weren't dangerous enough. Space assholes.
Y is for...YESTERDAY. Remember when reanimated rats weren't gnawing your ankles? Good times, man.
Z is for...ZOMBIE. Oh, you knew that was coming.

It was surprisingly easy to do this, and I had to reject a lot of good alphabet entries because their letters were already filled. (T is for Terror: give in and you get a second 'T' for 'Toast.'; G is for Gun: for the love of God, get one..., etc.) As it has made me giggle without cease for about an hour, I proclaim it a rousing success.

Got any suggestions?
Tags: horror movies, silliness, so the marilyn
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  • 12 comments
This would make a fabulous horror picture book, like Uncle Shelby's ABZs or that one with all the little children who die horrible deaths...
We would so totally need an editorial process during which we reviewed each letter for maximum awful. Like 'D' for 'Dinosaur' and 'M' for 'Mad Scientist.' (Also 'H' for 'HE'S STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!'.)

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It makes me wish I could draw...
Series of horror picture (or photo) books, I should think.

One for Props. (M is for MASK; do not pick up, do not wear. S is for SCYTHE; anyone carrying a scythe is Bad News.).

One for Creatures. (B is for BLOB; do not touch, do not feed. Y is for YOG-SOTHOTH; if you see one, it's probably too late.)

One for Characters. (I is for INGENUE; Some people sing in the shower -- she screams in it. See also T for TOAST.)

One for Plots. (I is for INVASION; it is coming. S is for SORORITY (Depopulation of); no further explanation required.)

And so on....
I have, frankly, nothing to add. I just really had to use this icon. :)
I've been meaning all day to look up the symptoms of salmonella. This reminded me. Thank you!
A is for Ammo, which goes in your gun.
B is Blast radius. Inside there's no fun.
C is for Chainsaw, keep this at your side.
D is for Distraction, a good time to hide.
E is for Escape, your biggest concern.
F is for Fire, to make scary things burn.
G is for Grenade, to clear crowded halls.
H is for House, with hate in its walls.
I is for Ichor, as sticky as tar.
J is for Jumper cables, to re-start your car.
K is for Knife, it's used when you slay.
L is for Laser, the lovely death ray.
M is for Monster, this thing wants you dead.
N is for Night, when it thinks you're in bed.
O is October, when dangers abound.
P is for Pistol, always keep this around.
Q is for Quick, a good thing to be.
R is for Rabies, which is not what we see.
S is for Snake, thinking you're good to eat.
T is for Tank, as it rolls down the street.
U is Unspeakable, the things that attack.
V is for Victim, with a hole in the back.
W is for Werewolf, a friend with a new face.
X is for Xenomorph, an alien race.
Y is for Yesterday, which wasn't a strain.
Z is for Zombie, he's hungry for brain.
... I was gonna do that!

*pouts*

...*reconsiders* But now I don't have to! *beams*
I think Yesterday is my favorite. *snickering*

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