Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep...: seanan

Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep...

I, Seanan McGuire, am a first-time novelist. (I refuse to say "first-time author," because that wouldn't be just disingenuous, it would be silly, and nobody wants to see what people would dredge out of their closets if dared to do so by such foolish comments.) My first book comes out on September 1st of this year. Naturally, I'm petrified. And so, in an effort to save some sanity—not mine, as that's basically a lost cause—I am making the following promises. To myself, if to no one else.

I. I will not read Amazon reviews. I keep saying this, and reminding myself that Kate will beat me if I so much as twitch toward the page, but that doesn't matter, because obviously, I need the reminder. I. Will not. Read. Amazon. Reviews.

II. If people insist on forwarding me Amazon reviews, notifications that my book is on eBay, or other things that are either guaranteed to upset me, things I've promised not to look at, or both, I will give one warning, and then I will start deleting their mail. Because dude, I don't need an extra dose of crazy pie to go with the crazy pie I already have over here.

III. I will not call my publisher unless I have a reason to call my publisher.

IV. Wanting to talk about the new season of Supernatural does not count as a reason to call my publisher. Neither does that cute thing my cat just did.

V. My agent probably doesn't want to hear about the cute thing my cat just did either, and even if she does, I should maybe not call to tell her about it after midnight.

VI. No matter how much I think the populace is going to march on the house with torches because they don't like my book, the odds are very low, and I probably don't need to triple the fire insurance protection. I will not call the fire department every time I think I smell smoke.

VII. I will not allow my mother to post reviews without clearly identifying herself as my mother. Actually, if at all possible, I will not allow my mother to post reviews, as this rarely ends well.

VIII. I will continue to breathe. Holding my breath has been clinically proven not to make my publication date come faster.

IX. I will not spend the entire month of September hiding under my bed. For one thing, there are probably spiders down there. For another, the cats would insist on hiding under the bed with me, and the bed isn't big enough for that to be even remotely comfortable. Also, as there is no television in my bedroom, I would probably go into withdrawal or something.

X. I will not start a new series in an effort to distract myself.

XI. Okay, so maybe I will. But I won't start anything more than three books long.

XII. While I am aware that no amount of saying "I will not take negative reviews personally" will change a damn thing, I will discuss negative reviews with people I trust, remember that nothing is universally adored, and refrain from eating more than three bags of candy corn. Sugar doesn't fix everything. It just makes me care less.

XIII. I will occasionally stop running.

alethea_eastrid

May 22 2009, 15:51:20 UTC 8 years ago

New comment

Re: X and XI

*snicker*

Yes, dear. (I'm across the country. You can't hit me from there!)

dormouse_in_tea

May 22 2009, 15:58:41 UTC 8 years ago

Besides, all XI means is she won't start anything that's TELLING her it's more than 3 mooks long. . .

dornbeast

8 years ago

seanan_mcguire

jongibbs

May 22 2009, 15:58:15 UTC 8 years ago

Great list. I hope to borrow it, if and when I sell my first novel :)

mariadkins

May 22 2009, 16:53:55 UTC 8 years ago

Yeah, me too!

bercilakslady

May 22 2009, 15:58:46 UTC 8 years ago

Re: X. and XI.

Thanks, hon. I needed the laugh.

Breathing is good. Keep doing that.

*hugs*

May 22 2009, 22:01:03 UTC 8 years ago

I'm trying my very best, I swear.

spectralbovine

May 22 2009, 15:59:48 UTC 8 years ago

How about non-Amazon reviews? That are positive, of course.

May 22 2009, 22:02:35 UTC 8 years ago

Actually, it's not "avoiding negative reviews" so much as it's "avoiding massive clearinghouse of reviews, many of which sadly tend to be posted by the crazy." So I'm sure I'll see some non-Amazon reviews.

elucreh

May 22 2009, 16:02:04 UTC 8 years ago

I am laughing at your XI. Because, let's face it, anything intended to be, at most, three books long, is going to wind up being at least twenty-one books and four tie-in novels.

Everybody knows you better than that.

May 22 2009, 22:02:43 UTC 8 years ago

...sadly true.

trektone

May 22 2009, 16:14:23 UTC 8 years ago

Miscellaneously, it's great to see your event on the Borderlands Books' Events Calendar! Did I already say this somewhere else?

May 22 2009, 22:04:41 UTC 8 years ago

OH MY GOD WE'RE ON THE CALENDAR!

I have happiness now.

This is not a review!

ladyqkat

May 22 2009, 16:14:24 UTC 8 years ago

But I finished the ARC and enjoyed the ride. And realized how much I was not told about the fairy tales of my heritage and how not-mine the Brothers Grimm stories are.

Re: This is not a review!

May 22 2009, 22:05:47 UTC 8 years ago

Oh, hooray! I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and can't wait to see your review.

Deleted comment

May 22 2009, 22:05:58 UTC 8 years ago

Interesting idea.

May 22 2009, 17:13:20 UTC 8 years ago

Regarding item VI:

Is the populace (1) aware of where you live, (2) properly supplied with torches, and (3) willing to risk that you don't have a vial of the pandemic, a velociraptor bodyguard team, or both?

Regarding item IX:

You forgot about the difficulty of keeping your DDP cold. On the other hand, I have no clue whether that's important to you or not.

And finally, item XI:

I will add this to the mountain of evidence that you are a writer.

May 22 2009, 22:06:16 UTC 8 years ago

I could get a cooler...

professor

May 22 2009, 17:29:00 UTC 8 years ago

Beauty and the Beast quote is win.

May 22 2009, 22:06:26 UTC 8 years ago

Thank you, thank you.

vixyish

miintikwa

May 22 2009, 18:00:30 UTC 8 years ago

*giggle* Yay!

May 22 2009, 22:06:42 UTC 8 years ago

I do my humble best to amuse.

deire

May 22 2009, 18:30:18 UTC 8 years ago

: showers you with virtual confetti and chocolate pumpkins covered with spiced orange sugar:

May 22 2009, 22:08:06 UTC 8 years ago

Yum!

xjenavivex

May 22 2009, 18:41:35 UTC 8 years ago

:: giggles:: What was the cute thing your cat did?

May 22 2009, 22:08:25 UTC 8 years ago

Which cat, and which cute? They're like a merry-go-round of adorable, I swear.

jimhines

May 22 2009, 19:34:18 UTC 8 years ago

What's wrong with Amazon reviews? They're perfectly harmless. Here, let me pluck one of mine at random...

"Jim C. Hines' story Sister of the Hedge was dull. I had to force myself to keep going."

See? No sting at all. Certainly not something that's going to haunt me for the rest of my days, making me question whether I'm a complete hack who couldn't write an interesting scene to save his life, and oh God who am I kidding I'm just churning out pages and pages of Endless Dull and I should just burn my computer RIGHT NOW!

Okay, so maybe you're just smarter than me :-) I wish someone had sent me this list back in '06!

May 22 2009, 22:32:16 UTC 8 years ago

I'm not necessarily smarter than you, but I'm definitely equipped with an acting personal assistant who knows where I keep the baseball bat. ;) Kate would beat me. That's all the incentive I need.

Amazon reviews just make me sad.

May 22 2009, 22:32:30 UTC 8 years ago

Flames are fun. Flame on!

emberleo

enchantedskies

May 23 2009, 03:41:44 UTC 8 years ago

Ok. IF your book is ANYTHING like your LJ, it will be brilliant. Filled with things that will make people laugh, and shudder, and worry about humanity in general, but still AWESOME.

I'll be buying it when i have money, which wont be until... August when the school gives me money to go there.. :-P

May 26 2009, 14:38:18 UTC 8 years ago

You say August, and Seanan says September. So you'll have a month to save up! That's plenty of time...

...unless you meant to say "August 2010."

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